Relationship issues kids/step kids

[89Mumof3]

So me and my husband are having issues, he's constantly moaning and generally very negative towards me and the kids. Apparently I don't support him, but not sure what I'm meant to do, feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.
Here's a bit of a background, my husband has 2 kids from a previous, when we got together he saw them every other weekend for a day, which to begin with was on his own and eventually with me and my son from a previous as well. I organised birthday parties for them with all the family, bought the food and got the house decorated to make it special.
All was going well until 2020 (COVID), I worked in a care home so his ex wouldn't let the kids come round as it was too risky, by the time it was ok we'd had our daughter, the kids showed little interest which is completely understandable. We still went on days out although contact did start to dwindle as we never got back into the routine before COVID. We got married 2021, his daughter was bridesmaid, his son wasn't very well so didn't come, was meant to be page boy but it was fine.
Roll on to 2023, we had our other daughter and contact was roughly two to three a year birthdays and Christmas, Easter eggs got dropped round the house.
Present day, things have changed, very sadly their mother passed away suddenly in August and they now live with their grandparents (his daughter practically lived round there anyway). The kids seem ok, although I've not seen them as I feel it's important that they develop their relationship with their Dad first and the house is so busy with a 5 year old and a 2 year old their would be no time to talk properly. Last time they came round in the summer (July) his son was crying because I told him to come off the playstation for dinner, I didn't mean to upset him it's just I have a no technology rule when eating.
I have told my husband they can come round for 4 hours on a weekend, but 7 hours (like he normally has them) is too long as my daughter's will want the TV, there's not a lot of room and depending on the weather going to be shut indoors, we only have a 5 seater so can't fit everyone in the car. I have zero issues in him taking them to the cinema or bowling afterwards, but our 2 and 5 year old are too young at the moment. They're not bonded and forcing a long drawn out day on them seems a recipe for disaster. Last time I tried to make cakes and biscuits with them but they weren't interested. I keep getting told I'm unsupportive and being unhelpful. At the moment he takes them to his Mum's and she makes them food and drink, if they come here it's me running around after 4 kids, my son is 16 now and works weekends otherwise he'd help. I'm really not sure what I'm meant to do? Sorry for the long post I feel like my marriage is hanging by a thread, there's so many issues and I feel he'll walk away just like he did his ex, the kids are the same ages and he's really unhappy.
Thanks any suggestions welcome

Your step kids are being raised by their grandparents because their mum died and their dad cba.

But sure, the whole situation is too much for your younger kids.

Grow up

I’m pretty shocked that you cannot see your own massive bias. You keep coming back to the fact that your younger DC are ‘blanked’ and worry about their self esteem 😩. I’m sure with you looking out for them your DC’s self esteem is absolutely fine. It’s frankly ridiculous that you think this is even something to consider. You should be far more concerned for the metal
health of your DSC, who have lost a mum and whose dad is not giving them the emotional support they need.

You have come here asking for help with ‘activities’ for the DSC….thats not what you need at all….new activities will not touch the sides of the issues you have here. Frankly you need to reconsider EVERYTHING. Unless your husband steps up to be a radically different father than he is now, any amount of activities won’t change a thing.

I think they are shy/ awkward around us, which is why I thought starting at 4 hours and building up to 7 was better? We are effectively strangers them, I wouldn't want to spend 7 hours in a strangers house. They're not bad kids, but they shut down here, they talk round their Dad's mum's house, they don't here. I'd like to change that, but not sure how

Maybe by actually liking them and not just seeing them as an inconvenience to your two children.

Interesting how op keeps swerving the maintenance question. I wonder why….?

Yes, let them. Let DH stop them//join in with them if he chooses. Take yours out if easier for you. Don't fetch drinks and snacks but ideally have favourite crisps or biscuits in for them to get for themselves. Just... let them exist in their dad's house. Stop expecting it to be a good time.

To quote Spike: "Life isn't bliss, life is just this, it's living."

Didn't know there was a maintenance question, he pays CSA if that helps

You start by making them feel welcome. They should be as easy and comfortable in your home as their own - and that means they can go on their devices, and don't have to 'perform' for their younger half-siblings. You're expecting them to behave differently around you, in a way that benefits you and your other children. Throw that expectation out for a start.

I'm a stepchild with much younger half-siblings and I am not going to lie, I had absolutely zero interest in either of the two youngest ones, who were born when I was 13 and then 16. I don't have much of a relationship with them now, although we rub along fine when we see each other. You can't force relationships on other people. It happens naturally, or it doesn't.

Unlikely they're going to relish spending time with constantly tantrumming, attention-seeking little ones anyway though tbh.

Thanks, that seems workable

By treating them as more than an inconvenience who aren’t welcome unless they shower your younger children in attention. You essentially want grieving teenagers to perform as family to a group of complete strangers.

In fact, you are less than strangers. Your husband has repeatedly abandoned and failed these children. They want him him to love them but they will also feel let down and betrayed by him. He is not a safe person. If they let their guard down with him and you, how quickly will it be before they are let down again?

Where in this history have you both shown you are dedicated to them and can be trusted? You haven’t. You both owe them a lot and can’t list your own expectations of them yet.

You want suggestions on how it could work, then when given you suggest he sees them every week but for a day one weekend &an evening for the other. Omg you’re very kind to allow them what no more than 4 hours a week. I suppose doubling the time over a month seems fair to you. So in a 4 week period he had spent 16 hours with his children which isn’t even a day.

I certainly, at this stage, wouldn't ask the dc to move in with you or their father who has been practically an absent parent for years. They sound like they have a comfortable life with their grandparents and probably stand to inherit everything. It's your dh who is an absolute disgrace. It isn't up to you to parent those poor kids at the weekend, it should be him organising activities, maybe one weekend he focuses on the eldest, the next he focuses on the youngest. Shit father. Does he do anything for your shared dc?

I don't expect them to entertain their younger siblings, but a little interest, a smile in their direction maybe that's too much to ask to. If we're all allowed to sit and ignore eachother then how is it going to get better? My 16 year old isn't allowed to ignore them, he doesn't exactly play with them, but he does interact with them. I think I've accepted the fact they're not going to be best buddies or even act like siblings, but maybe one day they'll acknowledge them

Omg a child cried because he had to come of the computer. Like that doesn’t happen worldwide every single day. You’re really easily put out but have so much expectation on how your children mustn’t be inconvenienced.

But you’re still not owning it, even though you say you are!!

Broken down further for you:

You didn’t know how long since he left them because his story kept changing. At what point in this do you stop and ask yourself ‘why is this man lying to me about something fairly fundamental?’ Did it never enter your brain to go maybe this is a bit of a red flag that he can’t own the truth about abandoning his first family???

You knew he wasn’t engaged with his kids but still proceeded to go ‘yes, this is a man to have children with?’ Or were you so obsessed with finding someone to have more children with that you decided to ignore all of the issues that EVERYONE on here can see???

I was actually trying to help with some suggestions and hoping that this was actually about the kids. You have managed to completely floor me that you can be so self involved and oblivious to the people within this situation who should be the absolute focus.

I did say leave him. With hindsight, don’t, because at least this way you can both be completely self absorbed together

Yes it IS too much to ask.

Your stepkids probably don't want to spend time with you. Not you, their dad, and certainly not the half siblings. Why would they? They barely know you, their dad has done fuck all for them, and you can hardly hide your disdain for them. But YOU are the adult and it is on YOU to rebuild that relationship.

The thing is, though, you don't want to, do you? You just want the focus to be completely on your own children and if that means sacrificing them, recently bereaved or not - then so what? You're not looking for helpful suggestions, you're just looking for a way of ditching them without feeling remotely bad about it.

They have a very comfortable life, but nothing makes up for losing your mum and I do feel deeply sorry for them. He won't step up, he doesn't bring anything to the table and now he's depressed he's even worse.
I do all the organising of activities, planning the dinners and making sure everything runs smoothly. He is hard work sometimes it's like having another child who occasionally is helpful, now he's gone down and I'm the one that's got to pick him up and organise his life again and I'm just so tired of it

Why the fuck should they give two shits about the children they were replaced with while their father fucked off with the OW.

Frankly you should be grateful they don’t despise them. I would.

Your 16 year old has grown up in this loving family home all these years, knowing his siblings since birth and seeing them every day.

Your DSC do not know these children. They are grieving their mother’s death. They have been abandoned and ignored by their own father. How the fuck can you be upset with a child for ignoring a baby when you’ve barely said two words against the FATHER who doesn’t pay any attention to his older children? You say he doesn’t do much in those hours when they are there. Why doesn’t get to ignore these teenagers for 5 years but they should be making some huge effort to interact with a couple of toddlers they don’t bloody know?

Come the fuck on, OP.

He'd already left their mum, plenty of Dads have another relationship when one breaks down few remain celibate. Not sure there's any need for that language either

@89Mumof3 can I just clarify...have you actually seen them since their Mum died, at all? Were you and DH at the funeral?

They DO NOT have a comfortable life!!!! Their mum died, their dad and step-mum want fuck all to do with them, they don't even have a bedroom at their only parents house. At 13 and 9 years old.

You are awful OP. And your cunt of a husband is even worse.

If I wanted to ditch them I wouldn't be on here would I? There's obviously not an easy option so we'll do the 7 hours and when my kids have had enough we can go and leave him there with his kids, who as you rightly say don't want me or their siblings so it doesn't matter if we're there or not, maybe one day they'll want their Dad who knows

Yes but the replacing happened. That part isn’t normal. Plenty of dads have more children and integrate their current children with them. They don’t essentially stop all contact for 5 years. So yes, your DH replaced his children with new little babies. They are allowed to feel mixed emotions spending time with them when they need a dad and don’t have one. They also don’t even have a mum now.

Fucking hell it’s like pulling teeth trying to make you see how badly these children are being let down. Your DH has behaved in an unforgivable way.

OP says the last time they had the children in the house was before the mother died. It really doesn’t seem like they’ve offered a second of genuine nourishing support to these poor children. It’s actually heartbreaking.