Relationship issues kids/step kids

[89Mumof3]

So me and my husband are having issues, he's constantly moaning and generally very negative towards me and the kids. Apparently I don't support him, but not sure what I'm meant to do, feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.
Here's a bit of a background, my husband has 2 kids from a previous, when we got together he saw them every other weekend for a day, which to begin with was on his own and eventually with me and my son from a previous as well. I organised birthday parties for them with all the family, bought the food and got the house decorated to make it special.
All was going well until 2020 (COVID), I worked in a care home so his ex wouldn't let the kids come round as it was too risky, by the time it was ok we'd had our daughter, the kids showed little interest which is completely understandable. We still went on days out although contact did start to dwindle as we never got back into the routine before COVID. We got married 2021, his daughter was bridesmaid, his son wasn't very well so didn't come, was meant to be page boy but it was fine.
Roll on to 2023, we had our other daughter and contact was roughly two to three a year birthdays and Christmas, Easter eggs got dropped round the house.
Present day, things have changed, very sadly their mother passed away suddenly in August and they now live with their grandparents (his daughter practically lived round there anyway). The kids seem ok, although I've not seen them as I feel it's important that they develop their relationship with their Dad first and the house is so busy with a 5 year old and a 2 year old their would be no time to talk properly. Last time they came round in the summer (July) his son was crying because I told him to come off the playstation for dinner, I didn't mean to upset him it's just I have a no technology rule when eating.
I have told my husband they can come round for 4 hours on a weekend, but 7 hours (like he normally has them) is too long as my daughter's will want the TV, there's not a lot of room and depending on the weather going to be shut indoors, we only have a 5 seater so can't fit everyone in the car. I have zero issues in him taking them to the cinema or bowling afterwards, but our 2 and 5 year old are too young at the moment. They're not bonded and forcing a long drawn out day on them seems a recipe for disaster. Last time I tried to make cakes and biscuits with them but they weren't interested. I keep getting told I'm unsupportive and being unhelpful. At the moment he takes them to his Mum's and she makes them food and drink, if they come here it's me running around after 4 kids, my son is 16 now and works weekends otherwise he'd help. I'm really not sure what I'm meant to do? Sorry for the long post I feel like my marriage is hanging by a thread, there's so many issues and I feel he'll walk away just like he did his ex, the kids are the same ages and he's really unhappy.
Thanks any suggestions welcome

God. More excuses.

You want a 13 year old to play with a 2 year old? Give me strength.

These relationships can’t be forced and the Easter egg hunts and toys you bought for them is totally irrelevant.

Kids need presence not presents. My kids are bonded to me the most because I am their primary carer and I do everything. My ex husband expects to be able to swan in EOW, buy their love with McDonalds and electronics, then gets jealous and offended when they want their mum. But he isn’t the one dealing with school stuff, friendship issues, their anxieties, the everyday boring stuff that these useless men don’t want to bother themselves with but what matters the most to kids.

I have zero issues with my husband spending time with his kids, in this house 7 hours is too long.

I just have no more words.

They haven't actually been round since July, and the OP is allowing four hours every weekend. It doesn't sound like it's actually happened yet. The bar is set so low it's actually below ground level.

ETA sorry, four hours every OTHER weekend. For recently bereaved children. Honestly. I am lost for words.

I own my mistakes, I didn't know how recently he left them until after we were married as his story kept changing, by that point it was too late and I was determined to make it work.
He never had any interest of having the kids overnight it wasn't on his priority list, he told me he wanted more kids and I wanted more. At the start it was fine, it went wrong when we were stopped seeing them during COVID and the routine never got going again properly, I did my best to include them, his daughter pushed our joint eldest in the pushchair to the park.
I'm finding the situation hard, I'd love nothing more for them to come round and have a nice time like they used to do, but I don't know how to get there? I buy their favourite food for dinner, I get their favourite snacks in, just never seems enough.
I don't expect them to care, but I care about my kids feelings and I just want to take them out of the situation when I see they're hurting, is that so wrong? I do ask about the games they're playing, but I get a look or a grunt, I don't ever seem to make headway. I'm an adult I can rise above it, but my 5 and 2 year old can't

I'm finding the situation hard, I'd love nothing more for them to come round and have a nice time like they used to do, but I don't know how to get there? I buy their favourite food for dinner, I get their favourite snacks in, just never seems enough.

Do you speak to them and engage with them? Do you ask them about themselves and what they've been up to? Do you care about them?

This

Ok, so what am I supposed to do? Let the 13 year old play on her phone for 7 hours, the 9 year old on the switch and me and the girls just carry on as normal and I make drinks and snacks as requested by everyone?

They don't care about your kids and they don't have to. Your relationship with them is not dependent on them liking the siblings who actually replaced them. They don't owe any of you anything. Your fixation on this is childish and pathetic.

BTW - is your husband paying any maintenance for his older children? Is he giving the grandparents anything to raise them?

You're supposed to parent.

You have asked for suggestions. Mine is stop having children with a useless father when neither of you have the finances, space, empathy or capacity to parent.

Nobody is giving him a free pass. We all know he's a cunt.
But he's not here, is he? We're talking to OP.

OP obviously cannot inconvenient the favourite children. Certainly not to in some small way accommodate the children who just lost their mother and whose father has barely glanced in their direction for 5 years now.

Yes, I ask them about school what subjects they like/ friends, what they've been up to. I get one word answers or a grunt. It feels like I'm interrupting an important conversation she's having on her phone that I had no idea about or they're engrossed in a game and it's an inconvenience to talk to me. I don't know.

Yes, if that's how it goes. Stop putting your expectations onto everyone.
Your small kids will survive being ignored.

wow! and wow! There's a special place in hell for people with such a blinding lack of concern for their step kids (who have just lost their mum!!) and by contrast deep concern for their biological children having access to the TV (who at 2 & 5 don't need that access). I would be climbing over people to find ways to set them up in the house, buy another TV, provide them with comfort. I too might leave you in a similar scenario. Sorry no sympathy

Ok, I'll do that, but I won't let my kids get upset and if I feel it's too much for them I will be taking them out. Their Dad is still with them and surely that's the most important thing

Is that not slightly better than telling the grieving teenagers their presence is too much of an intrusion and you don’t want them there for more than a few hours??

Sounds as though your own kids are quite spoilt. Used to attention, tantrumming when told no tv etc

Whyon earth would a teenager be interested in 2 small kids anyway?

They will know you don't really care about them though and they feel like outsiders. That's why they don't want to engage. You're just going through the motions but they'll know that they're in the way and you'd rather they weren't there.

More sexist nonsense.

They don't really know you or your husband/their dad. They're probably feeling shy and awkward and hiding behind their devices.

It's pointless telling you this as you're only hearing what you want to hear anyway and much easier to frame them as surly neanderthals who no reasonable woman would ever want in her house.

Yes, but if it's too much for my 5 and 3 year old and they're having tantrums due to being ignored then surely I'm allowed to give them a break and leave his kids with him and take the girls out?

That's quite normal teen behaviour. You never know your own daughters will probably be the same ( or worse)at that age

i own my mistakes, I didn't know how recently he left them until after we were married as his story kept changing, by that point it was too late

are you owning that it was beyond stupid to have had children with a man who was ‘parenting’ the children he already had 3% of their life? It couldn’t have been any clearer that he was a useless father.

i buy their favourite food for dinner, I get their favourite snacks in, just never seems enough
yes, feeding children isn’t enough. It’s the bare minimum. However, not letting them stay in their own house with their only parent, even if he is useless, is evil.