Relationship issues kids/step kids

[89Mumof3]

So me and my husband are having issues, he's constantly moaning and generally very negative towards me and the kids. Apparently I don't support him, but not sure what I'm meant to do, feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.
Here's a bit of a background, my husband has 2 kids from a previous, when we got together he saw them every other weekend for a day, which to begin with was on his own and eventually with me and my son from a previous as well. I organised birthday parties for them with all the family, bought the food and got the house decorated to make it special.
All was going well until 2020 (COVID), I worked in a care home so his ex wouldn't let the kids come round as it was too risky, by the time it was ok we'd had our daughter, the kids showed little interest which is completely understandable. We still went on days out although contact did start to dwindle as we never got back into the routine before COVID. We got married 2021, his daughter was bridesmaid, his son wasn't very well so didn't come, was meant to be page boy but it was fine.
Roll on to 2023, we had our other daughter and contact was roughly two to three a year birthdays and Christmas, Easter eggs got dropped round the house.
Present day, things have changed, very sadly their mother passed away suddenly in August and they now live with their grandparents (his daughter practically lived round there anyway). The kids seem ok, although I've not seen them as I feel it's important that they develop their relationship with their Dad first and the house is so busy with a 5 year old and a 2 year old their would be no time to talk properly. Last time they came round in the summer (July) his son was crying because I told him to come off the playstation for dinner, I didn't mean to upset him it's just I have a no technology rule when eating.
I have told my husband they can come round for 4 hours on a weekend, but 7 hours (like he normally has them) is too long as my daughter's will want the TV, there's not a lot of room and depending on the weather going to be shut indoors, we only have a 5 seater so can't fit everyone in the car. I have zero issues in him taking them to the cinema or bowling afterwards, but our 2 and 5 year old are too young at the moment. They're not bonded and forcing a long drawn out day on them seems a recipe for disaster. Last time I tried to make cakes and biscuits with them but they weren't interested. I keep getting told I'm unsupportive and being unhelpful. At the moment he takes them to his Mum's and she makes them food and drink, if they come here it's me running around after 4 kids, my son is 16 now and works weekends otherwise he'd help. I'm really not sure what I'm meant to do? Sorry for the long post I feel like my marriage is hanging by a thread, there's so many issues and I feel he'll walk away just like he did his ex, the kids are the same ages and he's really unhappy.
Thanks any suggestions welcome

OP let’s be honest though, he doesn’t want a relationship with his children. you had to persuade him to go and see them after their mother died. What does that tell you exactly. Think about that!

How long exactly after their mum died did he eventually agree to see them? And how long had it been since he’d seen them before that?

The 9 year old has never lived with him, and frankly he doesn’t care. He clearly doesn’t love them or he would be wanting a relationship with them, and he doesn’t.

So why do you think he bothers with your children OP? In fact does he bother with them?

You told him he couldn't see his kids because yours wants to watch TV. Please tell me you didnt do that?

My mum died when I was 6. I hardly see my dad due to his partner treating me like shit through out childhood and into adulthood. She hid food from me. Kept towels in their bedroom so I couldn't use them. Refused to make food for me even when she was cooking for everyone else. I would have a ready meal. We saw the difference between her sons and me and my brother. So please expect your husbands relationship with his kids to struggle if you keep up like this

Their Dad hadn't seen them for months prior, he had to see them round the grandparents house the first few months and their Nanna and Grandad (Dads mum and dad) wanted to see them so I stepped back. Now seems better although round Christmas I feel will be particularly hard but there's never a good time. They did see me at the Christmas light switch on, but that was it. In all honesty I don't think they're that bothered, but I'll have them for the full 7 hours and it'll end in tears like last time, then their Dad won't bring them round again for 6 months but that's better 4 hours every other weekend apparently

I give up. You are a hopeless case married to a waste of skin. I just feel desperately sorry for those kids.

What a horrific pair you and your husband are.

I'm not sure if you have some mental health or developmental delays, but your response (and DH's response) to this death is so abnormal.

Just for comparison, my friend lost her husband last year. As soon as we (her friends) heard, we contacted her Mum to arrange the best time for us to come. We came the next day with bags of gifts for the children. The house was packed with relatives, so we took the children and my friend for a walk. DH took the kids for ice cream and I tried to persuade my friend to eat a little bit. That was week 1. Then came the funeral and we got babysitters for our own children in order to be there for her. I checked in every day back then to make sure she was coping, friends and relatives were there every single day too to support her and to do things with the kids.

Over the last year, DH and I have loved those children as much as we possibly can, even when they are angry or dismissive, even when my own DD gets a bit jealous that they have "taken" her Daddy. She needs to know that it's not always about her and Daddy can love more than one child. We go on family days out almost weekly, especially on the days when my friend is so sad she can barely look after herself and the kids look to us. This is a normal response when someone close to you loses someone. You see them, even when they say that they can't see anyone because they are too sad and look like a mess. You sit with them in the place that they want to sit whilst they cry and cry and feel powerless because you can't take the pain away. You drop everything at a moment's notice because they say they need you.

The point is that this is my friend, not my daughter or my relative, but we've done more for her and those kids than your husband has and they are his children.

You said you lost a Nanna. Surely you must know that the pain of losing a mother in childhood is millions of times greater, and yet you describe struggling to cope. How can you not see what they are going through and know that you and DH are needed and that all your silly things like a 2 yo getting fussy are just absolute nonsense? You should be there. They should be with you, but if there was an interim whilst you were getting better accommodation, then you should be at their grandparents. Making cups of tea, bringing meals, doing whatever you possibly can to lessen the load on them and make the children feel surrounded by love.

you have come on here asking for advice but you don’t like what people are saying

If you have a bad day 1 weekend you still being them back the next weekend, or the next day. Why wait mo ths?

I have never wished for a thread to be bullshit before but this is one occassion where I really hope the situation isn't true.

I can't have children of my own and then there's situations like this. The world works in some really messed up ways. Bloody hell. Those poor kids.

@KittyFinlay

I wouldn't bother. This type of empathy and caring and love isn't going to resonate here.

But you sound lovely and a very good friend.

I wouldn’t be all that bothered to try and see a dad that made no effort to care for me either.

Honestly, good luck to them. I think those children are better off staying far away from your DH.

but I'll have them for the full 7 hours and it'll end in tears like last time, then their Dad won't bring them round again for 6 months but that's better 4 hours every other weekend apparently

1. Whose tears?
2. Kids are gonna cry, especially bereaved kids. That is not an excuse to stop seeing those kids.

I’ve never seen a weaker excuse for not seeing a child than “my son cried last time he was in my house.”

Doesnt matter why he cried, even if he was being an impossible brat. Thats his son and he should have stepped up.

Can you imagine if we all just abandoned our kids as soon as they cried? That would be zero children being parented by their parents in the world.

Honestly, her DH is worse!

I think you need to rethink your attitude TBH.

You’re trying to parent them like babies and expecting far too much of them. Equally you are not providing a safe space for them to be with their own remaining parent and not making allowances for the fact that they’ve had a terrible time of it and need support/ care. Imagine if your eldest was in this position.

If they want to come and sit on their phone, fine, let them. If they want to chill on their own, let them. Get snacks in. Welcome them. Don’t be a waitress but realistically they are not going to want to make biscuits and do craft.

I do think you need to move to them having much more contact with their dad and siblings because this is not normal. They have nowhere of their own in your house, no wonder it doesn’t go well. I’d start by seeing if you can rejig the accommodation so that they have somewhere to sleep and chill out. Could you give them the run of the dining room, and turn that into their space? Or even a garage/ shed? Or your two youngest come in with you on an inflatable? If they have their own space it will be much easier.

And yes they will seem disinterested in you and their younger siblings because their dad sounds useless and hasn’t performed basic parenting so far. They are hurt and confused. They should have been with him the minute their mum died, if he’s lucky he might have time to put things right. But don’t be the thing that stands in his way.

OP no 5 bed or even 15 bed mansion is going to make up for this, thousands of visits to Disney World are not going to make up for this. Grandparents who adore them does not make up for the loss of their mother

I was 17 when my father died and absolutely nothing made up for his loss and never has. My mother received a widows pension and we were financially better off after he died but I would rather have had to live in poverty and have my dad back.

It's not about material things it's about being cared for and I am sorry to say I don't think you and your DH however many protestations you make about being on here asking for help, care one jot about them. Thank goodness their grandparents love them

I'm out

I stopped reading at page 7 but read all your comments OP and after my initial shock and previous comment....

You keep mentioning his son likes to play switch and you obviously allow your children to watch TV. Why can they not play switch together on the TV? My nephew has just turned 4, for the past year or so we would play Mario kart as a family. Even if my nephew wasn't doing great we told him he was. He would have no idea he wasn't going in the right direction.

A 15 year old on their phone is normal. Just let her do that if its what she wants to. Distract your children if she doesnt want to interact

Everything in my previous comment wasn't a lie of how my dads partner was. Please consider what you are doing. Your children will manage to have less attention for a few hour. Your step children need that. My family had a big fall out after my mums death. I didnt have the best childhood, thankfully the brain is amazing and I dont really remember it. But it has messed with my head and my relationships. I settled for shit for 13 years and am now on my own. I get very attached and people please because I just want people to like me but at the same time I don't want to be around people.

Please dont let your step children go through what I have!

I'm a step parent of a child who lost her mother. To alcohol abuse, so things were bad before her death too.

OP, it isn't your job or your responsibility to 'make things better' for these kids, especially when you have children of your own. Nobody can 'make it better' anyway - they've lost their mum.

This should be led by your husband. Anyone blaming you is just indulging in the typical stepmother-hatred that always happens here on mumsnet. Step mums can never win - apparently you must always love the kids as your own, but also know your place and know you can never be their mother. It's not an easy balance and certainly not easy living with the expectations of others.

Of course you should not be prioritising other children over your own. Your duty is to your own children.

What you CAN do is just try and be a stable presence. Please don't feel you have to 'entertain' them every hour of the day. Just be there. Try and have chats with them when you can. Keep your doors open to them - if your husband won't step up and is leaving all the kids to you, well that's appalling and he needs to do much better.

In fact, reading the comments about your marriage and seeing the link to your previous thread - the state of your marriage is deeply troubling, and your husband sounds like a very absent father. Because if he was doing his bit as he is supposed to, you wouldn't be here asking these questions. No wonder you struggle to cope when he basically wants you to parent his bereaved older children for him while he doesn't step up.

Why should her husband leave her - have you actually read this thread? It's the husband who is not bothering with his own recently bereaved kids.

They're bot fucking dreadful. Those poor kids.

It's absolutely mental you're putting expectation on two bereaved kids to be more interactive but appear to tolerate your turd of a husband's behaviour.

The only constructive thing I can suggest is to speak to a charity or organisation that deals in child bereavement to ask for advice and information.

Every single post you play the hard done to victim. Why on earth can't you discipline YOUR dds when they tantrum? They are both of an age where there are appropriate ways to tell them it is not an ok response to not getting their own way. It's not the DSCs job to entertain them AT ALL. You come across as an excuse driven measly human who wants strangers on the internet to TEACH HER how to be decent to KIDS who have lost their mum and for all intents and purposes their dad too. Wow. I pity you girls.

@89Mumof3 , what plans do you have in place for your kids if something happens to you?

You had better make certain you have something because your husband is a deadbeat dad.