To do this instead of a party

[putthefireonplease]

DS birthday falls on a Saturday. Not doing a party this year but doing a sort of drop in where people can come round have cake wish ds happy birthday. So I went invitations out. DH thinks we look like cheeky fuckers. And if anyone comes they’ll feel obliged to bring a gift. Have I been really unreasonable?

If I'd received that when mine were little, I'd have assumed it meant "we can't be bothered with the hassle and expense of a party, but we want the presents anyway."
A second message saying "ps we don't want presents" would make me even more sure that was what it was about.

Kids' parties are a hassle and a pain to organise. We do it for the kids. What does he want?

I'm sorry @putthefireonplease - I'm trying to be polite here.- but this sounds like a get together for you, and not your dear 5 year old son's birthday. I feel sorry for him that his mum will be having a nice time, while he is expected to play nicely (and probably quietly) with some possibly random children who come around. Why don't you keep that scenario for your next birthday?

Also, children aged 5 to about 10 years old are the most appreciative of a party, and it doesn't have to be held somewhere expensive either. In fact, I think that many children that age would prefer an old fashioned party, held at home, with games like Pass the Parcel, musical cushions, pin the tail on the donkey, etc. You don't even have to hire a balloon making clown, etc. I didn't when my children were little, and all the children seemed to love it. Of course - unless you live in a mansion - you don't need to ask all of your child's class to the party, about 7 other children would probably be about right.

Then old fashioned party food is also fine, and cheap; eg grated cheese, and p.nut butter, sandwiches (seperate, not together!), crisps, mini sausage rolls, jam tarts, jelly, maybe something seasonal from the party isle at a supermarket, and the birthday cake? The last thing you should probably provide are 8 going home bags (your child will want one too!).

The bags themselves are chesp to buy, then go to one of the cheaper shops and buy 8 small boxes of crayons, 8 little wind up toys, if for girls maybe 8 pretty scrunchies, 8 little bouncy balls, maybe 8 novelty rubbers - erasers - and if you can find some small enough, 8 tiny notebooks. If you also have some greaseproof paper and pretty napkins to wrap a slice of birthday cake each in, to go in the party bags, then that should be ok, and not very expensive.

Although I have said 8 for all the bags, because in my imaginary party that is how many children there will be, I would probably make up 10 or 11 bags in case any of the guests cute younger siblings come with their mum or dad to pick up their children up!

Yes, your DC's birthday will probably be more tiring for you than just having X amount of people dropping in for cake, but it is really worth it to see your small one, and hopefully their little guests as well, really very happy. I'm sure the people you gave the initial invitations to won't mind that you are now having a small party instead.

It’s what you do for a tiny baby when its
more about the adults meeting up. 5 is prime traditional party age. The child guests won’t understand. You’ll be faced with disappointment over and over again as different families arrive and realise it’s a damp squib. Absolute cringe. Also wonder if you are ND OP?

To be honest if someone invited me to casually drop in on their 5yos birthday for cake I would 100% assume it was a present grab.

No 5yo wants to drop by for a piece of cake. No adult particular cares about a 5yos birthday bar their close family, or particularly enjoys childrens birthday cake. No one is going to be just passing your house without planning mid afternoon on a Saturday. It's not an event that's particularly beneficial to anyone

Realistically the children will want to play, they wont want to play for just 15 minutes. So I don't really understand why you wouldn't just invite them all at once and do a mini party/playdate. The risk of the drop in scenario is no one turns up and your DS is disappointed

Erm…why have you done this?? 🤣 unnecessarily awkward

You’re just not being clear/drip feeding.

Key questions before I can answer:

• have you invited your friends or DS’ friends to drop in for cake?
• Is your DS going to have cake for 3 hours solid while his friends drop in? Or is he okay to watch other kids eat cake and not be upset?
• what is the other event when DS is celebrating with his mates?
• do the people you’ve invited to drop round all know each other? Or will someone be knocking on your door to interrupt coffee you’re having with someone else who is a stranger to them?
• how long are you expecting people to stay when they pop round?

5 year olds will not love or understand this quiet alternative to fun.
OP, your plan is not a good one.
Really hoping you haven't done one party for one set of your kids buddies and other kids have been invited for this no effort "drop by" session.

You would assume this because this is what it means

People drop in on someones birthday to wish them happy birthday and give them a present. And you cant pop in to see a 5yo on their birthday empty handed, that's cruel

Can people please stop this? It’s so offensive. Many of us are ND and have different opinions from the OP on this. We aren’t a Borg.

It's odd and I can't see it working. 5 year olds play, not chat.

It's better to have something clearly defined even if it's a small, simple party for an hour or whatever.

Oh wow! That’s appalling, actually.
What was actually in your head when you thought people would want to spend part of their weekend bringing their kids round to your house to wish your child a happy birthday?

OP you literally asked if it was unreasonable to do this drop-in thing instead of a party, nearly everyone is saying YES you are unreasonable, and you’re getting in a huff about people answering the question you posed?

I had some very low-key “parties” for my DC (as secondary to doing something else as the main celebration) but it was still recognisably a party - everyone invited at the same time, a few traditional party games, a sandwich tea, singing happy birthday, blow out the candles and eat some cake (just a Colin the caterpillar or similar shop bought). Party bag with a few sweets and a bouncy ball or something. They were still casual, with time for adults to chat while the kids played a bit, not a full 2 hours of organised games etc, but it met the expectations of the children.

I think for five year olds you are going to have some challenging expectation management on your hands.

I do think it screams gift grab.

OP, are the friends DS is seeing for his non birthday birthday do the same ones being invited to your house for cake or is this a two tier thing, for people you/ds like, but not enough to invite to the actual main event?

It’s a dreadful idea that doesn’t really benefit anyone. Really sorry! Unless the adults can stay for a cuppa and chat and the kids can play?
I think I’d do something more structured but to each their own. Hope your son has a lovely birthday!

If that’s his birthday then it would be very strange indeed to arbitrarily pick another day to celebrate on.
You seem to have form for making odd decisions, though, so maybe it’s just how it is in your house 🤷🏻‍♀️

I’ll go against the grain and say that I can see this working quite well with our group of friends, OP. It’s kind of like just overlapping play dates, really. The control freak in me would want to know how many people were coming but actually the nature of it doesn’t really bother me, and I think my DD1 would quite enjoy it. There’s also the fact that I often find kids tend to play and get on better in smaller groups at that age anyway and some kids might find this kind of thing less stressful while still allowing them to see their friends.

I am quite laid back about this kind of thing though and don’t generally jump to assuming my friends are trying to squeeze presents out of me, so I would happily pop along for DD to play and for us all to have some cake!

Have you been unreasonable?
Yes.
Next Question.

Op, this is fine, especially given the group of friends you've described. I've been to similar and it was lovely. That started with brunch so lots of people came for the beginning but others popped in as they were able. Kids entertained themselves with a little adult involvement where necessary and adults enjoyed chatting. Very chill, no one cried! sometimes I wonder if the average MN is the ND one, unable to cope with anything a little different. I often feel like I must be ND reading the responses here.

It sounds like it could be quite nice to be honest. I’m curious as to how you worded it. I quite like the idea that he gets to see his friends throughout the day and they get a bit of cake but I think it kind of depends if you’re actual friends with the parents etc.

I still don’t see how this isn’t a party? Around here lots of people do Christmas open houses - parties where you arrive anytime in the range and most stay until the end but some just stay an hour.

I’m not sure it’s the best format for 5yo (maybe good for mine actually) but still a party.

I think it’s the way you have worded it. If you had said he is celebrating his birthday with friends another day but on the actual day I have said to friends drop in for a slice of cake if you want, you would have got different responses.

It's a bit odd. There's a risk that any parents willing to come will coordinate arrival time and you end up with a party sized group with no actual party.

Also, I am greedy and personally wondering what this special cake is that would be worth this type of inconvenience on a Saturday!

So it's like a play date with cake?

It sounds fine to me.

MN is always a bit out of kilter with my own life experience when it comes to kids parties or social events in general I’ve found. People seem to be constantly on the precipice of being mortally offended by invitations, no invitations, cost, presents. It seems like a stressful old business! Either I am incredibly socially unaware and have gone through 40 years of my life offending people with etiquette, or in reality most people just aren’t that bothered and are happy to attend most things.