To do this instead of a party

[putthefireonplease]

DS birthday falls on a Saturday. Not doing a party this year but doing a sort of drop in where people can come round have cake wish ds happy birthday. So I went invitations out. DH thinks we look like cheeky fuckers. And if anyone comes they’ll feel obliged to bring a gift. Have I been really unreasonable?

Why compare this to Christmas? 😁
It’s perfectly normal to go visiting at Christmas, everybody does it.
Nobody travels to pay their respects to a 5 year old boy on his birthday when you’ve already taken your child to his “celebration” (not party, so what the hell was it?!) a few days before.
The comparison with Christmas visiting is a bit weird actually.
This kid is not the second coming.

The thing is that you’re getting annoyed at what people are saying on here but at the same time you’re not answering their questions clearly / ignoring some and when you do answer bits you’re giving conflicting information. For instance, you say that you are not having another party but you also say that your son is doing something else at another time with friends (that would presumably be classed as a party then. A trip to the cinema or some other organised activity for his birthday being a party).

So there are two real questions here (they’ve been asked by others but you’ve not given clear answers):

• Is this the only birthday ‘activity’ or is he doing something else with HIS friends to celebrate his birthday at another point?
• Is the ‘drop in for cake’ invitation for HIS friends or YOUR friends? As in have you invited his school friends and their parents (who presumably you may not know) or is this family and family friends?

If this is the only birthday celebration he is having and you’re inviting his friends along, then it does sound rather awkward and certainly risks being a disappointment for him as it’s the sort of thing parents will try their best to avoid. Do something with an actual start and finish time and a bit of food.

If this is for family and close family friends in addition to something he is doing with his school friends, then that sounds lovely.

If this is the only birthday celebration you are doing and it’s actually just going to be your friends there to chat over cake and cups of tea ‘celebrating’ his birthday while he plays on his own or with their children then… well it’s not as awkward as inviting strangers to drop in, but it does sound rather like you’ve organised an activity for yourself on his birthday.

Ah! You've hit the nail on the head.
She's expecting a group of shepherds and wise men with their retinue to come, and possibly a number of angels too. That's the issue!

Watch out OP though, you'll need to flee before Herod sends his soldiers.

You really shouldn't be confused by this at all!
What DOESN'T matter

• The day
• the time
• whether you call it a "party", "a gathering", "open house", "a drop in" or anything else

What MATTERS

1. that you don't expect adults who aren't your child's close friends or relatives to buy your child presents, unless you are organising and paying for a significant activity and probably food of some kind for their kids.
2. You don't expect adults who aren't your real friends to organise their weekend around dropping into your house for a short time.

What you sound like you may do that IS rude:

1. say something about it being your child's birthday, which makes school friends parents etc, think they should bring a present, when you AREN'T organising and paying for a significant activity and probably food of some kind for their kids.
2. If you send your "drop in" invite to little Sam who's fond of your kid and wants to come to his birthday, which then means that little Sam's mum is disappointing Sam and your child by saying he can't, or is trying to organise her weekend around an event that has no-definite start or end time, which she doesn't know whether Sam will be bored of in 10 mins and want to go home, or will be upset that he can't stay for 2 hours because he is enjoying playing with the kids and toys.

OP hasn't clarified but we have school friends where the primary relationship is between the children, but we are also friendly with the parents.

Then we have friends who happen to have children of similar age, where the primary relationship is with the adults, but the children are also happy to hang out together.

I'd maybe invite the latter group to a casual drop-in, particularly as it reduces any pressure to attend in the way that there is for a proper party.

And we do have some friends that we normally see around the time of their children's birthdays but we wouldn't expect to be invited to the main party because, though are children are friendly, they aren't 'friends' as such. We would however always take a birthday present for the children, because we're close enough that birthday presents aren't transactional.

You don't send out invitations for a 'if you're passing no big deal thing'

Nope. Try reading your own put. YOU. Asked AIBU to do this instead if a party. Almost everyone says yes, then suddenly he's doing something that's mist a party in another day with his friends????

Sorry for asking if you're ND, but if you're not I give up.

Your husband and your son’s father
plus almost every single poster on this entire thread…..

have said no. A big fat unequivocal…. No

Surely that must make you pause and think “you know what, maybe me thinking this suggestion to swing by for cake if you’re passing for my child’s 5th birthday is completely normal - is most definitely and categorically not normal

I could possibly understand if we were talking about your 96 year old housebound great grandma’s birthday.

Not the day of your child’s 5th birthday!

And are there more invitations for the ‘doing something with his mates not on a Saturday because it’s not the law that birthdays are celebrated on a Saturday even if the birthday is on a Saturday’ event that’s not a party either?