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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To do this instead of a party

235 replies

putthefireonplease · 07/12/2025 15:18

DS birthday falls on a Saturday. Not doing a party this year but doing a sort of drop in where people can come round have cake wish ds happy birthday. So I went invitations out. DH thinks we look like cheeky fuckers. And if anyone comes they’ll feel obliged to bring a gift. Have I been really unreasonable?

OP posts:
FastTurtle · 07/12/2025 16:07

Why can’t it be five friends and a set time as in a little home birthday party?

JoannaTheYodelingCowgirl · 07/12/2025 16:07

ForZanyAquaViewer · 07/12/2025 15:52

This made me laugh far too hard! 🤣

Reminds me of that episode of phineas and ferb when eldest used to watch it, where the teenage sister threw a party and she just said "its just a little get together!" and all her friends chanted "its a party!" bc it clearly was Grin

VickyEadieofThigh · 07/12/2025 16:08

FastTurtle · 07/12/2025 16:07

Why can’t it be five friends and a set time as in a little home birthday party?

That's exactly the sort of party children had in the 60s, when I was little. They were great!

mondaytosunday · 07/12/2025 16:09

Well of course they’ll feel they have to bring a gift. But not sure why you’ve done this - hanging around that people might drop in? Is the invite including children or just your friends? How old is your child ? Frankly I’m not going to go out on a cold Saturday just for a piece of cake - I’ll assume you will be busy hosting and I’ll be sat with some randoms.

GAJLY · 07/12/2025 16:09

I think at 5, having a play and eating cake sounds great! Leave it as it is!

Jeska7 · 07/12/2025 16:11

I think children and parents will turn up expecting some kind of ‘event’ even if you haven’t specified as others have said. Parents may also discuss this too and ask what others are doing. If they are going and what time. They might all agree to turn up at the same time. This might be less likely in December though for a child in reception as they might not have been many parties already. It depends if it’s a well connected group of parents who already have contact details. How many have you invited? You need to be prepared for this. Lots of 5 year olds all turning up at the same time will need some structure to this.

You are inviting people around. You can say don’t buy presents but for most people this will feel strange and rude to turn up without a present so I’m thinking the majority will feel obligated to bring a present.

I agree that it is very unusual. I was initially thinking SC was late teens or something and had agreed to this. Whilst parents might not expect much with the wording on your invite, I imagine most children would expect a party, party food, singing happy birthday all together, and taking a party bag home. I bet most children will not have been to a ‘pop in if you like’ event. Maybe most parents too. It’s the type of thing you do for adults not children.

I agree that a big part of this for your SC is having friends around and them singing happy birthday and blowing candles out. That cannot really happen here and the blowing out of the candles is often a big thing to children.

I’m also concerned that parents won’t understand it, appreciate it’s not a proper party and be not sure what time to arrive etc. They’ll could talk to each other and agree a take to arrive, but they could also all turn up at the first time you state on the invitation. However the alternative is that they might not turn up at all. What have you told your SC. I imagine you’ve said something. Is he expecting a party? Even if you’ve not said party? How upset and sad will he be if no one turns up or only one or two other children, and he’s been so excited about it all day? Waiting for friends to turn up? If only one or two turn up towards the end, then he’ll be asking you ever five minutes when someone is going to arrive!

If I was you, I’d totally rethink this. You don’t have to do much to entertain them. Have a few spaces set up with different toys (Lego, cars, colouring, crafts, etc - sorry rather sexist list) and have musical statues, pass the parcel, etc. Do a few sandwiches and cucumber/carrot sticks.

I’m assuming though perhaps part of this is you’ve invited a lot of friends or the whole class and couldn’t cope if they all turned up together….

Needmorelego · 07/12/2025 16:13

Also @putthefireonplease at age 5 some parents drop and go for parties.
You might end up with a gaggle of 5 year olds expecting you to "do" something and all their parents not actually there.

Sharkteeth · 07/12/2025 16:13

But what does your son want? Because really that’s the most important thing. This year the 7 year old wanted a big day out, they were told that would mean no big party. So they had 4 friends round for a movie, pizza and popcorn and then their big day out. The 3 year old wanted a bouncy castle, racing cars, sandwiches and corn on the cob. So that’s what they got.

If your son wants something different, that’s all well and good but it should be their choice and decision, not yours.

intrepidpanda · 07/12/2025 16:14

5 year olds aren't interested in dropping in to wish friends happy birthday. They go to a party cause it's a party. It does strike as we aren't having a party but if you come drop a present in you'll get a bit of cake.

snoopythebeagle · 07/12/2025 16:14

GAJLY · 07/12/2025 16:09

I think at 5, having a play and eating cake sounds great! Leave it as it is!

Except there's no guarantee anyone will show up!

Zanatdy · 07/12/2025 16:17

3 kids and never invited to pop in for a slice of kids. 5yr olds will think its a party and they will obliged to buy a gift. Why not just not do anything, cake for family. This is a bit odd.

FastTurtle · 07/12/2025 16:18

VickyEadieofThigh · 07/12/2025 16:08

That's exactly the sort of party children had in the 60s, when I was little. They were great!

Same but in the 70’s. We played party games and my DM did a little spread, I had cupcakes with pink icing and my DB had blue, pink/blue table cloth, crisps, sandwiches, home made sausage rolls, jelly and ice cream. Good times and I wore my Little House on the Prairie/Holly Hobbit dress.

ChocolateCinderToffee · 07/12/2025 16:19

I would say the most likely thing is that nobody will turn up, which won't be very nice for your DS.

putthefireonplease · 07/12/2025 16:21

snoopythebeagle · 07/12/2025 15:48

Okay, and if nobody shows up, your DS will be totally fine with that, will he?

He's not a baby, he knows what a birthday is and that it means games, cake and a party. If you don't want to do that (or can't afford it), that's fine, but then don't do this bizarre half party, half- adult orientated chat. It's not fair on your kid.

Yes …?

He’s doing something different for the actual birthday; it’s literally just a ‘if you’re passing’ thing, no big deal at all.

OP posts:
Epidote · 07/12/2025 16:21

I don't see the problem. Neither I think they should bring gifts if the come, some sticker can do the job for a very informal invitation to "pop in if you like we have cake". I wouldn't bother to get my child in, sound boring and not a party, and at 5 they want a party. But I don't see any problem.
I'm in the minority here but I don't see it as CF invitation, I see it as we don't celebrate but you can visit if you wish.

Luxio · 07/12/2025 16:21

snoopythebeagle · 07/12/2025 16:14

Except there's no guarantee anyone will show up!

Exactly. Can you imagine the poor kid thinking no one likes him and no one came to his party when in reality there was no party and people just didn't fancy wasting part of their weekend coming over for just a piece of cake.

Greengagesnfennel · 07/12/2025 16:21

This is fine if his best friends’ parents are also your friends.
However if he has some friends whose parents don’t know you I doubt they would come with this set up as it raises the awkwardness levels.
I would only do this if I knew his best friend would come to this set up, and if I wasn’t sure I’d do a personal invite and offer a play date to be sure. It is your DS birthday after all.

VickyEadieofThigh · 07/12/2025 16:23

putthefireonplease · 07/12/2025 16:21

Yes …?

He’s doing something different for the actual birthday; it’s literally just a ‘if you’re passing’ thing, no big deal at all.

But you said his "actual birthday" was on a Saturday...? So when is the cake drop-in event?

putthefireonplease · 07/12/2025 16:24

Greengagesnfennel · 07/12/2025 16:21

This is fine if his best friends’ parents are also your friends.
However if he has some friends whose parents don’t know you I doubt they would come with this set up as it raises the awkwardness levels.
I would only do this if I knew his best friend would come to this set up, and if I wasn’t sure I’d do a personal invite and offer a play date to be sure. It is your DS birthday after all.

Yes, they are.

I feel this is one of those threads where it’s turned into a bit of a kicking, tbh.

OP posts:
Whoevenarethey · 07/12/2025 16:24

putthefireonplease · 07/12/2025 16:21

Yes …?

He’s doing something different for the actual birthday; it’s literally just a ‘if you’re passing’ thing, no big deal at all.

You still haven't said how many people you have invited and what the exact wording it.
I would send a message to parents clarifying.

putthefireonplease · 07/12/2025 16:24

VickyEadieofThigh · 07/12/2025 16:23

But you said his "actual birthday" was on a Saturday...? So when is the cake drop-in event?

Why does that matter? I don’t mean that rudely, I really don’t; just not sure why the actual date matters.

OP posts:
titchy · 07/12/2025 16:25

putthefireonplease · 07/12/2025 15:36

I do feel like you’re being a bit obtuse here to be honest. I’m willing to accept I’m being unreasonable and should have been clearer no gift is needed, but ds having a wee play with friends while I chat to my friends isn’t that big a deal. I’ll clarify on the messages that no presents are needed!

It’s your kids birthday - it SHOULD be a big deal. Have a fucking party with pass the parcel and loads of kids singing happy birthday to him you weirdo.

SpryLilacSnake · 07/12/2025 16:25

This is fine, people on MN can be a bit rigid in their thinking e.g..party must be 2 hours of cake, games, crisps etc. but I like this idea. I imagine you haven't promised him that loads of friends are coming that day so it doesn't sound like he will be disappointed if no one shows. Obviously 5 year olds don't just sit around chatting but they will play. It's basically a drop in play date with cake - sounds lovely!

Luxio · 07/12/2025 16:26

putthefireonplease · 07/12/2025 16:24

Why does that matter? I don’t mean that rudely, I really don’t; just not sure why the actual date matters.

What do you mean you don't understand? It was a very clear question. Why mention his birthday falls on a Saturday if that's not when you're doing this drop in thing? If you're doing something else on his actual birthday when is this drop in for cake happening?

SingingOcean · 07/12/2025 16:26

I'm sorry you feel it's turning in to a bit of a pile on, but this really is a bit of a strange situation. Have you ever known a five-year old be "home for visitors"? And then sit around eating a slice of cake on their knees whilst chatting? How many slices of cake and chats will the birthday boy do?

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