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AIBU?

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Original poster

I’m so so upset about this!

283 replies

Penny4thoughts1 · 07/12/2025 10:39

I am struggling money wise after a tough few years (or 5 years really) but I was never well off. A few weeks ago I asked my dsis if I could borrow 500quid to sort Christmas and I would pay her back. She said she didn’t have it. I thought fair enough she must have had some crazy expenses as she has two dc etc. but her and he4 do both work v good jobs. Anyway I’ve made do.
cut to this weekend…I’m so upset. She asked me if I would babysit for them for the night. (Paid, as she knows I’m broke) after her dc had gone to bed I had a bath. I was running the bath and found he4 shampoos, brands I have never really seen or used. I googled them. 25quid a bottle!!!
then to top it off I was looking for a match to light a candle as I had tidied the kitchen this morning and in the drawer was a quote for a new car being ordered for January. 500 quid deposit and cash payment due of 25k.
she did have the money she just didn’t want to lend!? Why didn’t she just say? They are due home in an hour and I just want to cry. The live in a brand new house! Furniture is new… everything is perfect and beautiful. I’m just so heartbroken that she couldn’t share 500 with her only sister, they are clearly way more well off than I even thought! Should I say anything! I wasn’t snooping by the way.

OP posts:
InlandTaipan · 07/12/2025 11:29

TheGrimSmile · 07/12/2025 10:54

Not necessarily. Can we stop with the narrative that those who have a lot of money have done something special to merit it. Often it's down to luck or circumstances beyond anyone's control. I say that as someone who is reasonably well-off and probably doesn't "deserve" to be. We really don't live in a meritocracy and hard work does not mean lots of money. And people who are well- off have rarely done anything to warrant that. It's mostly luck.

Show quote history

No, because it's not true. Most people work hard for what they have but people also make decisions that have financial implications- how hard they study, what they study, the careers they chose, who they have children with, how many children they have etc etc

Luck is part of it but it is not just luck.

Unicorntearsofgin · 07/12/2025 11:31

You are so unreasonable. Both snooping and expecting your sister to loan you a large sum pre Christmas.
unless there is a drip feed coming the solution is to save in advance and spend less if you have a smaller budget.

thecalmsea · 07/12/2025 11:31

That's awful that you have snooped and judged. We recently bought a new car, similar deposit and price, because suddenly needed a second car, and I am now £1000 overdrawn, because of buying the car and because it's Christmas. I wouldn't have been able to loan anyone £500 in November either. You have made so many judgements and assumptions. I really would be careful about mentioning any of this to your sister, you sound like an entitled user and she will always feel differently about you.

nayals · 07/12/2025 11:32

Stop going though other peoples drawers.

Outside9 · 07/12/2025 11:32

YABU.

No one is responsible for funding your lifestyle, not even family. Make peace with this and manage your finances accordingly.

ScorchingEgg · 07/12/2025 11:32

What your sister does with her money is absolutely none of your business. You’re coming across as a self-entitled, jealous snoop.

IsItSnowing · 07/12/2025 11:33

Why do you think she should lend you money?
You're being very unreasonable judging her on what she spends her money. They're perfectly entitled to buy a new car if they want one. Did you think they shoud prioritise you 'sorting xmas' over their own expenses?

FletchFan · 07/12/2025 11:35

Just because someone has more money doesn't mean they have to share it around with everyone who has less, even family.

My SIL seems to have this expectation of us and it drives us nuts.

Zanatdy · 07/12/2025 11:35

It can be frustrating when people ask others to borrow money. Maybe her DH wasn’t keen. Maybe she is fed up being asked.

MaplePumpkin · 07/12/2025 11:36

Hugely unreasonable and entitled.

Your sister has worked hard for her money, has a family. If she wants to spend £25 on shampoo then absolutely can. It’s her money. It’s weird that you googled this. And as fit the car. that’s a very sensible purchase. That her and her husband have worked hard for. Why do you think you have a right to her money? You’re acting like she shouldn’t be buying a new car with her own money, and instead she could to you. Maybe this car purchase is something they’ve really saved for, and now they’ve got the funds for it, they don’t have a spare £500.
What do you need the £500 for anyway? Parents? Are you hosting Christmas dinner?
I’m just baffled that you think you have a right to be upset!

LlynTegid · 07/12/2025 11:36

Whilst I think they have the wrong priorities getting probably a larger car than is needed, that is not the point.

Your DSis has no obligation to lend money to you, and it was never for something essential such as a heating repair. Modest Christmas expenditure is perfectly OK.

Arraminta · 07/12/2025 11:37

This type of entitled behaviour infuriates me. The OP states she has struggled financially for a few years and it's easy to see why? She just wants to blithely borrow £500 'to make Xmas work' with likely zero thought as to how to pay it back?

Presumably she'll just fritter it away on stuff she doesn't actually need because she thinks everyone deserves the type of Xmas shown in the media.

If you can't pay for it, you don't do it/get it/ have it. It really is that simple.

TheatricalLife · 07/12/2025 11:37

Oh give over 😂 you were clearly snooping, you've googled her bath products and "tidied" her bloody new car receipt. Just own up to it, most people are nosy.
You have no idea how much money they really have -as in not financed, real, available money. She may have been absolutely truthful and not had £500 to lend you, or she may have just not wanted to. It's none of your business which applies because she said no. Don't ask again.

LoudSnoringDog · 07/12/2025 11:37

Stop mooching about her house. She isn’t obligated to lend you money

GeorgeClooneyshouldhavemarriedme · 07/12/2025 11:38

If you have a decent relationship with your Dsis and she has the money but refused to lend it to you, then I'd be inclined to believe that there is a massive backstory here.

Oriunda · 07/12/2025 11:39

No, you don’t say anything.

Yes, you were snooping.

Honestly? Lending friends or family money is the quickest way to lose those relationships.

lizzyBennet08 · 07/12/2025 11:39

Don't say anything. I think lending even between families can be tricky. Also your attitude to their new things might make them feel that you think you shouldn't have to pay them back as they are so comfortably off.
in a nut shell. You'd be mad to borrow so much money for Xmas when you are struggling already. You'd just be under more pressure in Jan with this to pay off as well.
Have the Xmas you can afford this year, I promise you that you can still enjoy it and getting yourself more in debt would just make life harder next year.

TheCountessAtChristmas · 07/12/2025 11:40

You sister prioritises how she spends HER money. Expensive products, new car whatever, her choice.
She absolutely does NOT need to lend you any money at all. yabvu

LighthouseLED · 07/12/2025 11:41

GeorgeClooneyshouldhavemarriedme · 07/12/2025 11:38

If you have a decent relationship with your Dsis and she has the money but refused to lend it to you, then I'd be inclined to believe that there is a massive backstory here.

Not necessarily. Some people (and I include myself in this) just wouldn’t lend money to people regardless of the circumstances.

I would GIVE money to people I’m close to if they had an actual need for it (so not just a lack of planning for an event that happens every year) but lending to friends and family has too much potential to go wrong and for people to fall out.

zingally · 07/12/2025 11:42

pictoosh · 07/12/2025 10:43

They don't owe you a loan and they can spend their money on whatever suits them.
I sympathise with your struggle but policing your sister's toiletries and taking offence at their personal spending is not going to add anything useful to your situation.

Exactly. Couldn't have said it better.

As for Christmas, you knew it was coming. It happens on the same day every year.
Money is tight in my household as well. So I start my christmas shopping in the January sales. This years christmas cards and wrapping paper were bought in last years sales. I keep my eyes open all year round for things I know my two children will like. Then come christmas list time, all there is left is those 2 or 3 "must have" items left to get. Stockings and all the small gifts have usually been done for months.
I start the food shopping in September, as soon the stuff starts hitting the shelves. One or two items as part of your normal weekly shop really helps.

MyDeftDuck · 07/12/2025 11:43

They earn their money and basically it is spent on their lifestyle……..why should she feel the need to cough up £500 ?

Dogman · 07/12/2025 11:43

You googled how much her shampoo is? You very much were snooping and I would not want you in my home unsupervised ever again.

Maddy70 · 07/12/2025 11:43

They have allocated their money. They don't have any to lend. You are very unreasonable to think that way. They work hard to enable them to buy things that they want. They aren't working to sustain you. You shouldn't be borrowing 500£ off anyone as you will have to pay it back and you just get in a vicious cycle of debt.
You don't need to spend 500 at Christmas. Cut your suit to match your cloth

BrokenWorldRecord · 07/12/2025 11:44

The shampoo may gave been a gift, or she may know someone who has a salon/works in the beauty industry who can get it for her at wholesale price, she may even have won it in a competition or raffle. It’s really none of your business. Likewise the car is none of your business. It may have just been a quote that they have not yet followed through on ir it could be that they have some money coming in January to buy the car but don’t have anything to lend you right now.

I am also guessing this is not the first time you’ve asked them for money, which is likely the reason they said no.

Oriunda · 07/12/2025 11:44

MILLYmo0se · 07/12/2025 11:17

For all you know she got the shampoo at a good price on Black Friday or other sale and stocked up because she doesn't have a lot of spare cash. I do this with Boucleme products because my hair is so much better with them but I can't really afford them at their usual price on a regular basis
And did you expect her to delay buying the car to give you that 500 euros?
She is in a relationship and do you know how they manage their finances or discretionary spending? She may not have 500 sitting there to give you and your BIL may not want to get into lending you money
Many people won't lend money to family and friends because of the damage it causes to the relationship when trying to get the loan repaid, it doesn't make them bad people.
It's completely understandable that you are envious of their set-up, you are only human, but don't let that damage your relationship with your sister

This. I use Kerastase shampoo. It’s expensive (especially from hairdresser) but can buy cheaper from a pharmacy. It also lasts for absolutely ages, and you only need a little. My bottle has lasted me over a year so far. Sometimes buying a cheaper product does not work out cheaper.