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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD boyfriend mum brought my DD the gift she wanted

193 replies

orangesnapples · 07/12/2025 09:15

I'm probably am being unreasonable. But my Dd is gone up ( late 20s) and recently told me the only thing she really wanted for Christmas was a certain perfume set. When telling me, her boyfriend chimed in that it's really expensive and we probably couldn't afford it. Straight away I said, excuse me! You don't know what we can and can't afford and that it was absolutely fine, we would be happy to get this. For the record we always spend a couple of hundred each on our kid as I live Christmas and live to spoil all my kids and gift them things they love. The gifting is really important to me. I get so excited for the Christmas morning.
Anyway this week I double check that I have the right perfume set written down.
Last night I get a text from her boyfriend to say that his mum has brought the perfume set and I can get her something else. And it's really miffed me off.
I don't want to get her something she doesn't really want. I know it was kind of his mum to get her something so thoughtful but she asked me for it and now I feel like I'm going to give her something she doesn't really want or will use.
It's just made me a bit fed up and taken the wind out my sails, but I don't know if I should give my head a wobble. She's fairly successful so tends to buy her self stuff she really wants.

OP posts:
Winterwonderwhy · 07/12/2025 14:26

Nanny0gg · 07/12/2025 12:11

I don't understand how so many can't see that the boyfriend was spectacularly rude

My sons-in-law wouldn't say something like that and they've been in the family for years

I think he was rude as well BUT the dd of 30 has chosen him so clearly she’s happy with that. Not sure what op can do about it

ifyoulikechocolate · 07/12/2025 19:07

lohpetite · 07/12/2025 10:38

Are you bored? Stop riling up the OP.

Show quote history

Im not the only one who thinks the boyfriend is a dick. Telling the OP she can’t afford it and telling his own mum about the gift. I don’t think it would be an isolated incident - things like this don’t come out of nowhere.

Ejvd · 08/12/2025 10:02

There are some things that you need to separate in your mind.

Your xmas gifting ritual means a lot to you, it might not mean as much to everyone else, so dont take things personally regarding this. So you need to get over the Xmas gift thing on this occasion and buy her something else. That part of things is forgivable if she's telling everyone and their mama the only thing she wants for Xmas.

The part that you need to separate from Xmas is the other weirdness. It may be nothing, it's certainly not enough to make a judgement on - but WTAF? Can you imagine saying to your new boyfriends parents the sentence "its very expensive, you probably couldn't afford it"?!?! Wow. That's just such a weird thing to say. To anyone.

Don't start a fight or tension with the bf over this situation. Its too easy for him to make you look silly and his family look sweet. Don't risk giving him the opportunity to start driving a wedge between you. From the little I've heard, he sounds off (but again, i know far too little to judge). So you need to be a bit careful about how you handle this situation. Just observe for now. The important thing is to ensure hes not a bad guy. Xmas gifts in that grand scheme of things are trifling.

Coffeeishot · 08/12/2025 10:06

ifyoulikechocolate · 07/12/2025 19:07

Im not the only one who thinks the boyfriend is a dick. Telling the OP she can’t afford it and telling his own mum about the gift. I don’t think it would be an isolated incident - things like this don’t come out of nowhere.

Show quote history

I agree these men pick pick away over time, and it is something to watch out for.

moderate · 08/12/2025 10:13

Your daughter’s boyfriend is a dick. Tell him you’ve already bought the perfume. It doesn’t matter who physically gets it to her first because she already knows you are the one she asked for it.

Vaxtable · 08/12/2025 10:15

I would text back, oh dear so have I can you ask your mum to return please

then I would crack on and buy it, after all she asked YOU nor his mother

Frenchfrychic · 08/12/2025 10:21

Vaxtable · 08/12/2025 10:15

I would text back, oh dear so have I can you ask your mum to return please

then I would crack on and buy it, after all she asked YOU nor his mother

But why start this war, she should just work out what else her daughter wishes, this way her daughter gets two things she loves.

Isthisreasonable · 08/12/2025 10:58

Is the bf always that rude and condescending? He'd be getting a Gregg's giftcard from me. You could always give your dd a home-nade voucher for a mother-daughter day out. On the day you could then treat her to whatever she likes.

If you think he and his family are trying to out do you, I wouldn't mention the voucher and if they try to find out just say you haven't found the right gift yet. Or mention something else and see what the reaction is.

SwimBikeRunBake · 08/12/2025 11:24

Some people seem to be assuming that the OPs daughter has also asked for the same perfume set from BF mum. If someone asks you want you want for Christmas do you tell everyone the same thing? Or do you make different suggestions to different people? Because I wouldn't ask for the same thing from multiple people.

I have read this that the daughter isn't asking for anyone for a perfume set, but she has specifically asked her mum for this after being asked what she would like for Christmas.

@orangesnapples did your DS reply to your text message where you asked her to confirm the brand? If she did then I would be minded to buy her the perfume set she has asked for.

The comment from the BF, as well as being extremely rude for suggesting you can't afford this may also have been awkward and embarrassing for your DD, implying she is being unreasonable with her request, undermining her and acting as gatekeeper for what she can and cannot ask for.

TeenLifeMum · 08/12/2025 11:29

I would be pissed off too but keep it internal and focus on spending time with dd instead. Maybe book a treat as her gift like a theatre trip or spa day just the two of you so it’s a really personal gift of time as well as the cost.

we always give parents ideas but my dm chooses first for me and dh’s mum chooses first for him (not sure if they know this as we don’t advertise it). I feel that’s respectful.

Mummacake · 08/12/2025 11:29

You should tell bf you've already got her the set. Any reason why bf mum can't get her something else??

moderate · 08/12/2025 11:32

SwimBikeRunBake · 08/12/2025 11:24

Some people seem to be assuming that the OPs daughter has also asked for the same perfume set from BF mum. If someone asks you want you want for Christmas do you tell everyone the same thing? Or do you make different suggestions to different people? Because I wouldn't ask for the same thing from multiple people.

I have read this that the daughter isn't asking for anyone for a perfume set, but she has specifically asked her mum for this after being asked what she would like for Christmas.

@orangesnapples did your DS reply to your text message where you asked her to confirm the brand? If she did then I would be minded to buy her the perfume set she has asked for.

The comment from the BF, as well as being extremely rude for suggesting you can't afford this may also have been awkward and embarrassing for your DD, implying she is being unreasonable with her request, undermining her and acting as gatekeeper for what she can and cannot ask for.

DD's boyfriend was present when DD asked OP for the perfume set. So he knows he's asked his parents to step on toes.

Buffs · 08/12/2025 19:15

Topjoe19 · 07/12/2025 09:23

Agree. I'd message him back & tell him as your DD asked for it you've bought it so his mum will have to get her something else.

Don’t cause unnecessary stress with your daughter’s boyfriend and family. She is bound to find something else she likes. Be the grown up and be pleased that his family are generous and kind to your daughter.

MaggiesShadow · 08/12/2025 19:29

I'm genuinely astounded at some of these responses.

This man was breathtakingly rude to tell you that you couldn't afford your dd's present? How dare he? If my DH spoke to my mother like that there'd be hell to pay!

Then, not only did he decide you couldn't afford it but went out of his way to ask his own mother to buy it for your dd? It wouldn't be as bad if he'd bought it himself.

I don't know, maybe I'm too cynical but that just doesn't sit right with me. I'd be telling him that I'd already got it because she'd asked me for it specifically, and that his mother could get her something else. And I'd be side-eyeing him, too!

GlobalTravellerbutespeciallyBognor · 08/12/2025 19:31

Bf sounds very rude.

After Christmas, ‘Susie, just so you know, I had been planing to get you the perfume but Tom then texted me to say his M had kindly got it for you. I’m explaining as I don’t want you to think I wasn’t listening, darling’.

TableLegs001 · 08/12/2025 19:44

I would not share gift ideas with anyone going forward. Perfume is so boring too I would be glad someone else has already bought it.

I’m sure there are lots of other things you could get. Don’t let it deflate your sails!

MMAS · 08/12/2025 19:46

Probably need to clarify how long they have been together. If not long, then he has no right to say anything to you about cost and could well just be controlling but, as one poster said, his parents may well have bought it already for her and he is too young mentally to know how to verbalise words better or, is perhaps from a different money background. What matters is his complete lack of consideration in finding out what else his partner would like and empathy to the hurt caused.

Theslummymummy · 08/12/2025 19:48

Where did she bring it?

cornflakecrunchie · 08/12/2025 19:58

For Heaven's sake, it's no biggie, buy her a nice piece of jewellery instead, that will last for ever, the perfume won't. job done.

croydon15 · 08/12/2025 20:02

Olderbutt · 07/12/2025 09:37

Oh for goodness sake! Yes. Give your head a big wobble! Talk about childish. Just find out what else she would like and be grateful boyfriends Mum cares enough to buy it!

This

croydon15 · 08/12/2025 20:03

This

firstofallimadelight · 08/12/2025 20:05

I think it depends did your dd mention it to her first and she had already bought it by the time your dd mentioned it to you?
or did her bf tell his mum after your dd told you?

GordonBrownwhenherealisedhismicwasstillon · 08/12/2025 20:06

ElfAndSafetyBored · 07/12/2025 09:20

I totally get how you feel but ask him for other ideas, there will be other things she wants. Or buy a treat for her if there no ‘thing’ you can think of - afternoon tea somewhere nice or whatever sort of thing she likes.

It is lovely your DD is being treated so well by her boyfriend’s family.

It's not lovely he's telling his in laws what he thinks they can or can't afford, my goodness that's the height of bad manners

Grapewrath · 08/12/2025 20:07

I’d be petty and text back
’ive already got the perfume! I did say I would when DD asked. Hopefully your mum can exchange it for something else’

SleepQuest33 · 08/12/2025 20:13

I think the boyfriend is incredibly rude! I would be really upset, however!!!, I wouldn’t want to start a fight with my potential in-laws, so I would just write to your daughter explaining what’s happened and asking her for another suggestion.

i would keep a close eye on this man, don’t like the sound of him!