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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD boyfriend mum brought my DD the gift she wanted

193 replies

orangesnapples · 07/12/2025 09:15

I'm probably am being unreasonable. But my Dd is gone up ( late 20s) and recently told me the only thing she really wanted for Christmas was a certain perfume set. When telling me, her boyfriend chimed in that it's really expensive and we probably couldn't afford it. Straight away I said, excuse me! You don't know what we can and can't afford and that it was absolutely fine, we would be happy to get this. For the record we always spend a couple of hundred each on our kid as I live Christmas and live to spoil all my kids and gift them things they love. The gifting is really important to me. I get so excited for the Christmas morning.
Anyway this week I double check that I have the right perfume set written down.
Last night I get a text from her boyfriend to say that his mum has brought the perfume set and I can get her something else. And it's really miffed me off.
I don't want to get her something she doesn't really want. I know it was kind of his mum to get her something so thoughtful but she asked me for it and now I feel like I'm going to give her something she doesn't really want or will use.
It's just made me a bit fed up and taken the wind out my sails, but I don't know if I should give my head a wobble. She's fairly successful so tends to buy her self stuff she really wants.

OP posts:
ThisMintSwan · 07/12/2025 10:42

Are you sure the comment about it being too expensive wasn't meant as a hint that they had already bought it/planned to buy it?
Either way, just buy her something else. She's uour Dd surely you can think of something else she'd like?

Bumcake · 07/12/2025 10:43

HandsFaceTeeth · 07/12/2025 09:17

Surely your DD has more then one thing she would like?

Sentence two answers that.

ohnotthisagain2020 · 07/12/2025 10:44

It was a shit thing for them to do. Your boyfriend was totally out of line. Sounds like he was trying to control your spending.

At least your daughter can enjoy it. I would just tell your daughter that they unexpectedly bought it for her, and ask her what you can get her instead, and make absolutely sure you spend just as much, if not more, on her gift. It's none of his business what you spend on your daughter.

sittingonabeach · 07/12/2025 10:44

What's BF normally like? Could this be that he knew his mum had already bought it or has he stirred the pot?

WimbyAce · 07/12/2025 10:46

If someone had done this when my kid was 5 then yeah I'd be pd off. Your daughter is in her 20s, you know she is getting the perfume set she wanted so get something else. It's not a big deal!

Nanny0gg · 07/12/2025 10:46

4forksache · 07/12/2025 09:25

Yes you are being a bit unreasonable. In the grand scheme of things it doesn’t really matter. She will get something she really wants and something else nice too. Try not to get in the way of the boyfriend/his families relationship with dd. It won’t end well.

But the boyfriend is doing just that!

How dare he presume as to what the OP can and can't afford.

He's looking down on them

Mydadsbirthday · 07/12/2025 10:47

Sorry but I hate the sound of her boyfriend. It was incredibly rude and crass of him to say you couldn't afford to buy her the present. And then to text you that his mum has bought it. Is he always so controlling about who buys his GF's presents? I cannot imagine my DH when we were that age getting involved to this degree. He sounds awful, big red flags.

Whatsmyusername94 · 07/12/2025 10:47

How pathetic that you’re annoyed someone else bought her the gift. Buy something else and grow up

usedtobeaylis · 07/12/2025 10:48

The boyfriend sounds like a bit of a dick.

Bonden · 07/12/2025 10:50

Time line is unclear. If a couple of weeks passed since the first info that she wanted the perfume, then it’s easy to see how the BFs mum might have asked him for ideas for your DD for Xmas and he said the perfume set.

BackToLurk · 07/12/2025 10:53

Good grief. Just buy her something else.

WimbyAce · 07/12/2025 10:53

I agree that BF used the can't afford line as it was already bought. Yes it was clumsy but it seems that he and his mum mean well, they are trying to please your daughter which is a good thing? He has now confirmed with you that it has been bought and asked you to get something else so there are not duplicates. I'm not sure why he is being made to be the bad guy in this? Unless there is a back story of him being difficult I think he has acted in good faith.

ElfAndSafetyBored · 07/12/2025 10:55

Rosscameasdoody · 07/12/2025 10:33

First the BF questions OP’s ability to afford the perfume set, and then, knowing full well she intends to buy it, tells his mum to get it instead and then offhandedly tells OP to get her something else. Lovely ? Yeah. Right.

Show quote history

Little of what you say is a known fact. You’ve presumed loads and just looked at it from a negative point of view.

If I was guessing - and that is all it would be - I would agree with PPs who think the boyfriend panicked as he’d already mentioned it to his mum, which explains the ‘can’t afford it’ comment.

And his mum just bought what she’d been told, so yeah, that is lovely.

Christwosheds · 07/12/2025 10:55

If he knew that his Mum had already bought it surely he could have just said that and simply suggested something else that he knows your dd wants ? Saying ‘it’s too expensive for you’ knowing his Mum had bought it would be beyond rude. Knowing that you were buying it and not informing his Mum of that is also rude, so whatever he is doing he sounds as though he’s trying to one-up his GF’s family in some way, which is not good. Immature and controlling.
I would be annoyed, but get my dd something else that she would love.

booboohoohoo · 07/12/2025 10:57

Am I missing something? I love my favourite perfume so would be very pleased to get two lots !

Bonjamin · 07/12/2025 10:59

Surely ‘overstepping’ is when someone buys your baby daughter her first teddy or takes her for her first haircut? A fragrance gift set is exactly the kind of neutral present I’d assume I could get for DS’s girlfriend, if I didn’t know her that well but wanted to give her something she’d like, if DS had confirmed what it was she wore. You know her much better - give her something more personal like an afternoon tea together, or jewellery or something.

You're not in a competition with this woman, so don’t let other posters persuade you to turn it into one.

5128gap · 07/12/2025 11:01

Clearly your DD mentioned it to her BF and his mum before you, and his mum very kindly got it for her. Inconvenient for you, because you'll have to come up with a new idea, but nothing to be 'miffed' about. As our children grow up and get partners, often the 'main gift' is given by someone else, usually the partner. So we have to just use a bit more thought and come up with something else. You should be glad your DD is treated so well by her potential MiL to be.

MILLYmo0se · 07/12/2025 11:03

I think before you get upset you'd need to be sure that it hadn't already been organised that bfs mum was getting the perfume set before it was said to you/she hadn't gone and organised it herself knowing DD likes that perfume as it is a pretty safe and easy gift for your child's g/f, so I'd have replied straight back 'oh, how did that happen when you knew she'd asked me fir it?' (but not that bluntly!)
Is there a body lotion of this perfume or the mini or pen versions to keep in her different handbags? An engraved beautiful atomiser would be a lovely gift too. Could you arrange a visit to one of those places where you can mix your own scents and make a day of it with linch

purpleme12 · 07/12/2025 11:05

@orangesnapples I would be pissed off as well

Blondeshavemorefun · 07/12/2025 11:06

This would piss me off

so bf thinks you can’t afford it but his mum can

FeistyFrankie · 07/12/2025 11:07

I don't like the bf's involvement in any of this - firstly dictating that his parents would be buying it, and putting you down in the process! Then it's him replying to your message, and again telling you what to do.

Red flag central. What is he like in general, OP? Because in your post he's coming across as controlling.

ohnotthisagain2020 · 07/12/2025 11:08

ohnotthisagain2020 · 07/12/2025 10:44

It was a shit thing for them to do. Your boyfriend was totally out of line. Sounds like he was trying to control your spending.

At least your daughter can enjoy it. I would just tell your daughter that they unexpectedly bought it for her, and ask her what you can get her instead, and make absolutely sure you spend just as much, if not more, on her gift. It's none of his business what you spend on your daughter.

Edited

Her boyfriend, sorry I misunderstood.

Now that I have realised that I too wonder if he had already bought it. It is also quite different that her own boyfriend/his mum bought it for her, not your boyfriend's mum as I thought.

I think this is fine, actually. Nice thing for her boyfriend to do. And I am sorry I misunderstood.

Winterwonderwhy · 07/12/2025 11:08

Img she’s in her late 20s and you’re behaving like she’s a toddler on her first Christmas. Grow up op. She’s late 20s, a big grown woman!

Ophy83 · 07/12/2025 11:09

I dont think OP can say she has bought it when it seems he told her following OP's query to check she'd written it down correctly.

You have a good budget to get her a lovely surprise. Do you think she might enjoy a spa day/evening? Or some ugg slippers and nice PJs. Theatre tickets. A voucher for a massage or treatments at The Pig or similar. Does she enjoy reading? One of my favourite ever gifts from my mum was a year's membership of the Rare Birds online book club.

ABeerInTheSunshineMakesMeHappy · 07/12/2025 11:13

Agree @5128gap
I was wondering how long the DD had been with her BF, as by the time someone is in their 20s, if they have been together some time, and certainly if they live together, then that becomes their primary relationship.

Also I would be quite horrified if I thought DS’s partner’s mum was upset over anything we had bought her.