DD boyfriend mum brought my DD the gift she wanted

[orangesnapples]

I'm probably am being unreasonable. But my Dd is gone up ( late 20s) and recently told me the only thing she really wanted for Christmas was a certain perfume set. When telling me, her boyfriend chimed in that it's really expensive and we probably couldn't afford it. Straight away I said, excuse me! You don't know what we can and can't afford and that it was absolutely fine, we would be happy to get this. For the record we always spend a couple of hundred each on our kid as I live Christmas and live to spoil all my kids and gift them things they love. The gifting is really important to me. I get so excited for the Christmas morning.
Anyway this week I double check that I have the right perfume set written down.
Last night I get a text from her boyfriend to say that his mum has brought the perfume set and I can get her something else. And it's really miffed me off.
I don't want to get her something she doesn't really want. I know it was kind of his mum to get her something so thoughtful but she asked me for it and now I feel like I'm going to give her something she doesn't really want or will use.
It's just made me a bit fed up and taken the wind out my sails, but I don't know if I should give my head a wobble. She's fairly successful so tends to buy her self stuff she really wants.

I'd tell him that I am getting the perfume set she asked ME for and to not interfere, pull a fast one, from conversations I have with my daughter.

You've just invented half of that!

Sounds like the boyfriend made a clumsy comment because the gift had already been purchased by his mother.

I’d be thrilled with two bottles of my favourite perfume. I’d find a way to get over this without saying a word. You’ll end up looking petty and childish.

Message back saying you have already bought it. His mum can return it for something else.

Any other issues with the boyfriend? He sounds like a bit of a dick.

I think his mum had already got the set, and that's why he tried to put you off buying it without revealing the reason in front of your DD.
It's a bloody perfume set, not a one off holiday or new car. Just ask what else she would like or buy something special like theatre tickets or a weekend away for the two of you.

Isn't this a fascinating thread? It condenses mainly into two POV

• the BF is an arse, and got his mum to buy something inappropriate
• the BF said one awkward/stupid thing in saying 'you probably can't afford it', possibly because his mum had already bought the perfume.

Why on earth don't you just ring the BF and ask him which of these two it was? You could gently point out to him that saying 'you probably can't afford it' was a bit of a stupid comment, and not one you appreciate. (This suggestion comes from my inexperienced non-parental view that young people are gauche and say the wrong thing sometimes, and it is nice to be in a quasi-parental role to BF and GF as well and steer them gently). You could soften the conversation by saying that it wouldn't be your choice that DD has two identical sets, but if he thinks that's what she really really wants, you could do that. Or get him to find out what else she would like. Or ask her...

But do have it out with the BF, unless you have already decided, before this incident, that he is a WOS. Be open and loving towards him in the absence of other red flags.

Did your DD tell you she wanted the perfume set in response to you asking her what she wanted (from you) for Christmas? Because if she did then you are not being unreasonable feeling unhappy about this.

Yeah I would too. Tell him you’ve got it so they will need to return theirs

As soon as I read that he said about the expense I thought that it had already been bought.

So she has either mentioned it or he has told his mum what her favourite perfume is when she has asked for ideas.

Not sure why that means that they should return the present.

If Op had already got it then it would be a different matter.

I think this is a mix up. I suspect the bf had already bought it unknown to your dd. So he tried to put you off it saying it was too expensive (how would he know that unless he looked it up himself and/or had actually already bought it?). Then when you didn't take the hint he has had to come up with another story about his mum getting it, to keep the subterfuge going. Back off and buy something else!

I would think that’s very generous of the mum, I’d be pleased she’s got my DD something nice that she wants instead of tat, and potentially be pleased I can buy something a bit cheaper (but that’s just me!). I’d think of it that my DD’s present from me will now be a surprise which will be nice, but that it’s not a competition of who can buy the best gift anyway. You know your DD well so will be able to get her something different she likes

You know your daughter and hopefully the things she appreciates. Just buy her something, maybe of similar values so you don't confirm you're poorer 😒, that you think would mean something to her.

Who has the energy to be competing over Christmas presents for adults.

It was quite spiteful and calculated imo and a sign of what type of boyfriend he really is.... not a good start for the potential inlaw relationship for the future.
I would thank him but inform him you've already bought it and his mum needs to return the gift or look silly when she gives it to her after she has recieved yours. No doubt she will try and get in there first though.

I just don’t see this, the daughter obvs told her mil she wanted it and the mil bought it. Was the boyfriend supposed to keep it a secret? The daughter won’t know until Xmas day, so who else was supposed to tell her. He prob thought shit best say when he was told.

ive noticed on here some folks always jump to there must be horrible intent. But sometimes there simply isn’t, and I’m sure the daughter wants more than this.

Was her boyfriend trying to give you a hint perhaps, that your daughter had mentioned it to HIS parents too, and they were already in the process of buying it? If not, then I'd be miffed I'd been beaten to the post. Maybe buy her a spa day for mother and daughter or some other treat just for the two of you? *boyfriends mother is NOT trying to take your place, although it can feel that way.

I don't understand how so many can't see that the boyfriend was spectacularly rude

My sons-in-law wouldn't say something like that and they've been in the family for years

Good grief, talk about jumping to conclusions!!!

If the perfume set is REALLY expensive, and REALLY what she wants, where's the harm in having TWO??? You know it's going to get used and appreciated!

This is one of the most bonkers threads I've ever read.

Boyfriend made a clumsy attempt at deflection for what ever reason and that somehow makes him a controlling arsehole waving enough red flags for Mayday in Moscow.

Just buy her the same, she'll use it anyway. "I'd already bought it when Kevin told me Sheila had bought it too, but you can't have to much of a good thing, can you?. tinkly laugh.

Follow it up with something else she'd like. You've already said you spend hundreds anyway.

ETA: Yes the comment was rude but I've noticed many young people today have no idea of manners anyway. God I feel old.

She’s nearly 30 so you should probably get over it

This bf sounds like a controlling A**e deciding what you can afford and who will be giving certain gifts.
Wtf is his problem. I would ask if he was hard of thinking or had a hearing problem or maybe didn’t understand the conversation.

When someone asks person A to do something for them, they don’t mean they want person B to do it for them

The nuances with what was said and his mother buying the gift show a relationship built on his unwavering negative assessment of people which he is so certain of he actually verbalises it in front of them.

I would reply with LOL. And then go buy the bigger version for your dd and make sure she opens it first

(if he asks what LOL means reply with I thought you would know given how much information you deem to have about what I can and can’t afford)

It's more the assuming you can't afford to buy the perfume for your DD. Why did he think this? I would pull him up on it or have words with DD about it.

The gift is a secondary issue. Her boyfriend sounds horrible. I wouldn’t want a child of mine in a relationship with someone who behaves like he does.

how long have they been together - is this usual from him? Are there other signs he is controlling, arrogant, unkind, unpleasant?

I think this is likely key too. He rather clumily tried to put you off getting it.

In the nicest way - I feel like you’re being unreasonable. His mum doesn’t know her as well so I bet he said that to put you off so he could tell her what to get. You’re her mum, I am sure you can think of something she would love! My girls are only 4 and 1 but we usually give good gift ideas to family so they get the joy of seeing them open & play with something that they love, we get that all year with them and can always think of more things.

Really, I think he was trying to be helpful and was put in a difficult situation.

i some folks always jump to the worst possible explanation.