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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Told colleague I'm 16 weeks pregnant and asked to keep it quiet.

155 replies

Lemonsqueez · 07/12/2025 07:47

I work in a consultancy in a male dominated industry. I told my line manager at 15 weeks pregnant as I started feeling really ill and having complications. My workload is too high for me to keep up but as I've been put forward for a promotion which will only happen in March I'm really stressed about telling work. This promotion is based on my last year of work, not going into a new role. Anyway I told my project director who is not my line manager but who I work closest with and she told me her advice was to hold off as long as reasonably possible to tell anyone as she thinks I'll get sidelined and miss opportunities. After she said this I cried at my desk and felt so anxious. I have to travel this week with the team and since this is my second pregnancy I'm really showing, I don't know what to do. Am I being unreasonable thinking she was out of line with her comment?

OP posts:
napody · 07/12/2025 07:49

Well, you can hardly keep it a secret until March, can you? You'll have to tell them soon, you're nearly 4 months gone.

EleanorReally · 07/12/2025 07:49

i dont think she was out of line
in an ideal world yes you would not get sidelined
do you want the promotion?

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 07/12/2025 07:49

She wasn’t trying to make your life harder. She was sharing the reality which she has noticed. You don’t have to take her advice, that is still your choice.

But I’d talk it through with someone like ‘Pregnant then Screwed’, as it’s clearly going to be a problem for you. If you are worrying about showing now, how will you manage until March?

PersephoneParlormaid · 07/12/2025 07:51

Just tell them and reduce your anxiety

Original poster
Lemonsqueez · 07/12/2025 07:53

EleanorReally · 07/12/2025 07:49

i dont think she was out of line
in an ideal world yes you would not get sidelined
do you want the promotion?

I've already been put forward for the promotion. If they didn't give it to me I would raise a grievance to make sure it's not because of my pregnancy

OP posts:
napody · 07/12/2025 07:53

She was a bit silly to give such un-actionable advice though. OP is gonna have to say something. Part of her stress is because colleague has told her there's another option (keep quiet until 7 months pregnant, work at top speed despite the impact of pregnancy and get the promotion then tell them?) And there isn't.
Great advice about Pregnant then Screwed though.

Edit: I'd quoted @PrizedPickledPopcorn but it disappeared- agree about Pregnant then Screwed but disagree OP has a choice.

Mayflower282 · 07/12/2025 07:54

Are you upset because you want people to be happy and share in your excitement? Or are you scared with the reality that your life is going to change by having a child?

iliketobereasonable · 07/12/2025 07:54

Whether she was being unreasonable warning you is dependent of whether she is being realistic as to the situation.

When I announced my pregnancy (13 years ago) to my management, I was brought into the CEOs office, told that I had been down to have a big promotion to head of department but that would now be given to someone else as I was pregnant and wouldn’t be there to support the business when they needed it.

Obviously, I went mad at him and challenged this and did get the promotion, but if your workplace is similarly minded to my old one, she is not being unreasonable to warn you!

MrsPrendergast · 07/12/2025 07:55

EleanorReally · 07/12/2025 07:49

i dont think she was out of line
in an ideal world yes you would not get sidelined
do you want the promotion?

I agree. I think she was being really helpful

HewasH2O · 07/12/2025 07:56

You started by telling us that you're concerned, then seemed to blame your colleague. It sounds as though she understands your concerns.

You don't have to tell anyone until you want to, so use this time to get your planning in place. You need to have answers to questions about when you will be going on mat leave, how long you are likely to be off and how project handovers will work.

Pore over your company's policies so you know exactly what you are entitled to & the support you should be given. Find out if any of your colleagues have taken mat leave recently and ask them about their experience.

Best wishes

Original poster
Lemonsqueez · 07/12/2025 07:56

Well there are laws protecting me and legally if have to tell them before the promotion is announced as I'm legally required to tell my employer but Feb but promotion will only be announced in March. I've got a paper trail showing I've been put forward so not afraid to raise a grivance and question it if I don't get it. I can raise a grivance.

OP posts:
Whoevenarethey · 07/12/2025 07:57

Lemonsqueez · 07/12/2025 07:53

I've already been put forward for the promotion. If they didn't give it to me I would raise a grievance to make sure it's not because of my pregnancy

Show quote history

So are you definitely being promoted or you are one of a few people who might be promoted? I think it will all depend on wording and contracts. It could be the company hold off now promoting anyone to avoid claims of discrimination.
I think your colleague was being kind and warning you what the company is like.

Round3HereWeGo · 07/12/2025 07:58

I think YABU but it depends how she said it. If she was just trying to give you her advice and protect you, which is what it sounds like, I think it was very good of her. Of course being sidelined shouldn't happen but in the real world, and in a male dominated industry, it happens (IME). If she was saying it because she thinks you being pregnant is a nuisance then obviously she was out of order and YANBU

IdentifyingHouse · 07/12/2025 07:59

I did exactly this myself for the same reason 🤷‍♀️ I don’t think you have to formally say until around 24 weeks (?) for mat leave purposes and before that people can just wonder.

It sucks that that’s the reality, but it certainly was in my firm, and I think it’s great she’s made you aware of that. Knowledge is power.

TootsMaHoots · 07/12/2025 08:00

She was just saying what she thinks and she’s probably right. She hasn’t told you that you can’t tell people. She’s told you that in her opinion, you may miss opportunities at work because you are pregnant. Nobody wants this to be the situation but unfortunately it is.

She’s told you to hold off as long as is reasonably possible, not to hold off until March.

Eenameenadeeka · 07/12/2025 08:01

You've said that your current workload is too much for you to keep up with at the moment, so it seems like good advice from her? If you tell them that you can't manage your current workload, a promotion is probably not going to work for the company.

Original poster
Lemonsqueez · 07/12/2025 08:01

Well nothing I can do but the promotion cycle are based off the last years work. I'm not stepping into a new role just getting the pay and title I've worked for the last year. The promotion time period is just that they only action promotions three times a year in line with budget cycles.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lemonsqueez · 07/12/2025 08:03

That's not really how it works. I work in a consultancy and I've been told by a few people I have too many projects for one person to handle. The promotion is supposed to be based off my skills and experience increasing. People don't stay in the same projects and roles for long in consultancy

OP posts:
Original poster
Lemonsqueez · 07/12/2025 08:04

What your second part doesn't even make sense I already have a child

OP posts:
napody · 07/12/2025 08:04

Lemonsqueez · 07/12/2025 07:56

Well there are laws protecting me and legally if have to tell them before the promotion is announced as I'm legally required to tell my employer but Feb but promotion will only be announced in March. I've got a paper trail showing I've been put forward so not afraid to raise a grivance and question it if I don't get it. I can raise a grivance.

Great- you have a plan. You weren't that clear in your OP- it sounded as if you were going to be competing for a new role. If you've been put forward for recognition of what you're already doing and keep a paper trail then they'd be in hot water for retracting it.

You're annoyed at the colleague for giving impossible advice but she was just showing concern. Her involvement isn't the focus - just take it that it came from a good place but if you're really showing now and travelling with the team it's going to be more stress than it's worth to try and brazen it out for 3 more months, surely?

Medexpert · 07/12/2025 08:05

What do you mean by 'being put forward'? If it means that you are on the short list amongst others, then surely it's not a guarantee anyway.

The problem you have in this instance is that they could find ways ro justify one of the other candidate was better than you and the onus is then on you to prove there was discrimination.

You have to decide whether to announce it now so that they might show some understanding if your performance dip a bit as you can justify it by being pregnant but of course, that means they could plan how to give the promotion to someone else.

Or you can delay it as long as possible, so that it becomes harder for them to plan to give the promotion to someone else but you need to continue to excel to justify the promotion.

It sounds this is what the Dire tor was trying to explain to you.

Original poster
Lemonsqueez · 07/12/2025 08:05

I'm really shocked by all the comments so far.pregnancy is protected characteristic and I could take employee to tribunal for any discrimination.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lemonsqueez · 07/12/2025 08:08

I'm not competing against my colleagues. I work in a. Consultancy so people pick and choose the projects they want to work on and then promotion happen three times a year and management reviews what you've been doing and if you are at the next level. I'm not competing against my colleagues for this promotion.

OP posts:
JMSA · 07/12/2025 08:09

Crying at work, anxious and already talking about grievances.
Are you sure this promotion is a good idea?
YABU with regard to your colleague.

Frogbear · 07/12/2025 08:10

Proving it isn’t that easy though. Putting forward is not the same as being guaranteed a promotion and it’s suddenly taken away for pregnancy.

Just because you don’t get a promotion that doesn’t mean it happened because you’re pregnant and you’re being a bit naive that you can easily prove that.

Your friend gave you what she thought is sensible (but actually unrealistic) advice so not sure why you’re so annoyed at her.