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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Told colleague I'm 16 weeks pregnant and asked to keep it quiet.

155 replies

Lemonsqueez · 07/12/2025 07:47

I work in a consultancy in a male dominated industry. I told my line manager at 15 weeks pregnant as I started feeling really ill and having complications. My workload is too high for me to keep up but as I've been put forward for a promotion which will only happen in March I'm really stressed about telling work. This promotion is based on my last year of work, not going into a new role. Anyway I told my project director who is not my line manager but who I work closest with and she told me her advice was to hold off as long as reasonably possible to tell anyone as she thinks I'll get sidelined and miss opportunities. After she said this I cried at my desk and felt so anxious. I have to travel this week with the team and since this is my second pregnancy I'm really showing, I don't know what to do. Am I being unreasonable thinking she was out of line with her comment?

OP posts:
Original poster
Lemonsqueez · 07/12/2025 08:11

I'm mostly annoyed because I think she was also trying to possibly cover for herself. I think she is leaving the project in a month or two so if I don't tell anyone she might be better off and not have to help train my replacement. I also think the way she said it came across bitchy and made me feel bad when in reality Ive been struggling to keep up with my sickness.

OP posts:
Alicorn1707 · 07/12/2025 08:12

@Lemonsqueez as the majority of previous posters have stated, she is not unreasonable to advise you to wait as long as possible.

I presume both she and you have an idea about the company culture?

Yes, pregnancy is protected but if you raise a grievance isn't it unlikely that you will remain with this company and your promotion will be lost anyway?

I understand you are stressed and inundated with work, so it does put you in a difficult position.

It would be in your best interests, just to take note of what she said but then extrapolate all the possible scenarios so that you actually, ultimately get what you want.

Congratulations @Lemonsqueez, exciting times ahead.

eta; missed word

HewasH2O · 07/12/2025 08:13

So if everything is fine, you'll get your promotion or take out a grievance regardless, what are you worried about?

You've been given sensible advice here, but I'm not sure if we're answering the Q you thought you were asking.

Could you tell us exactly what the issue is? You seem to have given your colleague and us the impression that the bigger boys in your business will discriminate against you if you tell them tomorrow that you're having a baby next year.

TittyGajillions · 07/12/2025 08:15

Lemonsqueez · 07/12/2025 08:11

I'm mostly annoyed because I think she was also trying to possibly cover for herself. I think she is leaving the project in a month or two so if I don't tell anyone she might be better off and not have to help train my replacement. I also think the way she said it came across bitchy and made me feel bad when in reality Ive been struggling to keep up with my sickness.

You sound like you're determined to pin something on her, if you're struggling this much and crying at your desk maybe you know deep down that you aren't really ready for promotion!

HewasH2O · 07/12/2025 08:15

Lemonsqueez · 07/12/2025 08:11

I'm mostly annoyed because I think she was also trying to possibly cover for herself. I think she is leaving the project in a month or two so if I don't tell anyone she might be better off and not have to help train my replacement. I also think the way she said it came across bitchy and made me feel bad when in reality Ive been struggling to keep up with my sickness.

So we are answering a different Q about a different issue.

We don't know your colleague and her motivation. I think she was reasonable and (like us) thought you were getting twitchy about your promotion falling through.

oneinataxioneinacar · 07/12/2025 08:17

Is your health , and your baby's health, worth this level of stress?

I'd be making plans for a career shift to something more family friendly. Not for lack of ambition, but for the ambition to be to have a good career in a way that also allows me time with my family

I shifted out of the kind of environment you work in after my first child and moved to a more family friendly one - and climbed the career ladder rapidly there despite working part time

oneinataxioneinacar · 07/12/2025 08:18

Lemonsqueez · 07/12/2025 08:11

I'm mostly annoyed because I think she was also trying to possibly cover for herself. I think she is leaving the project in a month or two so if I don't tell anyone she might be better off and not have to help train my replacement. I also think the way she said it came across bitchy and made me feel bad when in reality Ive been struggling to keep up with my sickness.

Well if you don't trust her motivation just ignore her advice.

Cerialkiller · 07/12/2025 08:18

The thing is, if you keep it quiet, it will become obvious to everyone even before they have been told officially. Any discrimination then can't be blamed on you being pregnant because they haven't been 'told' yet. 'she was pregnant?! Oh my goodness she didn't say anything!!'

Better to tell everyone now, that way any medical issues are covered and you have a clear point at which any change of behaviour can be referenced from.

Pp are being pragmatic that yes as you fear peoples behaviour might change. Yes you SHOULD be protected but it happens all the time and going through a grievance process or a court case when you are pregnant or recently post partum isn't going to be fun.

You can't just mention your protected characteristics and that fixes everything.

In don't know why people are saying to keep it quiet as that seems kind of dumb. You are already showing, it will only become more obvious in coming months so I don't know what there is to gain at this point by keeping it secret.

If you are going to be discriminated against better to do it now, early in your pregnancy when you have the energy to deal with it!

susey · 07/12/2025 08:20

Lemonsqueez · 07/12/2025 08:05

I'm really shocked by all the comments so far.pregnancy is protected characteristic and I could take employee to tribunal for any discrimination.

Yes but what if you haven't told them! They could argue it was not discrimination as you have no evidence you've told them about your pregnancy. You're not protecting yourself right now. You need to get on and tell them.

macaroonmayhem · 07/12/2025 08:21

I understand what you are saying about the promotions OP, it is similar at my job - you can get a promotion, new job title (think person, senior person, very senior person etc etc) but still be carrying on with your existing but ever increasing portfolio.

I’m going to say, tell them now and get a paper trail for everything, That way you can be certain you will be absolutely covered by discrimination legislation and have evidence to back up any claim. You don’t to give them the opportunity to say ‘oh but we didn’t know she was pregnant 🤷‍♀️’.

Alexadidzammomarryjackie · 07/12/2025 08:22

I can't really see the issue with your colleague. She's not your boss, she gave you an opinion. You are crying in work, blaming others for making you feel ill and threatening grienavces without any reason to get your knickers in such a knot. I think you just need to breathe and stop stressing yourself out.

oneinataxioneinacar · 07/12/2025 08:23

susey · 07/12/2025 08:20

Yes but what if you haven't told them! They could argue it was not discrimination as you have no evidence you've told them about your pregnancy. You're not protecting yourself right now. You need to get on and tell them.

Show quote history

Agreed. If they haven't been formally told you definitely can't argue discrimination!

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 07/12/2025 08:23

Congrats!!! 🥂

I cant comment on your best strategy for promotion (if thats what you want) you will likely be best placed to know what to do.

Colleague presumably thought they were being helpful with their advice. If you believe they have bad intentions I am not sure why you trusted them with the info before telling the business.

In terms of work i would say... go to the toilets (not your desk) to cry next time.
I've cried in there a lot for various reasons over the years so no shade....

Rightly or wrongly public crying makes some people
a.uncomfortable
b. View you differently

Cerialkiller · 07/12/2025 08:25

susey · 07/12/2025 08:20

Yes but what if you haven't told them! They could argue it was not discrimination as you have no evidence you've told them about your pregnancy. You're not protecting yourself right now. You need to get on and tell them.

Show quote history

Great minds!!!! Worth repeating though and less rambly then mine.

Glowingup · 07/12/2025 08:26

I’m also shocked by the comments, OP. This woman isn’t the OP’s workplace buddy, she’s her project director so she is someone to whom the OP reports directly even if not a line manager. She should not be giving advice like this that is a blatant admission that the company discriminates based on a protected characteristic. And it sounds like she’s doing it to protect her own interests.

OP, I am unclear though as you say you’ve already told your line manager so who is left to tell? You’ve already informed them.

ohnotthisagain2020 · 07/12/2025 08:26

She was telling you the truth, and trying to help you. "Should not happen" never wins over "Will most likely happen" in the real world.

WannabeMathematician · 07/12/2025 08:32

Isn’t there a legal point by which you have to tell them. Is that March?

While not completely the same, my husband (who will be taking 5m leave/annual leave total for our baby) also waited until after promotions to tell his bosses that I was pregnant. He was worried the amount of leave would get him sidelined and he’s in consultancy. So I don’t think your colleague’s advice is malicious just a reflection of crap working environments.

Comtesse · 07/12/2025 08:33

No she was not out of order. I work in project consulting and you keep it under your hat for as long as possible especially if there is the prospect of promotion. You are under no obligation to tell work early unless you want to. I didn’t tell my employer formally til 22 weeks for my first - got to about 18 weeks with my 2nd. Be really canny about this promotion - you cannot just trust your employer to do the right thing and a grievance after the fact will do nothing.

Thevilsdavocate · 07/12/2025 08:35

Lemonsqueez · 07/12/2025 08:11

I'm mostly annoyed because I think she was also trying to possibly cover for herself. I think she is leaving the project in a month or two so if I don't tell anyone she might be better off and not have to help train my replacement. I also think the way she said it came across bitchy and made me feel bad when in reality Ive been struggling to keep up with my sickness.

Hmmm, I wonder about this, It is possible she was just trying to support you. I wonder where you want to go with this - report her? Then it might become one of those situations where a woman who was sincerely trying to help another woman is impacted very negatively by it and then guess what? We have a situation where women stop doing that.

If she was being selfish and spiteful, make up your own mind uninfluenced by her and do what you want to do. Use this thread cathartically to get it off your chest and commend yourself for being insightful enough to spot it. I would caution you against taking it further though.

It is stories like this and where this could go, that make me take caution when helping other people at work and elsewhere. So often it comes back to bite you in the bum.

TryMee · 07/12/2025 08:38

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Sartre · 07/12/2025 08:41

Is the promotion even a good idea when you’ve admitted you’re struggling with your current workload whilst pregnant? You’re obviously also going to leave for mat leave a couple of months following the promotion which will piss people off.

susey · 07/12/2025 08:42

Cerialkiller · 07/12/2025 08:25

Great minds!!!! Worth repeating though and less rambly then mine.

Show quote history

Haha I was about to quote yours and said you worded it better @Cerialkiller

JustMyView13 · 07/12/2025 08:47

Pregnancy is a protected characteristic, but it doesn’t mean they can’t find other reasons that you aren’t ready for it if they so wish.
This person is more senior than you, and likely speaking from experience. Of course it shouldn’t be like this, but unfortunately it still is. Visit Pregnant Then Screwed and see all the stories of the women who have gone before you. Personally, I would hold off all things considered. Buy floaty tops, hold glasses of drink and tip a little out as the night progresses on evening events. You have to protect yourself imo.

JustMyView13 · 07/12/2025 08:48

Sartre · 07/12/2025 08:41

Is the promotion even a good idea when you’ve admitted you’re struggling with your current workload whilst pregnant? You’re obviously also going to leave for mat leave a couple of months following the promotion which will piss people off.

You will piss people off in life whatever you do. You should never swerve opportunities to save the feelings of others. Thats not how professional careers work.

MrsPositivity1 · 07/12/2025 08:50

My workload is too high for me to keep up

Why are you going for a promotion if you can’t cope with your current workload?