Told colleague I'm 16 weeks pregnant and asked to keep it quiet.

[Lemonsqueez]

I work in a consultancy in a male dominated industry. I told my line manager at 15 weeks pregnant as I started feeling really ill and having complications. My workload is too high for me to keep up but as I've been put forward for a promotion which will only happen in March I'm really stressed about telling work. This promotion is based on my last year of work, not going into a new role. Anyway I told my project director who is not my line manager but who I work closest with and she told me her advice was to hold off as long as reasonably possible to tell anyone as she thinks I'll get sidelined and miss opportunities. After she said this I cried at my desk and felt so anxious. I have to travel this week with the team and since this is my second pregnancy I'm really showing, I don't know what to do. Am I being unreasonable thinking she was out of line with her comment?

I’m sorry you work in an environment where hiding your pregnancy / missing out on opportunities has been normalised. It shouldn’t happen but it does. Decide what you want. There are other jobs and better supportive employers if it doesn’t work out. Their loss. Your pregnancy/ raising babies lasts only a few short years, enjoy it.

The problem is it is very hard to prove he was due to pregnancy and your direct boss knows this. They are on your side. Why are you angry at them.

Yes you could. But unless you are the only candidate up for the job you will have a tough job to prove your case. Just being pregnant won’t mean you will win if there are other viable candidates that they can demonstrate (and if they are this way inclined they will easily find ways to do this) that another candidate was simply better.

Sounds like she had your best interests at heart - ie trying to make sure you still get the promotion and don’t get sidelined. Not sure why you think that’s “out of line”. Seems to me it’s the opposite.

Ok well if you think this then ignore her comment and tell the company you are pregnant. I’m not sure what you are posting for. Your boss hasn’t damaged you. You can choose whether to tell them or not. If you think there’s an ulterior motive (which we can’t possibly know as we don’t know any of you) then you do what you think is right.

it’s impossible for us to judge as we don’t have any facts or knowledge beyond this thread

How could you ever prove you didn't get the promotion due to pregnancy though? You couldn't, so I think she was trying to be helpful re keeping your pregnancy quiet for as long as possible.

We don't know your employer or how much integrity they have. Whether they really believe in equal opportunities or pay lip service to it.

As you are suffering stress from the situation and you are feeling unwell, I personally would probably tell my employer about the pregnancy in the new year if not before. But that's a very personal decision.

Don't take it out on your friend/colleague that she gave advice you didn't like. It sounds like she was just giving the opinion of what she would try to do in your shoes but she doesn't know exactly how you feel.

She told you this to try to help you. Is this situation discriminatory and wrong? Of course. But she's trying to help you keep the promotion.

I've got a paper trail showing I've been put forward so not afraid to raise a grivance and question it if I don't get it. I can raise a grivance.
Look up pregnant and screwed. You think you'll be OK. So many, many women have experience of being discriminated against. Don't risk it.

YABU

I don’t think she was out of line at all.

She gave you her honest opinion, one that many posters in here would agree on - you don’t need to follow her advice at all.

You obviously think she’s wrong and so it’s helped you make up your mind about telling them.

You are obviously struggling with this pregnancy and you’ll likely have to tell them sooner or later anyway.

How do you know she is trying to help? She might have her own reasons, as OP has already pointed out, such as not wanting to have to deal with training a replacement. If I had a more junior colleague who was pregnant and obviously struggling, my advice would not be to tell her to shut up about it.

Because you've come to AIBU. You've been told you're BU (well, not unreasonable, it's not unreasonable to expect fair treatment, BUT you are being naive and unrealistic) and are now kicking off because people are saying YABU.

You asked!

Remember, many of the women answering here will have suffered gender discrimination due to pregnancy / childbirth / motherhood.

But if you think you know better, crack on.

If she's leaving then she can't train your replacement. Your company doesn't own her?

I was given similar advice. I posted here and talked to people and decided to ignore it, people reassured me she was overreacting and I was legally protected and I'd be fine.

I wish I'd listened to her.

OP....you're being unreasonable!

It's up to you if you want to tell your manager. If it was me I would tell them. My health is far more important.

You told your colleague who gave you her opinion. That’s it. Opinion.

my opinion is you do what you want and what you feel comfortable with. You don’t have to tell till 25 weeks unless you want to

You absolutely can.

i didn’t tell work I was pregnant with my second until 25 weeks.

floaty cardigans and folders carried in front of the bump.

Throughout my career I've had 7 managers. 2/3 of them I would not have told because it would have been reported upwards and gone against me.

The other 3rd were lovely and would have been supportive and probably kept it confidential until I officially announced.

Statistically, women are discriminated against during pregnancy. Not all employers and not all women. But a lot.

You sound incredibly naive, OP.

You chose to confide in your project director when you didn't have to, so you clearly didn't think as badly of her as you suggest in later posts. She gave you good advice that most women would already know...it's hardly a secret that pregnant women get screwed over for promotions/managed out. Why do you think organisations like 'Pregnant Then Screwed' exist?

That said, at some point your employer will find out about your pregnancy, at which point, your chances of promotion/retaining your job are at risk. It's naive to think that it'll be a doddle to take your company to a tribunal and retain your job. If you want legal protection, you need to offically tell your employer you're pregnant. Despite the law, you won't really have any protection, you'll just have to hope for the best and prepare for the worst.

I’m not entirely sure what the issue is. It’s not a promotion is it but a performance based pay rise? If you were guaranteed to get this is you weren’t pregnant then you should still get it if pregnant.

By all means collate your paper trail of the company policy about this promotion and if it’s definitely set in stone once put forward it’s happening add your proof that you’ve been but forward.

join a union now if you aren’t already in one.

I can’t see that revealing your pregnancy will jeopardise that at all but if it did for some reason - then yes a grievance could be raised but cross that bridge if you come to it.

you need to double check your companies mat policy re when your mat pay if any is calculated because they won’t do that until your mat cert from the midwife is in. You may want to ensure any bonuses you know are coming up are included so you get a higher rate of company mat pay.

i think your colleague was just looking out for you but you do need to tell them ASAP if you are stressed. They need to do a mat risk assessment to keep you safe.

They won't tell you they passed you over for promotion because you're pregnant. They'll say X was just thst bit more experienced and ready, or you didn't show you were strategic enough and need to build on that, that sort of thing. There are slways reasons they can't promote women in some work cultures, even while men who are less experienced or strategic or whatever will get promoted. Men are promoted for their potential, women for their track record. And the people deciding on the promotions probably wouldn't even recognise these patterns.

It's very difficult to prove, and it would be massively stressful at a time you particularly won't need that stress.

Well she’s right. Unfortunately that’s the reality.

I was promised a job that was a promotion and then got pregnant. I was taken quietly to one side and told not to bother applying and making it difficult for them to give someone else the job. I was told they’d deny the conversation. And that I’d have my pick of jobs when I came back if I kept quiet and didn’t kick up a fuss.

Never got to find out if they were true to their word as we were all made redundant.

Whilst this is true it would be an absolute miserable nightmare for you, especially fighting it whilst on maternity leave with 2 very young children.

I think your colleague is being helpful in telling you how things really work rather than what the law says should happen.

Shocked? Shocked by what?
Your colleague gave you well meaning, and correct, advise. If you truly believe that ‘pregnancy being a protected characteristic’ will stop them opting for somebody who can actually crack straight on with the job, rather than a year or so later, then you are naive.

Umm yes this is right. Don’t shoot the messenger, she’s not wrong.

Anyway whatever you decide to do (and agree there is some merit in informing them you are pregnant so you get the protection - but may louse up the promotion) an important thing to remember is : do NOT cry at your desk. Go to the toilet, go for a walk, sit in your car but don’t do it at your desk.

Game face on, tough it out.

Hello I did tell my line manager I also stated this. Just to clarify to everyone in all the comments I told my project t director as I'm feeling sick and struggling at work atm I never asked her for advice. She gave me zero compassion and just gave me this advice. She didn't say congratulations or anything which is why I'm irritated. Apparently I'm wrong and unreasonable for expecting people in this day and age to not screw me over for pregnancy which is protected by law.