Told colleague I'm 16 weeks pregnant and asked to keep it quiet.

[Lemonsqueez]

I work in a consultancy in a male dominated industry. I told my line manager at 15 weeks pregnant as I started feeling really ill and having complications. My workload is too high for me to keep up but as I've been put forward for a promotion which will only happen in March I'm really stressed about telling work. This promotion is based on my last year of work, not going into a new role. Anyway I told my project director who is not my line manager but who I work closest with and she told me her advice was to hold off as long as reasonably possible to tell anyone as she thinks I'll get sidelined and miss opportunities. After she said this I cried at my desk and felt so anxious. I have to travel this week with the team and since this is my second pregnancy I'm really showing, I don't know what to do. Am I being unreasonable thinking she was out of line with her comment?

Hang on - the OP says that you told your line manager at fifteen weeks - so they do know? I don’t get all the angst, therefore

I think whilst I understand it is upsetting, it is a sad reality that your colleague highlighted.

I would be careful about going down this path. To automatically raise a grievance off the back of not getting a promotion, which is not guaranteed - regardless of whether you are pregnant or not. A huge percentage of people who raise grievances are out of a job within six months, often because the stress they create for themselves means they find it untenable staying.

You are NOT protected as a pregnant person if you have not informed your line manager at work that you are . Your project director is in a slightly invidious position - knowing but not being able to say anything, including to protect you. Thought what it’s worth I think their advice is shit.

You may be showing but the number of times I’ve wondered whether someone was pregnant or not then they just turned out to be fatter or bloated for some reason. So people definitely don’t like to assume. Critically though you are feeling it and steps can be put into place to allow you not to travel, etc., which may help with what you’re feeling

Does the promotion involve the same work load or a higher work load? Pregnancy is a protected characteristic but surely its makes business sense to give promotions to people who will actually be at work for the next year? If it were me I would tell them and take the pressure off. If promotions are considered every 3 months then surely just focus on it when you return to work?

You don’t sound very resilient op. You can’t keep up with your workload, you’re crying at work, you’re angry at your colleague for giving you advice you asked for. Are you really sure this promotion is a good idea for you?

Not good advice. Go for it now if you can. It’s not a problem if you’re then on mat leave as you will be on leave from the promoted role, not the lower one. Also OP has already been put forward for it so should definitely push for it. It will likely be harder to push for it when she goes back as the employer can then find reasons not to give it to her.

Of course you can, but most of us know the last thing we want to do on maternity leave is to fight a legal battle.

IMO she isn't your manager and she gave you her opinion on women in the workplace, not her view as someone who could influence the decision. She may be totally wrong or it might be her experience in or out of that company.

If she has no responsibility or influence over your promotion, I don't think a grievance will go anywhere. Nor will it be comfortable working there if you are successful.

So even if you're right, it's discrimination, I suspect you'll win the battle but you won't win the war (settlement after a lengthy legal battle on the condition you leave).

Anyone looking to discriminate is unlikely to leave a paper trail of evidence and even if they do, and you go to court and prove it, you can't possibly think it would be tenable to keep working at that company?

I don't think your colleague was being unreasonable - she shared her opinion.

It is possible you'll get passed over for promotion this year - I've seen it happen to a man who was ready and should have got it but there were only so many places available for that promotion and someone else got it. Being pregnant could enhance your chances as they may feel they can't pass you over till the next time due to how it may look, or they may think you are not ready and it goes to someone else.
I don't think this is a tribunal case yet - you need to calm down a little - are you normally this jumpy because they way you are reacting to this problem isn't great.

I was just coming on to say this too. It doesn’t matter what this project manager has said as your line manager already knows anyway right? @Lemonsqueez you know your work culture more than anyone else here does. You say that your promotion is based on last years work etc and you think this project director said it in an underhand way. If that is the case Ofc you’re not being unreasonable to upset with her. It’s ok to be upset at feel anxious at work when you’re tired, hormonal, you mention some complications with the pregnancy and you’ve got another dc to manage at home too. It sounds like her comment maybe was the final straw if you’re already feeling overwhelmed Just ignore her - from your updates it sounds like you think she doesn’t have your best interests at heart.

From your original post it’s very difficult to know if she’s coming from a good place or not pp are saying is that it may just be that she’s trying to give you a heads up and be supportive - lots of threads on here of people being pushed out at work after returning or being passed over for promotion.

like others have said it’s unlikely you’re going to be able to keep it a secret anyway if you’re already 16 weeks (plus it’s not a secret because your LM knows) - so just do what you feel comfortable with and move on. In my experience Unsolicited advice is bloody ten a penny with all things pregnancy and babies - don’t let it get to you and focus on you. And congratulations

This ^

OP, I think your line manager was very out of line with her comments. You shouldn't be expected to hide your pregnancy for months (which isn't even realistic) in order to gain a promotion which it sounds like you may well have earned already. She might think she's being helpful but she's just reinforcing the sexism and discrimination she feels is present at your company.

Sorry this is the comment I meant to quote

Your situation sounds really challenging, so no wonder you’re feeling anxious and angry about things. However it does sound like you’re unfairly projecting that anxiety and anger onto your colleague. She gave you her opinion, you can accept or reject it, but there’s no objective reason to be offended by it.

It wasn’t the line manager who commented though, but a colleague you had a conversation with. If the comment made you anxious presumably you were already worried about coping and their reaction. Which is amplified by needing to see people in person. If LM knows, as you suggest you told them too, they have to allow for any related appointments and risk assess your role if appropriate.

I know someone who was overlooked for promotion when they found out she was pregnant and she raised a grievance. It went on for months, got quite nasty and it cast a cloud over the first 6 months of her baby's life. She won in the end, but she still left her job as the atmosphere was so bad after that. She has always said that if she could go back in time, she would have just let the job go instead. It wasn't worth the impact it had on her life at the time.

It won't just be a matter of raising a greivance and that being heard, OP. It will be months of meetings, writing reports, them fighting their corner, hearing unpleasant things they say about you, etc. And you may not even win at the end. I think your colleague gave you good advice.

You need to separate two things. You asked advice from your colleague, (who is not your line manager) and she gave you her opinion. Yabu to be mad at her.

Ywnbu to be angry with your actual manager and business culture overall, if they do discriminate against you due to pregnancy.

But it says in the OP that the colleague in question is her line manager?

Edit: I've re-read and seen it was her Project Director not her line manager. However that doesn't change the fact it was someone in a more senior role.

Wow what a comment what did I do to sound like a nightmare? You have no idea what tone she said it in and how's she's been

You're already 16 weeks, you can't physically keep your pregnancy hidden! So your colleague gave you completely impractical advice. You may want the promotion, but realistically you can't hold off from telling work officially that you're pregnant. You're already anxious, and after your colleague's comment, even more so. Your health and that of your unborn baby, is the most important here, not promotion. Tell work, and see what happens. If you don't get the promotion, then cross that bridge IF it happens.

This.

Pregnancy will mean you get passed over for roles and promotions. It’s not worth it to fight it. You’ll get a reputation.

I think you can be annoyed that the reality of equal opportunity does not match the story we are told (aren't we all), but you can't be annoyed that your colleague told you the reality as she sees it. You are free to disagree and see how it goes though.

I went through something a bit similar working in FS- I told my line manager (female) really early on but she didn't want anyone else to know so told me to keep it a secret and didn't tell our male CEO (who I was working with a lot on M&A) until I was around 20 weeks. I had to attend board meetings hiding my bump (I found flared non clingy wrap dresses helpful btw) and found the whole thing really stressful.

Anyway, despite jumping through all of my manager's crazy hoops I was still made redundant on mat leave. In hindsight I wish I had just done what was best for me regardless of my manager's wishes. So my advice is just do what's best for you because, either way, you can't really control what actions others may take.

But OP that’s not what you said in your post - I think you are drip feeding. In any case, it’s time to stop overthinking, tell them formally and as pp have pointed out, protect your position. It’s dead simple, as pp have said, you aren’t protected until you have told them. Also, kindly, if you want promotion do your best to stay on top of your job.

Luckily the laws surrounding pregnancy discrimination arose because some women weren’t prepared to just accept that they should get overlooked for getting pregnant.

This woman has been helpful in terms of directly expressing discriminatory views so if there was a grievance, it would be clear evidence that the employer does indeed discriminate.

Take all the emotion out of this. If you want to be protected you need to formally inform HR of your pregnancy. If there is clear evidence that you were definitely going to be promoted then this should obbiously still happen. You must let them know though as it sounds as though your performance is dropping, which is reasonable given that you are experiencing pregnancy complications, however they will not know that this is the reason unless you inform them.

"My colleague made a reasonable comment, am I being unreasonable?"

"But she said it in a bitchy way so I'm not unreasonable"

"But she's done other things which I haven't mentioned therefore you don't know the whole story, so I'm not being unreasonable"

🙄