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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH said I’m a loser

171 replies

Georock · 07/12/2025 06:16

I wasn’t going to post, because anything involving DH usually leaves me feeling worse, but I’m exhausted and upset and need to get this out before the DC wake up.

Yesterday I received a law-enforcement letter addressed to another woman but sent to my address. I realised later it’s linked to a small flat I rent out in Wales (it’s not worth much tbh). I have no idea who this woman is, and the council aren’t answering my calls or emails, so I’ve been really stressed trying to sort it.

I opened the letter in the morning and DH immediately started shouting at me to “sort it out”. I spent about an hour and a half on the phone to the enforcement company—got from position 11 to 2—and then the line cut out. DH then disappeared for a few hours, apparently to get DD’s laptop fixed (the one he broke last week).

While he was gone, DS (5), who’s been poorly all week, suddenly started screaming that his ear was hurting. I gave him Calpol and tried to comfort him. Our local chemist can prescribe for minor issues, but DH had taken the car and I had no way to get there. I called him 15–20 times and left messages. No answer. In the end I had to get an Uber.

The chemist helped, but when I got back home DH didn’t even ask how DS was. He was clearly drunk and started calling me a loser, saying my family are committing fraud and I’m “too thick” to notice. He claimed he “never impacts my life” and threw in other insults. Then he said my whole family are losers and I’m the biggest one. For context, I’m a secondary school teacher, but he seems to think he’s superior because he works in finance.

I ended up sleeping in the kids’ room. I feel really upset today.
I don’t know if I’m overreacting or if this is as bad as it feels. I just needed to talk to someone.

I’ve put on 4.5 stones since I married him as he makes me feel really ugly. He has taken “cialis” since his 20’s when we met. We never have sex anymore. He doesn’t even look at me. Even when I was young, skinny and pretty he wasn’t that affectionate either so nothing to do with my weight.

OP posts:
FamilyPhoto · 07/12/2025 06:18

I couldn't stay married to anyone who spoke to me with such hatred.
I assume this is just the tip of the iceburg?

Allmychickenscometoroost · 07/12/2025 06:20

Did he drive back after drinking? you said he turned up drunk.

Please leave, this man is abusing you and your children

HollyChristmas · 07/12/2025 06:22

You've thrown a few things into this , your husband's bad behaviour , the letter , your son's illness , and your weight gain . What is it you are asking / wanting advice about ?

ThatNaiceMember · 07/12/2025 06:25

HollyChristmas · 07/12/2025 06:22

You've thrown a few things into this , your husband's bad behaviour , the letter , your son's illness , and your weight gain . What is it you are asking / wanting advice about ?

I think OP just wants to talk to someone about all of it -

"I don’t know if I’m overreacting or if this is as bad as it feels. I just needed to talk to someone"

Yes OP it is that bad and I think the first response nails it. You need to leave / he needs to leave. This is toxic and awful!

Original poster
Georock · 07/12/2025 06:26

FamilyPhoto · 07/12/2025 06:18

I couldn't stay married to anyone who spoke to me with such hatred.
I assume this is just the tip of the iceburg?

I don’t want t to either. If I win the lottery tomorrow I would be out if there and not even take my belongings just leave. It’s not as easy as people make out to leave. I tried before when kids were tiny, I came back as I had zero support

OP posts:
Original poster
Georock · 07/12/2025 06:28

How exactly do people leave? I don’t have any money. Every penny goes as soon as I get paid. I have no savings and my family don’t live nearby

OP posts:
ItsDarkNow · 07/12/2025 06:28

Did he drive home drunk?

Original poster
Georock · 07/12/2025 06:28

ItsDarkNow · 07/12/2025 06:28

Did he drive home drunk?

Yes

OP posts:
thepariscrimefiles · 07/12/2025 06:29

Your husband is abusive and you need to contact a domestic abuse charity and make plans to separate and divorce.

GarlicRound · 07/12/2025 06:30

Oh, @Georock 😢 How did he break DD's laptop? Did he drive home drunk? It sounds like this stuff happens a lot - but, even if it didn't, you're describing a dead relationship. Where there's no respect there can't be any healthy version of love. You don't even have dysfunctionally passionate sex to keep it limping along.

I'm concerned that your marriage may have already undermined your confidence in thinking and acting for yourself. What support do you need to end this farce and start being yourself, for yourself and your kids?

limetrees32 · 07/12/2025 06:32

Oh sweetheart that's terrible.
I can't imagine your mindset that you need to ask if this is terrible or whether you're overreacting.
All the love in the world to you and I hope you can find a way out.

BadLad · 07/12/2025 06:33

Even if you can’t actually move out yet or get him out yet, you should start getting into the mindset that the marriage is over as you clearly hate each other. So things like never sec and his never looking at you even when you were younger no longer matter. The only important thing from now on is building a life without him. Doesn’t matter who’s at fault.

Fedupofwimps · 07/12/2025 06:33

Georock · 07/12/2025 06:28

How exactly do people leave? I don’t have any money. Every penny goes as soon as I get paid. I have no savings and my family don’t live nearby

Goes on what as soon as you get paid?
Please don't say he is in charge of the financial side of things as well.
if he works in finance and you are a teacher you should be okay financially......so where is it going?

Tangelablue · 07/12/2025 06:34

Have you spoken to H about breaking up? You both sound unhappy in this marriage but that's no excuse for him to act how he does. Reach out to your local domestic abuse charity for support around the emotional and possible financial abuse and advice on leaving. Is. Do you own the house you live in?

Original poster
Georock · 07/12/2025 06:35

@GarlicRound truthfully I think I need to have money before I leave. There’s no way if he moved out I could afford to live here the mortgage let alone anything else. We live in London and the mortgage alone is roughly my monthly salary probably more. Plus the bills, council tax and as we live in a private development we pay a separate surcharge for the upkeep etc. I would be worse off if I left. Plus his parents are really involved with the kids and I know I would lose their support if I was to leave.

OP posts:
ACynicalDad · 07/12/2025 06:37

Can you move to the flat in Wales?

ChikinLikin · 07/12/2025 06:37

You need to take the first step to ending your marriage.
He is an abuser and a law breaking drunk.
You tried before when the kids were tiny, but they are older now.

Original poster
Georock · 07/12/2025 06:38

Tangelablue · 07/12/2025 06:34

Have you spoken to H about breaking up? You both sound unhappy in this marriage but that's no excuse for him to act how he does. Reach out to your local domestic abuse charity for support around the emotional and possible financial abuse and advice on leaving. Is. Do you own the house you live in?

He doesn’t really care either way, it’s easier for him if I am here. He’s told be directly in the past he doesn’t have time to raise the kids so if I left he wouldn’t see them or try to. He does work long hours and often travels.the house is only in his name and he pays the mortgage. I could potentially have my own life if I chose to as he’s rarely ever around.

OP posts:
ChikinLikin · 07/12/2025 06:40

How long have you been married?

sittingonabeach · 07/12/2025 06:40

Your DC are growing up with this man

I assume as a teacher you see the impact that parents like him can have on children.

You need to find a way to leave, get advice from Women’s Aid (he is abusive)

Original poster
Georock · 07/12/2025 06:40

BadLad · 07/12/2025 06:33

Even if you can’t actually move out yet or get him out yet, you should start getting into the mindset that the marriage is over as you clearly hate each other. So things like never sec and his never looking at you even when you were younger no longer matter. The only important thing from now on is building a life without him. Doesn’t matter who’s at fault.

Thank you! I think that’s the advice I needed as I know I can’t heave without wrecking the kids lives. They are happy and I could never afford a life for them. What tips would you have for starting your live on my terms? I think I need to get back my self confidence so I need to lose weight and feel better. I’ve also isolated myself for too long

OP posts:
BadLad · 07/12/2025 06:41

the house is only in his name and he pays the mortgage.

You are married, right? Not just using the initials DH as shorthand for partner?

MrsPrendergast · 07/12/2025 06:42

Georock · 07/12/2025 06:28

How exactly do people leave? I don’t have any money. Every penny goes as soon as I get paid. I have no savings and my family don’t live nearby

Firstly, you have 60% or 70% of the money / property / investments / savings / pension which are related to your family

I appreciate that this isn't necessarily cash, right now, though

You've got to leave this awful man.

Don't say anything to him as yet

If I were you I'd contact a solicitor, or maybe see 2 or 3 for a free 30 minute chat, and work out what you're entitled to. You'll need to take some details of his income and pension / investments

I'd then ring women's aid and ask them what to do.

I'd also ring or visit citizens advice and get their take

Your salary needs to be paid into an account in just your name. Make sure all passports are safely locked away

If he drinks and drives again and / or is violent or aggressive towards you , call the police

Original poster
Georock · 07/12/2025 06:44

Fedupofwimps · 07/12/2025 06:33

Goes on what as soon as you get paid?
Please don't say he is in charge of the financial side of things as well.
if he works in finance and you are a teacher you should be okay financially......so where is it going?

Show quote history

my salary goes on DD’s school and activities the kids do- only swimming and piano at the moment. I cut out other activities when I went down to 4 days. we have always had separate back accounts so when I was on maternity both times I used up my savings and had to use credit cards to buy food and nappies. He has always paid the mortgage and bills and I pay household things and one child’s school fee. He’s paid for DS nursery and now school.

OP posts:
mellongoose · 07/12/2025 06:44

It feels bad because it is bad. He should never say those things to you. At the very least, he is an unkind person.

Temporarily putting aside the insults and direct abuse to you for just one moment, he refused to answer your calls about your ill son. His ill son. He is selfish. And irresponsible.

You say you have family, but not local. Can you confide in anyone wholly either on the phone or a friend locally?

PP is correct. Start making an exit plan. Let his insults wash over you now that you know this isn’t forever and a better future awaits you x

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