DH said I’m a loser

[Georock]

I wasn’t going to post, because anything involving DH usually leaves me feeling worse, but I’m exhausted and upset and need to get this out before the DC wake up.

Yesterday I received a law-enforcement letter addressed to another woman but sent to my address. I realised later it’s linked to a small flat I rent out in Wales (it’s not worth much tbh). I have no idea who this woman is, and the council aren’t answering my calls or emails, so I’ve been really stressed trying to sort it.

I opened the letter in the morning and DH immediately started shouting at me to “sort it out”. I spent about an hour and a half on the phone to the enforcement company—got from position 11 to 2—and then the line cut out. DH then disappeared for a few hours, apparently to get DD’s laptop fixed (the one he broke last week).

While he was gone, DS (5), who’s been poorly all week, suddenly started screaming that his ear was hurting. I gave him Calpol and tried to comfort him. Our local chemist can prescribe for minor issues, but DH had taken the car and I had no way to get there. I called him 15–20 times and left messages. No answer. In the end I had to get an Uber.

The chemist helped, but when I got back home DH didn’t even ask how DS was. He was clearly drunk and started calling me a loser, saying my family are committing fraud and I’m “too thick” to notice. He claimed he “never impacts my life” and threw in other insults. Then he said my whole family are losers and I’m the biggest one. For context, I’m a secondary school teacher, but he seems to think he’s superior because he works in finance.

I ended up sleeping in the kids’ room. I feel really upset today.
I don’t know if I’m overreacting or if this is as bad as it feels. I just needed to talk to someone.

I’ve put on 4.5 stones since I married him as he makes me feel really ugly. He has taken “cialis” since his 20’s when we met. We never have sex anymore. He doesn’t even look at me. Even when I was young, skinny and pretty he wasn’t that affectionate either so nothing to do with my weight.

OP if you have committed fraud in some way, the best thing is to own it and attend to it. It was the one of the first things you mentioned in your post. The fraud and then enforcement for a property in Wales and a woman you don't know ?
Have you got a mortgage and purchased the property for rental by lying or something ? We don't know.
Did your other half not know about the property in Wales ?
It strikes me you must sort this law enforcement issue out. They will not go away. And any costs ( their bill) will increase.
Whatever it is, do take some action to resolve it.

If you're in London, you don't need private schools so scrap that.

Hope you manage to leave him OP

Aa a child I went from a big fancy house to my mum leaving and living in a council flat. Did I miss the lifestyle? Probably for a while but we were fed, safe and warm and it instilled values of working hard in me. I was also better equipped for adult life, I had seen my mum be brave and independent - when my relationship wasn't working I didn't stay out of fear I chose a better independent, happy lifestyle.
Btw aside from anything else you have a partner who drink drives? Does he drive your kids anywhere? That would be a deal breaker even without the rest of his abuse

My mum stayed with an abusive man longer than she should have. It’s hard as I know she was so abused she didn’t see a way out. It affected all of us. Even now, 24 years after she left.

I am not saying it’s easy but it wil be for the best. Do you have a friend you can confide in or someone at work? You need someone in real life on your side.

I agree. I can't imagine what is the matter with the man, he's awful.

Regarding the letter, as it was addressed to someone you didn't recognise, in your place I'd have returned it to sender. It's not your problem.

If you aren’t going to leave straight away start putting effort into increasing your earnings and your career. Start building up your self confidence and putting money aside.

start snooping and find out what you can about money and assets when he’s away.

don’t rush into anything, don’t engage as much as possible. Stop telling him about your life or problems unless it relates to the children. Start to slowly build a life that doesn’t include him.

Having an engaged mum who isn't being abused and living in a peaceful home, even if it is far more humble, are much more important to your children's happiness and education than private (or grammar) schools, the expensive house and extracurriculars.

I'm sure you know that deep down. Trust it. You are going to be a more whole person and have more resources to help them with whatever changes the divorce brings when you aren't trying to live this pretend life where you try to hide how you feel from everyone. When you aren't being someone's verbal punch bag and you have more control over your household finances.

The greatest gift you could give them is modelling that should they ever end up with a partner who treats them with contempt and cruelty, their own peace, safety and happiness are important and worth leaving for.

It doesn't matter what your mother or father or siblings think they know about you or the life you are leading with this man. They don't know and maybe don't want to understand that beneath the glossy appearance, there is something rotten that will continue to harm you and your children if you don't change it.

I'm not saying it'll be easy. There's going to be upheaval and appointments and paperwork and stress and life will look different, less glossy, more real. But you are worth a home where you and your children feel safe and loved.

You can't raise children to be more whole than you are - even if you chuck money at in the form of education or clubs or houses. Because they learn more from how you live your life than what you actively try to teach them.

Don't raise them in this gilded cage thinking your private misery will serve them if you hide it well enough. Imagine them as grown ups who love their mum but can't understand why you stayed in a relationship with a dad who is cruel and selfish. You can't answer them with "because of you" or "because I didn't think you'd cope without the glossy life". That isn't a fair burden to put on them. And you can't stay and make him be something he isn't, or pretend like everything is okay. They'll know and the cognitive dissonance will cause them more stress and anxiety than living more simply would.

You're not a loser. You are smart and caring and you know - even if your family of origin don't, that what matters isn't the appearance of things.

If you aren't ready to make the decision to leave then I think your first port of call is counselling/therapy so you have a private space to talk this stuff through with someone who'll not minimise it.

If you are ready to make the decision but feel financially trapped, then getting practical advice about leaving from Women's Aid and or some of the other sources of legal/financial help other posters have mentioned.

Wishing you and your kids love and strength to get through the storm ahead.

My advice would be to mentally and emotionally detach, once you no longer see him as your DH you will feel like a weight has been lifted, think of him as a wanky housemate.
Go at your own pace.
Do contact Women's Aid even if it's just for emotional support from an expert.
You're fortunate that he's not around much, start snooping look for his P60 as a start and make a copy, plus any proof of investments and pension. The rest can be done at a later date when you can afford a forensic accountant.
Use the P60 to go online and work out how much child maintenance you would be entitled to, the figure will give you an idea of how much your income will be.
If you dont want to move to Wales, start looking online at three bed properties in the suberbs, you can sell your property in Wales for a deposit of you have to, remember that at the very least 50% of the equity in your home is yours, also get a feel for the cost of renting in the interim.
Join a women's group, or slimming club.
Knowledge is power, taking back control is power.
I promise you that if you can do this your whole demeanor will change and he will likely get suspicious.
Don't let him talk you out of the grammar school which is very likely if he likes to display his success by saying his dc go to private school, remember it's at your expense, it's also a good way of keeping you financially dependant on him.
I wish you all the very very best 💐

The point about the grammar school (the OP has applied through the common application process so it's a state one, not one of the grammars that's actually private) is that the OP's husband is unlikely to be able to point at their exam results being worse than whatever private school the child would otherwise be attending. It will therefore make it more obvious that forcing the OP to pay or contribute to school fees is part of his financial abuse.

On a practical note if not immediately separating, I'd do a fair bit of decluttering and sell stuff and put that money aside for a rainy day. It won't just help financially, but also with regaining a sense of control over your space and life. I find the Minimal Mom on youtube good with decluttering advice, and she recently got divorced and found that letting go of things helped with her self confidence and gave her more bandwidth to deal with things when life gets lifey. And I think she's right.

Another thing to do - NOW - is to take screenshots of as many details of his financial affairs as you can get hold of. Bank statements, deposit accounts, any property he holds, pension forecasts.... Do this before he gets his (few) braincells together to suspect you are thinking of leaving. When he is in bed sleeping off the drink would be a good time - I suspect this isn't the only time he has driven home drunk.

Leaving isn't easy. My DM did it with 2 DC. She was very young and really struggled to get us settled. She had a fabulous social worker who really looked after us.

You deserve to live a good life as well.

Every situation is different, but I am so glad we didn't grow up with my father.

There are so many different things going on here, and I'm so sorry that you're in this awful marriage/situation. It's not your fault, and you are not a loser.

His attitude/behaviour is disgusting and inexcusable. I am betting he wouldn't speak to colleagues/other people like that. He knows he can "get away with it" because it is you. I'd start making an exit plan (don't mention it to him). If you are able to quietly disengage, don't confide in him, grey rock him, then that might help you.

His drinking/use of meds (are the meds prescribed?) - take notes of where, when, how it affected him/his behaviour, episodes of drink-driving, episodes of abuse etc. Things like him refusing to answer/respond to when your son was ill. Build up these notes/a timeline of what happens etc. Could be useful should you need it in the future.

Likewise, try and get info on house, accounts, mortgage, pension etc. Who does the majority of childcare/parenting/admin etc. See if you can get some legal advice on where you would stand. Research if there would be any benefits you might be entitled to (if you did leave). Work out the possibility of you and DC moving to your flat - what job opps are there, what schooling is there? Do you have friends in the area? Get the info for now. Collect info for things like childcare etc (what is there available if you were to be working FT, with no help from family/H/friends?). You don't have to do anything (or leave right away) just yet, but quietly collecting info/making exit plans/disengaging from him might help you feel a bit more empowered and feel less stuck.

Do you have the opportunity to be able to do some self care to make you feel better about yourself? Be that exercise, hobbies, fitness? See if you can maybe carve up some time to do that sort of thing too. Just do anything you can to help you at the moment x

Hi OP,
Divorce Is tough on kids but being a child in a controlling abusive dynamic is far worse. My mother endured it for 17 years before the divorce. Trust me, the divorce felt like freedom for us all. And yes we went from comfortable surroundings to living on benefits- I was the eldest of 4. We moved house and changed schools. We knew no one.
Looking back - this was in the 70s and no one knew about CC- it wasn’t the poverty that affected us in the long term but the dreadful upbringing and role models both parents gave us. I’m still untangling it in my sixties…

You are strong and so are your children. With your love and support they will grow and flourish as they can’t now.

This is the reality, it’s only easy (or easier) to leave if you have money or support. I had no money but I did have my mum’s sofa. I honestly don’t know where I would have gone otherwise. My mum didn’t live nearby either but I still went. Can you go to where your family are?

Have you read all the OPs' posts? There are good reasons not to move back in with/near family. She left once before and it failed. She needs to carefully examine the reasons why.

Also she is a teacher and is likely not to be able to leave her post until Easter due to contractual notice periods; at the same time schools do not know at that point who may be leaving or retiring for September.

It sounds like a thoroughly miserable situation.

I would suggest seeing a solicitor about a divorce.

https://solicitors.lawsociety.org.uk/?_gl=131lzgk_gcl_au*OTMwMjA2Mjk3LjE3NjI5OTA4ODY.

You own a flat that you rent out?

so that’s your investment? In your name? Well that’s a massive positive

(how do you have no idea who rents your flat btw?)

My own childhood was not good - I was SA by older male relative and my parents brushed it under the carpet. They never spoke to me and my mum insinuated I led him on (I was 8!) I can’t have my kids near them, I’ve forgiven them but I know my PIL would die before anything happened to my kids.

I am speechless that you forgave this woman.
you didn’t just have a “not good” childhood OP. You had a horrific childhood. And your parents remained together. But that meant squat all to what you endured.

He’s the loser, not you.

Your posts about your children not knowing what’s going on, have really bothered me. Your children are being affected by the atmosphere at home. Just because they do not have the language to articulate it all, does not mean that they are unaffected or that they will not be affected in the future. Please do not be influenced by your daughter‘s tales of their friend crying after a divorce. And do not be guided by your children saying where they want to live.

It’s up to you as their mother to make some difficult decisions now. You need to protect them from the atmosphere at home, now and in the future.

I know you have a lot going on and you have experienced trauma yourself. But I am being very clear when I say that your children are definitely being affected by your terrible marriage. Just because they are not saying that to you, does not mean that they are not picking up on things at home and that it will not affect them in the future. Please take this seriously for their sake.

You absolutely do not know that they feel completely safe. Your poor children do not know any different and they are used to the atmosphere at home and are scared of change. That does not mean that they are feeling emotionally secure right now. Not one bit.