DH said I’m a loser

[Georock]

I wasn’t going to post, because anything involving DH usually leaves me feeling worse, but I’m exhausted and upset and need to get this out before the DC wake up.

Yesterday I received a law-enforcement letter addressed to another woman but sent to my address. I realised later it’s linked to a small flat I rent out in Wales (it’s not worth much tbh). I have no idea who this woman is, and the council aren’t answering my calls or emails, so I’ve been really stressed trying to sort it.

I opened the letter in the morning and DH immediately started shouting at me to “sort it out”. I spent about an hour and a half on the phone to the enforcement company—got from position 11 to 2—and then the line cut out. DH then disappeared for a few hours, apparently to get DD’s laptop fixed (the one he broke last week).

While he was gone, DS (5), who’s been poorly all week, suddenly started screaming that his ear was hurting. I gave him Calpol and tried to comfort him. Our local chemist can prescribe for minor issues, but DH had taken the car and I had no way to get there. I called him 15–20 times and left messages. No answer. In the end I had to get an Uber.

The chemist helped, but when I got back home DH didn’t even ask how DS was. He was clearly drunk and started calling me a loser, saying my family are committing fraud and I’m “too thick” to notice. He claimed he “never impacts my life” and threw in other insults. Then he said my whole family are losers and I’m the biggest one. For context, I’m a secondary school teacher, but he seems to think he’s superior because he works in finance.

I ended up sleeping in the kids’ room. I feel really upset today.
I don’t know if I’m overreacting or if this is as bad as it feels. I just needed to talk to someone.

I’ve put on 4.5 stones since I married him as he makes me feel really ugly. He has taken “cialis” since his 20’s when we met. We never have sex anymore. He doesn’t even look at me. Even when I was young, skinny and pretty he wasn’t that affectionate either so nothing to do with my weight.

Some things are more important than a fancy house/school/things.

Absolutely this!!

We are not well off.
We cannot afford luxury things but my child is truly happy.

Growing up in an abusive household, I vowed that I would never put my child through the same thing.

My child feels 100% safe in her own home and I wouldn’t change that for all of the money in the world.
There is no arguing, no walking around on eggshells, no anxiety of a drunk father coming home, no feelings of having to be scared, angry or protective of me.

A child’s physical and emotional wellbeing is much more important than fancy holidays and activities etc.

Divorce is hard and punishing and it can mean a couple of years of uncertainty, major stress and children responding chaotically. After that, things tend to settle down. There’s no hard and fast rule for everyone but on average that’s how it seems to go. Your kids will have nothing to compare how he treats you to so what they see is normalised and there’s a strong chance they will have maladaptive relationships of some sort when they grow up. You have a chance to model better relationships with yourself and others whilst they are still young.

i waited far too long to get out of a very similar relationship with someone of similar financial means. I am not going to minimise the challenge of divorce it is so hard with someone like that and you are going to be stuck with him in some form
due to the kids but life does get significantly better and the kids will 100% benefit from it in the long run.

You need solicitors advice which you can get free. His threats are bollocks. He won’t want divorce on top of a stressful job even if he’s loveless towards you. He does what he likes currently. The situation benefits him more than you. You will have much more financial entitlement than you assume and seeing a solicitor will give you confidence. You won’t be able to maintain the current standard of living but neither will he but that is divorce and that’s the here and now. You may well go on in your career or meet someone new with even greater means. The future hasn’t been written yet but the here and now is grim as fuck and you deserve better.

“I don’t know if I’m overreacting or if this is as bad as it feels.”

You’re not overreacting and it is that bad. I couldn’t stay married to someone who treated me like that.

Yes it is that bad. He is abusive. Start planning your exit. Confide in people close to you. You don't have to deal with this alone. We have one life - don't waste it with this horrible man. Think about the impact it is having on your children. You both deserve better. Sending you strength and love x

You don't need to ask us if it's bad. You know this already.
You're not happy with this man. He's controlling you emotionally and financially. You have a good well paid job and presumably you'll get half the house if you split (I'm assuming you are actually married). Go and see a solicitor and a women's aid centre. You absolutely will manage on your own. Yes there will be disruption and yes it'll be hard. But it'll be so so worth it, for you and DC.
Could you move nearer your parents eventually? You can do your job anywhere in the country, which is a big advantage.
Please do this, OP. I promise you won't look back with regret (other than wishing you'd left sooner).

But he doesn’t provide everything they need, you just said you pay school fees for one, you had to pay for essentials on a credit card,so he’s not paying for those. What is he actually paying for?
Personally, I’d take DD out of private school and move somewhere you can afford to live. His parents would probably help out still as they’d want to stay in contact with their GC, or move closer to your mum. It will take a while to sort out finances, but eventually you will be entitled to at least of the marital assets, including the house, his savings and pension. He’d also have to pay child maintenance.
Play nice for a bit while you build up some savings, and have a plan to leave, maybe once the youngest starts school.

From what you have written he seems abusive and also quite secure in his beliefs that everything is his and nothing is yours, effectively boxing you in. Actually it isn't and he hasn't but you need a plan. He sounds arrogant and unpleasant so tread carefully. I'm not going to say anything that others haven't probably but my advice would be to see a solicitor (in secret) begin to save, even if it's ten pounds a week. Don't talk to him about finances except circumstances when you are getting money from him. I used to say oh X needs shoes,but I have no money, can you give me the cash, he would, then I would buy cheaper shoes and keep the rest. If youre a teacher and he works late can you do a couple of hours of tutoring and keep that money? Find your cloak of teflon. He calls you fat, in your mind think very bad thoughts about him but outwardly smile and take no notice because his time of lording over you is going to end soon. Good luck OP, you aren't defined by him.

Op you are a teacher so you can apply for keyworker housing - google key worker housing, look at the different associations and see what there is. The rents are much more reasonable than market rates, and the properties usually offer part buy part rent , which can help you get out and into accomodation.

When you speak to a soilictor ask them about a forensic accountant - this is someone who will comb through all your husbands assets and discover how much and where there is. Even if your husband gave the money to charity if he is a high rate tax payer he will receive income relief that he can claim back.

you can also claim a stake for his pension (I think).

you have said your pil’s are really involved but if you divorce they wont be and your husband has said he will not be involved. No way will the pil’s let him not have contact and they would not want to not see the grandchildren. They will help and your husband will hate not looking like a saint.

Do not go asking your abuse enabling parents for advice. Nothing they have to say is helpful.

speak to a solictor. Perhaps speak to refuge/women's aid and https://survivingeconomicabuse.org/what-is-economic-abuse/ because this all sounds like different forms of control.

btw OP, my parents divorced when I was 13 and I wish they had done years before because being in that horrible toxic environment was much more damaging and when my horrible dad moved out it was instantly better. Your older daughter will have an awareness this is going on and the way you act will be a blueprint for her as to what she should expect in life.

He sounds vile. I could never put up with this, even for a short period of time. Get rid of him. He’s the loser.

I don’t think you should leave, it sounds like you are the primary caregiver for your kids. He should go, and quickly.

ETA you’re not a loser. Without knowing anything about you at all I know you’re a decent woman who has been ground down by a shitty marriage. Lose the husband and things will be hard but still better.

This Is really bad. Please get out in any way you can. You have a good career so hang on to that. Would your line manager/Head be supportive at all? Could you live near your family and find a school position there?
It’s bad he owns the house, but you also have your flat so you could in effect move there - give tenants notice now before the law changes.

Even though their sons is an abusive drink driving prick?

This.
@Georock contact Women's Aid, they will help you devise a plan to leave the home to be able to get him out of it.

I know you said you couldn't afford the mortgage by yourself but I think speak to WA, stay in the home while you get your ducks in a row whilst learning what help is available to you.

Good luck, do not fucking stay with him!!! If his parents withdraw from you and DC then they're pricks also and you're better off without the lot of them.

You might want to look up women's refuges. See if they have space for you and your children.

Otherwise I suppose your options are to extend your overdraft or complete a money transfer from a credit card so you're able to cover the deposit on a flat.

Do you own the property you live in, or are you renting? If you split up, ideally your DP would move out. But it might be easier for you to leave if he is being abusive.

What is the fraud he spoke of ?
Why don't you know the woman in the small house you rent out in Wales ?
An enforcement company have written to you about something unpaid presumably. Debt of some sort ?

I can help you OP if you want to DM me x

You don't deserve to live with someone who's so disrespectful to you and cares nothing of his child.

You know what you need to do @Georock so do it.

He has a huge problem and it's not you but equally if he is just taking it out on you and not sharing, it's not your problem.

Sending a hug. He is an AH.

I’m guessing by ‘school fees’ your kids go to private school. You’ve said you won’t be able to afford them the life they have now. But… kids would much rather have a happy life with parents who aren’t full of hatred towards each other than a private school. There is no point in a private education if ultimately they’re growing up in an unhappy home.
Opening up to somebody in real life is your first step. Telling your Dad is important I think and will help you get it off your chest.
You mention the flat in Wales, could you sell that for funds?
A previous poster mentioned creating a life for yourself which is a great idea. Could you join a fitness class? I do yoga once a week and the girls in the class know everything about me and we end up doing very poor level yoga but lots of support, laughter, nights out and new friendships.
Do one thing as a start to give you the confidence you need to get away from this depressing situation. X

This is shocking. I don't know enough about the law to know what counts as financial abuse but this certainly seems worth consulting CAB or a lawyer about. Why should only your money fund all the kids things???

He has lost his temper. We don't know how often this happens.
But he mentioned the debt. The enforcement notice. He works in finance. Will this in some way impact him and the family finances? People for example who work in banks cannot get into debt of any sort. It is a no no.
I think we need to know more about the debt situation and enforcement to help. I suspect there is something you need to act on quickly there.

At the very least get advice and support.
Divorce would be less destructive to your dc than living with an abusive drunken father. If you do your homework you’ll at least be in a better position to leave if you decide to do so.

You are young and have a good career. It will be so much easier for you to recover from this financially than it would be if you left when the kids are grown up.

Surely you’re not planning on growing old with him ?

https://www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/

womensaid.org.uk

As the flat's in Wales it's already a 6 month's notice period

Vile man you definitely need to leave their must be a way you can try and save money you can't stay their and those children don't need to see this drink driving is disgusting I would have called the police on him for that one alone let him get arrested and licence he bloody well would have deserved it

There are other options for OP than stay in the toxic situation or move back to Wales (where it sounds like another toxic environment: how can she ever sensibly seek support from a mum who allowed her to be abused as a child, a dad who thinks her abusive husband is great and two greedy sisters?). Also, while teaching is very portable, an England to Wales move isn't necessarily easy: different syllabuses, different systems, different payscales; Welsh language education etc.

She could however quite feasibly move to a flat on a train commute to the grammar, find a new teaching job for herself in the area for September and a state primary for the younger child, plus sell the Welsh property.

OP, if you are still reading, join the National Residential Landlords' Association and get advice via their helpline on your rental property.

This sounds awful OP, you know you need to leave but you haven’t got your head around how.
firstly kids are adaptable, I moved when my kids were a similar age to yours. The youngest settled in straight away, the eldest took longer she’s a sensitive girl and it was her last year of primary school. I would say it was 6 months before she was really happy and settled. Kids notice tense atmospheres, when things are difficult, shouting and upset, they’ll do better without that.
the school situation is solvable , you need to get your head around it.
You need to start thinking about what you need. Deposit for renting a flat plus a bit extra. Go and see a solicitor. Start making a plan it putting it into action until you are ready. Take back some control. If you are kind to your kids and yourself it will be ok. Good luck.