DH said I’m a loser

[Georock]

I wasn’t going to post, because anything involving DH usually leaves me feeling worse, but I’m exhausted and upset and need to get this out before the DC wake up.

Yesterday I received a law-enforcement letter addressed to another woman but sent to my address. I realised later it’s linked to a small flat I rent out in Wales (it’s not worth much tbh). I have no idea who this woman is, and the council aren’t answering my calls or emails, so I’ve been really stressed trying to sort it.

I opened the letter in the morning and DH immediately started shouting at me to “sort it out”. I spent about an hour and a half on the phone to the enforcement company—got from position 11 to 2—and then the line cut out. DH then disappeared for a few hours, apparently to get DD’s laptop fixed (the one he broke last week).

While he was gone, DS (5), who’s been poorly all week, suddenly started screaming that his ear was hurting. I gave him Calpol and tried to comfort him. Our local chemist can prescribe for minor issues, but DH had taken the car and I had no way to get there. I called him 15–20 times and left messages. No answer. In the end I had to get an Uber.

The chemist helped, but when I got back home DH didn’t even ask how DS was. He was clearly drunk and started calling me a loser, saying my family are committing fraud and I’m “too thick” to notice. He claimed he “never impacts my life” and threw in other insults. Then he said my whole family are losers and I’m the biggest one. For context, I’m a secondary school teacher, but he seems to think he’s superior because he works in finance.

I ended up sleeping in the kids’ room. I feel really upset today.
I don’t know if I’m overreacting or if this is as bad as it feels. I just needed to talk to someone.

I’ve put on 4.5 stones since I married him as he makes me feel really ugly. He has taken “cialis” since his 20’s when we met. We never have sex anymore. He doesn’t even look at me. Even when I was young, skinny and pretty he wasn’t that affectionate either so nothing to do with my weight.

If the woman rents out your flat, how do you have no idea who she is?

he drunk drives? Police

If your own daughter was going through this you would tell her to leave straight away? Keep remembering that. You might well find better support yourself once you are away from this man. You absolutely deserve better. Your daughter deserves to see that you deserve better and that no money, no house, no private school, nothing makes up for the way you are being treated. And you would not want her to grow up thinking that it does, because this already is her template for normal whether you think she sees it or not. Sorry, your childhood experience sounds awful and it is sad that you can't take advice or support from your mum on any of this.

You don’t sound ready to leave yet. Unfortunately, you are in an emotionally abusive relationship and he has made sure that your mindset is the way that it is so that you feel exactly as you do right now. He knows you won’t leave him.

Private school isn’t a necessity, get the kids in to state school. That frees up your salary. The hardest part for you and for the kids will be adjusting to a ‘normal’ life, And your DH knows this. He believes you will never leave because you’re accustomed to the lifestyle. It will be incredibly difficult but it all depends on how badly you want to allow yourself to be treated. You can survive without him financially, it will just be very different to what you are used to. It sounds like your PIL are great and I’m certain they would still help out if you were to leave. Do you have good friends around you?

OP I mean this very gently, I have been in your shoes and once told myself all the same stories that leaving would destroy my children and I’d never be able to give them the same life on my own, but it boils down to this:

Your children will be absorbing your relationship, even subconsciously. Your dd is learning that it is normal behaviour for a man to abuse his wife, and there is a high chance that she will tolerate similar behaviour from a man in future. Your DS is learning that this is how women should be treated.

Some things are more important than a fancy house/school/things.

Sorry, haven't read everything but.. would it not be better to go back to Wales in your own place? Start again? I understand it's scary but you seem to be emotionally and financially trapped. You are still a little better than some women in your position with your own property and a great career as a teacher, which of course means you can move and still be in demand.

Start making a plan, squirrel away a little money if able, sort out the person in Wales and getting your ducks in a row. Ask for help from a family member that you trust to keep quiet. Won't be able to leave tomorrow, fair enough, but in a little time. Honestly, as scary as it is, I think you'll never look back. He's a horrible man and he's supposed to be your partner, not someone who uses you as a verbal punchbag. So very sorry OP that this is what you're going through. Stay strong.

I think your school of thought is very squiff! Of course divorce isn't easy it goes with out saying! Financially your children appear to live a very privileged life atm, you worry that their standard of life with not be so good, well thats probably true! But you are totally under estermating the negative environment your children live in at the moment! Remove the money aspect and you would see the scenario completely differently!
Children of divorced parents have a really tough time at the start, adjusting, new routeen etc etc. But my God the roll model your husband is being at the moment is piss poor and your enabling it.!
The first thing I would do is get some seriously good therapy! The long term damage to the children if you stay in this abusive marriage is not going to be good. You need to protect them .

Absolutely. I was also in this situation and left my marriage when my kids were teenagers. The fancy holidays stopped, we didn't go out to eat as much anymore, no more private school but they were so relieved when I finally left and I had completely misjudged how miserable our life with their father made all of us. I also thought that they didn't know how bad it was.

Now they are young adults and neither of them have any contact with their dad, but they are thriving in life and they have been able to make good choices when it comes to who they are dating. I am not particularly worried that they will repeat my mistake as we have talked a lot about what to look out for and the importance of not being dependent on anyone else financially or for their happiness.

It is definitely possible to turn this around for OP, and it will probably be worse before it gets better, but once it's done the relief is immense.

Is it really that important for children to have this life if you are being mistreated like this?
You could also consider the future, will they think this is acceptable, that this is a normal relationship?
Why can't the kids go to state schools?
You seem to have a home, maybe move there?

Yes it is an upheaval but kids are resilient and the younger the better.
Imagine doing this with teenagers?
And you may have to, they might even choose to stay with him if you try and leave when they're teenagers is that acceptable to you?

People move cities and even countries, I promise you it's ok. You will all survive and thrive.
Like what do you think is going to happen? What are you really afraid off?

If you leave your job and you can't get to your place of work, and have no savings, then claim whatever benefits you can in the short term, this is exactly what the safety net is for.

It reply depends what you are willing to sacrifice for your peace of mind.

Imagine being age 40/50/60 and kids have grown up, they've gone to Uni and you're left with this man, and he then tells you to get out. He does some stuff to ensure you never get a penny.
You have to start over alone in middle age or even old age.
Is it still worth it?

People suggesting OP moves away, just because abusive H says he won't see the children if they separate, doesn't mean he won't legally prevent OP from moving away.

Op. First step. Go and start counselling. Your need someone to talk and offload to.

Op what would you say to a colleuge or friend in the same situation?

You tried to get away before, i think you should speak with Womens Aid.

I beg to differ. I’m nearly 50yrs old and the impact of living with fighting parents who hated each other never leaves. It’s a horrible way to children to live.

I am 55. My first memory at 4/5 was my parents arguing. All my early memories are of them arguing. I hated the atmosphere in our house.

I am still angry that my parents didn’t split up and give us some peace at home. I wish they had got divorced so I wouldn’t have had to live in that shitty unhappy atmosphere.

First of all see a lawyer.
If you go to the Rights of Women site you can find free legal advice. I contacted and saw face to face before I left my abusive ex H. They were amazing. I don’t know if they still do face to face after the pandemic. Your husband is abusive so do reach out though.

Contact Women’s Aid. I find them very helpful also. There is this perception that if the abuse is not physical, it doesn’t count. It really does count. You may be financially abused too if you have to spend all your money while he saves his.

Make use of time when your H is out or drunk to get as much information/ evidence of marital assets … salary, pension, savings, shares etc. Screenshot or get copies. Once H gets the feeling you plan to leave he may try to hide finances. Or he may escalate the abuse. So best keep quiet about leaving until you're ready.

If you divorce you are entitled to at least half of the value of all marital assets. If you have custody of your dc, you’ll probably get more.
You've taken that first step and contacted MN for help. Take the next steps as above. Find out as much as you can. Knowledge is power. You can do this.

And we all know that the only loser here is your drink driving husband !

Your abuse has required your brain so you think you can’t cope alone. You can. You should. Move in with parents, to your flat and start cranking your life. Your children will be fucked up by seeing his contempt for you.

No, she definitely should not go to Wales. Her family is not only non-supportive but they sound very emotionally unhealthy. Did you not read the bit where she said her own mother didn't help her with being SA'd?

@Georock play the long game. Use the resources you have available right now. Use the grandparents to take time off, get legal advice, build friendships, look after your health. Then, when you feel better, stronger and stable and ready..then leave.

I understand what ypu are saying about money ans security but you are also not pooling money as a family either

Stop paying all your money you earn on family stuff. Your DC school fees are a family expense not your expense. You are basically selling yourself short here. I bet you he's saving money and you are not! Remember it's all joint assets, the house etc. So you are entitled to half and if he gives it all to charity then he will have less to live on too! As PP said use this time to identify where the assets are, can you note down the sending address on the back of envelopes for example. If he's employed and PAYE then that is easy. Does he get bonuses? Can you identify what they may be? Do some sleuthing at least

Do you think the reason why your relationship is breaking down is because of the amount of money going out. Have you and your husband ever sat down and worked out what's coming in and out? It doesn't sound sustainable and you both are struggling financially.

Remember you're a teacher your children will not thank you later if their upbringing continues to be chaotic. You have to take responsibility for this mess as well it's not all on your dh he sounds fucked and stressed. Driving home drunk is not what normal happy adults do open your eyes.

I think DD change of school is an opportunity. If she gets a grammar school place, take it. You can explain to ‘D’H that you’ve calculated you won’t be able to afford secondary private fees as these will rise more than your salary will. If he wants DD to remain in the private system, he will have to pick up the fees( or at least half). Do you know how much he earns? I suspect he has way more left after his known outgoings than you do (which enables him to control you as you can’t save up to leave).
You do need to plan to leave though. He sounds like a terrible role model for your children.

He sounds awful. You deserve better and so do your children. LTB

Your children living in this household will have a greater impact on them, particularly their mental health as adults, then them experiencing their parents separating.

This is going to be quite a miserable life for you and your kids if you keep making excuses to keep them and you in it.

OP, don’t underestimate the damage this is doing to your children. They 100% have noticed.

My dad abused my mum in a similar way, lots of verbal insults, cold silences, general bullying behaviour. We were constantly treading on eggshells. Your kids will be too. They just don’t realise it yet because it’s become their normal. It became my normal and that’s why I ended up with an abuser. It’s a cycle. You need to break the cycle.
Don’t ask the dc’s on their opinion on moving out. Just do what is best for them. You're their mum. They’ll thank you later.

I called him 15–20 times and left messages.

You called him 15-20 times! That’s insane!!

And then he drove drunk!! And was talking to you like shit!

You both detest each other.

This relationship is awful and your poor kids are the ones suffering here.

You own your own flat, you could easily move out.
You are choosing not to leave for your own benefit, not the kids.
Please do not use them as the excuse as to why you’re staying as they are the ones that bear the brunt of dysfunctional relationships.

OP, could you look for a job in a boarding school that does accommodation? There aren't that many left that offer accommodation to all staff, but they do still exist. You could sell your flat to pay for the part of the fees you would pay for your DC.

I thought the same but after you have left it’s liberating ! Contact women’s aid and start making an exit plan. If you were able to leave before you would have. But now is not impossible although it feels it, you can start to put a plan in place.