DH said I’m a loser

[Georock]

I wasn’t going to post, because anything involving DH usually leaves me feeling worse, but I’m exhausted and upset and need to get this out before the DC wake up.

Yesterday I received a law-enforcement letter addressed to another woman but sent to my address. I realised later it’s linked to a small flat I rent out in Wales (it’s not worth much tbh). I have no idea who this woman is, and the council aren’t answering my calls or emails, so I’ve been really stressed trying to sort it.

I opened the letter in the morning and DH immediately started shouting at me to “sort it out”. I spent about an hour and a half on the phone to the enforcement company—got from position 11 to 2—and then the line cut out. DH then disappeared for a few hours, apparently to get DD’s laptop fixed (the one he broke last week).

While he was gone, DS (5), who’s been poorly all week, suddenly started screaming that his ear was hurting. I gave him Calpol and tried to comfort him. Our local chemist can prescribe for minor issues, but DH had taken the car and I had no way to get there. I called him 15–20 times and left messages. No answer. In the end I had to get an Uber.

The chemist helped, but when I got back home DH didn’t even ask how DS was. He was clearly drunk and started calling me a loser, saying my family are committing fraud and I’m “too thick” to notice. He claimed he “never impacts my life” and threw in other insults. Then he said my whole family are losers and I’m the biggest one. For context, I’m a secondary school teacher, but he seems to think he’s superior because he works in finance.

I ended up sleeping in the kids’ room. I feel really upset today.
I don’t know if I’m overreacting or if this is as bad as it feels. I just needed to talk to someone.

I’ve put on 4.5 stones since I married him as he makes me feel really ugly. He has taken “cialis” since his 20’s when we met. We never have sex anymore. He doesn’t even look at me. Even when I was young, skinny and pretty he wasn’t that affectionate either so nothing to do with my weight.

@Olive72 yes the flat is in my name. Same lady has lived there since I had it but the name and reference in the council tax letter are different. I believe it’s an admin error as my home address is linked to this account. My mum is going there on Monday to sort out as she lives nearby. Kids are 10 and 5. Tbh the kids don’t notice anything. If I think back to my childhood I can’t really recall times when my parents fought and I’m sure they did! He’s never physically abusive and it’s not all the times as he’s hardly there. The kids do love him. I once asked DD how she would feel if us 3 moved out near my parents. She was really upset and says she wouldn’t like it so the kids feel safe I know they do.

He's abusing you and abuse only escalates. Won’t be long before he starts treating your children the same way he treats you. As it is, they’re already being abused because they are witnesses to your abuse.

Please get advice. There’s different numbers, there’s online chats too, and whatever you do, cover your tracks- delete your history, don’t let on to him that you’re seeking help. Make sure you know where everything is too: passports, birth certificates, prescription medication for you and your children, payslips, deeds to the home you live in assuming you own it (including co own). Make sure you take all this with you when you leave. It’s not the end of the world if you don’t but it makes things a bit easier. Try to make copies of his payslips too (child support purposes),

It is possible to leave it just takes some planning to do it safely.

I am a complete stranger and can point out exactly what your husband is doing.....abusive men are inherently lazy and follow 'the script' to the letter.

I assume it is much harder to 'see' when you are living it 💐

I actually believe divorce isn't good for children and have put up with a lot of things in my own marriage that I wouldn't have done if we didn't have children (no abuse) and very often think people throw the towel in over trivialities, in your case though I think you should have walked a long time ago.

You are trapping yourself believing you (singular) need to provide the same lifestyle for the children that they have now. You don't, see my comment about getting half in the divorce! Your children are still so young, they won't really remember this part of their lives if you split soon. The longer you stay the more they will remember.

Wishing you luck x

If you’re married it’s irrelevant that the house is in his name only, however your house in Wales would also be considered his too.
You need some advice from Women’s Refuge here.
https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk

OP I think it is a good idea to get some therapy and work on yojr self estemm first. There is no rush to leave him as you should never have married him in the first place (you said he was never affectionate towards you). There is a reasom you chose to ignore the red flags. Work on you, see a solicitor to work out what your finances could look like in the event of a divorce, and then decide what you want to do.

In my opinion, your in an abusive relationship, its mentally which means it has a massive impact on your life, your well-being and your mid set . I understand the impact leaving will have on your life and how hard it is to leave but surely you cant continue to live and feel this way and surely your children arnt happy with how their father makes their mother feel, as assuming he speaks this way in front of your children. Leaving is the hardest part and this is where abused woman make all the excuses to stay because its easier. Iv been here twice unfortunately, my first full long term relationship was physically and mentally abusive, I was 16 when i got with him and he was 22 nearly 23 and I had 4 kids to him, he told me all the time I was ugly and fat, I was 58kg and actually very beautiful so I knew that was lies but he got me pregnant over and over again and told me no one would want me with these baggages , saying that about his own kids. The only thing he wasnt abusive with was providing and finances and I had access to a lot of money and credit cards. I used this access to hide money, find a rental and put down a deposit and when we left for work in his truck as he drove interstate and was gone for months at a time, I used this time to leave and when he returned we were gone. I got work and created an amazing life for my kids, until I met another man who was a narcissist and from the very start he moved in and went into control mode. A few times he would shove me or push me and he did this a few times with my kids In my arms. I did the same thing to him as I did to the first and waited until he disappeared , id assume staying with the woman he was having an affair with and I packed up our stuff, hired a truck and took off 5hrs away in the dead of night and never looked back.

Speak to a divorce lawyer.

If you own a house you’ll get your share of that. You also own a flat.

You’ll get maintenance for your daughter if he does not claim 50/50 custody’. Start exploring options.

They really don't need to go to private schools. You are a teacher and can keep an eye on their education wherever they are. If you dropped the idea that that makes a big difference it would give you much more freedom. And they could be happier in another life. You and they don't know yet because they have never known anything else. If you have faith and a plan in what you can create for you all it will be better.

I don't think your mum is right about you being able to have an amazing life. There's too much resentment and there is no way you can turn it round on your own. Even if both of you were invested in change it sounds like too much has been said and done.

Please talk to Women's Aid or similar to see if you can envisage a road through. Nothing to ou do has to be binding, just information and a listening ear for now .

But the kids lives are getting wrecked now, so don't delay things because of thinking it will happen in the future. Their home doesn't sound nice or safe.

Leave. What can your family offer help with?
Can you move into your flat?
Can you start a separate bank account (if you haven't one already) and online only one? Maybe contact women's aid to advise on the practical stuff

Actually no maybe, you need to contact them. Get advice. Talk all of this through.

Speak to your boss, maybe they can be supportive, time off (that husband doesn't know about) to sort things out in the background.

This wouldn't be a problem for you though as you have said he will be too busy to have the kids. You will have 100% custody, the starting point if you are married is splitting assets 50/50 and he will need to provide child maintenance. Your kids will sense the tension in the house and will certainly hear the not nice things being said. You do not need to set yourself on fire to keep everyone else warm. Good luck

The kids do notice. My kids noticed but they were so used to it that it became normal to them and their main concern was getting by. I was adamant they had no idea at all, it broke my heart when I realised how they’d been affected by it all. My eldest was about your daughter’s age at the time we left. She’s an adult now and in a really good place. But there’s been times I was scared that what she’d been through (when she was younger with her dad and after we left due to contact with him) and wouldn’t be.

When you asked your child about how they’d feel if it was just you 3, a big part of her negative reaction was the fear of change. Children do adapt but it is scary and upsetting. I ended up in refuge with my kids and it really wasn’t a bad place at all but it wasn’t home, they didn’t have all their things with them: toys and their own bedding, their own rooms etc. that actually upset them more than not having their father around. It upset me too.

What I’m saying is, please don’t let your daughter’s reaction put you off doing what needs to be done, which is leaving this monster. It is going to be hard but the hardest of times will be worth a future of a safe, happier home. And you deserve that and so do your children.

You’ve made a massive assumption about the OP’s dad, ContyCont
My take on what she said about her dad liking him is that her OH knows how to keep his dark side hidden in front of him and that on the face things it looks as though his daughter and grandchildren are living a good life
I find it hard to believe that if he knew the truth about the way he was treating his daughter he would still think he was the best thing since slice bread.
I’m so sorry the OP finds herself in the situation she does but I have no advice as to how she should go about leaving other than to seek expert advice before she does anything.

Had this been me I would've reported the drink driving- its obviously too late now. But if it had been done at the time you might have had a chance of him being arrested, then I would have been preparing for a divorce pronto. He sounds vile.

You have been given lots of great advice in reply to your post.
The way I see it, which may sound harsh, is you accept the shit circumstances that you find yourself in and make the best of it, which I could not do. OR accept that to be happier yourself your life will have to dramatically change. No private schools, no big house no PIL support.
I am a teacher, have four grown kids but brought them all up alone. ALL bright, well adjusted,went to uni, got good jobs. It can be done, wasn't always easy, but I am honestly one of the happiest ppl I know. No savings, don't own my own home, live a modest life. BUT answer to no one. Bliss.💕

Your husband is financially abusing you @Georock . I think you need to see a solicitor in secret. First priority is registering your interest in the family home with the Land Registry.

Once that is sorted, I would stop paying the school fees and direct the school to your husband. You need to then put that income into savings.

As your DD is coming up to a school transition anyway, I would consider state school options and see whether any of her classmates are moving to nearby state schools/academies.

Also, don't dismiss moving back where your parents live because of what DD says. Children don't have sufficient insight to make decisions like that.

I think you’ve made it clear you won’t leave, at least not yet and maybe not until the children are grown up.
But you can gather evidence, bank statements etc and see a solicitor. I’d open a bank account he doesn’t know about and squirrel money away, pay increments, whatever you can.
Build your own life if you can, look after yourself, eat healthily, do a bit of exercise, even small things will help. It’ll make you feel better about yourself.
I’d sleep separately in your shoes, if you can- ‘I get awful cramps in bed, don’t want to disturb you’ whatever it takes. Prioritise your peaceful moments.

Could you move to your little flat in Wales.
Anywhere to get away.

Op, you’re not over reacting. As a mum and a teacher you are Wonder Woman but to me you are being abused. I think you know this but need to hear it. Is there any one in real life you can talk to? You need a plan to deal with this and get yourself free. All the best x

I'm really sorry to say this OP, because I do appreciate how hard it is- I've done it myself. But you're making excuses about why staying in an abusive and dysfunctional marriage is good for your children. Of course, divorce isn't great for the kids- it brings with it a world of mixed feelings and chaos, and divorce should be avoided in circumstances where parents are fond of one another, love one another but have grown apart. That's not what's happening here.

I was in your position. My husband was the earner and pulled all the strings. I didn't want my kids to have split loyalties, two homes, any of that. But what made the decision for me was that this was my children's relationship model. I was teaching them what marriage should be, and it was bad. I kept thinking about my children being in a relationship like mine, and I just couldn't do it to them.

When we left, we had no money. It was a big, big step down in living standards. But we adjusted, and gradually things got better. It was like a weight had lifted from us all.

I agree with pp, an abusive domestic situation is never good for children. You either end up with them as similar victims or as abusers themselves- is this really the role model for relationships that you want them to see? Better that they see you leave and be single and strong than beaten down and abused in this way. Your family setup is wealthy but you are poor!
He makes all the decisions, he doesn’t care if you are happy, in fact he chooses to make you unhappy and unsafe, and by so doing he also makes his children unsafe.

they can’t answer your questions because they have no real understanding of what the questions mean, and also people will seek familiarity (even when that’s toxic) because it feels safe. Unsafe feels safe.

your mum is wrong. I imagine your family of origin had a similar setup, or some way in which you have reproduced the atmosphere? It happens, it happened to me- not to look at, but the dynamics between me and my abusive ex mirrored what I’d grown up with in terms of atmosphere and control.

give these a call: www.rightsofwomen.org.uk

they aRe brilliant, free, qualified legal advice. Good luck.

I have been looking at state schools for DD and she passed a grammar school but barely over pass mark. I have - without him knowing - applied for the local state schools and grammar on the CAF which I did in October. In March I find out if she’s got a place. I could start putting aside money once she leaves her current school.

I am really torn - I know what people are saying about kids being raised in unhappy homes but also I know the impact divorce has on kids too. I’ve seen it many times in my work and with friends who are going through it. It isn’t always easy. I know if my own daughter was going through this I would tell her to leave right away! But she would have me and her brother and I would be there for her but I don’t have this support. My own childhood was not good - I was SA by older male relative and my parents brushed it under the carpet. They never spoke to me and my mum insinuated I led him on (I was 8!) I can’t have my kids near them, I’ve forgiven them but I know my PIL would die before anything happened to my kids.

Another thing I forgot to say, screenshots. Screenshot any messages where he’s said abusive things: name calling, financial, threats (don’t have to be violent), all of it. Anything where he mentions driving drunk or implies he did that or any other risky behaviour.

It’s not the greatest feeling going back through messages like that as you can imagine. Save them to a separate album in your phone, name it something uninteresting.

It sounds to me like you do have choices and have money but it’s tied up in paying for school fees which could be utilised to build and new life in a new area where perhaps you didn’t need to pay extortionate school fees? You also have a flat? Could this be sold or moved in to?

I would argue that my children currently have a better quality of life living with just me in our home than your kids who are growing up watching the way there Dad speaks to there mum which will be doing far more damage in the long run. I would leave asap in your position. Move to somewhere cheaper and start again, he would have to pay child support too plus you have your flat that you could sell.

Ah so I was right, your feelings were invalidated by your mum to keep the peace!

@Georock i am so sorry

but your PiL have raised an abusive man too, so I cannot imagine they are perfect. And furthermore, you can’t live for them. You can leave and provide access for them to the children , if they chose to cut the kids off out of rage at you then they’re no better than anyone else in this scenario. You could be the one to break the generational cycles here and give your children an alternative.