DH said I’m a loser

[Georock]

I wasn’t going to post, because anything involving DH usually leaves me feeling worse, but I’m exhausted and upset and need to get this out before the DC wake up.

Yesterday I received a law-enforcement letter addressed to another woman but sent to my address. I realised later it’s linked to a small flat I rent out in Wales (it’s not worth much tbh). I have no idea who this woman is, and the council aren’t answering my calls or emails, so I’ve been really stressed trying to sort it.

I opened the letter in the morning and DH immediately started shouting at me to “sort it out”. I spent about an hour and a half on the phone to the enforcement company—got from position 11 to 2—and then the line cut out. DH then disappeared for a few hours, apparently to get DD’s laptop fixed (the one he broke last week).

While he was gone, DS (5), who’s been poorly all week, suddenly started screaming that his ear was hurting. I gave him Calpol and tried to comfort him. Our local chemist can prescribe for minor issues, but DH had taken the car and I had no way to get there. I called him 15–20 times and left messages. No answer. In the end I had to get an Uber.

The chemist helped, but when I got back home DH didn’t even ask how DS was. He was clearly drunk and started calling me a loser, saying my family are committing fraud and I’m “too thick” to notice. He claimed he “never impacts my life” and threw in other insults. Then he said my whole family are losers and I’m the biggest one. For context, I’m a secondary school teacher, but he seems to think he’s superior because he works in finance.

I ended up sleeping in the kids’ room. I feel really upset today.
I don’t know if I’m overreacting or if this is as bad as it feels. I just needed to talk to someone.

I’ve put on 4.5 stones since I married him as he makes me feel really ugly. He has taken “cialis” since his 20’s when we met. We never have sex anymore. He doesn’t even look at me. Even when I was young, skinny and pretty he wasn’t that affectionate either so nothing to do with my weight.

This. The fact you had to use your savings to buy nappies etc when on maternity is alarming. Seriously, look for a job in another school and away from London, get you kids in state school in that area. Get away from him. Kids do notice, they might not mention it but they notice. The fact that he is calling you a loser is a big wake up call to you too, he sounds like he doesn’t even like you. Seriously if he’s so good at earning why the hell isn’t he paying the kids school fees? I’d start trying to find out his finances and go get advice from a solicitor etc.

You start by living for yourself and putting yourself first. Hobbies, see friends , get close to people at work (if any of them are nice/friendly),go out.Bring some fun into your life. Separate bedrooms would be ideal. Make your room your sanctuary. Don’t depend or rely on him , but don’t consider him in your decisions either.

During all this though it’s essential that you get a handle on finances and assets and gather as much information as you can. Try and save any money you can and look at options.

@Georock your training will have taught you there are various forms of abuse, it doesn’t have to be physical. Your DH is emotionally, financially and verbally abusing you, he is a drunk driver and he broke your DD’s laptop so assume he has violent tendencies too. I ask you again what would you do if a child came to you on Monday morning and told you a version of what has happened in your household? This could be your DD talking to her teacher on Monday

Children do remember, my dad died when I was young but the only memory I have of him is him screaming and shouting at my mum as she was going to work and making her cry. I was 4.

Your children will notice everything going on.

Don't let them think this is how women should be treated.

Yes life will be different for you all but over time it will be better to not live in an abusive home.

For children to have been raised in divorced families, there were already sufficient problems to trigger that divorce anyway.

OP, you said your family are a good distance away - are they supportive? Could you and the kids spend Christmas with them and while there, start planning your next steps?

I know you say the kids are happy but as they get older, despite money and provision, they absolutely will know if mum and dad aren’t happy and that makes for an unhappy, stressful childhood.

It feels utterly impossible at the moment but perhaps you’re trying to tackle everything all at once. Don’t worry about weight or money right now, just take the first step, confide in your family if you can and take it from there. Your weight/health are likely just symptoms of your far greater unhappy marriage and will resolve once you take the first steps.

Children absolutely notice. Even if you think they don't, they do.
I ended up with a series of horrible relationships including one much older man who trafficked me.
My sister married a man who is almost identical to our drunk father.
One of my brothers has treated every girlfriend he's ever had horribly badly.
My parents will tell you till they're blue in the face that we didn't notice and we had a great childhood.

Next time, the minute he walks in, call the police and have him arrested. Then divorce him.

You are in an abusive relationship. Nobody should be so cruel and hurtful in this manner but this is your husband. A selfish, nasty arsehole. Your self esteem must be at rock bottom and I really feel for you. The local authority have a duty of care in instances of domestic abuse and you have a child who shouldn't be subjected to this either (as in hear the insults). You need to speak to someone who can further advise you. Look at the LA website, it might come under homelessness. Women's Aid can advise too. Good luck, you can't stay with him under these circumstances.

Your life and by extension your kids lives will be ten times better if you escape this abuse. It doesn't matter that it's not physical. It looks to me like both financial abuse and emotional abuse.

Get information if you think you can access it and then go and see a solicitor. A good one. They will have dealt with this sort of case a million times and will know how to find the information if it doesn't appear immediately.

Next time he drives drunk (as I expect there will be a next time, unfortunately) report him to police. Get it on record. You might save someone's life!

Leave. You might be entitled to some extra help, like you'd get a discount on council tax but you may be entitled to other things, you can check online.
Your grocery bill would be slashed. You would get child maintenance from him.
The first few months would be difficult, sure, but you'd figure it out after a while.
You might need to give up some luxuries and things will obviously be different but you will be calmer and happier.
Don't waste your life with this person. He shouldn't get to take your happiness and this isn't good for your kids either.
Do you want to wake up in another 10, 20 years still stuck with this horrible asshole?

Good luck x

And move into or sell the Wales flat!!!

You have grounds to take back the flat from the renter if you leave as you will otherwise be homeless.

How are your finances arranged now?

It sounds as if you just need a plan.

I think your view of divorce is clouding things for you. I don't know any kids with divorced parents who are suffering because of it, mine included. Sure, it might hurt a little during the first adjustment period but they quickly get used to it and it becomes their new normal. I know you think that your kids don't realise that they live in an emotionally abusive home, but of course they will eventually. A 10 year old or a 5 year old might not be able ot identify what that looks like but if you stay you are telling them that their dad's behaviour is fine and they will grow up to either distance themselves from the both of you to live stable lives or they will find spouses who treats them the same as your H is treating you or they themselves will become the tyrant.

It is not possible to raise happy and well-rounded individuals in a home like yours. Forget about private schools and other expensive things and focus on their mental well-being instead. It will pay off.

Obviously divorce can be hard on the kids and unsettling, but them growing up with this behaviour as "normal" is surely far worse for them? Your daughter is being taught that this is what she should expect and tolerate and your son is being taught that this is how he should treat his future partner, OR they are both being taught this is how they should be treated or how they should treat others.

Your weight has nothing to do with his behaviour. I got married 35 years ago when I was 7.5 stone and I'm now 12 stone. My husband is lovely.

Also a teacher.

Coercive control has been a crime since 2015. Women's Aid list some of the features as:

Depriving you of basic needs, such as food
Depriving you access to support services, such as medical services
Repeatedly putting you down, such as saying you’re worthless
Humiliating, degrading or dehumanising you
Controlling your finances
Making threats or intimidating you

Drink driving is also a crime.

As a teacher, you have access to the Education Support Line. It's free and confidential. It could be a helpful starting point if going down the DV route seems a bit overwhelming right now. But when the time is right, Women's Aid could be useful.

You don't deserve this. You didn't deserve what happened to you as a kid either. I suspect you might need therapy to be able to work your way through a bunch of stuff.

@Georock does he drink drive with DC in the car?

@Georock your H is horribly abusive. No question about it. I've been there too and I think you (and I) just became blind to the real consequences for the children of living with an abuser. My family were on ex's side and doubled down on this when I left him. Please ignore posters insisting your family will step up and help you. It's is terrifying when you are conditioned to living with an abuser, to act outside of the abuse and make your own decisions. I'm so sorry you experienced CSA as a child and were blamed for it by your family.

I think you already know what you need to do and I'm so pleased you have already started to plan around schools and sorting out your finances. Please please quietly seek expert help and legal advice from a specialist organisation that knows about domestic abuse. This needs careful planning. If possible, seek evidence (copies) of financial assets. You will get away from this monster and your children will be happier in the long term,though things may be very difficult in the short term. No one should live like this. Not you. Not your children. It's incredibly damaging and destructive. You have a thread now. You need to think about where else you can find support. I really wish you all the very best. You have started planning your journey to a better life for yourself and your children 💐

Totally different solution but as you are a teacher can you find a job in a boarding school that comes with accommodation? It might give you a practical solution.

He is emotionally and financially abusive and probably controlling as well. Have you spoken to a domestic abuse charity? Also look up what benefits you would be eligible to, it might be more than you think.

You might want to try ringing Money Advice Plus too, they are experts in economic abuse and could give you specific advice about how to prepare to leave, what documents you need etc

Oh dear OP, this is a sorry situation.

I know what you mean about children being more focused on material things, sticking with the familiar etc and your PIL sound important in their lives.

However!

1. It's our job as parents to think long term and if one parent has checked out, as your H clearly has, that's on you.
2. They are certainly at some level absorbing some very toxic paternalistic ideas about relationships. It will affect their future relationships.
3. Of course they love their dad and are excited to see him. His presence is rare and they are aware at some level that his love is conditional and can be withdrawn. Your PIL presumably speak very positively about him. But if they could cease all support if you left him then they're not actually very nice people.
4. Not all men who work in finance are horrible, but there are certainly aspects of that line of work that bring out the worst in some. No doubt your H picked you because you were young, impressionable, and nice.
5. Your awful childhood and grasping relations have made you vulnerable to abuse.
6. It is mad that you are paying school fees on a teacher's salary while being married to someone probably earning 6 figures. Quite mad.
7. You are highly employable as a teacher and you could sell the Wales flat to give you a deposit on somewhere new. I bet students commute a distance to that grammar. Find out where from. It was very brave of you to apply for those schools.
8. As a pp suggested, contact the Education Support Partnership and tell them you are suffering financial and emotional abuse.

From one teacher to another: you can do this! A lot will change with your eldest moving to secondary. Use the inevitable huge row next spring to get things moving!

There are some fantastic responses here OP. Some really great people with some amazing suggestions and support. Remember it’s harder to stay than to leave but for your own sake you need to make a new life for yourself and DC. Remember you only get one life and it first fast.

You are making things far too complicated.

You have a property. You have a job that fits with school hours. Having support I’m afraid doesn’t matter at this stage. You need to get away from this horrible man, make a life elsewhere. You will make friends and develop and new support network. Plenty of single parents start off without a support network.

17 years ago I left DH when DC were 2 & 3. We lived 200 miles from family. I was a SAHM and DH had a career. I had a tiny property that I rented out (lived in it as a single person before I met DH).

I moved in to the tiny property. Had to claim benefits but they didn’t come through for 6 weeks. I really struggled at this time but as soon as youngest DS started school I got a part time job. You already have a job that fits with school hours so you’re sorted there.

Your weight doesn’t matter for now. Your kids won’t suffer. Seeing your DH being such a spiteful arse will damage them.

Needlenardlenoo

Lovely post. Positive and kind. This would give me something to grab hold of.

You need to speak with shelter and women's head who will both help you to leave. You said him and his parents wouldn't bother with the kids if you split, so ask your family if you can stay with them whilst you save for a deposit for your own place. You don't need to stay in London once you split.
Just go, love a better and happier life with your kids. They will also be picking up on comments made, atmosphere at home. It's not good for them either

@Georock Ignore everyone right now who say you must leave. You are not ready and not in immediate danger so its ok.

I left a similar relationship, but only after a long time and careful planning. The high after divorce is amazing and real, but in the long term being a single mum is tough. Also going through a difficult divorce is not for the faint hearted.

From what he has said to you, it sounds like he will make sure you will get no share of the property and getting him to pay maintenance will be a pain. Either way it will be a struggle. He is abusive. Good thing is he is not interested in sex, so youre safe in that way.

His words will only hurt if you allow them. He can call you fat, lazy, bad mom whatever. Let him. They're only words. Say you agree. Then the words loose their impact.

Milk this situation financially and support-wise as much as you can. Make sure he pays for a few more things. Use the grandparents for childcare. And build yourself and your own life up using that structure. Dont worry about being attractive or in other relationships. Use your energy on you. So that when its the right time you can leave.