DH said I’m a loser

[Georock]

I wasn’t going to post, because anything involving DH usually leaves me feeling worse, but I’m exhausted and upset and need to get this out before the DC wake up.

Yesterday I received a law-enforcement letter addressed to another woman but sent to my address. I realised later it’s linked to a small flat I rent out in Wales (it’s not worth much tbh). I have no idea who this woman is, and the council aren’t answering my calls or emails, so I’ve been really stressed trying to sort it.

I opened the letter in the morning and DH immediately started shouting at me to “sort it out”. I spent about an hour and a half on the phone to the enforcement company—got from position 11 to 2—and then the line cut out. DH then disappeared for a few hours, apparently to get DD’s laptop fixed (the one he broke last week).

While he was gone, DS (5), who’s been poorly all week, suddenly started screaming that his ear was hurting. I gave him Calpol and tried to comfort him. Our local chemist can prescribe for minor issues, but DH had taken the car and I had no way to get there. I called him 15–20 times and left messages. No answer. In the end I had to get an Uber.

The chemist helped, but when I got back home DH didn’t even ask how DS was. He was clearly drunk and started calling me a loser, saying my family are committing fraud and I’m “too thick” to notice. He claimed he “never impacts my life” and threw in other insults. Then he said my whole family are losers and I’m the biggest one. For context, I’m a secondary school teacher, but he seems to think he’s superior because he works in finance.

I ended up sleeping in the kids’ room. I feel really upset today.
I don’t know if I’m overreacting or if this is as bad as it feels. I just needed to talk to someone.

I’ve put on 4.5 stones since I married him as he makes me feel really ugly. He has taken “cialis” since his 20’s when we met. We never have sex anymore. He doesn’t even look at me. Even when I was young, skinny and pretty he wasn’t that affectionate either so nothing to do with my weight.

You need to get away from this abusive man. You aren’t responsible for the mortgage as it’s in his name. You can find somewhere more affordable for you and the kids. Good riddance to him. He doesn’t deserve you and he certainly doesn’t deserve his beautiful children whom he ‘doesn’t have time’ for. Prick.

He could’ve killed somebody driving drunk.

Call the national domestic abuse helpline for advice. There will be a way out for you.

As a teacher if one of your students told you their dad had driven home drunk, had broken their laptop and was verbally abusive to their mum, what would you do?

@mellongoose i can’t really confide in anyone. My 2 sisters have kind of burnt their bridges and I can’t have them back in my life. There’s a whole thread a could write on that. We still talk but very superficial and I don’t confide anymore. Reasons: They tried to get him to finance their lifestyles as they know he has money and every conversation used to be “well he can afford it”. They’ve called us selfish for not helping their kids and when one BIL lost his job they asked me to ask DH to invest in his new business venture! They are not aware we have separate accounts so they just think I live a life of luxury and they are upset I don’t share this imaginary life with them. The times I have tried to talk to them they make fun of me and say “let me get my violin”.

my mum understand a little more but he’s got my dad wrapped around his finger. My dad thinks he’s amazing.

How exactly do people leave?
I quietly saved up an escape fund. It took me a year to save a deposit, to find a job in my home area, to find a child minder I trusted and ds was happy with near the office, and to rent a one bed flat.

Then I walked away. It was the right thing to do, but the next few years were hard. I had zero support.

You have inflexible teacher-hours, and with two dcs, you will need help. If you moved job to be near your parents would they help? Or can you get a job in the same primary school that your dcs attend?

Raising your dcs in a house with an abuse drunk will damage them long term. He's damaging you long term. Take your time but make a plan. Can you sell the flat and use that money for a deposit and to hire a nanny for a couple of years?

And I'd deal with the law enforcement letter by sending a recorded delivery letter stating that the person named is not known at that address, and that you as the landlord have no knowledge of her.

Good luck OP

your kids are not happy with him as their father. Do you want your daughter to think that this is ok and find a man like him? Or for your little boy to think that this is how he should treat his future partner? Please leave. You can recover money by asking for cash back at the till and save it. Add on extra things you and the kids might need for when you leave and squirrel them away.

Call Women's Aid, they're amazing. I was in one of their refuges a few years ago.
Don't let your children think this is normal. My mother did and it's honestly fucked us all up for life.

Please read and reread that back to yourself.

You had to use a credit card for food and nappies? Dear god, the man is a complete fuckwit.

Leaving him will be hard but staying with this man for the rest of your life will be far harder.

Can you have a conversation with your parents about what is really going on? You need some legal advice and get your ‘ducks in a row’. You are in an abusive relationship and don’t kid yourself that your children are not aware.

Can you sell or move into the flat in Wales?

Would you qualify for universal credit?

Your mum understands a bit because your dad is probably like this. That's why your dad thinks he's great... Do you want to continue the family tradition with your son and potentially a future daughter in law??

Oh, and of course he pays the mortgage and bills - I bet he had to have the huge fancy house befitting a man of his higher earnings?
If you think to when you moved was it you that really loved the house or was it him?

If you are married (not just calling him DH on here) you'll get half of everything in a divorce anyway.....a decent lawyer will look at his accounts, pensions, equity in the property etc. It will be tricky for a while but you would probably be better off divorced!

I’m astonished that you can pay even one child’s school fees on a teacher’s salary. That aside OP you should see a solicitor who will advise you on your rights as a wife. There’s such a thing as matrimonial assets, it doesn’t necessarily matter that the house is in his name. If you split he would have to pay to support his children.

You’d be better off on your own if you’re able to relocate, really.

It’s not easy, but when it happened to me (only one child though) after trying to power through in a city, I relocated to a small town where everything is within easy access. It wasn’t easy to adapt as I prefer cities and found it quite lonely, but I do think it made our lives a lot easier.

Im really sorry you’re having a tough time.
could your DH comments re not being involved with children if you weren’t together be a veiled threat not to leave ? Is Him going out getting drunk a common behaviour ? Sounds unpredictable and frightening .
this aside focusing on building up your own confidence spending time doing something you enjoy ; lots of free stuff such as park run which people do get involved with their DC’s

I have tried in the past but mums reaction is I will regret it as she’s seen what divorce does. She said I have a perfect life and like for example the letter yesterday she thinks I didn’t have to show him. She thinks I could have the most amazing life if I just understand what he’s like and adapt. In regards to the kids I think people credit kids too much - they are at this age inherently selfish. They don’t care how happy divorce will make me they will only care how different their lives will become. Right now he provides everything they need but I cannot give them the same life.

There are two kids in my DD class whose parents have separated. One girl is DD’s friend and DD says herself how much the girl cries as she lives 3 days with dad then 4 days with mum. She’s very unhappy. So divorce is not easy on kids.

He drove home drunk and yet he called you a loser?!
Honestly, he sounds vile. I know it’s easy to say LTB but he’s going to influence your children’s behaviour and views on life. I think you should ring women’s aid for advice.

I’d start by changing your mindset to one where you accept the marriage is over and you work on regaining confidence in yourself. Then book an appointment with a solicitor to find out what your financial position is, it sounds to me like you may well be better off financially divorced, but in a smaller house than you are right now. You may need to do some snooping if he doesn’t tell you what his income is, it would be good to know plus pensions and investments. It’s going to be tough in the short term, but better for you and better for your dc in the long term.

That’s why I have nothing left really. He has had to top up the balance quite a few times if I’m being honest. It’s going to get worse once she’s in senior school. That’s why leaving him would mean I could never give the kids the life they currently have.

That’s the other thing he knows ways around this and has hinted he will sell off or give his assets to charity if I leave as he’s not giving me a penny. Can solicitors find ways around this? I’ve heard of his uncle doing something similar when he got divorced and didn’t give his wife any settlement as there was nothing left. I don’t know the details.

I actually hated the house still do! His words were - “my money, my decision”

I am so sorry you are going through this. My ex from many years ago was verbally abusive so I understand partly. If you don’t mind can I ask a few questions to get things into perspective?
Do you own the flat in Wales in your name? If so why wouldn’t you know the woman who lives there?
How often does your DH travel for work?
How old are your DC?
Do your DC witness this abusive behaviour?
How do you react when he is being vile?

Can you move back to your family for support or to your flat in Wales. The kids don't need private school, especially when they are so young. Secondary teachers are in demand. I would be looking to move away to your family. He sounds like a bastard.

You don't have a support network anyway.

He is not a support.

Look for teaching posts in other areas of the country. The cost of living difference vs London salay uplift will be favourable.

Children don't need private school and fancy houses; they need home to be emotionally safe.

you asked how people leave. I was like you couldn’t see a way out. I just stopped engaging, took kids out/away on a weekend spent evens in the bedroom and was asleep before he came to bed. I got lucky exh decided to go stay with his parents to “teach me a lesson” i changed the locks, told him it was over and promptly bought him out the house.

But u say he won’t leave, are you married? If yes you are entitled to half profit in the house and half his pension (and he yours)
Firstly you need to save some money, try to cut back in some way or create an added expense and save, you also say you own a flat in wales? Can you and kids move there? Or sell it? . Then find somewhere to live/rent? See if you would be entitled to any benefits/look on line to see what maintenance you would be entitled to. If saving is taking too long could you move in with your parents for a bit? Have you considered discreetly filming him when he’s calling your family losers. Pretty sure your dad would go off him then.
You say you don’t have support but you don’t have support with him either and what you have is abuse making everything harder. I’m going to be honest after you split it gets a bit worse. But once it settles and everyone gets use to it , it is so much better.