Stepdaughter’s bedroom at Christmas

[Balletbabe]

My 14 year old stepdaughter has an en-suite bedroom at our house which she uses maybe two or three nights a month.. This room is sacrosanct and DH won’t entertain conversations about it.

Essentially she will not allow my mother to use it over Christmas even if she isn’t here.

My sister is with her in-laws.

We either put my daughter in with our youngest two, or bring baby back in with us. Either of these solutions would potentially lead to sleep regression for both the younger kids. Or we travel for just under an hour to my mother’s, taking kids away from their presents and she will then feel the need to host us.

We still have no idea if stepdaughter is even going to be here.

All DH will say is he wouldn’t want anyone in his room either and he is willing to collect her after presents and she could get Uber back.

Yabu. It’s her room, she shouldn’t have to have someone she’s not even related to sleep in her bed. Move your own children, it’s their granny.

No she isn't. Keep saying that she is says a lot about you, but it doesn't make this little girl a "spoilt madam" for wanting to have her own protected space in her Dad's home, just like her step siblings do.

2 or 3 nights a month is not half the time is it? She is rarely there so does not get to dictate. It's not like she is being asked to give up her room regularly is it? Just for Christmas is not a big deal

Exactly. Do we know of a child who hasn't compromised like this? Plus, it doesn't affect her at all. She'll be in her bedroom in her main residence.

Crazy. My family always squashed and squeezed into each other's houses, with rooms being used by all as well as blowup beds.. I can understand her not wanting your mum in her room, I suppose, but then I think you and DH go into her room if she's not there and give your bed to your mum. The room simply can't sit free for Christmas imo!! Unreasonable.

Do all their rooms have ensuites? If not it makes much more sense for madam to give up her room.

Also they OBVIOUSLY use their rooms all the time whereas the step daughter uses her a couple of times a MONTH.

It's ridiculous for her not to give up her room

Poor kid already has to live between two houses. Of course she wants to have a little bit of control over her own space, rather than come back to a bed and bathroom that some lady she probably doesn’t feel particularly close to has slept and shat in.

She hasn't agreed to come yet, so it's all moot.

My grandparents aunts and uncles had my parents room. My parents had mine and I bunked in with my brothers. Didn't bother us as children because we enjoyed seeing relatives. Once we had an aunt and uncle with five children. Their children all slept in the dining room.

You sound incredibly rude and ignorant as to how a 14 year old who barely ever sees her dad may feel about being kicked out of her room, when her step-siblings get to stay put.

I really hope you don't have any step-children.

It's HER room.

Of course she shouldn't be made to feel like it's the guest room and free to be used by guests as and when OP feels like it.

OP needs to realise that she doesn't have a guest room, and so shouldn't be inviting guests unless she's prepared to give up her own room.

Quite.

You’re being ridiculous. Your mother lives an hour away. She doesn’t need to stay over for so long and nor should she stay over for so long when she only lives an hour away.

Did your husband own this house before you came into the picture?

Exactly. It’s also ridiculous to have someone stay for at least 3 nights when they live an hour away.

Why shouldn't her mum stay over at Christmas? Isn't that what a lot of people do?

I always hated giving up my bedroom for my grandparents. We weren't close at all and it always felt very intrusive. I can only imagine it's worse when it's step mums mum.
Just move one of the ones that are too little to know any different. Pick your battles.

OH so now it might be the masters house. How very Victorian of you.

Not when they live an hour away and staying over involves kicking their step-granddaughter out of their bedroom

Really, stop calling this poor girl a madam! Your tone oozes with spitefulness and a complete lack of empathy.

Ensuite is neither here nor there. OP's mum could go back to her own home an hour away if she wants a private bathroom.

Ridiculous. When my granny came to stay at Christmas one of us would be turfed out and told to share with the other. No discussion, no debate. It’s called being part of a family and mucking in.

Your DH is absolutely at fault for pandering to this.

First of all work out the arrangements for Xmas . If dsd will be there then obviously the room isn’t free - if she won’t be then of course your mother can use it that’s common sense ! If you have a room empty then it won’t affect dsd !

They're not "kicking her out". She's staying in her other bedroom in her main residence.

I grew up in a big family, I didn’t have my own room until I left home and my Gran slept in my bed every other weekend when she stayed and I slept on a blow up mattress in with two of my siblings when she did.

This concept of sacrosanct teenage space didn’t exist when I was growing up. It is insane to have an empty bed and not use it over Christmas.

I agree. Plus it's really important for young people to understand about compromise.

RIDICULOUS! Especially if the room isn’t in use. My own ds is sharing his room (with my mum) this Xmas because it’s bigger so more guests can stay. People in my house have always had to juggle rooms at Christmas so that the family can share the day together. But it’s so unreasonable to move all the little ones around when your stepdaughter won’t even be there! Your dh has to think of all of his children, and not just focus on his guilt towards his eldest..

Before anyone says, no, I’m not a step mum. But my eldest is the stepchild and I know how it feels sometimes. You worry about any potential of them being left out, to the point that it sometimes clouds your judgement on practical situations. But at the end of the day, even if she were living there full time, she may have to move room at Christmas as that’s just what it’s like when you’re trying to fit everyone in. At this point she’s just getting special treatment for no logical reason.

No - OP says "We still have no idea if stepdaughter is even going to be here".