Stepdaughter’s bedroom at Christmas

[Balletbabe]

My 14 year old stepdaughter has an en-suite bedroom at our house which she uses maybe two or three nights a month.. This room is sacrosanct and DH won’t entertain conversations about it.

Essentially she will not allow my mother to use it over Christmas even if she isn’t here.

My sister is with her in-laws.

We either put my daughter in with our youngest two, or bring baby back in with us. Either of these solutions would potentially lead to sleep regression for both the younger kids. Or we travel for just under an hour to my mother’s, taking kids away from their presents and she will then feel the need to host us.

We still have no idea if stepdaughter is even going to be here.

All DH will say is he wouldn’t want anyone in his room either and he is willing to collect her after presents and she could get Uber back.

Then why aren't OP's actual children having to make any compromises for their grandma - why is it all down to the step-daughter?

She is 14, so hardly a little girl.

I am of the opinion this isn't a happy and united home. If it was, another family member occupying an otherwise empty room, wouldn't be an issue.

If the DSD plans to be there is one scenario where the OP needs to rejig her own sleeping set up. But if the step daughter isn't going to be there, I find it extraordinary that the whole household needs to be disrupted, while an en-suite bedroom remains empty.

Logic must apply. My own dds would give up their rooms without question for any guests of ours. It is a space, not an organ.

Right. I understood that she only stayed there on occasion, and not at Christmas. Maybe the OP could clarify.

So is ops own 14 dd a “spoilt little madam” for not offering up her room?

Interestingly PP never came back to answer that 🤔

Yes. I agree.

Sounds like on this you are a practical "any beds a bed" person and your partner and maybe step daughter are emotional/identity "my bed is my place in the home" person.

Get 3 year old a proper single bed, will need it in a year or 2 anyway. Then your mum can sleep in there. 3 year old can share with stepdaughter as you said SD would be ok with that. Move toddler bed into there for over Christmas and then get rid of it. SD is I presume funny about someone sleeping in her bed. But if DD3 sleeps in toddler bed in her room wouod that be fine even if SD not there?

Stepdaughter hasn't decided her plans yet for Xmas, if its even her choice. Maybe her mum is being indecisive. Seems unlikely she won't want to see her dad or siblings at all over the period.

If plans change or she wants to come at short notice (which she should be totally entitled to do) then where do you plan to put her? That's the main question.

A lot of people are missing the sensitivity of step family dynamics here. Having your own Gran to stay in your room when you have the comfort of a secure family home and parents who are together is completely different to the dynamic of a child feeling like they are “lesser-than” in one of the homes they live in and being asked if someone they are not even related to can stay in their room instead of them. This will likely have made her feel even more like the “disposable child”.

I can absolutely imagine this from my daughter’s perspective. She’s only at her dad’s place a couple of times a month, and she has taken a while to settle there. Her room is where she spends most of her time (her dad is often busy with other stuff) and it’s her safe space. I can imagine she might feel very uncomfortable with the idea of her dad’s partner’s mum, who she barely knows, sleeping in her safe space for a few days.

Given that the stepdaughter has her own bedroom and ensuite it was likely she had this room before the OP ever moved in.

The OP doesn’t get to turf someone out of their bedroom.

It's not her granny.

I hated being displaced by my grandparents. It’s ridiculous that the OP wants her mother in her step daughter’s bedroom. Where would the stepdaughter sleep??

Added to which, according to the OP’s other thread whinging about her SD…. She doesn’t know the woman hardly at all as has always been consistent that she has no interest in getting to know her step mother’s extended family, which is fair enough

But the siblings don’t have their own protected space at Christmas do they?

Her siblings would be having to move out of their rooms to accommodate grandma because their older sister doesn’t want her empty room used.

Your logic is nonsensical. I’m not judging the girl because she’s a teen and still learning about life, but it is an entitled attitude to have if not corrected gently with good parenting and taught with real life examples, such as this, to be gracious towards others and compromise. Her room isn’t being carted out to guests every weekend, it’s a one off for Christmas to ensure everyone has space. She’s only young so I’m not surprised that she doesn’t want her room used, but as an adult you would be expected to compromise and share to accommodate others - this is an example of where she learns this if her dad wasn’t such a wet wipe.

granny is related to the siblings

Not the teen SD

Move the baby. There is bound to be a bit of disruption over Xmas if you want your mum to stay for 3 days, and sleep will be affected temporarily. That's normal and probably happens every day if you have a sensitive sleeper.

SD's room is not a spare room and she may well be using it - maybe she doesn't want to decide yet and leave her options open. She isn't there much and I think it's important that she feels she can come whenever she wants.

Precisely. This isn't the same as having your favourite aunt Sophie or Granny Jean staying over.

From your previous thread in February -

My partner announced at the weekend…that he and our eldest child together who is three and never been away from me, were ‘popping’ to his mother’s over Easter with his eldest child. This leaves me with my daughter from my marriage and our breastfed baby at home over the holiday for four days.

My stepdaughter does not want my daughter present when she is there. She feels that my daughter gets in the way of her relationship with the others.

We are not ‘blended’ Step-daughter doesn’t want to blend.

My daughter won’t be welcome , that’s why we can’t go. She is seen by my stepdaughter as an obstacle. She has verbalised this. In-laws, I think agree with this.

The Wales trip was not her (step-daughter’s mother) idea or step-daughter’s but my partner’s. He agrees with Step-daughter and wants his kids to have a bond.

My sister invited my stepdaughter to be a bridesmaid at her wedding, I can honestly say stepdaughter looked at her as if she was a Martian and politely refused to even go to the wedding. She was 10 years old.

My partner sees her on his own all the time. Up until she went away to school he had dinner with her and occasionally our eldest child once a week. He would collect her from a class once a week and she would come to us where she has an en-suite bedroom (she has never actually lived full time in the house) a couple of times a month.

Partner is always kind to my daughter.

He is completely ok with the two girls having separate families.

He couldn’t care less about his daughter being included in my sister’s wedding nor is he in the least perturbed when his family don’t include my daughter. He would object if anyone was rude but no one ever has.

My partner has no problem whatsoever in operating a kind of two separate family thing.

He doesn’t see why I have a problem when his brother launches an event stepdaughter and cousins are given sashes and jobs to do and my daughter isn’t invited.

He doesn’t see I have a problem when his family celebrate his niece’s birthday a week after my daughter’s they ask how she celebrated hers while we all sing happy birthday to his niece.

The suggestion that my daughter shares a bathroom with my stepdaughter made me laugh. £62 grand he is spending on an extension rather than allow that to happen.

Plus the comments in this thread too of course.

How about marriage counselling and/or divorce? It seems you are the brood mare, step daughter is the heir, your youngest two are the ‘spares’ and your oldest daughter is the one everyone has to tolerate because she won’t do the decent thing and find somewhere else to live.

For her sake, sort this out. You are allowing her to be harmed by this, it will affect her deeply.

Edited to add - did you have another thread too, something about your step daughter had done much better in exams or school reports or something similar, and your oldest has very mild sen? A few months ago?

And?

Her siblings would be having to move out of their rooms to accommodate grandma because their older sister doesn’t want her empty room used.

Yes - because it's THEIR grandma. It's not the 14yo step-daughters' grandma.

Sleep regression its maybe for 2 nights at the most
have strong words with your DH and get princess step daught to muck in its 2025

Are you being deliberately obtuse or do you genuinely not see the difference between your biological grandma and some random woman you're not related to?

I can imagine she might feel very uncomfortable with the idea of her dad’s partner’s mum, who she barely knows, sleeping in her safe space for a few days

My dds are secure enough to give up their 'safe space' to an elderly lady.

What is with this safe space language anyway!?

I am baffled by this whole thread. A room is empty. An elderly lady is staying.

But in MN world, lets buy new beds, put blow ups in the dining room, move babies back in with parents etc etc. As long as the safe space remains AKA empty room, stays empty🙄

It’s absolutely insane to be doing all of this fannying around with musical beds and blow up beds if there is an en suite room sat there empty. If she’s there then it would of course be different although even then I think I’d be inclined to make her share with her siblings and give your mother the room. Because she’s an adult.

Of course because you are a stepparent people will tie themselves in knots telling you how unreasonable you are to expect basic manners from your stepchild and dh. But it really is one of those situations where it seems like common sense needs to prevail.