Stepdaughter’s bedroom at Christmas

[Balletbabe]

My 14 year old stepdaughter has an en-suite bedroom at our house which she uses maybe two or three nights a month.. This room is sacrosanct and DH won’t entertain conversations about it.

Essentially she will not allow my mother to use it over Christmas even if she isn’t here.

My sister is with her in-laws.

We either put my daughter in with our youngest two, or bring baby back in with us. Either of these solutions would potentially lead to sleep regression for both the younger kids. Or we travel for just under an hour to my mother’s, taking kids away from their presents and she will then feel the need to host us.

We still have no idea if stepdaughter is even going to be here.

All DH will say is he wouldn’t want anyone in his room either and he is willing to collect her after presents and she could get Uber back.

Has DSD actually said she is not coming at all over the whole Xmas period?

It is dependent on the health of one of DSD’s grandparents so it’s not known just yet.

It's unclear whether the SD got an existing room or a purpose built one but from the OP's other thread we know the father spent 62k on an extension to ensure the SD had her own bedroom and en suite. OP is obviously well aware that this was his intention and that the room is not available as a guest room however much she wishes otherwise.

The daughter has never technically lived there, as she spends most of her time at boarding school with the holidays split between her parents.

In her last thread OP said he spent £62k in order to ensure his daughter got her own bedroom and bathroom. Whether that was the room he had built or not, he made sure that she was provided with her own exclusive space. Not a space that was ever intended to be used as a guest room. OP has been fully aware of this from the beginning, just as she was and is fully aware that trying to commandeer it for her mother would only cause problems.

Why is his daughters room off limits, but her eldest daughters room is not? When his daughter may not even be there? I don't know how old the mother is, but I'm guessing ar least 60. My father's 63 and would be getting the kids bed if it was empty.

Because it’s his house and his daughter. If OP wants her own daughter to have an exclusive space that no one can touch then that is something she needs to provide.

What you would do is irrelevant. He isn’t you, and OP’s mother is not getting his daughter’s room.

The daughter has never technically lived there, as she spends most of her time at boarding school with the holidays split between her parents.

I am mostly in agreement with you on this thread but I do think DSD lives in her dad's house and also lives with her mum. I wouldn't see school as a place where she lives, even if she is boarding.

ETA partly because I would assume the school is at liberty to move rooms around for the boarders if e.g. more girls leave or join and they have to rejig!

Oh, I think she would be classed as living there too. I got the impression from OP, and I may be wrong, that she doesn’t think the stepdaughter lives there because she’s not there full time (whereas OP and her children do).

Is it not their house? I've read most of the thread and haven't seen her say it's just his house.

Yes I'm aware of that. Are you on the spectrum? I'm clearly given an example of whats reasonable. Are you aware this is on the AIBU section? He's unreasonable, the kids aren't treated equally and he's making the daughter entitled.

Not everyone agrees with you, and to ask those who disagree if they are on the spectrum is... yikes.

No, it’s his. They’re not actually married, either. OP has previous threads.

Yes I'm aware of that. Are you on the spectrum? I'm clearly given an example of whats reasonable.

Just the electromagnetic one, as a gamma ray. IMO what’s reasonable is for OP to stop picking fights over a room when it’s been well established that she isn’t going to win. She, and even the entirety of mumsnet, can think him unreasonable as much as they collectively like, it won’t change the fact that OP can either suck it up, or leave. She doesn’t want to leave though, so… 🤷🏻‍♀️

The husband, as far as we know, has not made any comment at all regarding the OP's daughter giving up her room. His suggestion is that he pays for an Uber to take the MIL home.

I haven't asked those who disagree with me, ive asked someone who has taken my comment quite literally. It's a relevant question.

I don't care who agrees with me. 60 million people agreed with Hitler, doesn't make it right.

This is incredibly rude. Why are you assuming someone must be "on the spectrum" if they disagree with you?

As has been said over and over ad nauseum, it doesn't matter what you or I or anyone else would do. The SD's bedroom is not available as a guest room. There is no debate or discussion to be had. The OP can, effectively, like it or lump it. Feel free to think it is unreasonable to your heart's content. The OP can do likewise. But the husband isn't going to change his mind and she knows this.

Op has stated the options that are on the table and only mentioned one room being off limits, you don't have to be a genius to work out he's only got a problem with his own daughters room being used and not hers.

Are we really at Godwin's Law point already?

By the same token, it doesn't matter how many people agree with the OP. It won't change the facts.

Well, to my mind that's fair enough. He doesn't seem to have any objection to what she does to accommodate her mother as long as his daughter's room is left alone. And besides which, it's the OP's daughter's grandmother anyway.

It doesn't matter how much it enrages OP or how hard you agree with her. He's not changing his mind. That room is his daughter's space, end of story.

I don't consider blatant favouritism as "fair enough" and treating family like an inconvenience, what skin off the daughters nose would it be if she wasn't there and someone used her bed.

I don't agree it's enraged op at all. She's remained calm and polite throughout the thread including when trolls have tried to point the finger.

Doesn't matter how hard you agree with the husband, doesn't make it OK. Yes the room is his daughters space, but it's in the family home, that she uses for a couple of days a month. If they continue to disagree on it, it literally isn't the end of the story. Something still needs to be worked out.

It is the end of the story. The husband has been extremely clear that this is not up for negotiation. It's his house, he paid for the extension so that his daughter could have this space. He doesn't want her to have to give it up if she doesn't want to. And again, we don't even know that the SD won't be there over Christmas.

It isn't blatant favouritism to make sure that his daughter has her own dedicated space within his home. The OP's daughter also has her own space, and she gets to live there all the time while the SD does not.

There are other options available to the OP but she wants this bedroom. She pushes and pushes for things she knows aren't up for grabs because she does resent her SD. It is clear she resents that the SD won't be her daughter's BFF and won't blend the families in the way the OP wants.

She always describes the SD as polite and kind and civil, but then sits back and lets the wolves of Mumsnet tear the poor girl to pieces.

If the OP doesn't like the situation she is in, it's within her power to leave and change it.

Good heavens, I didn't have 'Godwin's Law' on the bingo card for today!

(Also: 60 million people? Cite your source.)

Again, as OP stated (in her first post, no less) and I restated upthread, DH has said he wouldn’t want anyone in his room either and he is willing to collect her after presents and she could get Uber back.

So you don't have to be a genius to work out DH's solution, which is not the one you have stated.

Go on, have another shot.

Basic common sense but some very overly invested posters on this thread have a clear agenda and are relentlessly just shouting people down. Not surprised op hasn’t come back.

You've come back a fair few times yourself...

It's a thread that's taken on a life of its own - sometimes that happens.

Since I assume I am one of the posters accused of having an agenda I'm going to respond. I have no agenda other than telling the OP that there is no point continuing to have this argument. How long do you think she should continue pushing this particular rock up the hill?

Her husband, if he is her husband, won't change his mind. He appears to be extremely intransigent on anything concerning his daughter. The OP is just upsetting herself and causing unnecessary drama by refusing to accept this.

The SD doesn't want to blend families the way the OP wants and neither does the husband. Again, this won't change.

Railing against it is not helping the OP. To my mind she could have a happy and very comfortable life, as could all three of her children, if she could accept that all she will get from her SD is friendliness and civility and that her husband is never going to expect more of his daughter than this.

The bedroom is clearly a particular bugbear of the OP's. She seemed annoyed that her husband built the extension in the first place. But since he did and since she knows why, she's only further annoying herself by trying to intrude upon the space she knows is her SD's.

All she has to do is tolerate this for another handful of years and the situation will resolve itself. If she can't do that then her relationship may end up in real trouble.

It’s fine we can await the instalment after Christmas where either op is mad her mother did not stay at all, op is mad her partner still kept the bedroom empty so she slept elsewhere where, op is mad the dsd was visiting so couldn’t use the room either.

Where yet again her partner stands his ground and sticks by what his always said and the op continues to fume about it.