Would this be rude?

[Christmas20]

I am going to a family takeaway night tonight with my partner’s family. It’s my first one with them.

They want to order Chinese, which is fine for me because I do eat Chinese food, but I have a couple of issues.

Firstly, I am vegetarian and the place they want to order from doesn’t have a great deal of options for me to choose from. Secondly - and of course I would never voice this to them or make a scene out of it - I have quite bad emetophobia and because of that, I am quite fussy about where I eat from and checking food hygiene ratings etc. The place they want to eat from has a 3 rating and quite a lot of bad reviews about the food being off. I would be panicking the whole time whilst eating and for the next couple of days that the food was going to make me unwell because of this. I am in therapy for this issue but it’s not a quick magical fix.

Would it be rude for me to order my own food (and pay for my own food of course!) from a different place up the road that firstly, has a lot more vegetarian options and secondly, a 5 hygiene rating and excellent 5 star reviews.

I would obviously use the reasoning of there being more options for me to choose from because of being a vegetarian.

People are weird. I would much much much rather you felt comfortable and would be perfectly fine with you saying “there aren’t many vegetarian options so I’ll order from somewhere different”.

If the stomach issues you have are a bit delicate (like you don’t want to discuss them in front of everyone) have your partner mention it to his parents “she’s got a bit of a sensitive stomach so some things don’t really agree with her so it’s better if she orders from the other place”.

A bit different but I’m coeliac and DH’s family orders from a specific place on Boxing Day, it’s like a family tradition. The restaurant claims to do gluten free but I’ve had a reaction from there before and just don't want to risk it - especially at someone else's house! If we’re there for Boxing Day, they buy me a gf alternative (some sort of oven pizza or ready meal thing) that can be heated up in the oven for me to have (obviously I offer to get this myself but they turn that down).

Maybe it’s because I’m used to being a bit difficult with food (because coeliac can be hard to cater for so I’ll often offer to bring something myself for me to eat) but I would never think anything negative about someone choosing to eat something different.

I would dip out of this thread op and talk to your boyfriend and his family. People are taking umbridge just because they can and coming up with silly what-ifs. I imagine the family are way more chill than any of the uptight replies here. I personally wouldn't have a problem with you ordering elsewhere especially seen as you're a vegetarian and it's on the same road. Better to communicate in real life than second guess yourself on aibu.

I'd mention it to your DP, using more the limited choice reason.

If you were coming to my house the very fact that you'd be sat there uncomfortable eating a meal that you didn’t really want/enjoy would be enough for me to understand why you'd like to do as you're suggesting.

Firstly

Your DP needs to text the host a reminder that you’re vegetarian and to ensure veggie dishes are ordered.

This means you don’t have to mention it on your arrival as a reminder at all.

Eat before you go just in case not enough veggie dishes are ordered.

Have a lovely time

No it’s not rude and even if it was, you’re setting your stall out for future ‘food interactions’ where they need to respect your preferences. I’m veggie and very particular about take away food. And that’s without any of the other issues. Be bold and own your space op, if they react like dicks then at least you’ve learned something about them.

I wouldn't care at all op. People on here are very anti 'fussy eaters'. It's barely an inconvenience to get a meal from a takeaway on the same street.

Do they live locally? I would make out some sort of delay and say I will pick my food up along the way. 'Go ahead order and start, I'll sort out mine'. Apologise profusely when you get there with your steaming hot take away - get a couple of generic vegetarian dishes for the table.

This is not about attributing blame or fault, which the OP has not done. She’s looking for a solution. Personally, I think a hygiene rating of 3 is not a place I’d want to eat from.

OP, it’s only one meal and you can eat both before and after the visit. You don’t need a feast just a few items to eat to pass the time. And if that is just plain rice and some stir fried veg, then so be it.

How could you possibly know how many serving spoons they have?!

I would normally be a bit impatient about fussy eating but Chinese food can be particularly unpredictable. I've ordered for a vegetarian first whose rice had bits of meat in and for my vegan son whose meal had bits of egg in. I thought I'd made it very clear but something was lost in translation. On another occasion I ordered for a gluten free guest and they seemed to think I was asking for "free" food and gave us an extra 2 dishes free, which was nice, but she didn't dare eat any of it. So I think you've got good reason to decline.

Ordering your own takeaway is a bit off though, unless the host suggests. Eat before you go?

I'd explain about the vege options rather than the hygiene one, and explain. If you did that to me, I'd be fine with it. You're not asking them to do it for you, so shouldn't be a major issue.

Menu choices aside, a lot of take away places lose hygiene ratings because of incorrect paperwork not necessarily for actual hygiene

If everybody else is ordering meat dishes then this could be an issue even if OP orders her vegetarian noodle dishes from the same place as the group. If OP is vegetarian then she isn’t going to eat meat dishes even ignoring the food hygiene issue so obviously wouldn’t be sharing the dishes regardless.

I understand totally, I would be in the same predicament... I think I would eat beforehand, then order some rice and a side dish and pretend to eat. If it's a big group of people, no one will pay any attention if you don't draw attention to yourself. (as a one-off - if you then get invited regularly you might need a long term plan with your boyfriend).

I can’t see why people think it’s rude. I suffer from a stomach condition that means I avoid fatty food. In this situation I’d take my own or eat earlier. I don’t consider it rude. I think it’s ruder for people to want me to be ill for days because of inappropriate food. Fortunately nobody has ever objected- not to my face anyway and they still invite me to things.

This comment is so weird. Where has OP said they've done anything rude? She hasn't even spoken to her partner about this yet.

That said, OP I don't think ordering your own food is rude and in fact it sets out the boundaries for future meal time interactions. As someone who hosts a lot this kind of thing wouldn't and doesn't bother me.

I can’t eat in public so I’m “that” person. When I met my now husband’s family they had to just accept it, I would go but not eat. They never said anything but you do feel everyone watching you and sighing. If you think this is a long term relationship potentially, then you will need to make them aware and just ride out the reactions

Could you get DP to do the order online, and you order what you want from the other place? As they are in the same road and you are doing the pick up, it shouldn’t be obvious that some dishes are from a different restaurant. You can swap some between the bags.

It should be easy enough to limit yourself to eating the food from the restaurant you feel comfortable with. Parents won’t know their son isn’t actually adding your food to the order.

This all falls apart if DP can’t be the one to do the ordering online though!!!

It would be rude, but I'd not eat at a 3 star rating either. It's not difficult to get a 5 star. If it were me, I'd not go!!

Dont go… make up any excuse, so much easier to not put yourself through all this.

OP just go for it, who cares. As long as you are paying and collecting your own stuff I don't think its rude. Its not like they have cooked, its just a takeaway. I would ignore anyone who says its rude and sort yourself out.

I don’t think it would be rude but I’m not familiar with the etiquette of family takeaway nights!

Personally, I would not be offended if someone did this, especially if they bought enough food for me to try too.

It's just a takeaway. It's not like anyone in the group cooked it themselves and would be insulted if you refused their handiwork. I cannot for the life of me see why it would be rude to order your takeaway from a different place just down the road. You don't even have to give a longwinded explanation. Just say you don't fancy it. I'd present them with a fait accompli - order it before you tell them - so they don't then do that annoying and awkward thing of pretending they'd be happy to order from your chosen place, while secretly feeling resentful that you've "ruined" their much-anticipated chinese meal.

Life's so much easier when everyone is honest about their food preferences and nobody takes it personally.

Not enough serving spoons?? 😮
What a travesty... or maybe just wash one?