Would this be rude?

[Christmas20]

I am going to a family takeaway night tonight with my partner’s family. It’s my first one with them.

They want to order Chinese, which is fine for me because I do eat Chinese food, but I have a couple of issues.

Firstly, I am vegetarian and the place they want to order from doesn’t have a great deal of options for me to choose from. Secondly - and of course I would never voice this to them or make a scene out of it - I have quite bad emetophobia and because of that, I am quite fussy about where I eat from and checking food hygiene ratings etc. The place they want to eat from has a 3 rating and quite a lot of bad reviews about the food being off. I would be panicking the whole time whilst eating and for the next couple of days that the food was going to make me unwell because of this. I am in therapy for this issue but it’s not a quick magical fix.

Would it be rude for me to order my own food (and pay for my own food of course!) from a different place up the road that firstly, has a lot more vegetarian options and secondly, a 5 hygiene rating and excellent 5 star reviews.

I would obviously use the reasoning of there being more options for me to choose from because of being a vegetarian.

Just ask for a vegetable stir fry. You’ll be fine.

I think you would be better off eating at home beforehand and say that you wanted to join in with the occasion but because you have some digestive issues, you are better off avoiding Chinese takeaway.

Ordering from a different takeaway is effectively snubbing their choice. Maybe it deserves to be snubbed because of the poor hygiene rating, but I doubt his family will thank you for bringing it up.

If DS brought a GF to the house for a takeaway and she placed an order somewhere else, I would of course pretend it was fine but I would have the person marked down as high maintenance and I wouldn’t rush to invite you round again.

I wouldn't find this remotely rude. If you're discreet and polite about it, there's nothing wrong with ordering from a more suitable menu for yourself. The drama queens are out in force on this thread.

But why would you care if she WAS snubbing your choice?! Does everyone think they are the arbiter of taste? I'm sure I love loads of things that other people would think are horrible, so why would it bother me if they wanted something they'd actually like? All this "picking at sides" to "fit in" - why? What is the actual point of behaving like this?

The vegetarian excuse is weak. I’m vegetarian and I don’t think I’ve ever been to a restaurant or used a take away that doesn’t offer something. Every Chinese will have chips, egg friend rice, vegetable spring rolls, plain noodles.

Your issue is clearly the hygiene rating and your phobia. If your partner is aware he should be letting his family know and giving them the heads up before you get there and don’t order.

I wouldn’t order from another place, that does look rude. I’d either eat before hand or take something from home.

@RegusGirl , If pushed, I'd go for plain boiled rice and seasonal vegetables.
I wouldn't be fine with stir fry.

OP has issues with the low hygiene recipe, so not joining in at all is IMO the only option.

Also - isn't it unusual for the hosts to choose the takeaway for everyone? When I've gone to people's places for a takeaway or vice versa, we've decided together where to order from (or to have things from - gasp - different places) rather than someone just dictating.

OP has been invited to join in a communal family experience, presumably because the family sees her growing closer to their DS and wants to welcome her into the fold.
She was invited to have a takeaway from their favourite Chinese. Ordering from a different Chinese means she is no longer partaking in what was offered.

I can just about see ordering from say the chippie and saying you don’t like Chinese food, but getting the same type of food from a different option is unusual and does make the OP seem - IMHO- somewhat high maintenance. Effectively that’s true as based on what OP has said so far, she is highly unlikely to go with the flow for say a meal out or a holiday where one is required to eat out publicly most of the time.

I don’t think it’s rude. I’d actually wonder why they want to order from somewhere that’s rated 3 star rather than 5. If anything I’d use that as an excuse over the limited options and vegetarian reasoning. The latter could just seem picky but actually most people I know would rather eat from a hygienic establishment.

Nah I don't think it is rude if you organise and pay for it yourself. I would do the same as you just for the hygiene reason.

You're lucky that you can use the vegetarian thing as an excuse, it's a perfect get-out clause!

Wrong thread?

Eat before you go so you arem't hungry and then just order something you are comfortable with and pick at is so nobody notices
Ordering from somewhere else will be seen as rude and a bit odd

Going to a different take away is odd but if you can't eat from their choice I would it to bring a home-made or shop bought dish that could be shared and blame it on stomach sensitivities

Yes it’s rude - you are saying their usual takeaway place isn’t good enough for you. They aren’t going to believe that the other place so many different vegetarian options that you couldn’t just order with the, you just come across as fussy and someone that wants to eat somewhere “better” and more expensive. They’ll be wondering how you will cope with other family meals and restaurants if the relationship continues or will you be bringing/buying your own “better food” all the time.

You're partner just needs to say "hey all, I've heard <your choice> is good, let's try there tonight for a change"

He doesn't need to mention you at all. If he won't do this basic thing for you, then he's a twat

Why on earth did you agree to go to a takeaway evening if you knew how difficult you would find it? Yes, what you’re suggesting is rude and you know it, despite trying to justify yourself.

Just don't go. I'm vegan, and if people were ordering from somewhere that didn't have much for me, I'd say sorry guys, I'll sit this one out. Then they have the option of either saying ok see you next time, or asking for my suggestions for a different place.

I don’t know if it’s rude though, it’s literally a hygiene issue and therefore shielding herself from potential food poisoning. And nearly everywhere I know has a 5 rating, so 3 genuinely seems shocking and so I don’t think it’s the OP being fussy. if it was a case of OP just wanting a 3 Michelin restaurant, then yeah, but wanting a 5* hygiene food safety rating is just standard, in my opinion.

I’m actually surprised the restaurant is still running - with the rating and bad reviews.

Yeah, but 3 hygiene stars ISN'T good enough for her, and nor should it be. I just can't understand why fitting in is more important than being honest and everyone being happy with what they're eating. She's even got the get-out clause of the vegetarian options, so she doesn't have to mention the hygiene thing if she doesn't want to. All those who prioritise adhesion to "fitting in" - are you really saying you'd rather your relative's partner on these holidays/restaurant meals with compulsory food choices was unhappy, just so that you could preserve the illusion of everyone enjoying the same thing?

Ideally your partner could have steered his family towards a takeaway place that is acceptable to you ahead of time.

However, if it’s too late for that and you know you can’t eat food from the place they are ordering I think it’s ok to say you want to order from another place as the vegetarian options are better for you and you have a delicate stomach.

Somebody brought their own food to my wedding because they are a very fussy eater and I didn’t hold it against them!

Also, when I was pregnant I was really nauseous and so took my own food to a family event because I knew I couldn’t eat what was offered. I knew some people would find it weird and possibly rude but I had to do what was best for me regardless. I think as long as you are friendly and nice it will be ok - unless they are determined to see it as ‘rude’, in which case there’s nothing you can do!

Can’t you just take some food from home, like a Chinese ready meal for example? That’s what I would do in your situation.

And having a 5 food rating definitely doesn’t equate to being more expensive. I’ve eaten from cheap random chicken places that have a 5 rating. It’s not expensive to be hygienic and practise good food safety standards

Tbh OP I wouldn’t bat an eyelid if you simply said I’m veggie and takeaway 2 has better options as a host I’d look at their menu and if it would work for everyone we’d all get from there otherwise just order separately

If you do decide to bring your own food, avoiding Chinese is the way to go. That way you can blame it on your delicate stomach and finding the spices overpowering, it kind of spoils the logic if you bring the same type of food.

Why would it be rude