DH and a colleague

[Th8754]

Our teenage daughter is misbehaving lately, and she’s not speaking to her dad, my DH, over petty stuff - not giving her money to spend when she wants on what she wants, etc. She has a big match this weekend, and she doesn’t want us to attend.
My DH said all of this and a lot more to his colleague and asked her what to do. She told him to respect our daughter’s decisions and not to attend! I don’t agree at all. I told our daughter that she can’t go to a party if we can’t come to the match. My husband’s colleague disagreed and said that’s not ok. He has now taken the colleague’s view. He tells his colleague a lot of things, by the sounds of it. They are peers and working in a stressful environment, and he’s always leaning on her. I am pissed off with him for discussing our family issues with her and taking her side. I told him to stop talking to her, too, as I noticed he calls her a lot and they have very long conversations. He’s now annoyed and said she’s a good friend and that I am controlling. She also told him to start putting himself first, as he's unwell too, but he has to work to pay for our kids' school fees. She told him to think it through, as in why is he doing it all, while I am not pulling my weight, while he’s unwell. I am livid.

it feels like he has always deferred to you and now you’re not happy he is rebelling and he obviously can’t have his own opinions 🙄

I don't know.

It isn’t. That’s what friends are for. And just because you agreed on the family dynamic a long time ago doesn’t mean you’re tied into it forever or that nobody can change their mind. Why aren’t you taking on board anything your husband has told you about his unhappiness (or what many people are pointing out to you here?)

I’m probably more like you in that I never moan about my husband to even my closest friends as it can be in the moment, but will stay with them and they would always judge him because of my temporary upset with him.

He’s the same with me.

You both need to talk though. He’s not coping and you’re his closest person.

His colleague is his sounding board at the moment but he needs to discuss this stuff with you and you with him.

I hope you both can. This thing with his work friend is transient. Doesn't matter if the friend is male or female.

Your relationship isn’t.

Focus on you two.

Have you ever actually had any friends?

And what if he asked you to get a job so he could be a house husband? Seems like it’s his turn for some downtime.

They have been friends like this for many years, and I don't see this changing unless he gets a new job.

So you want him to get a new job to get him away from someone who supports him

do you actually care about his mental health at all or is it just an inconvenience to you?

What assumptions to make from a few posts! This whole thread has become about blaming the OP for a husband who has no appropriate boundaries. Every marriage has its problems and every teenager can be difficult. Still, a man should not confide to another woman about his marriage. Other problems can be dealt with when he is ready to become a serious person.

I am retraining. I am a default parent. I told him to get a new job. There are no good state local schools nearby. What can I do??

Yes and I'm old enough to understand that family comes first.

You can get a job that brings in money.

It’s ok them being friends but something is stopping him being as frank with you as he is being (temporarily) with her.

You're the person he is married to.

Try not to focus on her, focus on you two.

Not always. Sometimes your friends are right and your family member is wrong. Everyone needs people to confide in that aren’t their partner.

I told him to get a new job - do you really think it is that easy? What if he finds one that is less stress and less pay?

your kids are teens - you should be looking for work

Send them to whatever state school is nearby and top up with tutoring . Much cheaper and will reduce the financial pressure. Maybe they will make nicer friends and stop acting like brats too.

Get yourself and evening job. Teens don't need babysitting

Learn about stress and understand how serious is and persuade your husband to at least get signed off for a while

He isn't freezing her out!She sounds somewhat controlling and doesn't really listen to him or her daughter. Who on earth threatens a teenager by saying you can't do what you want unless I come to your match.
The poor husband is ill. Not listened to. Has financial worries and has found a sympathetic colleague who seems to give good advice. But I accept it is not the norm.

True but you have to see that the person the husband is confiding in being a female colleague of suitable age who can potentially replace the wife and whose ideas are favoured over the wife's can only worsen the situation. A partner in marriage has to be smart enough to get the appropriate help if help is really what s/he is looking for. OP's husband is not getting help, he is getting attention. If you want a solution, you go to a therapist or to an old friend who is not a potential competitor to your wife. If you want a release, flattery and female attention you go to a female colleague. And how inappropriate is it that this person is also a colleague. The guy has zero boundaries and people are talking about private school because they couldn't send their own kids.

I had to edit this post - it's one thing to have opposite sex friends who are colleagues, and another thing to gang up on your partner on marital issues with your male colleagues.

But ganging up is your interpretation and OPs

i discuss parenting with one colleague - we both have an ND child and both our partners struggle with it. So we do discuss things and sometimes I’ll go home and say ‘I spoke about this with x and he suggested it was a good idea to do y’. I’m not ganging up, I’m just telling DH that his rigid view isn’t the only one and my view is not to be discounted.

i suspect that’s what’s happening here - the DH doesn’t believe his opinion is valued so is trying to have some validation that he thinks his wife will acknowledge. Obviously backfired on him - but OP needs to listen to him and it’s very clear she isn’t at the moment

she wants her life to carry on exactly as it is but if his work stress gets worse she could find things spiral out of her control

I'm going to ask again, OP. Do you think they're having an affair? Or are you concerned that it's headed that way? Because if not, I'm finding it really hard to get my head around why you have a problem with him talking about fairly ordinary stuff with a friend.

Your attitude towards your family set up is really odd. You acknowledge that your husband is ill because of work related stress but you shrug it off and say that he has to suck it up and keep working because the school fees need paying. You can't contribute a anything yourself in order to alleviate his stress, because you are "retraining". But even after you have "retrained", you've said that you won't be earning a lot. So what's the point, exactly? Why not just get a job now to ease the pressure on your husband?

It doesn't matter what was agreed in the past, because the situation has changed and your husband's health is suffering. The normal thing for a wife to do in that situation would be to think about how she could support him. Not just shrug and say he'll have to suck it up because that's what we agreed.

It sounds like the colleague is being a real friend to your husband - supporting him with his stressful job and speaking honestly to him about the perception that you need to do more. She isn't wrong. You sound very cold and uncaring towards him, as if his only worth is in his paypacket.

Why shouldn't he talk to his friend about his work related stress and the issues with his daughter? You keep saying that it's not on, but you haven't given a reason. He clearly needs support and you seem uninterested in giving it to him.

If you think they're having an affair or headed that way, then that's a different issue. But honestly speaking, OP, whether they're having an affair or not, I can't see how your marriage can possibly last because you clearly don't care a jot about your husband.

Yes it is out of order. He is allowing another woman who is not his wife to hold a more important role than his wife. This will be the end of their marriage if he doesn’t walk away.

You don’t sound very supportive of your DH, OP. You are retraining for work which isn’t going to earn very much (I sincerely hope it’s not some wanky therapy that turns out to be a complete non starter). Meanwhile he is carrying all the financial burden and associated stress and your reaction is to tell him to get a different job.

He’s turned to this woman because she offers him a sympathetic ear and comfort. Yes, she’s overstepped and it’s inappropriate, but you kind of drove him there.

If you want him not to share his woes with her you’ve got to be more receptive yourself. He wants you to get a proper paying job, he’s complaining to this woman and she’s backing him up. Listen to what he’s saying before he leaves you high and dry.

Have you spoken to your DH opened up about if you went back to work would that help with his work stress. You are a team so should be able to find a solution together. Are you ok mentally? Or are you struggling and feel like you need to finish retraining rather than ditching it. We have little info here. You may not bring in much but it might just be he wants a contribution. Is he also funding the retraining? You are keeping your cards quite close to your chest here. Forget the colleague I’d say and what people should or shouldn’t do. It’s flagged something important which is good info to have!!

Of course you can switch the school!
And you can take a parttime job or stop retraining and take a fulltime job.
OP, it’s time to wake up, your DH is ill and this situation is making him worse. Things need to change.