DH and a colleague

[Th8754]

Our teenage daughter is misbehaving lately, and she’s not speaking to her dad, my DH, over petty stuff - not giving her money to spend when she wants on what she wants, etc. She has a big match this weekend, and she doesn’t want us to attend.
My DH said all of this and a lot more to his colleague and asked her what to do. She told him to respect our daughter’s decisions and not to attend! I don’t agree at all. I told our daughter that she can’t go to a party if we can’t come to the match. My husband’s colleague disagreed and said that’s not ok. He has now taken the colleague’s view. He tells his colleague a lot of things, by the sounds of it. They are peers and working in a stressful environment, and he’s always leaning on her. I am pissed off with him for discussing our family issues with her and taking her side. I told him to stop talking to her, too, as I noticed he calls her a lot and they have very long conversations. He’s now annoyed and said she’s a good friend and that I am controlling. She also told him to start putting himself first, as he's unwell too, but he has to work to pay for our kids' school fees. She told him to think it through, as in why is he doing it all, while I am not pulling my weight, while he’s unwell. I am livid.

I don't know your husband, but I feel really sorry for him. I'm glad he's got a close friend he's able to confide in.

It seems that you see it as a war over who gets to tell him what to do. You've used the verb 'tell' more often than 'discuss'. Have you noticed this?

Also the thing about telling him to get a new job is incredibly dismissive if he’s struggling already

i I suspect the problems with your daughter most likely stem from what she sees in your relationship - you seem to treat her father with an element of contempt so why wouldn’t she

but she’s right. This has to be made-up rage bait, surely no one is this un-self-aware?

He is allowed to confide in one friend. You don't like being exposed. And a therapist would probably tell him the same...that there is an imbalance. This screams control, control, control.

Of course you can, what age are they? If you can't afford it you can't afford it!! And why would you go against what your DD wants by attending some match, no idea what mind though as you haven't said

It’s also not unusual ime for kids to go back into the state system for sixth form. Perhaps it’s worth planning for that so you knock a few years of fees off at the very least

This is a man under a lot of pressure. Your daughter also sounds like she feels controlled by you. It sounds like a family in crisis and you are not listening.

This does not bode well for the future of your relationship with your husband and you daughter. It sounds like they both feel under strain with your controlling approach to how you relate to them.

The suicide rate amongst men is very high. If he can find someone he can confide in that is not a bad thing. Women can be friends with men without their being romantic feelings. Confiding in his colleague may just be saving his life by avoiding a big mental health crisis. He is a human being. We all need someone to speak to and policing who and what he speaks to a friend about is extremely controlling and ridiculous. It won't end well where the relationship is concerned.

You're pushing him away.

I would understand if he was talking about your sex life but talking about problems with your DCs in this context is not overly personal

But she shouldn’t be passing judgement on the OP, saying she doesn’t pull her weight, etc. It’s irrelevant whether that’s the case or not. It’s an uncalled for personal comment and judgement, and stepping over a line from sympathy to interposing oneself into a relationship.

There are two separate issues here. There's the current situation with your daughter and then there's your husband's friendship with the colleague.

I told our daughter that she can’t go to a party if we can’t come to the match.
This is very unreasonable and petty. It's pathetic actually. If she doesn't want you to come to the match then respect her wishes. You don't need to go. She should go to the match and the party and you shouldn't go to the match.

Then there's your husband's friendship with this woman. I wouldn't like him discussing things in the marriage and then coming home and saying "Jane says this... Jane thinks this...." It's not appropriate and it could stray into emotional affair territory if it continues.

She also told him to start putting himself first, as he's unwell too, but he has to work to pay for our kids' school fees. She told him to think it through, as in why is he doing it all, while I am not pulling my weight, while he’s unwell.

And of course she's going to take his side because she's only hearing his side of the story and he'll be portraying himself in the best light when he describes situations that arise between you. Her telling him to "think it through" is suspect. She's putting doubts into his head about his marriage. He might have doubts already but he should be discussing those with you.

I do think you have issues in your marriage though. If he is unwell you will need to work more to contribute more to the family finances and you might have to reconsider the school fees if you can't afford them. Your daughter could move to a state sixth form or college.
He shouldn't be making himself more and more unwell due to overwork if you aren't pulling your weight.
But this is for you and him to discuss.

I’d tell any of my friends/colleagues that, if I thought it was true.

I think she’s right about your daughter’s ‘big match’ by the way. She’d rather not have you watching. Seems fair enough. Not everyone’s performance is best when they’ve got their parents watching so leave her to it.

So if someone told a friend that their husband had never changed a nappy, didn’t wake up in the night with the kids, had never taken them to or from school or looked after them when they were sick and their friend said he wasn’t pulling his weight, that would be an unacceptable judgement and the friend imposing on the relationship would it?

It isn’t overstepping in the least to express an opinion on a situation someone has told you about.

There’s a lot of double standards going on here tbh

op stop blaming the colleague and have a proper conversation with your husband

We only hear your side of the story.

What's the difference?

Agree with this. You need to stop retraining and get a job. Children change schools all of the time

OP you are 100% right that he shouldn't be talking about these issues with his female colleague and calling her is friend doesn't make that ok either. I don't know a single woman in my circle or at work that would be chilled about this. It's a separate issue to simply having a female friend.
You are being goaded on here by the usual Mumsnet vitriol and personally I wouldn't buy into any of it.
I showed this thread to my workmates today and they all said basically typical of a bunch of women...to basically pick holes in you 🙄
He needs to sit down with you and say what he wants to change-in terms of his work stress. Simply saying she listens and you don't is not good enough !
I wouldn't accept that bullshit. I would 100% give him an ultimatum over that woman given him advice that affects you and my husband does have a female friend but there are absolutely boundaries and both of them bitching about me -absolutely no bloody way !!

She's entitled to her opinion and it should have been none of your business but husband decided to tell you and now your upset that he's talking about you to someone else who happens to be a woman.

How would it sit if his male friends had said what she said?

YANBU I wouldn't be happy if my husband was creating a 'him and her, against me' dynamic with another woman. I wouldn't like it if it were a male 3rd person either, but a female ... nope, not on.

He can have friends and discuss what he likes. You need to step up and get a job and stop relying on your husband to do everything. YABU

@Yummybananas are you reading the same thread as everyone else?

OP’s husband is getting ill because he’s working so hard but she doesn’t care because she’s retraining, they agreed this ages ago and she doesn’t want her kids to change school.

OP wants to totally override her daughter’s wishes about something because she wants to be there.

OP’s DH speaks to one of his oldest friends about how he’s feeling and his dilemmas. The friend offers an opinion.

Because the friend has tits, this is not acceptable.

I have to say that if any of my kids were getting ill through the stress of work, a) I’d hope their partner would prioritise their health over the kid’s school or b) in the absence of a caring partner they would have a good friend that they could talk to who would be honest with them and have their best interests at heart.

The sex of any party is a completely moot point.

Is English your first language OP?
You have a very formal written style which is why I think your posts are coming across as cold and unsympathetic.
Family needs change, a long ago agreed set up obviously isn’t suiting your family now. The job market is super tough, telling your DH to find a new job in this climate was probably not the most supportive thing to have suggested.

Well, that depends on how it’s expressed. If the DH here has told this woman that he’s tired and stressed about work, then there are plenty of sympathetic responses to that and potentially helpful suggestions to make rather than say it’s his wife’s fault for not pulling her weight.

Or maybe she didn’t say that and just asked if his wife might be able to help with the fees if that’s the main pressure he’s feeling

he’s then rephrased it to his wife and the OP has rephrased it for us