DH and a colleague

[Th8754]

Our teenage daughter is misbehaving lately, and she’s not speaking to her dad, my DH, over petty stuff - not giving her money to spend when she wants on what she wants, etc. She has a big match this weekend, and she doesn’t want us to attend.
My DH said all of this and a lot more to his colleague and asked her what to do. She told him to respect our daughter’s decisions and not to attend! I don’t agree at all. I told our daughter that she can’t go to a party if we can’t come to the match. My husband’s colleague disagreed and said that’s not ok. He has now taken the colleague’s view. He tells his colleague a lot of things, by the sounds of it. They are peers and working in a stressful environment, and he’s always leaning on her. I am pissed off with him for discussing our family issues with her and taking her side. I told him to stop talking to her, too, as I noticed he calls her a lot and they have very long conversations. He’s now annoyed and said she’s a good friend and that I am controlling. She also told him to start putting himself first, as he's unwell too, but he has to work to pay for our kids' school fees. She told him to think it through, as in why is he doing it all, while I am not pulling my weight, while he’s unwell. I am livid.

Amazing how many people on this post are just jealous of the private school aspect and ignore the fact that the OP's husband has actually crossed a major line. The question is whether it is OK for OP's husband to discuss intra-marital issues with another woman, the answer to which is OF COURSE NOT. But the responses here are like "why don't you have to work like the rest of us" and "take your children out of private school because I can't afford it and it makes me mad that you can." Sad.

What an odd take

my kids are at private school so no issue there

and I also work in a professional environment and am friends with male colleagues (shock!)

the internalised mysogyny being aimed at this because she’s a woman is the gross part of this thread

He told her about one issue or ongoing challenge with your daughter, highly relatable for lots of colleagues. And equally he likely already had her perspective before talking about it and has had it confirmed or supported by someone external and therefore more objective to the scenario. When I did sports when I was young I didn't like my parents coming and they respected that, you should respect that also. Her sports isn't about you. It shouldn't be a quid pro quo

It feels as though the pivot point is in the wrong place, i.e. the kids can't POSSIBLY move school but fine for him to continue working against his health and needs. It needs to be the other way around. He shouldn't be in that situation and school shouldn't be the priority here surely?
That situation would only build resentment for a lot of people.

Your DH is out of order. He is allowing another woman into the marriage by seeking views and sharing private family business. He needs to stop now or there won’t be a marriage left.

Eh? I don't see what's so "of course not" about that. I chat to my close friends (male and female) about my relationship from time to time. My DP does the same. He's known some of his female friends since uni, so it would be weird if they didn't talk about their personal lives.

If she actually said this about you it's ooo. What you need to find out is what he's saying to her, for her to respond with that reply.

She needs to put this to one side and have a proper co variation with her husband and actually listen to him

As I said before, our family set-up is as it is. We agreed to it. I am retraining and hope to be making some money when I qualify. It won’t be a lot. I don’t know exactly what she told him or why, but it’s just not ok to ask his female colleague about her views. He calls her a lot, and I hear him laughing a lot with her, and he’s overly protective of her - telling her not to work late, etc. The messages were clean, but early mornings (6:30 am - 7 am) and late-night texts were work-stress-related. I can’t believe he told her about our fights and issues with our daughter, and then asked and listened to her views. That's not on
.

You’re fixating on the colleague because you don’t want to address the issues in your marriage and with your daughter and your husbands mental health

Would you have the same thoughts if it was a male colleague? I can't decide if it's because she's a woman, although you do say you don't think he's having an affair, or if it's just you don't want him speaking to anyone about his family issues? We all need someone to be able to confide in. We can't get all our emotional support from our significant other only. YABU

I think it’s crossing a line to tell her all about our family issues and then seek her advice.

You don't get it? Then let's just hope that you don't have to find out the hard way. Firstly, by confiding to a third person of opposite sex you are violating the privacy of your marriage without the consent of your wife/ husband. This kind of juvenile confiding has a place only in non-serious boyfriend girlfriend situations and not actual marriages. If you feel the need to complain to your male friends about your boyfriend, then he is probably not the one. Secondly, you are undermining your wife/ husband by openly respecting another opposite sex person's opinion over theirs (and the colleague in the OP knows this which creates a weirdly inappropriate competitive situation). The colleague here has no business commenting on how husband and wife should arrange their relationship. This whole dynamic of an intervention by an implied "more reasonable and rational female who is a better fit" is terribly detrimental to OP's relationship with her husband. It's actually akin to betrayal.

I’m not jealous of private school. I’m just happy my children didn’t need it.

Is this a weird reverse?
He's desperately stressed at work but you wont countenance any changes to relieve the pressure?

I expect your relationship will be over soon if you don't give your head a big wobble.

I asked him to find a new job.

OP you need to stop fixating on the colleague and focus on what your DH is trying to tell you

he is unwell and he is trying to cope. Having someone supportive at work makes it less of a ‘dangerous’ place for him. And it’s also very clear that home life is also contributing to his stress.

you sound like you want to keep it all private and pretend everything is ok - but it’s not and you can’t keep burying your head in the sand

I dont think anyone is remotely envious of a family in such dire straits as this one. The children don't sound happy. At best they are terribly spoilt and at worst they are utterly miserable. The husband hates his life to the point his isn't coping. And the wife is incapable of accepting that changes are needed.

Envy is pretty much the last thing anyone is feeling

Hi OP. Is his friend the only one he has? Do you have friends?

But you won't try and earn any money yourself to relieve the pressure? And you won't discuss moving them from private school even though the entire family sounds unhappy at present?

You really don’t get it - if he is unwell with work stress he is not going to have it in him to go out and get another job. He will not have the confidence and it’s highly likely if he does it will not last. You are better he stays where he is as he at least has employment rights

So even when you've retrained you won't be making a meaningful financial contribution? You sound so lacking in care for your husband's health it almost beggars belief. What worked for your family when you agreed this set up previously doesn't mean it works now! Things change.

I think you're so defensive about this colleague because you recognise some truth in what she's saying.

He has other friends, of course, but he’s overly protective of her and listens to her too much.

I stayed at home when the kids were young. I am retraining now, but he’s making so much more compared to me. I would never catch up. What am I to do??

Does he confide in his other friends? I