DH and a colleague

[Th8754]

Our teenage daughter is misbehaving lately, and she’s not speaking to her dad, my DH, over petty stuff - not giving her money to spend when she wants on what she wants, etc. She has a big match this weekend, and she doesn’t want us to attend.
My DH said all of this and a lot more to his colleague and asked her what to do. She told him to respect our daughter’s decisions and not to attend! I don’t agree at all. I told our daughter that she can’t go to a party if we can’t come to the match. My husband’s colleague disagreed and said that’s not ok. He has now taken the colleague’s view. He tells his colleague a lot of things, by the sounds of it. They are peers and working in a stressful environment, and he’s always leaning on her. I am pissed off with him for discussing our family issues with her and taking her side. I told him to stop talking to her, too, as I noticed he calls her a lot and they have very long conversations. He’s now annoyed and said she’s a good friend and that I am controlling. She also told him to start putting himself first, as he's unwell too, but he has to work to pay for our kids' school fees. She told him to think it through, as in why is he doing it all, while I am not pulling my weight, while he’s unwell. I am livid.

Because the friend has tits, this is not acceptable

No, it would be equally unacceptable if ‘Bob’ had told the DH his wife wasn’t pulling her weight. “I’m so stressed with work”. “It’s your wife’s fault, mate. She’s not pulling her weight.” Not up to either this female colleague or Bob to make a comment like that IMO.

Yes I absolutely agree with you and even said the same on my previous post. Daughters wishes re her match should be respected and she shouldn't be banned from her party.
She needs to sit down with hubbie and sort out the work stress situation and yes maybe get the kids out of private school especially if the stress of the job to support this is making him ill-i agree.

But discussing personal marriage/ home issues with a female colleague = no way, because as you can see it's not helping at all. Also it's crossing boundaries and yes the sex absolutely does matter to some people. It's not about whether that matters to you or even to him to be honest. But it does matter to some !

But that’s highly unlikely what was said. Remember we are hearing OPs interpretation

Except that won't be how the conversation went. Between the statement and response would have been the main body of the conversation, why is work causing him stress, what can be done to alleviate some of the stress I.e cutting hours for a while, taking sick leave, then the reason he can't do this, need to pay school fees wife not working and so on then the response.

Tbh im inclined to agree with her. I can see why youve made the choices she has but this coworker isnt saying anything inappropriate or wrong.

If my coworker told me the story about the match and party, id say i dont think thats a helpful response to punish DD for not being comfy with the pressure of spectators. I agree with coworker.

If I knew they were ill with their MH and working themselves sick to pay for school fees and their spouse to retrain i think it wasn't worth it. If I was worried about them id say something similar.

I don't think Dh is taking her side, I think shes taking his.

Its normal to talk to friends or family and it sounds like DH needs to talk to someone. I think if DH is this unwell maybe you should reevaluate whether this job, i can totally see why he feels you dont listen and she does and you want to address that.

You don’t know how the conversation went anymore than I do. The DH reported it to the OP as her ‘not pulling her weight’, so IMO that was very close to what was said. Yes, of course, there was more conversation in the middle, but that wasn’t the point I was making.

The point is the way this colleague made an unnecessary comment about the wife. There’s a big difference between asking “Could your wife maybe take on a little P/T work while she’s retraining to help with income, or is she tied up with all that training?” (Neutral) and “Your wife’s not pulling her weight” (judgemental).

The latter is unnecessary, whether it’s said by a male colleague or a female colleague.

And the in your opinion judgemental comment is exactly the comment that almost every single poster on here would make if it was the OP saying she was the one suffering with stress whilst her DH didn't work.

But we have no idea if the colleague said ‘your wife’s a bitch and she’s not pulling her weight’ or ‘is there any chance your wife could work a bit to take the pressure off if you think it would help?’

and the DH may have said she’s not pulling her weight because that’s how he genuinely feels at the moment and he was able to have his feelings validated by his colleague - as opposed to his wife who just told him to get another job

or perhaps he put it gently and the OP was so enraged at the suggestion they change the plans they agreed so long ago because deep down she knows she needs to help more and chose to use the negative language when relaying the tale to us

the point is - we can judge none of the 3 protagonists in this story from the version OP has given us as we don’t know what the truth actually is

I agree it’s not appropriate for him to share his family problems in the depth he is. That’s first steps towards at least an emotional affair. A man I work closely with started to do that to me - it felt icky and inappropriate. I distanced myself immediately and will strictly only talk about work, no chit chat, and I limit the amount of time I spend with him too. But it sounds like your husband’s colleague isn’t going to do that.

It’s also inappropriate of your husband to have said outright to you that he’s going to follow her advice - it’s really undermining of you.

alongside that - there’s obviously something he really needs to talk to you about and feels he’s not able to. That was my colleague’s problem really - he hadn’t even tried to have a conversation with his wife about the things he wasn’t happy with, and just looked elsewhere for emotional support for the sake of having a bit of a difficult conversation. I basically said really sorry you’re so unhappy and suggested he might want to use our employee assistance programme to talk to someone - he seems happier these days so maybe he took my advice.

Well, quite. Even reading only the OP’s posts before reading any replies I concluded she was an entitled parasite.

I get what youvare saying and I agree. But... this is not such a dynamic because the husband did not ageee from the begining * as far as I understand) with the OP' s approach. So, he asked for an outside opinion. Which strenthened his belief that he is in the right. The dynamic of difference of opinion and approach was there from the begining. It really feels that the OP is not willing to compromise and to listen to the husband. Which changes the narrative from "he sided with her against OP". Is not like that. It was the friend siding with him on his approach. I am not sure if I make myself understood but I had times in my life where I had to ask outside opinion because I knew that asking my DH or any of our family would be biased. I also gave advice to married man who was confiding in me about his relationship, I sided with her, called him an idiot and made him see how he is in the wrong. He thanked me and appreciated my advice and woman perspective. Sometimes I was confirmed I was right sometimes I was not, and it provides a fresh perspective, that is all there is.

People posting anonymously on here about other unnamed people is totally different from a woman sitting at work and telling a male colleague their wife isn’t pulling their weight.

Yes, we don’t know the exact words used, just what the OP says her DH related to her. However, the DH is using this colleague wrongly. He’s either misrepresenting her much milder words in order to say what he really wants to say to the OP, which isn’t fair to the colleague, or the colleague actually said nothing at all about the wife and the DH is using her and pretending she did.

Either way, the colleague shouldn’t have let herself be drawn into this or even given the DH the impression she could be used like this. The comment above about a poster feeling “icky” when a colleague started to do this is quite right. There’s a line you’re best staying behind, not just for other people’s sake but for your own protection.

I love the way the colleague has become the villain of the piece

OP and her husband need to sort their shit out

Pull your kids out of private school then!

If a colleague I got on with told me they were stressed to the point of being physically unwell because their partner refused to work and share the financial burden I’d have much harsher words for the partner than “not pulling their weight” regardless of who was male or female.

You are holding him to something that was agreed a long time ago when presumably he was well and coping. Now he is not. Situations change. Why can’t you get a job and contribute? Retrain later. Put your family first just as you expect your DH to do so.

I suspect your DD not wanting you at her match and DH turning elsewhere for advice is due to the same reason; you’re unreasonable and controlling. You need to look at your own behaviour if you want to see true change.

thats fine and you are right.

but clearly he agrees and more likely she is reinforcing what he thinks already. Your husband is drowning and you won’t throw him a life jacket. Things change, life changes, yes you may have agreed to this terms but clearly it’s not longer sustainable.

you need to adapt and help your husband with the burden rather than digging your heels in. You are risking his health and your marriage.

Didn’t he do just what you’re doing now i.e seeking other opinions?

Voice of reason 👏

I think there’s a need here for a full and frank discussion between yourself and DH. Find a a compromise between yourselves. It’s time for the colleague to mind her own business. Relationships can be difficult enough to navigate without the opinions of bystanders.

Oh come on. You've only got the arse about it because she disagrees. If she was on your side you'd have no objection. And why aren't you pulling your weight?

Would I be happy if someone was discussing family dramas with colleagues? No. But this woman isn't just a colleague, OP; your DH said it himself, they are friends. And most people do talk to their friends about personal/family problems.

People can also change their minds. Your Dh heard an alternative way to manage your DD and has changed his mind. It's ok, but you two should have a proper discussion, not one or the other demanding that things happen a certain way. You won't want to hear it, but I agree with his colleague. It's childish to be playing tit for tat games with your teenager - 'if I can't go here, you can't go there.' Why is she being punished because she doesn't want her parents at a sports match? That's worth a conversation another time (is she going through a phase of finding her parents embarrasing? Is there someone there she wants to ask out without you two watching? Does she simply want more independence?). It's also worth another conversation (probably several) with your DH about whether private school is absolutely necessary, given the financial strain and subsequent stress it puts you both under. If it is absolutely necessary, then you need to discuss a better way to making it happen - is your training available part time? Can you get an evening job to fit around your training? If there are no good state schools in your area, could a medium term plan be to move somewhere else?

It does seem like communication is the main issue. You, your DH and your DD could probably all work on communicating with each other a bit more effectively (with you and DH remembering that your DD is only a teenager, so she may get it wrong much of the time).

I did tell him to get a new job.

Your DH is clearly stressed and unwell and you TOLD him to get a new job?

I can't even look at this thread any more.

I can understand why you are upset that he is confiding in another woman, but it seems to be your way or the highway. I’m not surprised he is getting stressed.