To not talk about my personal life, even if people think I’m cold or secretive?

[TheTaupeMoose]

I’m a cautious person by nature. I don’t overshare and I rarely talk about my personal life, especially in new environments. It’s not because I’m hiding anything or being rude, I just like to keep certain things private until (or unless) I really trust someone.

But I’ve noticed people get weird about it. They’ll push for details, joke that I’m “mysterious” or “guarded” or even act like I’m being standoffish. Some will open up to me and seem annoyed that I don’t do the same in return.

AIBU to think I shouldn’t have to talk about my personal life just to make others comfortable? Being cautious isn’t a crime.

Do you have any new feelings about your social and interpersonal relationships after tonight’s discussions? Can you describe them if so?

I do ask people questions, I’m genuinely interested in others. I just don’t lead with sharing my own personal details right away. For me, getting to know someone is more about their personality, humour and how they treat others than about swapping weekend recaps. I open up gradually but I’m not uninterested, just paced.

You seem to be weirdly keen to emphasise how private you are and how right you are. My overall impression is that you’re hard work.

So when they answer your question, and they proceed to ask you the same question what happens then?

You keep saying “paced” but what does “paced” mean in terms of having a conversation and getting to know someone?

The thing is, being invasive about unimportant stuff does make you come over as a bit weird. I mean, how would it harm you to mention in general conversation that you saw, say, "Wicked" or "Nuremberg" yesterday? For travel, sure you don't need to say you're travelling on the 09.10 BA flight to New York from Heathrow airport on 12th January, but what's wrong with saying you're planning a trip to NY in the middle of January?

As people have said, being evasive about these things is iiable to make people think you are trying to make yourself out to be more interesting than you are - there's a vibe of "It's OK for you trivial people to share information about your holiday plans, but mine are too special and important for me to entrust that information with you." It's not like people are so fascinated that they're instantly going to spread all the information around their family and friends, it's just social chitchat.

I think the main takeaway is simply that people have very different comfort levels with small talk. It hasn’t changed how I feel about my own boundaries but it’s been interesting seeing how others interpret them. I’m pretty comfortable with how I navigate things socially.

But chatting about what you've been doing at the weekend is a way of finding out more about all those things - you discover what interests them, whether their interests and background are similar to yours, and you certainly find out about their sense of humour etc.

When someone answers and then asks me the same question, I just give a light, surface-level reply. For me, paced just means I don’t go into detail straight away. A simple answer is enough until I know someone better.

I just don’t treat every new acquaintance like a close friend from day one.

If you believe 'I saw Wicked part 2 on Saturday and didn't think it lived up to the hype. Have you seen it?' is treating someone like a close friend, I think you have more issues than you seem to believe.

To be honest I think you sound a bit odd. There’s only so much people will want to open up to you and build a friendship if you don’t reciprocate at all

I’m afraid I would give you a wide berth… You may think you are friendly, but I’d file you under ‘socially awkward and not worth bothering with’.

I'm sure I have more meaningful conversations with peeps I meet at the bus stop than you do with people in your life who simply want to engage with you.

At social gatherings/work socials etc I might reveal all kinds of random shit information about my fascinating life, including…

• the delicious dinner I cooked last night
• the fact that my husband is finally ready to retire
• my holiday plans, why I want to visit Italy/Croatia/Sardinia/Portugal, and the various obstacles I need to navigate to make it happen
• the fabulous ballet/opera/play/exhibition I saw earlier this week
• one of my children’s plans to start a Masters degree/spend a year teaching English in the Middle East/become a Michelin starred chef
• A book/TV series/wildlife documentary I saw and what I found fascinating about it
• deliberations about whether to get my new kitchen from DIY, Howden or IKEA,
• my views on the council’s plans to…… whatever
• And so on. Call it small talk, sharing, connecting, whatever

Just stay clear of politics, personal finance, your OBGYN issues, et cetera. Obviously.

Id be really interested in hearing the content of some of your social exchanges, OP. How did they go? Obviously you might not feel comfortable sharing but It’s all anonymous here. I always want to know who said what, to whom, and to when - but then again that could be connected to my job as much as my social mores 🤣. What do you think? Could you give us some concrete examples?

Agree. Just like this whole thread is attention seeking.

A platform for OP to emphasise how centered she is and sure of herself, with circle of friends that she has warmed up to over time that don't dismiss her outright as weird or hard work. As if people don't notice the asymmetry of info or think her deeply off for trying to hide something that people don't particularly care about.

Guess no one in real life persisted enough to ask why so she has to start a thread to get it out of her system and tell us the same thing over and over again as a form of self-assurance. No doubt in OP's mind, no none at all.

The lady doth protest too much.

But if both people did that then getting to know each other would never progress because you wouldn’t find out anything about each other. In your case you investigate people and find out all about them before you dein to give them any information back.

I'm not a very sociable person so I'd not be doing anything exciting on the weekends so I'd HAVE to keep it vague. I did once fall out with a friend who was like "you always say that because you never wanna do anything"-which was true. I loved my friends but I just didn't have their energy or will to go out and do loads of stuff on the weekends. I've always seen weekends as being 100% relaxing at home doing nothing but that'd be a very boring thing to reply every time so I'd be like you OP and just try and keep it vague (though that'd go for long-term friends as well) nothing secretive just don't have much of a life-but that's kinda not great to say and don't want people feeling sorry for me!

Most people I've ran into that I don't know well end up talking about themselves 90% of the time so it's never been much of a problem-I MUCH prefer that!

Yeah that the kind of cht you can have at a bus stop or with someone in the supermarket

Well, no, I don't because I'm open and talkative. I do feel shunned by the few people who choose not to share, and would reduce contact accordingly. It's entirely your choice and I wouldn't push you more than once. It's also your choice not to communicate openly, knowing this impedes relationships.

Fine, but don't moan about it!

They were not your people and I'd probably be the same as you in that environment, but you went from R not sharing anything at all to "not by oversharing details of her domestic life" which is the other extreme.

Why do you do that? What about the middle ground?

This sounds like such hard work for a small talk conversation!
When you ask people questions, and they respond with information that you could relate to - for example someone tells you they went to a concert at the weekend and you had been to the same one, would you share that and discuss the concert?
If so, would you share because having crossed paths at a shared location has connected you or if not, how can you ever have a conversation about anything if you can’t offer an opinion that is based on experience?
As someone with zero filter, your approach is fascinating .. but wouldn’t hold my attention for long.

But what you are missing is that simple answers are not conducive to others getting to know YOU better.

Most social groups operate on unspoken rules of reciprocal sharing I tell you something mildly personal → you tell me something roughly equivalent. signals trust, warmth, and friendliness It creates a feeling of mutual vulnerability, which bonds people.

When someone doesn’t match the level of sharing, people often interpret it emotionally rather than logically.
It’s not logical, but it’s very common. Humans subconsciously track balance n conversations.

You’re not following the unspoken ‘rules’ and so it can feel jarring to others.

I’m not over connecting threads. I’m not saying you are that person. I’m explaining we saw someone earlier this year who also had very very tight personal boundaries she had been happy with, but now others had realised about her boundaries and how different they were to what they had been sharing with her, and no longer considered her a friend, and she posted because she was now very unhappy at work and felt ostracised. You be who you want to be but you need to be prepared for other people to treat you accordingly. She wasn’t at all happy with the second part.

How do you feel when people answer these questions by saying "yes, I went to the cinema and saw X", or "yes, I volunteer at Y every week"? Do you find that uncomfortably personal?

So it's like this? You're asked about your weekend, and you answer along the lines of, "It was quiet." That ends the conversation, so they say, "Oh, you didn't go out anywhere?" And you think they're 'pushing for details' and take offence?

I'm struggling to understand why you would want to withhold the 'finer details' of your free time. You stand very standoffish and I'm not sure how you've managed to make any friends - I would probably try to get you into conversation a couple of times, realise you were weirdly offended by my completely normal questions, and think you weren't worth bothering with.

If you're this cold with people, they just aren't going to want to take their time to win your trust so that they can eventually hear all about how you ate a bag of crisps in front of Strictly, or whatever exciting things you got up to. No one will care.

I'm exactly the same. I can make conversation, be polite, engaging and pretend I'm interested in other peoples mundane nonsense. I have no desire to go into detail about what I do in my free time and I don't.