To not talk about my personal life, even if people think I’m cold or secretive?

[TheTaupeMoose]

I’m a cautious person by nature. I don’t overshare and I rarely talk about my personal life, especially in new environments. It’s not because I’m hiding anything or being rude, I just like to keep certain things private until (or unless) I really trust someone.

But I’ve noticed people get weird about it. They’ll push for details, joke that I’m “mysterious” or “guarded” or even act like I’m being standoffish. Some will open up to me and seem annoyed that I don’t do the same in return.

AIBU to think I shouldn’t have to talk about my personal life just to make others comfortable? Being cautious isn’t a crime.

I mean you are not being unreasonable but if someone asks about your weekend plans and you get all guarded and vague about it then I think it's natural that people will find that a bit strange. I mean it's just part of normal conversation, and people don't expect all the minute details. It's a friendly question to ask. Not sure what you talk about in a social capacity of you never reveal anything about your life outside work.

If it was actually working for you, then you wouldn’t need to figure out how to navigate it.

The film you watched yesterday can hardly be called personal details.

It’s really not about expecting anything dramatic to happen if I share those kinds of details, I just don’t tend to volunteer them unless I’m closer to someone. Some people chat easily about their personal routines with acquaintances, some don’t. I’m in the latter group and that’s all it is.

I am counting the minutes until someone asks whether you are you autistic, and invokes those harmful, simplistic, discriminatory tropes…

You sound completely exhausting, I am so glad you aren't on my team 🤣 it's like you have a weird pathological inability to make conversation or answer a question. I totally get people not wanting to open up about personal information eg health issues, finances, personal struggles, goals and desires and family stuff. But not wanting to share what film you watched at the weekend is quite odd. If you're happy then you do you, but this is a very unusual way to behave.

So if you say you watched a film and someone said “what film did you watch?” - how would you answer that?

It’s interesting that you started a thread on this.. presumably to discuss it.. the irony being that in your discussion your are just repeating the same comments about boundaries and privacy without giving further insight, expanding on your points or deepening the discussion.

I guess it if works for you then what’s the issue?

But how do you ever manage to get close to someone if you won't reveal the most basic details until you're there?

You’re insulating yourself against interest that is barely even there.

This.

OP, since you are comfortable with your approach, why do you see the need to ask how others navigate it? Just keep being vague if someone pushes. I did not think it get any more complicated than that. They will eventually give up, clock you and keep conversations in the shared kitchen area quite brief and perfunctory. Job Done.

How has this thread made you feel, OP?

Genuinely, why did you bother posting on AIBU? You seem completely unwilling to consider anyone else's point of view, so why ask? If you were just looking for the poll results, why give 30+ follow up posts telling us how you're definitely correct on this?

They're doing the natural thing of trying to connect and have a conversation. How was your weekend? Just out and about. O, go anywhere nice? op shuts down, considering that prying.

Op, I'm curious how old does a film need to be before you can discuss it? I presume you wouldn't discuss a film you'd seen in the first week or two it was out as that would be quite revealing as to when you'd seen it and that'd you'd been to the cinema recently

OP, I think it would be helpful if you could explain why you don't feel comfortable chatting about your weekend plans - what do you envisage happening if you share these?

For example, I generally don't feel comfortable sharing my political opinions with casual acquaintances, in case they have opposing political beliefs and it creates awkwardness.

I just think it’s crap because it makes people around you feel stupid, small, “less than”, when all theyve done is ask normal questions. That’s how the girl in my work makes me feel when I ask her something ordinary and get an evasive response.

She's keeping it light and surface level 🤣 we've not earnt her trust for a deeper discussion yet!

I actually have good, close friendships. They just developed gradually, which suits me. I’m not closed off, I just don’t fast-track personal disclosure with people I’ve only just met. The pace doesn’t stop deeper connections, it just means they build over time.

I think not chatting about the weekend plans is a bit bizarre to be honest. I don’t believe that you genuinely don’t want to talk about the weekend because you see it as some kind of invasion of privacy. I would think you don’t like other people / don’t like me in particular / don’t care for other peoples’ lives or feelings much / are incredibly shy socially. Are you sure it’s not actually one of those? What kind of ‘privacy’ is being invaded by chit chat about weekend plans? None really so I can’t see how it’s really about privacy. The fact you say you’d only save with someone you ‘know well’ makes It sounds far more likely you have a deep distrust of people and are fearful is social connection.

I think all the previous responses give you a bit of an idea of the general consensus on this one. As others have said it's a normal part of building relationships with others, even superficial work ones- we look for something we can trust in others, and I guess one of those things is a bit of transparency and feeling like we're getting to know someone on at least some level. Omitting all personal details at the outset makes this impossible.

You're right, you're entitled to your boundaries but they do seem to be significantly tighter than most people's and I'd guess this is what's causing you whatever issues brought you to post this thread in the first place.

I guess I'm curious about how you manage the general questions people ask regarding marriage, kids, work experience etc. Maybe it's worth asking yourself why it's such a boundary for you, what is it that you fear will happen if you do share this information- my guess is you've had experiences in the past that have taught you it's not safe to trust others and this level of guardedness is now your normal.

I think this is the point though. They often want to appear deep, interesting, elusive. It’s really tiresome

Your idea of 'detailed personal updates' is bizarre.

Yes, of course. I completely get it.
Saying that I went food shopping is fine. Saying that I went food shopping to Iceland or Waitrose might be too much. Not that it’s a secret but the problem is that some people are commenting/ judging / assuming etc so you don’t want to give them extra info for this. Or let’s put it differently - until you are sure that they are not judging/ commenting/ assuming type you don’t want to give them extra info.

I think some people are just making a conversation and trying to be friendly . The others are gossips. I think you need to send a message of friendliness to the former ones but it’s ok to be vague with the latter group.
Also I think you have to learn the art of asking questions to move the conversation from you. The key is to be genuinely interested and don’t ask too many questions.
But yes, I feel your pain.

So, you’re cool with your boundaries, and you don’t mind if you come across as cold or secretive. Nothing whatsoever is a problem.

And given that you don’t like to talk about anything that could be remotely personal, shall we spend the rest of this thread talking about films or politics or something?

Rather than going around in circles saying the same thing again and again about how little you are prepared to talk about, and just how much that is not a problem for you?

There’s a difference between a boundary and a wall, @TheTaupeMoose.
To answer your question, I don’t have to navigate situations like the one you described. I don’t warm up to people instantly, I am one of the most irreverent people you’re ever likely to meet, and the ‘babe, nice nails’ is not exactly a winning opening line in my book. But I don’t put up a wall, social connection is important to me.

Telling somewhat what you did on the weekend is hardly personal disclosure.

Who and where are all these people anyway clamouring to know all about you?