To not talk about my personal life, even if people think I’m cold or secretive?

[TheTaupeMoose]

I’m a cautious person by nature. I don’t overshare and I rarely talk about my personal life, especially in new environments. It’s not because I’m hiding anything or being rude, I just like to keep certain things private until (or unless) I really trust someone.

But I’ve noticed people get weird about it. They’ll push for details, joke that I’m “mysterious” or “guarded” or even act like I’m being standoffish. Some will open up to me and seem annoyed that I don’t do the same in return.

AIBU to think I shouldn’t have to talk about my personal life just to make others comfortable? Being cautious isn’t a crime.

Mostly just interested to be honest. It’s been useful seeing how differently people view boundaries. I’m fine… it’s just a discussion, not something I’m personally upset about.

I would agree with that but I'd also say it's hopeless to make friends with people who only talk about themselves.

You sound like the poster earlier this year who said they had boundaries about their personal life, they were always friendly with work colleagues and good friends with them after working together for years, then a colleague saw you one weekend and realised you had kids you had Never. Ever. Mentioned and now everyone was off with you at work and not friendly at all and you were really upset and didn’t understand why. People had thought they were your friend and suddenly realised you had kept them firmly in the people who cannot be trusted who I will be fake with basket and understandably decided fuck that.

I work with someone who is weirdly secretive. When she first joined I thought great, we have children of a similar age, that'll be something we have in common. But no, she shares nothing. I get absolutely zero reciprocal vibe from her. If I ask, she says her child doesn't tell her anything (apple not falling far from tree maybe?). If she does ask me anything about my life, I get the feeling it's not from friendliness but from some kind of sizing up process. So I've given up. I just say good morning and good night and never ask after her child who is at the same college as mine, and the same age. 🤷

This just has too much of a Chat GPT tone to it. All these slightly bland but casual, modern phrasings she's using...

The fact that you say "full personal life" is strange to me.

Using "got any plans for the weekend?" as a sample question, if you started telling me what I consider your "full personal life" I'd think that odd too.

Do you only recognise extremes?

Touché 😂

Yes this is exactly why I was so hurt by my
work colleague not allowing us to come to her house (she suggested a cafe instead). I couldn’t really articulate it but this is it. I thought we were friends. Clearly this is not the case. And I’m not desperate enough to persevere.

It's more about the pattern of behaviour - I imagine if I was your colleague, I would come to learn that you don't get up to much on the weekend, but you might be open about the holiday you've been on or that you're getting a new kitchen fitted. I would find it standoffish if you never shared any superficial details of your life

It’s none of those things. I’m not shy, fearful or distrustful. I just have a slower pace of sharing personal details than some people. Small talk isn’t invasive for you but comfort levels vary. I’m happy to chat, I just don’t treat every new acquaintance like a close friend from day one.

YANBU at ALL. When people know sensitive and personal information about you, they use it against you to hurt you when you fall out with them/stop getting on with them so much. Been burned several times in the past. I don't tell anyone anything now. They don't need to know anything private and personal. My personal and private life has got nothing to do with anyone.

" I just don’t share personal details early on. It doesn’t mean I dislike anyone or that I’m hiding anything dramatic, it’s simply how I’m wired"

The tricky bit I guess is that while you know this, others won't because you're leaving them to fill in their own blanks. As others have said that's kind of their issue but as people we tend to fill the blanks in with our own insecurities and worries at times so that's probably where the difficulty with relationships for others lies because you know they're emotionally safe with you, but they aren't really getting much from you to know that?

What I'm also wondering off the back of this , (just genuine interest because this is really different to how I approach life so trying to understand, not judging you for it) is what you consider "early on"? I get that it probably depends on the person but how long on average would you say you need to work alongside someone before you feel comfortable opening up more?

Different person - not everyone with boundaries about small talk is the same person. It sounds like you might be over-connecting threads.

Could this not have been because she felt ashamed of her house, but felt too embarrassed to say that? I know our house is tiny and I avoid having people round for that very reason....

But a film you watched at the weekend? How can that be " used against you"

No. I know where she lives and the houses are beautiful. It’s not that. It’s just what she’s like - it is on brand for her. She has always been private and guarded but I thought we had made some progress. I work very closely with her and it’s difficult when someone is that evasive which is why I did persevere.

Please don’t avoid having people over because you think your house is too small. Only a total dick would be remotely critical or judgemental of that.

I get what you mean about people filling in blanks, that’s human nature. For me early on just means before I’ve had enough time to get a sense of someone’s character. There’s no fixed timeline, it’s more about comfort and consistency. Some colleagues I warm up to quickly, others take longer but it’s a gradual process rather than something I rush. I’m not shutting people out, I just let familiarity build naturally.

@TheTaupeMoose I’m intrigued, do you ask any of your colleagues and acquaintances any questions at all. How do you get to know people? Are you genuinely interested or not interested in other people?

How come you won’t answer this question? A few people have asked now. Would you answer it anyway? Or would you change the subject?

Agreed

But how do you get to know anyone one well if you never share anything with them, do you just talk about the weather?
Or are you one of those people who expect other people to tell you about themselves then you will decide if they are good enough for you?

International woman of mystery

fair play
how exciting and intriguing

I mean you don’t have to go into detail but people will think you’re strange if you don’t casually talk about your wider life in passing. It comes across as abnormal and secretive if you’re literally refusing to say eg where you’re from/ if you have any family or friends etc.

Like if people are chatting about the weekend and ask if you’re up to something and you just smile and refuse to say anything about it you’ll come across like you have a body you’re burying in the garden.

😂😂
do you want to join over sharers anonymous with me

Promise you that nobody at work is actually that interested, or gives a monkeys about you - it’s just small talk and team cohesion x