To not talk about my personal life, even if people think I’m cold or secretive?

[TheTaupeMoose]

I’m a cautious person by nature. I don’t overshare and I rarely talk about my personal life, especially in new environments. It’s not because I’m hiding anything or being rude, I just like to keep certain things private until (or unless) I really trust someone.

But I’ve noticed people get weird about it. They’ll push for details, joke that I’m “mysterious” or “guarded” or even act like I’m being standoffish. Some will open up to me and seem annoyed that I don’t do the same in return.

AIBU to think I shouldn’t have to talk about my personal life just to make others comfortable? Being cautious isn’t a crime.

I also wonder @TheTaupeMoose if you feel that you are different. I mean e.g you are the only gay woman in the office of 6 straight women. And if in the past you’ve got people reacting negatively on that info so now you are not in hurry to give people any info on that topic.
The difference might be subtle and not important for work but you are still aware about it and your past negative experiences still affect you.

E.g. My child has additional needs. I mentioned in a group of other school mums about her struggle with late evenings. Then my daughter wasn’t invited to Halloween party and I was told : Oh I thought that as it’s late it’s a problem for you from what you’ve said.
Something along these lines.
After a couple of situations like this my answers to other school mums are getting vague and non specific, just in case.
My daughter moves to secondary but of course my pattern still continues because of my past experience.

In my experience reserved slowly moving people usually have a reason for this. But you don’t get it until you’ve been in their shoes.

That's hilarious! You feel friendly to someone after you've got a sense of their character - but deliberately block them from getting a sense of yours, other than 'closed' and 'standoffish'.

Most of us, as I'm sure you realise, welcome reciprocity in our relationships. Few of us would hang around for continued one-way character assessment. You must be making friends with people who've got a bit of a co-dependent streak. Perhaps that suits you.

I had a friend who was in a workplace where the boss had encouraged a 'baseline of sociability' was to spill your guts about anything and everything. The pantry was like zoo of shrieking laughter as though it was full of sugared up toddlers. And this boss would take my friend to task for being 'uncommunicative' and 'antisocial' and that she needed to work on her 'communication skills.'

The discrimination suffered by introverted people is well documented.

I myself find small talk hard unless im comfortable around someone but I can go to extremes, sometimes i just blurt and over share when pushed a little and other times im stand off ish. It makes making friends hard and I struggle with this because I dont really form bonds and im probably not very interesting lol I think your well in your rights not to share your world with just anyone, I dont think anyone would think bad of you because you dont share your world. Its really no one's business what is happening in your life unless you want to share..

Yeah sorry I’d find that odd. Obviously things that make sense for privacy: salary, sex and love life, personal family matters. Weekend plans, family chit chat I would find bizarre and would probably pull away and not pursue further conversation with you as I’d find it difficult to relate. But I am an over sharer so probably not the best person to judge! 🤣

You are absolutely closed off OP! You must know/realise that your level of ‘needing privacy’ is very, very extreme. You will be coming off as beyond weird. Sharing that you’re going out for coffee with friends, or going to see a show with your mum (or whatever!) is not, in any way, a cause for this extreme level of anxiety about sharing.

There's light then there's insubstantial. You're closer to the latter and I'd find it very hard to connect with someone so closed up. How would I find out about your sense of humour or hobbies or whatever if you won't mention what you do with your free time?!

Be very careful. I am like you. I worked in a place where everone was very chatty. They were ok and i have veen friends with several of them for years. But there was one person in the group who really pushed the ' friendship' , asking intrusive questions etc. I am an honest person and i did let my guard down thinking maybe i was being too standoffish, but they then used things i'd told them against me later. I realised they werent a true friend but someone who wanted yo get inside other people's heads for their own purposes. Sure enough, they bounced from one person to anither trying to work out what made everyone tick. They didnt make proper friendships. So my advice to you is only open up if you can really tell that someone is trustworthy. You dont have any obligation to tell work colleagues your business..So long as you do your wirk to a reasonable standard that is enough.

I think it’s up to you, but relationships are that bit where you meet in the middle between giving and receiving

You are right in distinguishing. Its about who you sre talking to and what their motives are in engaging with you. Some will be genuine, others will be looking to find things to gosdip about or judge. It's hard OP.

Beautifully put.

OP has actually been meticulous in not expressing "extreme anxiety" about this.

I mean, I think she's a long way up herself and annoying enough, without you needing making stuff up.

I don't think you should have to share any personal information with anyone, if you choose not to. Casual acquaintances have no right to demand that you share your personal data with them.

Having said that, I think that you might have to accept that many people will find your rather extreme commitment to privacy a bit odd. You're going against some social norms. There is nothing wrong with that at all, but people will inevitably find it a bit unusual.

I would have been someone who would have said what I did at weekend etc. but as I've gotten older the people I speak with just want to get the questionable my weekend asked as a polite chat so they can dump on me everything that's happening to them. I now say "nothing much" about my weekend and brace myself to listen to their lives. I never minded being the listener until my own life flipped and when I spoke about a parent having a stroke/cancer etc and it was glossed over I realised majority of folk don't care so stick to my inner circle for personal chat.

I’m the same op, I was bullied badly by two women at work to the point of feeling suicidal. Now I’ll share very surface stuff and that’s it. And no I don’t care if people think I’m boring. I AM boring.

Is the OP an A.I? The repetition in the responses is giving me bot vibes

You still haven't answered how conversations go if you offer that you saw a film last night and someone asks 'oh what was it?'

It makes total sense to have boundaries and open up later about more personal things when you're closer to someone - but you seem to have a strange definition of 'opening up'. Opening up is disclosing something personal, like a close family member having a terminal illness or that you're estranged from your mother. Your examples of the questions they've asked are so strange and seem to just be general chit-chat?

How do you navigate conversations that must crop up at the minute such as 'Have you watched the latest episodes of Stranger Things? What did you think?' Does this count as oversharing to you? Because I've found a lot of your posts a bit contradictory with the whole 'I'm happy to talk about movies etc. but don't want to tell people what movie I saw at the weekend'.

People probably find it difficult because I'm struggling to understand your boundaries from your explanations, it must be so difficult to figure it out when speaking to you face-to-face.

Omg, who hurt you??! 🤣

Just kidding! We are all different, and it would be boring if we weren't. Probably your need for privacy and caution is simply a core part of your personality. It's just the way you are! I don't warm to overly private people myself, maybe because I know they don't really want others warming to them! There's nothing wrong with it - it's just a different style of relating. The only thing I can think of as a negative is that you might miss out on a lot of potentially close connections over the sum of your life time.

Speaking of connection, many people are hungry for connection since humans are a social species. So maybe that's behind "pushing for details," as you put it. To them, it's about connecting with another person, whereas you find it pushy. Vive la difference.

Possibly others think you're a spy or a double agent...

Do you ask any question back? Maybe they push for details just because the conversation is going one-way and they're trying to find something to say.

I think OP is not wrong, but I also believe in balance.

It’s important to maintain a good relationship with work colleagues, and that doesn’t mean being overly sociable, talkative, or noisy. Keep communication clear and purposeful, with a hint of charm and charisma in just the right doses.

I’m naturally introverted and shy, but I become outgoing, chatty, and engaged around people I’m comfortable with. With those I don’t know well, I try not to seem cold or distant, though I come across that way because I tend to hold back. I’ll join in when others start a conversation and happily talk about ongoing topics if I have something I feel is worth sharing; otherwise, I stay quiet. I won’t share personal or intimate details with people I’m not familiar with, and I agree that there are plenty of things to talk about that don’t involve personal life.

Here’s a tip to anyone: avoid sharing intimate or financial details with anyone active on social media, including forums like Mumsnet, where many people enjoy judging, criticizing, mocking, bullying, or spreading hateful, envious, and jealous comments—and even encourage others to join in. Many have a habit of posting personal information about others, which could make you a target. That’s why it’s smart to check the social media presence of people you know before revealing anything private, to ensure they won’t broadcast your personal matters to the world.

Man, I'm autistic and hate small talk, but even I'd find this level of deflection and closed off-ness stand offish and I'd probably think that person felt they were too superior to engage with me. I'm not an oversharer at work, I avoid things like politics, but it does help to be a bit human, I don't mind chatting about hobbies, pets, holidays, bits of family life, etc.

This is why people are so bloody exhausting. You're supposed to show interest in people by asking them about themselves, but then it seems like to some people that's rude. Clearly some people like OP would find a basic follow up question if you said you'd gone to the cinema at the weekend about what movie you saw at the cinema too personal and intrusive?! How on earth are people supposed to be able to second guess what is and isn't too personal for someone with this level of discomfort with conversation?

I would probably avoid people like this, I have no time for second guessing people or being worried what sort of benign question might offend them. While the workplace chatterboxes might be a bit draining and overinclined to fill the space, at least they're easier to read!

I’d find it really weird and if I’m honest, kinda creepy. I’d feel uncomfortable working with someone like you.

Like pp, I’d wonder if you were a spy but thinking about it, a spy would know how to make small talk, build trust, and blend in.

Instead, I’d probably think you were in witness protection or that you’d just come out of prison after serving a long sentence for committing a horrible crime and didn’t want anyone to find out your real identity.

@UpTheGunners Good call! Sometimes it can seem like posts on forums like Mumsnet are written by generative AI. People sometimes argue that certain linguistic and syntactical patterns sound like the text is not written by a human.

Would you like me to break down this thread, analysing the sentiment, and assess the likelihood of the posts being AI-generated?

😉😉😉

People will fill in the blanks (incorrectly) if you don't give them any real answers.

• christ she's probably up to criminal activity on the weekends

• maybe she spent all weekend in bed crying and eating ice cream
• maybe she spent all weekend in bed wanking

There was a similar work place chat thread the other day about non chatty women getting in trouble at work.

I have learned to file small talk under my Job Requirements. Talk some delightful fluff with the people that seem to find it important so I don't get marked as a difficult employee. People love talking about themselves. I just answer "oh it was a good weekend, went for a walk, saw some friends". Then let them wax lyrical about their amazing weekend catching up with every single family member in great detail and who drank what at the pub and Friday can't come quick enough aye? Smile and say got to get back to the grind lol. And do the actual job. Sorted.

I also found it interesting why you found the need to reply to 30 people with exactly the same answer on this thread.