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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have asked for plans to be changed slightly.

320 replies

breakdown2025 · 05/12/2025 10:55

Dh and I are married and living together. 4dc between us 2 mine and 2 his.
Due to a lot of difficulties currently going on he is seeing his children in a hotel every weekend as this is what works best for them right now.
I’m really struggling mentally. I had a breakdown earlier this year and another suicidal episode 3 weeks ago. I have fully supported dh in keeping all contact with his dc during this time.
This week however I am really struggling. I asked if there was any chance he could do one night and 2 days with his children instead of 2 nights and 3 days but he point blank refused. He said this would be letting his dc down. It’s not something I’d normally ask of him but my mental health is so bad right now I’m struggling to even get out of bed.
He does also see his dc during the week.
It feels like the whole run up to the festive period is messed up as we are never together with dc to do festive things. This weekend we are putting the decorations up and dh won’t be around to join in. It feels like I’m single to be honest.
He doesn’t understand why I’m so upset. I’d never stop him seeing his children I just asked if it could be one night less this weekend just to help me get back on my feet.
AIBU?

OP posts:
BobbyShaftoWentToSeeSilverBucklesOnHisKnee · 05/12/2025 11:00

There's obviously some relevant backstory as to why they don't spend time with you at your home.

He's in a tough place, you're asking his kids and his ex and him to upend all of their plans for the weekend because you're struggling.

Do you have a friend or family member that can help support you for the day?

OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · 05/12/2025 11:02

Yabu to try to take away his time with his kids, yes.

Please don’t emotionally blackmail him either.

See your GP today if you’re struggling, that’s what they are for.

McSpoot · 05/12/2025 11:02

It feels like the whole run up to the festive period is messed up as we are never together with dc to do festive things. This weekend we are putting the decorations up and dh won’t be around to join in. It feels like I’m single to be honest.

You mean with YOUR DC. Seems that you're fine with never doing anything festive with his children. If he's with his children for two nights and three days, that leaves five night and four days to do things with YOUR children.

Original poster
breakdown2025 · 05/12/2025 11:03

BobbyShaftoWentToSeeSilverBucklesOnHisKnee · 05/12/2025 11:00

There's obviously some relevant backstory as to why they don't spend time with you at your home.

He's in a tough place, you're asking his kids and his ex and him to upend all of their plans for the weekend because you're struggling.

Do you have a friend or family member that can help support you for the day?

It’s the first time I’ve asked for this and tbh I’ve changed my plans enough times to help dh and exw.

My youngest has complex health issues and has had some bad news recently which has been really tough to deal with.

I don’t really have anyone else around other than my kids.

OP posts:
NewCushions · 05/12/2025 11:04

I feel for you in terms of your DH no tbeing around every weekend. BUT... no, you can't ask him to abandon his kids for you.

Why can't the children come to your home? I suspect there's a massive backstory here.

Original poster
breakdown2025 · 05/12/2025 11:06

McSpoot · 05/12/2025 11:02

It feels like the whole run up to the festive period is messed up as we are never together with dc to do festive things. This weekend we are putting the decorations up and dh won’t be around to join in. It feels like I’m single to be honest.

You mean with YOUR DC. Seems that you're fine with never doing anything festive with his children. If he's with his children for two nights and three days, that leaves five night and four days to do things with YOUR children.

I didn’t say my dc. I mean all the dc. It’s like living two different lives for us at the moment.

Dh is also out for one full day a week to see his dc so he ends up being away 4 days a week.

OP posts:
BobbyShaftoWentToSeeSilverBucklesOnHisKnee · 05/12/2025 11:06

breakdown2025 · 05/12/2025 11:03

It’s the first time I’ve asked for this and tbh I’ve changed my plans enough times to help dh and exw.

My youngest has complex health issues and has had some bad news recently which has been really tough to deal with.

I don’t really have anyone else around other than my kids.

Show quote history

I'm sorry to hear that, no wonder you're struggling.

I still think it's unfair to ask him to have less time with his kids, you're putting him in a very difficult situation and he can't win really.

Are you able to to to the GP today? Are you getting any help from any mental health services.

Original poster
breakdown2025 · 05/12/2025 11:07

BobbyShaftoWentToSeeSilverBucklesOnHisKnee · 05/12/2025 11:06

I'm sorry to hear that, no wonder you're struggling.

I still think it's unfair to ask him to have less time with his kids, you're putting him in a very difficult situation and he can't win really.

Are you able to to to the GP today? Are you getting any help from any mental health services.

Show quote history

I am due to start therapy Tuesday so that’s something. I have suffered with my mental health for a very long time and I know there is nothing they will help with right now sadly.

I was just hoping we could have compromised some way. Like him doing an extra day during the week instead of being away for 3 full days in a row.

Id never stop him seeing his kids.

OP posts:
McSpoot · 05/12/2025 11:08

breakdown2025 · 05/12/2025 11:06

I didn’t say my dc. I mean all the dc. It’s like living two different lives for us at the moment.

Dh is also out for one full day a week to see his dc so he ends up being away 4 days a week.

Show quote history

How would his seeing his children for one less day help you have festive activities with all the children?

OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · 05/12/2025 11:08

Can’t their father help?

You want your DC prioritised after some bad news. Thats understandable. Your DH is doing the right thing in prioritising his.

noidea69 · 05/12/2025 11:09

If he says yes to this request once, you will then start doing it more, which would put him in a bit of a shitty place.

BobbyShaftoWentToSeeSilverBucklesOnHisKnee · 05/12/2025 11:10

breakdown2025 · 05/12/2025 11:07

I am due to start therapy Tuesday so that’s something. I have suffered with my mental health for a very long time and I know there is nothing they will help with right now sadly.

I was just hoping we could have compromised some way. Like him doing an extra day during the week instead of being away for 3 full days in a row.

Id never stop him seeing his kids.

Show quote history

Is your children's dad able to have them at all?

NoisyViewer · 05/12/2025 11:10

You’re asking him to forgo time with his kids to put a tree up. even though you’re struggling he still has responsibilities to his own children where you’ve admitted there has been difficulties involved in which he now has to fork out to actually see them. Is there a chance if he breaks plans that the repercussions will be to damaging to an already fragile system? I think you need to reach out to friends and family & get yourself to the gp pronto if you feel your mood is dipping again, i get that every weekend without him is rubbish but this is just the situation you’re in

i think he’s putting his red line down. I don’t know how old his children are but I would respect this,

Original poster
breakdown2025 · 05/12/2025 11:10

McSpoot · 05/12/2025 11:08

How would his seeing his children for one less day help you have festive activities with all the children?

Show quote history

This isn’t about doing festive things with Him that was a side note of something I’m finding hard.
It’s him being away for 3 days that I’m struggling most with. I was hoping he could have maybe swapped one day this weekend for a midweek as a compromise.

I just wanted to see if I’m being unreasonable and so far it seems I am. I think maybe I’m not up to being a step mum.

OP posts:
SUPerSaver721 · 05/12/2025 11:10

Why does he need to see his children in a hotel?

searchforthesun · 05/12/2025 11:10

Why can’t his kids come to your house?
No, you can’t ask him to reduce the time spent with his children.
do your kids have a dad, grandparents, friend who could have them for a few hours to help you out?
do you have a friend who could come round so you have some support while you husband is away?
you can’t expect all the responsibility to fall on your husband, it seems like he is dealing with a lot as well. You need to find some support to back you up?
Sending hugs.

JudgeBread · 05/12/2025 11:11

It's Christmas for his kids too, not just yours. And given they're having to see him in a hotel their situation sounds difficult enough.

I'm sorry for what you're going through but yes, YABU to expect him to spend less time with his children, especially at Christmas. This is the burden you bear getting into a relationship with a man who already has children, and I'd never ever shit on a guy for prioritising time with his kids.

Bookpage · 05/12/2025 11:12

If you want time to do things with all the children, isn't the fact that they don't come to your house the issue, rather than the time he spends with them?

For whatever reason, contact with his DC seems complex atm, he's right not to want to let them down imo.

Timebudda · 05/12/2025 11:12

Its all part of being a step parent.
Mix family's is more stressful than your own.

Original poster
breakdown2025 · 05/12/2025 11:13

His kids used to love coming here. We were all very close. Something changed one weekend and it’s never been the same since. Now they just want their dad to themselves which I understand but it’s left us all in a difficult place.
In all honesty it may end up being the end of our marriage before long.

OP posts:
SallyD00lally · 05/12/2025 11:14

How long have you been married?

How old are all the kids?

Do you have any other help at all from family members when you're thinking of taking your own life?

Is the father of your kids on the scene?

shhblackbag · 05/12/2025 11:14

He's spending time with his children in a hotel because for some reason they can't stay in the house he lives in. Now you want him to shorten his time with them on top. Really unreasonable. He's prioritising his children. Good for him.

EDIT: I see they don't want to stay, but he's still right in putting them first.

purplecorkheart · 05/12/2025 11:15

I am sorry that you are struggling but I do not think it is fair to ask him to see less of his children to spend more time with your children. There is obviously a back story as to why they do not visit their father's home. It could cause these children serious damage if they are made feel that their Dad is picking to spend less time with them and more with yours.

BobbyShaftoWentToSeeSilverBucklesOnHisKnee · 05/12/2025 11:16

breakdown2025 · 05/12/2025 11:13

His kids used to love coming here. We were all very close. Something changed one weekend and it’s never been the same since. Now they just want their dad to themselves which I understand but it’s left us all in a difficult place.
In all honesty it may end up being the end of our marriage before long.

Edited

Was it something to do with you/your mental health?

NewCushions · 05/12/2025 11:16

breakdown2025 · 05/12/2025 11:13

His kids used to love coming here. We were all very close. Something changed one weekend and it’s never been the same since. Now they just want their dad to themselves which I understand but it’s left us all in a difficult place.
In all honesty it may end up being the end of our marriage before long.

Edited

So you all used to spend time together and then it just changed, for no reason that you are aware of, and everyone thinks that's fine and has been continuing accordingly?

No, I don't believe that. There's more to this story.