To have asked for plans to be changed slightly.

[breakdown2025]

Dh and I are married and living together. 4dc between us 2 mine and 2 his.
Due to a lot of difficulties currently going on he is seeing his children in a hotel every weekend as this is what works best for them right now.
I’m really struggling mentally. I had a breakdown earlier this year and another suicidal episode 3 weeks ago. I have fully supported dh in keeping all contact with his dc during this time.
This week however I am really struggling. I asked if there was any chance he could do one night and 2 days with his children instead of 2 nights and 3 days but he point blank refused. He said this would be letting his dc down. It’s not something I’d normally ask of him but my mental health is so bad right now I’m struggling to even get out of bed.
He does also see his dc during the week.
It feels like the whole run up to the festive period is messed up as we are never together with dc to do festive things. This weekend we are putting the decorations up and dh won’t be around to join in. It feels like I’m single to be honest.
He doesn’t understand why I’m so upset. I’d never stop him seeing his children I just asked if it could be one night less this weekend just to help me get back on my feet.
AIBU?

You're not exactly coming across as empathetic by putting 'breakdown' in quotes like that. What reason do you have to disbelieve OP has had a breakdown?

I put it in quotes because I was using the OP's own description and not making my own evaluation.

I know we're in the age of scare quotes but the traditional use for pairs of inverted commas is to indicate that you're repeating someone else's exact words.

Yes, I know that, thanks, I'm a copyeditor. It wasn't clear in the context of that particular post, though. Personally if I was trying to demonstrate that I was taking the OP's word for something I wouldn't put it in quotes, they're too frequently associated with sarcasm/disbelief these days.

That's lovely.

Now that I've clarified what I meant, do you have thoughts on my actual comment?

Not really, because your meaning was a bit vague.

I don't think you are being unreasonable, however, I'm not sure it's going to be possible for the family to get back to how it was. I really do empathise with you as a step parent myself to an incredibly challenging child. Luckily me and DH are on the same page when it comes to discipline and expectations, if we weren't though our marriage would not work. You absolutely have to be a united front and on the same page.

I'm sorry, ans maybe I just don't have kids old enough to understand. But this seems like really minor things. They were 5 and 6 when you got married. And your kiss were 9 and 12. Surely your children would be a bit more robust to manage the annoyance of a 5 and 6 year old? How bad could it be to have to be that a hotel room was the solution? It also sounds ridiculously expensive to keep up with ?

I have to agree with @WhereYouLeftIt this is extreme avoidance and inability to actually parent his kids on his part.

OP, I get that you don’t want your DH away from home so much, but to lay-on your own emotional needs as the reason when he’s already got the emotional needs of his children to consider is too much. He can’t be in two places at once and ofcourse his children’s needs have to take priority.
He couldn’t justify not seeing his own DC to look after you or your DC when you’re not able to, when his children are expecting him.

He should know that you’d like him home more - not to care for you or for your DC but just as your husband. You could discuss putting a plan into action so that his children start coming to the house again. Work together on the plan. With Christmas coming up, there’s plenty of ways to gradually build up to this. Days out together first, then day out with dinner at yours. Day out then a sleepover etc…

Working together on this may also improve your mental health.

I've not managed to read all previous responses so apologies if I repeat what others have said.

This is obviously a complex situation. You are being unreasonable asking him to change time with his children but are being very reasonable to put up with this hotel situation in the first place.

I have a background in child psychology and currently work as a primary teacher and have supported with complicated blended families multiple times. This is my take:

-These are still young children, and even though the divorce would have been the right choice (two happy separate parents are better than two unhappy under one roof) they won't understand it and it's pulled their world apart. Underneath their lashing out, is most likely just two very sad, insecure children. The lack of boundaries, spoiling and discipline most likely comes from a place of guilt. However, it's not solving anything and not healthy/sustainable for anyone. The hotel is just feeding into their false hope. I would make your husband speak to his children's school's pastoral team and explain the difficult time they're having and see if they can signpost you to some support services/talking therapies. There's no shame in this. Alternatively, look into private therapy asap.

-Secondly, the hotel needs to stop now. I'd understand more if it was a geographical issue or (god forbid) one set of children had made an allegation against the other and it was a safeguarding issue having them under one roof. Simply not liking their stepfamily is not a good enough reason (again - don't take this personally - deep down it's their old life they grieve and not actually about you). When you get married, you agree to do life together. Having some regular alone time with dad is great but that would be a weekly lunch/bowling/cinema trip. That money could be going towards a lovely family holiday... or therapy. He shouldn't have made the commitment to marry you if he can't commit to support his children adjust to you being a part of the family

• Ultimately, if husband isn't willing to prioritise making your family unit work and seriously work on changing his children's behaviour and attitudes, then I think you would find yourself much happier separated and living independently with your own children.

if you are with someone with children their children’s needs always come first. You are struggling which is unfortunate but whilst you can expect support from your husband you can’t expect that at the expense of time with his children. In your situation you need to leave him. It’s not working for you and he shouldn’t have to choose.

on a personal note the biggest green flag dating someone as a single parent was that he put his son first always. And I long for my XH to do the same with our children.

Thank you for all the replies. It’s been really helpful to see both sides and to put things into perspective.
Dh and his children came back to the house yesterday lunch time and we had a big long chat with everyone. We’ve put some new boundaries in place and we were all able to have a nice afternoon/evening together. They stayed the night too.
Im hoping we can slowly piece things back together.

Excellent post

And good to read your update, OP

Fantastic. Hopefully things can start to go back to when it was happier.

That is excellent news @breakdown2025 , I hope things continue to improve for you .

Apparently so. Because she wasn't happy with his kids staring at her kids.

That's a really encouraging update, OP, fingers crossed it's the start of better times.

This is not it 🤦‍♀️

Thats literally what you said. They were staring at your kids and creeping them out.