To have asked for plans to be changed slightly.

[breakdown2025]

Dh and I are married and living together. 4dc between us 2 mine and 2 his.
Due to a lot of difficulties currently going on he is seeing his children in a hotel every weekend as this is what works best for them right now.
I’m really struggling mentally. I had a breakdown earlier this year and another suicidal episode 3 weeks ago. I have fully supported dh in keeping all contact with his dc during this time.
This week however I am really struggling. I asked if there was any chance he could do one night and 2 days with his children instead of 2 nights and 3 days but he point blank refused. He said this would be letting his dc down. It’s not something I’d normally ask of him but my mental health is so bad right now I’m struggling to even get out of bed.
He does also see his dc during the week.
It feels like the whole run up to the festive period is messed up as we are never together with dc to do festive things. This weekend we are putting the decorations up and dh won’t be around to join in. It feels like I’m single to be honest.
He doesn’t understand why I’m so upset. I’d never stop him seeing his children I just asked if it could be one night less this weekend just to help me get back on my feet.
AIBU?

Oh wow. I've just realised his DC are the younger ones. I said previously this sounds like fairly normal sibling behaviour (can you really say your two were never like that together? ). Banning 8&9yos from the house for winding up teen step siblings seems something of an over reaction.

Also, I think you're putting too much weight on the wedding photos, it's more likely the change in behaviour came from them reaching an age where this kind of wind up behaviour happens, and has been increased by your reaction to it.

I have always been respectful and left dh to parent his children with me there to support him.
We sat down together as we could see weekends together was not working. We wanted him to see his dc just as much and we couldn’t see any other way around it.
We were hoping a reset and rebuild slowly would be a good plan. Now I’m not so sure.

And no-one could deal with this pretty normal step sibling behaviour?

What if they were all full siblings?

Would your DH move 50% of the kids into a hotel?

Why aren't his kids at yours when your kids are at their dad's?

Do have gone from what felt like a dream blend to this had thrown us both tbh. We just want to make things better and we are at a loss what to do. It took a year of struggling to get to this stage.

That's what happens when you have 4 kids from 15-8yo in it.

That sounds so stressful and quite unsustainable. I hope you all find a way to make things work

However, I share parenting of my two eldest with ex-DH. He is lovely and we have an excellent co-parenting relationship. I can think of few to no reasons that I would ever spend fewer nights with my DC. It is imperative for me that they always know they are my priority. I cannot think of a circumstance in which my current DH would ask that of me. Where would my DC even go for that night? They are my responsibility

I think you guys need to come up with another way to ensure you are supported and I am afraid YABU

No you aren't being unreasonable to ask him to make a change for 1 day. He sees them every weekend for 3 days so it's not as though he's hardly spending time with them.

If there is one thing guaranteed to make plans for a reset fail, it is your husband becoming unreliable and changing plans to be with his children at the last minute.

Have you considered family therapy with both sets of children, see if you can find a way to compromise and help everyone get along?

Yes I did suggest this to dh a few months ago. I think we need to look into it for the new year.

8 and 9 year olds are pretty bloody annoying OP; sounds like it was pretty standard sibling behaviour.

Anyway... I'm sorry you're struggling, and it would be nice if you could come to some kind of compromise so that your safety is not at risk.
If you want to decorate the house, can they not just come over for a couple of hours to do that? Then another day maybe all go out for lunch together? Go to the cinemas together (low pressure for social interactions)? Are you coming together at all at the moment, or staying completely separate?

Completely separate at the moment. It’s been 4 weeks since we were all together last.

The tone of your posts towards your step children is going downhill. I find it har dto hbelieve that a few wedding photos caused this increasingly terrible behaviour considering their parents had been separated since they were toddlers and supposedly everythign was fine with the blended family before that.

Also that there was no way to improve things.

So either you'r ebeing harsh. Or your DH is a very ineffective parent. Or both.

But I think if it's got this bad, I don't see it improving any time soon.

This is a very good point. Surely doing this would help you maintain a relationship with the kids and also reinforce that they have a home where their father lives.

The behaviour sounds like normal sibling behaviour. My mother actually told me and my brother off in the car yesterday afternoon for winding each other up ..we're both well into our 30s 🙈

It wasn’t just a few wedding photos someone on the other side has been talking to them about it. Sc now see me as the reason their parents can’t get back together.

Aldo dh is a great step dad but when it comes to doing actual parenting he struggles. He never follows through on consequences to behaviour.

The step kids are school age so seeing them an extra day mid week would presumably be considerably less time with their father, unless it was a Friday swapped.
From reading your posts I'd have to agree, it sounds like seeing them in the hotel has made things worse and reinforced their position ie they acted out and now they get to pretend you don't exist.
Is the problem actually that your husband does not have good boundaries with them and doesn't correct them when they act out? Were there no consequences for them? I would have let my kids retreat to their own rooms when the step kids were there if they didn't like their presence, they would only need to interact with them on family days out / activities together and dinner times, all of which are supervised and step kids behaviour is witnessed by their parent who should correct them when necessary.
Is it not possible to bring them back into the family home under those sort of conditions?

NC for this.

OP moving into a hotel to see his kids 3 days a week seems really strange behaviour.

attempting suicide is extremely serious

I’m wondering whether he has taken his children away for this reason. It is very scary for children to be exposed to serious mental health problems. My DH suffers with schizophrenia and there are times when he needs to leave the house because I can’t have the children exposed to his behaviour.

it’s not a punishment it’s about what’s appropriate for children.

the cost of this must be astronomical- there must be more to it.

if your children are going to be there you aren’t going to get a break anyway, so what’s the thinking behind asking him to cancel his time with his?

also eta it’s interesting that you pull out your SC poor behavior with iPads and lack of rules from their shit parents. They are at a distinct advantage to your children due to being shielded from witnessing serious mental illness. I think it’s quite telling that you are choosing to tell us how poorly behaved they are.

I think this needs to be answered. Your kids are away EOW, so why aren't his coming to stay at the house on those weekends?

Why are family suddenly keen to push a relationship that ended nearly a decade ago?

"I’d never stop him seeing his children" you say while you are trying to stop him seeing his children......... You are being unreasonable and I do wonder why they don't come to stay at your house........

Every week he spends 4 out of 7 days away from home? Bonkers. Presumably he works aswell.

He's rewarded their behaviour with fun holidays every weekend to the extent that his wife is struggling so much and wants to kill herself.

Yeah that's not a marriage. At all. What's he actually contributing to your life? Besides more washing in the laundry basket?

The kids need integrating back into the home and a firm stance taken on bad behaviour. This is our home. We are your family. That isn't changing. The important thing with kids is to show that their place in your family and your love is unconditional. Being turfed out to a hotel actually won't be helping them either.

If your H thinks it's easier for him to spend most of his time at a hotel than disciplin his kids while his wife is suicidal then he's no husband.

Aldo dh is a great step dad but when it comes to doing actual parenting he struggles. He never follows through on consequences to behaviour.
well at the moment he is letting his children run his life for him . You need to tell your husband that this is unsustainable @breakdown2025 and the kids either come to your home or they don’t , this hotel nonsense has to stop . If they don’t want to visit then he will just have to see them during the day and then drop them back at their mums . Ridiculous carry on .I hope you get the help you need @breakdown2025

Dh does not follow through on consequences which doesn’t help. He actually told sc if their behaviour didn’t improve they wouldn’t be able to come here any more and they would have less time with him. That was on him nothing to do with me. Now they have acted out and the consequences are they they don’t come here but still get the same time with dad so the full consequences (which were probably unfair) have not been followed through. So sc know they can walk all over their dad.
On the other hand they have seen me follow through on all consequences for my children like tech bans etc.

Right, so you need to make arrangements with your kids dad so that he can have them while your step children visit.

That way you can reintroduce them to your home slowly.