To have asked for plans to be changed slightly.

[breakdown2025]

Dh and I are married and living together. 4dc between us 2 mine and 2 his.
Due to a lot of difficulties currently going on he is seeing his children in a hotel every weekend as this is what works best for them right now.
I’m really struggling mentally. I had a breakdown earlier this year and another suicidal episode 3 weeks ago. I have fully supported dh in keeping all contact with his dc during this time.
This week however I am really struggling. I asked if there was any chance he could do one night and 2 days with his children instead of 2 nights and 3 days but he point blank refused. He said this would be letting his dc down. It’s not something I’d normally ask of him but my mental health is so bad right now I’m struggling to even get out of bed.
He does also see his dc during the week.
It feels like the whole run up to the festive period is messed up as we are never together with dc to do festive things. This weekend we are putting the decorations up and dh won’t be around to join in. It feels like I’m single to be honest.
He doesn’t understand why I’m so upset. I’d never stop him seeing his children I just asked if it could be one night less this weekend just to help me get back on my feet.
AIBU?

Yes but the OP already has their father's company more than his children do.

I don’t need help with my kids.
I feel like I have a part time husband right now. If we split at least I’d know where I stand.

Okay I understand you. If you think divorce through with the practicalities of housing etc do you feel life would be better?

I'm going against the grain here - yanbu.
It's unsustainable for him to spend these weekends in a hotel - completely ridiculous actually. I'm all for dads seeing their dc, but this is too much.
I was a step child from the age of 9 and the thought of my dad leaving the home with stepmum for a whole weekend with us - well there's just no way it ever would've happened!
Good luck OP - and I hope you feel better soon.

You do have a part-time husband due to his ineffective parenting and not being able to handle two small kids, winding up their older step-siblings.

If every parent in his position made the kids stay in hotels rather than deal with it, there's be a massive boom in the leisure industry.

We private rent so no issues there and I am the main bread winner. I’d actually be better off financially. Deep down my head doesn’t think we can get through it but my heart is clinging on as we have something so special.

It all sounds pretty tough, OP. Ultimately, if the family set-up isn't working (and it sounds like you've all been trying for a while?), then maybe you need to consider splitting up.

I'm not someone who thinks blended families are bad and you shouldn't move in together if you have kids, I think there are so many different situations. It works for some, and doesn't work for others. In your case, it doesn't seem to have worked.

So split?

You either don't want his kids in your house and/or you made them feel so unwelcome that they don't want to be there.

Your H has responsibilities as their father, so he stays away every weekend in order to fulfil those responsibilities.

So he is going to be a part time husband, inevitably?

It doesn't sound like there is any realistic prospect of you playing happy families any time soon, so you either decide to live with the status quo or you decide to leave.

It isn't reasonable to start demanding that your H spends less time with his dc in order to support your mental health. You are an adult and they are dependant children. Their needs have to come first.

You say your DSC see you as the obstacle to their parents getting together again, and that someone made trouble by showing them photos of their parents' wedding. But I’m not convinced that either of those things is the case. I think showing them the photos was a perfectly natural thing to do, and surely your DH could easily explain to them that he and their mother split up long before he met you (assuming that’s true) and that there is no prospect whatsoever of the two of them getting back together.

I hope things improve for you soon, but asking your DH to spend less time with his young children so he can spend more time with you would give them further cause to resent you.

I was a step child from the age of 9 and the thought of my dad leaving the home with stepmum for a whole weekend with us - well there's just no way it ever would've happened!

I'm sorry to hear that.

This dad is at least doing all he can to see his children while they're not allowed to stay at his house.

And I'm still not sure the OP has told us the full extent of why he's taken this rather extreme measure.

It doesn’t sound special at all. It sounds substandard to an average marriage

Given the age of your kids, can they stay home while you go out with husband and his kids for lunch? I'm not only thinking of reintegration plans, but most importantly, just trying to get you through this weekend while you're struggling, by not having you alone for long periods.

That could be an option but considering they don’t seem to want me around right now it could push my mental health further.

Honestly, cut your losses.

It isn't "special". You're unhappy to the point that you have previously felt suicidal. He is absent for half of the week. Your kids can't even be in the same space together.

This is not a happy way to live. You have no shared property, no shared children and no financial dependency. Just walk away... you will probably feel an immense sense of relief.

What are your own kid's feelings on it all OP, you haven't said much about them?

Are they happy you got married?

How do they react when their much younger step siblings wind them up?

WHY was it so bad that your SC had to stay in a hotel rather than at your house?

What was 'unsustainable' about a bit of step sibling rivalry that this extreme and expensive measure had to be taken?

It’s not really changing plans though, it’s reducing contact with his children

Do you think this relationship (the reality of it) is helping your MH or impairing it?

I think in your husband's shoes I'd be walking away from the marriage. Presumably there are financial reasons he doesn't, as you're the higher earner. Who's paying for this hotel?

Did one of your children do something to them? For things to change so drastically where they won’t even come to your home is an enormous red flag.

So... have the kids actually said they want their mum and dad back together? And has their dad explained that actually their parent's separation is nothing to do with "breakdown2025", and that even if she wasn't in the picture, they wouldn't get back together?

I don't think you're being unreasonable, but I don't think the marriage is working any more.
If your DH can't rearrange one day when you are feeling suicidal, there is no point dragging this out. Separate houses, get divorced, maybe go back to dating each other.
But these children are still young and you have years of this ahead if you don't step away.
And I'm not sure it's fair on you to try and hold it all together.

The hotel thing is stupid, especially as your kids aren’t home every other weekend, you should just go out on those weekends. Huge mistake on his part to shop his kids coming to his home. His perspective on this would be quite interesting, he’s trying to see his kids, who he’s just stopped allowing to his home, whilst supporting you through a suicidal episode that nobody else knows about, why does nobody else know? Does he have support in place? He is absolutely right not to reduce contact with his own children, especially after the damage that has already been done.

Yes the children have said this when asked. They have been asking the parents to hug together with them at drop offs. They have been clearly told this won’t happen and that their divorce was nothing to do with me. I met their dad a year after the separation. Even after a long chat with their dad last weekend they tried to get him to go in at drop off and spend time with their mum and them.

No need to be sorry - I had a fantastic relationship with my lovely dad!

This is just it. If I’d have said I asked him to rearrange one night because I was in hospital or something physical then I’m sure people would have a different opinion. I don’t think it’s a bad thing to want the company of the adult you love most when you’re struggling.