To have asked for plans to be changed slightly.

[breakdown2025]

Dh and I are married and living together. 4dc between us 2 mine and 2 his.
Due to a lot of difficulties currently going on he is seeing his children in a hotel every weekend as this is what works best for them right now.
I’m really struggling mentally. I had a breakdown earlier this year and another suicidal episode 3 weeks ago. I have fully supported dh in keeping all contact with his dc during this time.
This week however I am really struggling. I asked if there was any chance he could do one night and 2 days with his children instead of 2 nights and 3 days but he point blank refused. He said this would be letting his dc down. It’s not something I’d normally ask of him but my mental health is so bad right now I’m struggling to even get out of bed.
He does also see his dc during the week.
It feels like the whole run up to the festive period is messed up as we are never together with dc to do festive things. This weekend we are putting the decorations up and dh won’t be around to join in. It feels like I’m single to be honest.
He doesn’t understand why I’m so upset. I’d never stop him seeing his children I just asked if it could be one night less this weekend just to help me get back on my feet.
AIBU?

Married 3 years. His dc are 8&9 and mine are 12&15.

My kids dad is around and he has my dc eow and one mid week night. He’s also going through a really tough so I can’t put any more on him.

It seems from most posters that I was being unreasonable. I never want to take time from his kids I was just hoping we could have done it more spaced out just this one week.

He would be very unreasonable to cut his contact with his children for the sake of a relationship which seems unlikely to last much longer anyway.

I'm really unsure what's going on as you have not said why his children can't come to your house?

OP im really sorry you're going through a hard time, but can I ask, are you the poster who previously had a suicidal episode when the children werent around and now DPs ex isnt keen on/the children arent comfortable being at the house with you? If you are, I understand it must be painful for you but it is relevant and might affect the advice you get. Im so sorry to hear you and your son are having such a roughntime at the moment.

But a midweek day is not equivalent to a weekend day. The kids are 8 and 9 so they’ll be at school on the midweek day.

I wondered that as well. Difficult for children.

No not at all. Somebody on their side of the family started showing photos of the parents wedding and just really stirring things up. That along with them getting older has made them just what their mum and dad back together. This then made their behaviour at our home unsustainable. We tried for a year to make it work but it was just causing everyone so much upset when they were here so we’ve done what we thought was the only alternative we had.

You could ask your ex to change the times that he has your kids so that the time at home between your DH and your kids overlaps more and you aren't asking your DH and his children to see each less.

It sounds very tricky OP.
Who is looking after your 2 children on the weekends if you can barely get out of bed?

This. What you asked was not fair.

Sorry but tough as it is for you it’s not fair to emotionally blackmail him like that. He can’t be your only option for any form of support. He sounds like a good parent and asking him to pick between his DC and you won’t end well.

No that is not me. Nobody knows about my suicidal episode other than my dh and I didn’t attempt I just shut down and wanted to.

What was the behaviour that was unsustainable?

That does sound difficult.

I think you should probably ask your ex if he's available to give you a break this weekend, regardless of him going through anything, you are also going through something. You've asked your dp, but not their dad, which is quite unfair.

In the long term this is all unsustainable though, 10 years of having half the time in a hotel and half at home, that's got to be expensive as well as emotionally draining. What's the plan moving forward.

But that’s exactly what you are asking. He should, quite rightly, put his DC before anyone else as you should put your DC first too. Why does he not see his DC at his/your house?

It’s not really clear what you want your DH to stay home for. Emotional support? To help look after your DC as you’re struggling to get out of bed? It’s very difficult to have poor MH, but it’s also extremely difficult for the people living with them. You can’t be fully dependent on him when he has his own children who are depending on him.

Hopefully therapy helps.

The plan was to do like a reset. So give them some time with their dad and then slowly start doing things together and building back up to them coming here again.
But I’m worried it’s having the opposite effect.

No, of course you can't ask that, how unfair!

You don't have joint dc at home, so I'm not clear what you need help with? Are you wanting him to care for your dc? Can you set up things in advance to make it easier, e.g. ready meals the dc can help themselves to?

If you can't get out of bed to care for your dc then you need an urgent gp referral and perhaps a conversation with ss for early help.

I would need to understand more about why the kids are no longer able to come to your house before I could say whether you're being unreasonable.

It must be pretty expensive spending 2 nights in a hotel every week, so you wouldn't do that without good reason. Especially not if it also meant missing time with your wife and other children.

It feels like we don't really know the whole story here, so I reserve judgement.

It’s nothing to do with my needing help with my dc. It’s to have his emotional support and company.

I can see from replies that was wrong of me.

I wish you had posted this in 'Stepparenting' where you'd get opinions from people who have similar challenges (could MN move this thread?) It is not normal for the children to have Dad to themselves in a hotel. So YANBU. In a blended family, everyone has to blend, including the First Family children.

I have answered this further up x

Thank you for this. Maybe I’ll do a duplicate post in step parenting.

OP you want a compromise but it’s not your DH who would be compromising (not in isolation at least) it would be his children, if the roles were reversed would you be happy for your children to see their mum or dad less because the new spouse was mentally struggling?

This is one of those set ups and situations where children have to be the priority, and you’re going to need to find support and resolution elsewhere or in a different way.

Can he take a day off work to support you instead? As others have said he shouldn’t bail on his kids as it has a huge knock on effect on them and potentially his ex-wife maybe has a new family too so it balloons outwards?

you need to work on your mental health as you already seem to know. But also on your support network if this is the foreseeable future.