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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have asked for plans to be changed slightly.

320 replies

breakdown2025 · 05/12/2025 10:55

Dh and I are married and living together. 4dc between us 2 mine and 2 his.
Due to a lot of difficulties currently going on he is seeing his children in a hotel every weekend as this is what works best for them right now.
I’m really struggling mentally. I had a breakdown earlier this year and another suicidal episode 3 weeks ago. I have fully supported dh in keeping all contact with his dc during this time.
This week however I am really struggling. I asked if there was any chance he could do one night and 2 days with his children instead of 2 nights and 3 days but he point blank refused. He said this would be letting his dc down. It’s not something I’d normally ask of him but my mental health is so bad right now I’m struggling to even get out of bed.
He does also see his dc during the week.
It feels like the whole run up to the festive period is messed up as we are never together with dc to do festive things. This weekend we are putting the decorations up and dh won’t be around to join in. It feels like I’m single to be honest.
He doesn’t understand why I’m so upset. I’d never stop him seeing his children I just asked if it could be one night less this weekend just to help me get back on my feet.
AIBU?

OP posts:
Nancylancy · 05/12/2025 12:05

I don't think it's unreasonable to ask for some time alone, as a one-off ask, with your DH to support his wife during a mental health crisis. Surely this will make a huge difference to your mental health and not so much to the children who may be able to swap for another day, or just spend one extra day with their mum. People that would begrudge this are heartless in my opinion. If it was a physical problem such as you had flu and needed looking after, or had a minor op or something it wouldn't be a problem. Why is mental health any different?
I despair at the lack of compassion people seem to have sometimes.

NewCushions · 05/12/2025 12:05

I'm sorry OP because I think you are struggling but your story just doesn't make sense so I think I'm out. First it was a sudden shift over one weekend. Then it was over a year. Then it was someone showing some pictures. Now it's someone talking about it at length (why? that makes no sense anyway). As others have said, they could come when your DC aren't there. If your Dh is an ineffective parent, he's an ineffective parent and that won't change.

I hope you get some help and life improves for you.

NoisyViewer · 05/12/2025 12:06

breakdown2025 · 05/12/2025 11:16

Married 3 years. His dc are 8&9 and mine are 12&15.

My kids dad is around and he has my dc eow and one mid week night. He’s also going through a really tough so I can’t put any more on him.

It seems from most posters that I was being unreasonable. I never want to take time from his kids I was just hoping we could have done it more spaced out just this one week.

Show quote history

You’ve wrote about how his 8 & 9 yo are terrorising your 12 & 15yo’s. Your children are becoming young adults his kids are children. I wouldn’t think they’re terrorising your much older children. Could you have made genuine cheekiness more sinister? Are you sure your kids are blameless. Teens do like to wide younger kids up.

Titasaducksarse · 05/12/2025 12:08

Could his children be reintroduced to your home when your children aren't there. Perhaps that would take the pressure off. Just him and them. Then you be there too then your children.
Hotel stays aren't practical or cost effective long term.

Sartre · 05/12/2025 12:08

I think with you being in a vulnerable state anyway, asking for help on AIBU probably isn’t the wisest. In the kindest way possible, I recommend asking for the thread to be removed or at least just leaving it. You’re already fragile, arguing back and forth with strangers on the internet won’t improve this.

Original poster
breakdown2025 · 05/12/2025 12:09

NewCushions · 05/12/2025 12:05

I'm sorry OP because I think you are struggling but your story just doesn't make sense so I think I'm out. First it was a sudden shift over one weekend. Then it was over a year. Then it was someone showing some pictures. Now it's someone talking about it at length (why? that makes no sense anyway). As others have said, they could come when your DC aren't there. If your Dh is an ineffective parent, he's an ineffective parent and that won't change.

I hope you get some help and life improves for you.

Sorry if im not explaining it very well. What I meant by they changed one weekend it was that the weekend before they came over and everything was great. The next weekend they had completely changed. This has then been going on for a year. Trying to understand what’s going on and what they are struggling with.
I have no idea why someone is doing this with the photos and the talking, I really don’t get it and enter does my dh.

OP posts:
Original poster
breakdown2025 · 05/12/2025 12:10

Titasaducksarse · 05/12/2025 12:08

Could his children be reintroduced to your home when your children aren't there. Perhaps that would take the pressure off. Just him and them. Then you be there too then your children.
Hotel stays aren't practical or cost effective long term.

Yes I think this is the best way forward.

OP posts:
NoisyViewer · 05/12/2025 12:11

breakdown2025 · 05/12/2025 11:50

I have always been respectful and left dh to parent his children with me there to support him.
We sat down together as we could see weekends together was not working. We wanted him to see his dc just as much and we couldn’t see any other way around it.
We were hoping a reset and rebuild slowly would be a good plan. Now I’m not so sure.

Show quote history

From your DH perspective his kids are now not allowed in his own home. I can’t imaging not being able to provide a place for them to visit, to you now asking for less contact as you’re not happy seeing him less. It doesn’t feel like you’re supporting him seeing his kids. He’s jumping a few hurdles as far as I can see

SallyD00lally · 05/12/2025 12:11

breakdown2025 · 05/12/2025 12:04

Dh does not follow through on consequences which doesn’t help. He actually told sc if their behaviour didn’t improve they wouldn’t be able to come here any more and they would have less time with him. That was on him nothing to do with me. Now they have acted out and the consequences are they they don’t come here but still get the same time with dad so the full consequences (which were probably unfair) have not been followed through. So sc know they can walk all over their dad.
On the other hand they have seen me follow through on all consequences for my children like tech bans etc.

Show quote history

He actually told sc if their behaviour didn’t improve they wouldn’t be able to come here any more and they would have less time with him.

What a bastard.

So rather than parent his kids effectively, he's told them if they don't behave they'll see even less of him, while he's living as a family with someone else's kids?

Jesus, no wonder they're acting up.

ACynicalDad · 05/12/2025 12:15

I think this is very hard, you did know about these children before you married and had more kids. If you couldn't make it work it would be even more challenging for him to see all his kids, but I'd not want to use that as leverage.

Original poster
breakdown2025 · 05/12/2025 12:17

ACynicalDad · 05/12/2025 12:15

I think this is very hard, you did know about these children before you married and had more kids. If you couldn't make it work it would be even more challenging for him to see all his kids, but I'd not want to use that as leverage.

No dc together. Youngest two his eldest two mine.

OP posts:
EuclidianGeometryFan · 05/12/2025 12:19

Our home is very different to their mothers. At her house they had mobile phones at 6 with no restrictions, Xbox, switch and tablet all in the same year. In my home kids don’t get a phone until they are in secondary school an there are more boundaries so to speak.

dh is a great step dad but when it comes to doing actual parenting he struggles.

He never follows through on consequences to behaviour.
He actually told sc if their behaviour didn’t improve they wouldn’t be able to come here any more and they would have less time with him

This is the issue.
Look at it from their point of view. They come to visit dad, and are in a house with no tech toys, bored, with boundaries that they don't like.
DH fails to spend enough quality time with them to make up for the loss of tech entertainment (an almost impossible task given how tech destroys motivation, enjoyment, and attention spans).
DH is inconsistent in parenting, makes empty threats, and now the result is they get two nights a week at a hotel.
I am sure the hotel is great fun - what a novelty for children. Is breakfast included? A full buffet? Even better. And they get dad all to themselves, going on outings and fun trips.
Do they get to bring their tech toys to the hotel?

I can't see any way back from this.
Unfortunately you have married a man who is not good at parenting, and who has children from a very different home background.

(Children can learn to adapt to two very different homes with different rules and expectations, but it takes a lot of consistent work from the adults in each home to make it clear "this house, these rules" and not back down.)

Your mental health is a separate issue. You cannot and should not lean too heavily on DH to support you in this - you have to deal with it yourself.

Would you actually feel happier if you and DH permanently split homes?
You can carry on the relationship, just have two homes. Then his DC don't need to be in your home. Then in a decade or so when they leave home, you and DH can move back in together.
The cost of a hotel two nights every week must be not far off the cost of him renting another home for himself and his DC.

cranberryhaddock · 05/12/2025 12:20

ClawedButler · 05/12/2025 11:36

Gently, YABU.

Your mental health does matter, but you need to find ways to support it that don't depend solely on your DH and DCs. That's not healthy, that's dependency. You need to speak to a GP urgently - therapy starts next week, so that's one thing, but be aware that it will feel for a long time that it isn't working, it isn't doing anything - trust in the process and give it time. Your DH is not a therapist or a rock to cling to, he's a human being who can offer support and understanding but cannot 'fix' or rescue you.

His children haven't done anything wrong, they don't deserve to have the limited time they have with their dad cut even shorter.

But surely in a marriage there are times when people need to put their partner first? It can't be children first at all times regardless of the adults' needs, or at least I don't think it should be. It doesn't kill a child to realise that sometimes adults have things going on that mean it can't be about them all the time.

OP, it sounds very hard. Personally I don't think YANBU at all to ask that sometimes your needs should come first. 💐

MrsBennetsPoorNervesAreBack · 05/12/2025 12:20

Honestly, if you have no shared kids, his primary responsibility is to his dc and not to you.

It doesn't sound like there is much future in the relationship tbh. You're not on the same page re parenting. You obviously don't like his kids. You can't all even be in the same house together.

Time to cut your losses and leave. Focus on improving your own mental health and on parenting your children.

KittyFinlay · 05/12/2025 12:20

You cannot ask DH to prioritise your mental health over his children.

However, it sounds like the real issue is that he's a weak and ineffectual parent.

They aren't behaving well at your house so he rewards them by letting them live in a hotel half the week?! What?!

logsahc · 05/12/2025 12:20

I know you’re mentally fragile right now but I think you have to seriously consider if this marriage can work. It sounds like all the children struggled when you blended, this set up obviously isn’t going to be sustainable long term (though I applaud the attempt at keeping the contact time going). I just think there has to be acceptance sometimes that love can’t conquer all, you’re parents first and spouses second in a set up like this, I think you need to do what’s best for the kids and live separately. I know that’s not what you want to hear right now, but I just don’t think this situation is going to work for anyone, and re-blending might be preferable for you but sounds like it’ll be hugely disruptive to all the kids.

Original poster
breakdown2025 · 05/12/2025 12:22

cranberryhaddock · 05/12/2025 12:20

But surely in a marriage there are times when people need to put their partner first? It can't be children first at all times regardless of the adults' needs, or at least I don't think it should be. It doesn't kill a child to realise that sometimes adults have things going on that mean it can't be about them all the time.

OP, it sounds very hard. Personally I don't think YANBU at all to ask that sometimes your needs should come first. 💐

Show quote history

Thank you. I’ve not asked for this before it is a one off. X

OP posts:
McSpoot · 05/12/2025 12:23

ACynicalDad · 05/12/2025 12:15

I think this is very hard, you did know about these children before you married and had more kids. If you couldn't make it work it would be even more challenging for him to see all his kids, but I'd not want to use that as leverage.

They don’t have any joint children.

MrsBennetsPoorNervesAreBack · 05/12/2025 12:23

cranberryhaddock · 05/12/2025 12:20

But surely in a marriage there are times when people need to put their partner first? It can't be children first at all times regardless of the adults' needs, or at least I don't think it should be. It doesn't kill a child to realise that sometimes adults have things going on that mean it can't be about them all the time.

OP, it sounds very hard. Personally I don't think YANBU at all to ask that sometimes your needs should come first. 💐

Show quote history

But how far does that go?

He has responsibility for his kids every weekend. He has already made adjustments to help the OP by taking them to a hotel every single weekend. He can't just decide not to parent them though.

logsahc · 05/12/2025 12:23

cranberryhaddock · 05/12/2025 12:20

But surely in a marriage there are times when people need to put their partner first? It can't be children first at all times regardless of the adults' needs, or at least I don't think it should be. It doesn't kill a child to realise that sometimes adults have things going on that mean it can't be about them all the time.

OP, it sounds very hard. Personally I don't think YANBU at all to ask that sometimes your needs should come first. 💐

Show quote history

Not in a second marriage no I don’t think so, I think it’s different. In a first marriage you’re supporting the spouse and the children’s parent, in a second marriage your own children are losing out due to a new partner and I just don’t think that’s the same.

WarrenTofficier · 05/12/2025 12:24

You seem fully confident that the tension in the home is 100% from his children. Are you honestly, genuinely able to say that your children are completely the victims and there is no 50/50? No winding up of the SC by your DC?

Original poster
breakdown2025 · 05/12/2025 12:24

EuclidianGeometryFan · 05/12/2025 12:19

Our home is very different to their mothers. At her house they had mobile phones at 6 with no restrictions, Xbox, switch and tablet all in the same year. In my home kids don’t get a phone until they are in secondary school an there are more boundaries so to speak.

dh is a great step dad but when it comes to doing actual parenting he struggles.

He never follows through on consequences to behaviour.
He actually told sc if their behaviour didn’t improve they wouldn’t be able to come here any more and they would have less time with him

This is the issue.
Look at it from their point of view. They come to visit dad, and are in a house with no tech toys, bored, with boundaries that they don't like.
DH fails to spend enough quality time with them to make up for the loss of tech entertainment (an almost impossible task given how tech destroys motivation, enjoyment, and attention spans).
DH is inconsistent in parenting, makes empty threats, and now the result is they get two nights a week at a hotel.
I am sure the hotel is great fun - what a novelty for children. Is breakfast included? A full buffet? Even better. And they get dad all to themselves, going on outings and fun trips.
Do they get to bring their tech toys to the hotel?

I can't see any way back from this.
Unfortunately you have married a man who is not good at parenting, and who has children from a very different home background.

(Children can learn to adapt to two very different homes with different rules and expectations, but it takes a lot of consistent work from the adults in each home to make it clear "this house, these rules" and not back down.)

Your mental health is a separate issue. You cannot and should not lean too heavily on DH to support you in this - you have to deal with it yourself.

Would you actually feel happier if you and DH permanently split homes?
You can carry on the relationship, just have two homes. Then his DC don't need to be in your home. Then in a decade or so when they leave home, you and DH can move back in together.
The cost of a hotel two nights every week must be not far off the cost of him renting another home for himself and his DC.

They do have tech here. They have an iPad but apparently it’s not good enough. They also have a tv with access to Netflix and Disney plus. Dh admitted they are very materialistic as they are ‘spoilt’ at mums house.
When they were here dh did lots with them. Playing games, toys, park visits, the library.
I think they just prefer being sat in front of tech all day and not going out which is what their mother does with them.

OP posts:
Bookpage · 05/12/2025 12:25

What's happening about the behaviour of relatives who have apparently caused all this?

I think it's too easy to blame them and DH's DC.

Original poster
breakdown2025 · 05/12/2025 12:26

Bookpage · 05/12/2025 12:25

What's happening about the behaviour of relatives who have apparently caused all this?

I think it's too easy to blame them and DH's DC.

Dc will not say who it was that did it. Dh does anything he can to avoid conflict. He apparently spoke to exw and she knew nothing about it.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 05/12/2025 12:27

It’s confusing what you think you want tbh. On one hand you feel you need him at home to help you with your mental health and with your children. On the other you’re considering divorce which means he wouldn’t be around to do either and you’d be on your own with your ex the only option to help with your kids and you say your ex can’t have them more than he does at the moment.

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