To have asked for plans to be changed slightly.

[breakdown2025]

Dh and I are married and living together. 4dc between us 2 mine and 2 his.
Due to a lot of difficulties currently going on he is seeing his children in a hotel every weekend as this is what works best for them right now.
I’m really struggling mentally. I had a breakdown earlier this year and another suicidal episode 3 weeks ago. I have fully supported dh in keeping all contact with his dc during this time.
This week however I am really struggling. I asked if there was any chance he could do one night and 2 days with his children instead of 2 nights and 3 days but he point blank refused. He said this would be letting his dc down. It’s not something I’d normally ask of him but my mental health is so bad right now I’m struggling to even get out of bed.
He does also see his dc during the week.
It feels like the whole run up to the festive period is messed up as we are never together with dc to do festive things. This weekend we are putting the decorations up and dh won’t be around to join in. It feels like I’m single to be honest.
He doesn’t understand why I’m so upset. I’d never stop him seeing his children I just asked if it could be one night less this weekend just to help me get back on my feet.
AIBU?

He's paying for a hotel, 3 days a week because his DC's behaviour was such that you (he?) don't want them in your house?

That can't be sustainable, surely?

With the relationship fragile and them approaching an age where they get to choose where they spend their time, I'm not surprised he doesn't want to cause any more upset by changing plans.

Asked and answered upthread.

Apologies. So sorry you're going through this, I hope that the start of therapy goes okay for you - i know from personal experience it can be rough to start with but then can be so helpful, even just to talk to someone whose there only to focus on you and who sits outside of your regular life, I hope you get value from it.

You are not being unreasonable, you are on your own 4/7, no family life at the weekend, unable to make plans. The DSC have got what they wanted, they have pushed a wedge between you and your DH, isolating you from him for over half the week.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you and that dh is not listening when you are telling him he needs to find a way to resolve this issue not just avoid it.

I hope the therapy helps, maybe to help you be more assertive with dh, maybe to come to terms with the way your relationship is going. But you are not being unreasonable to ask your husband to support you, to spend time with you at the weekend, and to sort out the problem with his children.

Look, if things with his kids got so bad (although that story has changed - first it was "something happened one weekend" and then it was "we tried for a year" - so I'm not really sure what to believe here), and it's not getting better then frankly, you have bigger problems. If a blended family doesn't work, the parents are inevitably going to have to prioritise their children. That's just how life works.

@breakdown2025 I haven’t voted as I can see both sides and having previously been in a very bad mental state myself I know it would make it a thousand times worse having to do it without the support of my husband. Your DH obviously shouldn’t have to miss out on seeing his kids but your current set up doesn’t seem sustainable/practical long term. Have you considered having him bring them to the house for a visit in the day time, that way they can join in with the family as a whole, you aren’t left in your own for several days. This could potentially help rebuild the relationship with your stepkids and allow you to have your husband around for support. Appreciate it’s not always that straightforward though.

To be honest, you’re at a loss as to why he won’t just shorten his time with his kids whilst there’s been some drastic upheaval in their relationship. It’s quite obvious why he wouldn’t do that especially if their relationship is fragile. Maybe they think their needs are second best when with you & your children, they’d feel that way even if it wasn’t the case as I presume your kids live at yours that’s their home

its unfair that you’re being kept in dark as to why they don’t want to come over, maybe because your mental health has been bad he’s protecting you. However, you can’t defend yourself or if needed to apologise & adjust if you have inadvertently upset them. Please reach out to those around you. Dont suffer.

If you have caved in to pressure from his children I can see why this could be marriage ending. His children need to understand him and their mother are no longer together and will never be together, you have both given them hope that if they cause enough trouble they can split you up and get their family back. A really bad decision there.

Definitely. On AIBU, stepparents get a lot of criticism from people who've never walked in their shoes. All the usual "you knew what you were getting into" comments etc, its just not helpful. No one EVER knows what they're getting into, til they're in that situation

Yep exactly this. It feels like sc have kicked off and made life unpleasant for everyone to get their own way. Now they get nice weekends away and no incentive to change their behaviour and reintegrate into the family. We wanted to do a reset and rebuild slowly but I’m fearing this may not work and we’ve made a mistake.

Gently, YABU.

Your mental health does matter, but you need to find ways to support it that don't depend solely on your DH and DCs. That's not healthy, that's dependency. You need to speak to a GP urgently - therapy starts next week, so that's one thing, but be aware that it will feel for a long time that it isn't working, it isn't doing anything - trust in the process and give it time. Your DH is not a therapist or a rock to cling to, he's a human being who can offer support and understanding but cannot 'fix' or rescue you.

His children haven't done anything wrong, they don't deserve to have the limited time they have with their dad cut even shorter.

Can you give some examples of his kids behaviour being 'unsustainable' OP?

It might help because some posters are saying he should just sort out his kids, but I'm sure we all know it's really not that simple.

If it was so bad they were no longer able to stay in your home, it doesn't sound as though there's a quick fix.

I've read only your posts.

For the upset and upheaval it will cause I honestly don't think it's worth asking. Is there any chance DH can take a week day off (even if he throws a sickie) and the two of you go and have a Christmas day out just the two of you?

It's difficult for many families to navigate this time, especially when you're struggling, but you meed a solution that doesn't involve making two young DC lose visitation with their father.

I have a life limiting condition, so time is especially precious. I have individual days out with my adult DC and DH in the run up to Christmas. Work commitments mean we can't all go together and this year DH only has Christmas Day off this year.

We visit a city (there's several within 50 miles). Could you do a Christmas themed day with each of your DC too?

Keep posting. I know you may not have got the answers you wanted, but there is some great support on here.

How sure are you he's at a hotel? A full weekend every week in a Travelodge sounds miserable for everyone and in a good hotel would surely be cost prohibitive? What do they actually do together at the hotel?

Oh, and kids rarely just kick off and behave badly for no reason at all. They're unsettled, they're anxious, they need to feel that they matter - they may behave unpleasantly but the 'real' reason will be something much closer to fear than just getting their own way.

Dc were being sneaky. They’d do things to upset my kids and then act all innocent a sweet when dh came in the room. When asked why they’d done things they’d just cry and not want to talk about it.
They would scream at my kids, stare at them to creep them out. Kick off any time they don’t get their own way. Our home is very different to their mothers. At her house they had mobile phones at 6 with no restrictions, Xbox, switch and tablet all in the same year. In my home kids don’t get a phone until they are in secondary school an there are more boundaries so to speak.

I think it's problematic that you'd rather ask your husband to spend less time with his kids than ask your ex to spend more time with his.

It gives the impression that you think it's OK for both of them to opt out of parenting, or deprioritise it in favour of other things. Your ex may share that view (his tough time is so much worse than your potential breakdown that he can't spend one extra day with his kids?) but it appears your husband doesn't.

Oh. That sounds a lot like normal sibling behaviour to me. Not OK, but not something you'd usually move kids out for.

This is what I'm thinking.

His kids were only 5 and 6 years old when he married the OP.

That's a lot of upheaval in their short lives.

Could something have happened between them and your 12 and 15 year olds OP?

Is it possible their mum has said she doesn't want them staying in your home?

Their parents split when they were very young, 1&2. They have no memories of them being together but somebody has been showing them wedding photos and really stirring things up. That’s why it changed so drastically and so rapidly.

So they were winding up their older step siblings?

Why was that so bad that they had to stay in a hotel from now on?

How did your DC react? Was there any violence or OTT reactions?

I'm just really struggling to see why they're in a hotel because it sounds like an emergency reaction.

When kids do things like doing something wrong, then acting innocent, it's usually prompted by insecurity in their parent's affection - they are trying, in their child-like way, to look 'good' for their parent, better than the step-siblings, so they'll be loved more. They may not even understand their own behaviour or be able to articulate why they're doing it, but it does seem to be coming from a place of insecurity rather than sheer maliciousness.

An 8 and a 9 year old is still quite young. I think it’s so important that he does keep regularly seeing them, for the amount of time he’s meant to. A strong bond with his kids is needed.
I’m sorry you are having a tough time, though. Any chance he take a work day off to spend with you instead? Just while you are going through the worst bits of mental health. Hopefully therapy will be really helpful.

It became unbearable for everyone. My house is normally quiet and peaceful and it became like a war zone. Nobody was happy and we didn’t know how to make it better. Sc weren’t happy being here. Dh would either take them out for a few hours or they’d watch tv in their room. It just wasn’t working for anyone.

You haven't really.

You said that they were upset about their parents not being together and that their behaviour at your house became "unsustainable".

That doesn't really tell us anything, other than to suggest that you didn't want them to visit any more OR your DH didn't feel comfortable with them being around you any more, perhaps because of your reactions to their behaviour.

Seeing them in a hotel every single weekend is a pretty extreme reaction. So I think there is more to the story that we don't yet know.