to be irritated by relatives always asking me what young DC want for Xmas/birthdays

[TweedleTarmac]

Get to know them, visit them. Video call them. And then ask them yourselves!

I should be grateful that people want to make the effort, but burdening my already heavy mental load by asking me to find something that they can buy online in a few clicks isn’t really much effort. We really try to not to over-consume and buy our toys secondhand. I’d rather they didn’t send anything at all.

There is one relative who makes a huge amount of effort to spend time with them and she finds out herself from them what gifts they would like.

🙄

My kids always had a list and I was happy for relatives who asked for ideas to have a look. I'd much rather their money wasn't wasted.

Some people are very good at getting surprise presents that are greeted with delight. But some miss the mark or turn out to be duplicates of what they've already got such is a shame.

I have several nieces and nephews that live far away and I see them a couple of times a year. While I have an idea of their general interests (dinosaurs, Harry Potter, football, horses etc) i also have no clue what they currently have or have asked for from Santa this year. So I do check in with their mums for ideas and usually give some ideas of my own to help come up with something that a) still is of interest to them and b) they haven’t already got or will be getting. They do the same with my daughter as she’s a teenager and she seems to change her likes and style every time they see her! Works well for us and the kids are all happy. I’m certainly not offended when family members ask me what she might like for a gift. I’m just glad they bother at all.

Can guarantee half of you saying this will be here on Boxing Day whinging about the things your children have been given

We live across the country from my husband's family and, for a variety of reasons, don't visit often. I would still deem it polite to buy a small gift for the children in his extended family - I'd rather get them something they like so texted to ask. I actually haven't had a response so they probably will end up with vouchers or money because I don't like the idea of just buying tat for the sake of it.

But why don't you just give categories of interest for the children? "X likes drawing, lego, bug hunting" would be enough and is hardly taxing on your mental load.

It annoys me when people say it to me too but I also do it!!! Nothing to do with getting to know them, unless you’re in their rooms tidying you won’t know which books they’ve read, exactly which of the paw patrol toys they have etc etc.

I did caveat that it was going to appear moralistic! I dunno. I don't think asking what a child likes is this dreadful faux pas. I actually think it's really nice and thoughtful of people just to spend their money on other people's children. It seems sensible asking for guidance. Maybe the parents have already got them a Barbie Dreamhouse? Maybe they now hate Bluey! It's hard to keep up. I'd take it at face value.

Exactly.

i know that one of my nieces loves skincare. I don’t know what brands her mum is comfortable with her using!

The thing children NEED is clothes not the latest tat... But still.

I'd really rather they tried tbh. It's the thought that counts and it feels like there is no thought, just a lump sum to be 'fair' and not much more beyond that.

It's so transactional.

I dread that email every year because I'm supposed to find something out of my backside when DS doesn't want anything, I can't think of anything to get him and he's really not fussed. It's just other people make it into a labour and a drama of you don't do it with in their set timeframe as if you are massively inconveniencing them.

God you’re hard work.

That’s my point- I’m perfectly capable of picking presents, but some parents are fussy whatever you do, whether you ask or not, TBH.

Whatever happened to saying thank you and showing basic gratitude to anyone who gifts your children anything 🤷🏻‍♀️

I had a new experience this Xmas - in-laws asked if the kids had Xmas lists (ie lists I’ve put together of things they’ve mentioned or things I know they’d like), and then actually complained about what was on the lists and have gone off and done their own thing anyway. Sometimes you can’t win!

Fair enough, if that's how you feel, it's how you feel.

I've never got this vibe from people but if that's how you feel, it's how you feel. I do think we never know how much "admin", for want of a better word, people are carrying so we should steer clear of implying someone has "more time" as it really might not be the case. I'm not suggesting you did this, for the record, just that it's better to assume you only know a portion of someone's life.

This will probably make some people need to break out the smelling salts but one of my favourite things as a kid in the run up to Christmas was being given the Argos book to go through and pick out anything I even vaguely liked the look of as a possible present from various family members. Obviously my list filled about 4 sides of A4 and I didn't get everything I wanted but by god it was fun.

I think you are being a bit unreasonable actually. They need to be able to buy something for your DC which the child wants , but also something that you as a parent are happy with them having and do not have plans to buy yourself (or that you are aware other relatives buying).

We have relatives who don’t like to use gift list. With 3 dc we’ve so far received uno 8 times. One of those was a different version at least. I like the game… but don’t need 8 copies. Meeting dc and getting to know them is very different to going through all their toy cupboards and knowing what they want. I doubt anyone would guess dd2 wants a very specific bag for cadets from the army cadet shop, or dd1 wants a mantis and we’re happy for her to have one… or dd3 would like new dance shoes but they have to be RAD exam compliant. Sometimes details matter and guessing wrong is just so wasteful.

i want to gift people things they’ll love and sometimes need some ideas from them. DH’s hobby is very specific and without becoming an expert myself, I wouldn’t know what to get him and likely choose wrong. If someone likes whiskeys then that’s easy but my family are definitely not easy to buy for. I know dh well but which baseball cards he has and wants for his collection is far more complex.

If you can’t figure out what your own ds would like, how on earth do you expect others to be able to?

Yabu. I think my relatives know my daughter pretty well but not only is it tough to think of ideas, there is also a need to coordinate gift giving. Everyone knows my daughter likes crocheting and jellycats, but she does NOT need three of the same jellycat and more wool than she can use!

Well I don't actually expect a present tbh!

We've tried saying this.

It's not like some of his relatives bother the rest of the year with him anyway.

He's happy. That's all I'm bothered about.

Or just don’t send them anything. Why should anyone send gifts to children they have no relationship with? Interesting that you are graspy enough to still want your kids to receive money from these distant relatives who annoy you so much…

I actually much prefer this! So when my kids have a wish or i see something they would love, i note it down and when the relatives start asking i tell them exactly what to get. This way we dont receive useless stuff.

I feel the same OP.

Mental load, JFC. It would take you less time to sort it than you spent moaning about them on this thread. It’s once a year!

Are you talking about grandparents? OK, it’s reasonable to expect them to have some kind of relationship with, and interest in, your children.

If you mean friends and more distant relatives - honestly, I wish people would grasp the fact that very few people have much interest in other people’s children. Even the children of close personal friends - I’m friends with the parent as an individual and have no more than a polite interest in their offspring.