to be irritated by relatives always asking me what young DC want for Xmas/birthdays

[TweedleTarmac]

Get to know them, visit them. Video call them. And then ask them yourselves!

I should be grateful that people want to make the effort, but burdening my already heavy mental load by asking me to find something that they can buy online in a few clicks isn’t really much effort. We really try to not to over-consume and buy our toys secondhand. I’d rather they didn’t send anything at all.

There is one relative who makes a huge amount of effort to spend time with them and she finds out herself from them what gifts they would like.

Yes I do have a list and I send them an idea off that list. I'm not sure why you're assuming that's the bit I find hard. What I dislike is a grown adult asking me to think and shop for them and the endless follow up questions. It's still the most sensible way to do it but it annoys me when I have other more pressing things to deal with than Christmas shopping. I usually get these messages while the person is standing in the shop awaiting my immediate reply and feel pressured into needing to respond straight away.

Also good for you that you live an easy life, I guess. We should all be so lucky.

Set up a savings account and give them the details. I’m sure my relatives thought I was joyless for doing this but, over the years, the small amounts add up and now my children have a decent chunk behind them.

Fair enough you are obviously someone who wants to be told to buy something very specific.. but I think this says more about you than it does about the parents being ungrateful in some way, why would you think you'd end up buying them something they would hate if you weren't told specifically what to buy? Why can't you have a conversation about what they may like, why do you need to be told exactly what to buy or 'fuck them'?

FWIW I've never said childless people have it any easier, I've been that childless person for a long time. I was just as tired then too! It's just a different reason for being tired now! I don't think you can ever gatekeep being tired/stressed whether you are a parent or not so not sure why you are directing that at me.

Having to think of a specific toy for £20 for 8-10 other people so they don't have to think for themselves is an extra thing on my list, I'd rather they not spend that much anyway! Plus I find requesting specific things quite CF territory, again 'my' issue, but the thought of an amazon 'approved' gift list fills me with horror, especially for a 5 year old, it's probably much easier when they are older and know exactly what they want themselves.

I put a massive amount of thought into Christmas and I find it a little frustrating when people refuse to put ANY thought into it at all .. saying that though, if it was just one or two people I'd probably find it much easier and it wouldn't even cross my mind to find it a chore.

I don’t bother asking anymore because of entitled parents like you.

I send ideas to my elderly grandparents as i dont want them struggling to get out and buy it, they can order it online. But everyone else has free reign or if they REALLY want something i dont want to get i ask family members to get it for them 😆😆😆

That’s why I just send Amazon links to grandparents. They don’t have to leave the house to get it, there are no follow up questions. They just order the link I’ve sent them and job done. They bring it round in Christmas Day and the children are thrilled as it’s something they really wanted.

They have a very close relationship with my children, but they don’t know every single toy they have. So while they know my youngest loves Bluey, they would rather I sent a specific toy off Amazon for them to order so they don’t duplicate anything.

And I wouldn’t say my life is easy. I just don’t add any stress to myself. Few things in life actually really matter.

How is it entitled to want people to put a little bit of thought into what they are buying for others? I didn't think it was such a wacky concept to be honest.

To me it is exactly what Christmas is about, I appreciate it would a SO much easier if everyone just had to buy EXACTLY what they were told to buy by other people, no more and no less, but that's not what Christmas is about for me and never has been. We're never ungrateful for anything people buy our DD, because the thought and effort of them buying it means so much more to her and us than the item itself.

I have said a lot of me not wanting to ASK people to buy specific things of a specific value is a 'me' issue, I'm not sure why you are taking it so personally.

Just tell them they don’t need to buy your kids any presents. Take the load off them completely and yourself too. I mean if they aren’t close to your kids why are they buying them gifts?

It’s entitled to act your time is more valuable than mine because you’re a parent. It’s entitled to say that someone asking what your child would like is a “box ticking” exercise.

YABVVVU.

Perhaps other people don’t have time to spend with your children getting to know what they want. What an ungrateful post. And anyway, it’s not always realistic to take a small child’s request at face value.

You can’t ask other people’s children what they want for Christmas and then buy it yourself because 99% of the time their parent will already have bought that to give themselves! The idea of asking is to avoid duplicates whilst still getting something they’d actually like.

I think it’s fine to be asked what they’d like -but I drew the line at people with more free time than me who visit a large shopping mall weekly and regularly buy online either asking me to get it for them or deciding that they don’t like that idea and expecting another. To be clear, this was not about the price, just the person deciding my DS was now too old for LEGO. I told DH he was to make it clear that it was LEGO or he could come up with an alternative - not going to happen

What is the point of asking what a DC wants and then ignoring what the parent suggests?

And why is the OP so happy to accept them? If people cannot be bothered with me during the other 364 days then they can FTFO and take their gifts with them. Anything else is just kind of grabby IMO.

Good luck with asking a small child with no idea of budgets or logistics what they want - a pony, a dog, a real rocket so they can go to Saturn…

I do ask relatives what their children would like, and I ask to avoid wasteful over-consumption. In many households, budgets mean that Christmas is the only time anything other than basic necessities can be given - far better to buy wanted toys/books/ clothes/ toiletries than something which will be wasted.

If you’d rather nothing was given to your children than you be asked for an idea, then tell your family that.

If you prefer your children to have second hand wooden toys, then say that.

If you’d prefer that your family spend the money on visiting you and perhaps an activity with the children, then say so.

If you are happy for presents to be bought but you don’t want to juggle the logistics of who buys what, then there are wishlist arrangements to manage this.

If you want things to change, tell them.

if you'd honestly prefer to receive nothing at all then tell them that!
but personally I find lots of people expect gifts for their children. If so then yes, YABVU. I spend lots of time with my nieces/nephews and could make a guess at what they'd like - but my siblings would probably say 'Oh but they've got too much X as it is,' or 'Yes they would like Y - but we've already bought it ourselves!' and vice versa for mine.

How much effort is it to give them a few vague ideas? The output (Minimal) vs potential outcome (significant - your DC getting things they will actually like and use) is incomparable.

It sounds really tight and moany to me to complain when people are voluntarily spending their hard earned money on your kids AND care enough to get something they'll actually like. Do you get them anything back?

You imply however that there is no emotional connection in the other posts but they obviously do put in the effort by giving up their time and trying to be engaging enough that your children are wanting to see them and not making excuses to avoid you all. Have you invited them to yours? Maybe they don’t feel comfortable in your house for whatever reason? Maybe they find travelling difficult? Maybe they assumed you wanted to get out the house and kids would be more entertained at theirs. They sound like nice enough grandparents 🤷🏻‍♀️ I’ve got young children so I totally get the hassle of having to travel to see relatives so we only do so occasionally, people came to see us once after each baby born but that was it, is just the way it is

Yes exactly that, 8 yr old girl gifts - will give a good variety

YABU.

Relatives can’t do right for doing wrong. They are either adding to the mental load by asking or over-stepping the mark by buying a surprise which parents often criticise.

They probably don’t want to buy a duplicate of something your child already has. Impossible to keep track of what already in someone else’s house, or rely totally on what young children say.

It is fine to say ‘a surprise would be lovely’ if you can’t be bothered to think. Such a minor thing.

I see my grandchildren (3 and 5yo) weekly, and know their likes of the moment. What I don't know is what their parents and other relatives are getting for them. So though I hate to add to their parents' load, I do ask my DD if there's anything obvious I can get, or if I have an idea, I check with her in case someone else is getting that/it's no longer on the GC's favoured items.

Also, I've been away on a trip for three weeks. The eldest's favourite colour has been pink for as long as she could express a preference. Fortunately the pink tee shirt that I wanted to get her as a holiday present, wasn't available in her size, as apparently her favourite colour is now green.

OP you clearly have a problem with one set of grandparents. Your OP should have been worded to make that clear. Not to generalise the present buying issue to all relatives of children.

I think you’re being unreasonable. I always ask for suggestions for children in the family as I don’t know exactly what they have and haven’t got or what others might be buying.

If it's so minor then why not handle it yourself

Oh no, people who want to spend money on your children asking you for suggestions to avoid unwanted tat or duplicates?
Don' they know it fatigues you?

Just ask for a voucher for a bookstore or something. I used to get vouchers for borders (when it still existed) as a child and that was nice and educational.

Jesus. Do you want to lay on the guilt trip anymore? That's not really ok.

It's ok to say, honestly we don't want anything.

Oh yeah google will really give a great and varied idea, 70% of which the specific child won’t be interested in.

So how does that fit the OPs narrative of “get to know the children”?

It’s surely another box ticking exercise? Which the OP doesn’t like?