to be irritated by relatives always asking me what young DC want for Xmas/birthdays

[TweedleTarmac]

Get to know them, visit them. Video call them. And then ask them yourselves!

I should be grateful that people want to make the effort, but burdening my already heavy mental load by asking me to find something that they can buy online in a few clicks isn’t really much effort. We really try to not to over-consume and buy our toys secondhand. I’d rather they didn’t send anything at all.

There is one relative who makes a huge amount of effort to spend time with them and she finds out herself from them what gifts they would like.

I think it’s thoughtful because kids end up with duplicates otherwise.

YABU.

They are YOUR children. Relatives don’t live with them 24/7 and are not as well placed to know what they will like / already have.

No, and I think they know that!

I’m sorry but I did all my shopping in November. I needed to because of the cost.

Makes zero sense to be honest, if you have a budget for Christmas shopping and have that money in November, that money will still be there whenever you are ready to buy.. unless you spend it on other things, that money will still be there in December.. it is a WANT to get all your Christmas shopping done and dusted in November, (I'd love to do it too in fairness) but it isn't a NEED at all.

I'm not stressed, I'm busy, I run my own business and have a lot of other commitments, it's not something that can be done differently, just life as it is at times (not all the time). But demanding I have to then think for 8 other people, so they themselves don't have to think at all, and have to do it because they WANT to do all their shopping in early November was never going to go down well I'm afraid.

OP You chose to have lots of children so you need to accept that having a "heavy mental load" goes with the territory.

YABU, most parents would love to be asked.

I'd image that feeling is probably mutual for which I wouldn't blame them.

Get a grip. You’ll soon be back on complaining about them being bought things they don’t want/need/like that are taking up space in your house in the new year otherwise.

Don’t be so ungrateful.

It makes sense to me because I made use of prime day etc. if you find it that hard to have a list of things your kid would like, you don’t know them any better than the family members

Sorry but you're actually just making stuff up now about your "several babies and young children" and all these well off, bored relatives just sitting around all days with nothing else going to think about.

And to your point about video calls, have you ever actually tried to converse with even one child - never mind "several" - via facetime? Because in my experience, you don't actually do a lot of conversing with a child over facetime. You more likely just get to watch them jump across the room listen to the pretend fart noises the've been practicing.

Also, some people just don't have the energy for young children. Don't expect people to love your kids as much as you do. Either give them gift suggestions or say "no, they don't need anything thanks".

Wow. So a relative showing consideration, and wanting to make sure whatever gift they buy your children, is appreciated and gets used, is absolutely terrible?

Count yourself lucky that this total non-issue is all you've got to get worked up about. Honestly. You sound ungrateful and mean. Great example to set your kids.

But that's the point, they don't WANT to send money, or give to charity, they want to be seen to 'give a present' so they want me to think of one present to the value of say, £20 so they can present it on Christmas day like it was their idea.

That's what I find hard going, I'd much rather people buy something that she is interested in, so I normally give a list of her likes at the time: cartoon characters, films, tv shows, animals, themes: farm etc, jigsaws, books, colouring stuff, painting, bubble bath etc.. but people don't want to do that so won't engage with it, they want to just go to B&M or smyths and buy one gift for £20 and they get annoyed if I don't tell them exactly what one gift to buy because "I'm making their life too hard".

I'd much prefer they get her one gift at £3-4 from a charity shop and it be something that she is interested in, or something that can be eaten or used up, than me have to think of something to an exact value that she may play with a few times, but will most likely sit in the cupboard taking up space most the year not being played with just to have that 'wow' present to open on Christmas day.

I think it is a me problem, we never had lots growing up at all, and I find the huge piles of random £20 presents too much, and then feel guilty if she doesn't play with them.. I wish it wasn't such a box ticking exercise for people and they would consider what she would actually use or need from the list I give, and buy more modestly, but maybe that is asking too much of people in fairness.

I have 4 kids so knew quite far in advance what I was getting them. So I could then let others know what’s left on the list so they could ask them but they’d need to have asked me anyway, my heavy mental load just about coped with that….rather than them opening duplicate presents I’d rather they asked tbh

I think something that’s frustrating as a person without children as well is the assumption that Christmas isn’t stressful for any of us.

I still have plenty of people to buy for. I have nights out to afford, meals to cook, presents to make etc.

I don’t like this assumption that not having children means that I’m stress free.

We do most of our toy shopping in charity shops etc, and I would much prefer people do that and spend less money.

I give a pretty comprehensive list of things she is interested in and likes (unbelievably, we know her pretty well!), and she is only 5, I shouldn't have to give 10+ people a specific gift that they need to buy her of £20+, just so they can box tick.. I honestly find it hard thinking of things that fit that criteria.

It's not what Christmas is about for us and never has been, but I recognise that it is a 'me' issue. I find huge stacks of random presents for small kids at Christmas pretty obscene. We had some small gifts and a one off bigger gift when we were kids and we loved it.

But you’re seeing it as box ticking, I see it as making sure I get them something nice, that they’ll like and that they’ll not have two of. But it’s posts like this that have made me say fuck it. They get what they’re given and if they hate it/have two, you deal with it.

I think that would be more memorable for the child though. If you always got them some unexpected book, or a really bizarre type of food, or a jumper they wouldn’t choose themselves, or art supplies, at least they would know it was from you and remember something about you and your relationship to them?
Sometimes children don’t know what’s good for them.

It spins me out a bit too because I have enough going on already, but when you think about it, it really is the most sensible way of doing things. I always interpret it more as a sign of deference as well, like they don't want to get something that undermines your parenting in some way, or that causes friction.

It is box ticking if you are expecting people to TELL you exactly what to buy and where from for how much, you aren't thinking about what they would like or are interested in, you are being given an instruction and carrying it out. It is the definition of box ticking.

To be clear I like people saying "I was thinking about getting DD this, would she like it? "brilliant, yes she'd love it". Or "she has actually got one of those, how about something like this instead", where you can have a conversation and know they will buy something she likes or is interested in.. best case scenario for me as the end result is the same, but I've not had to think of something specific, and more often than not people come up with really good ideas that I wouldn't have thought of myself.

But the "what toy can I get DD for £20" people, who don't want to think, and only want to box tick, is where I struggle to be honest. You're always going to end up telling people stuff just for the sake of it just to make their life easy, but which DD may or may not play with too much.

I'm not saying people should have to buy anything random and hope for the best, but why not just have a conversation about it rather than need to be told a specific thing?

There are quite a few suggestions of books scattered through this thread, so I just wanted to say that I loved books as a child, and this made getting books from people who didn't know me well the most disappointing possible present. Books are surely the type of present where you most need guidance from the parent. I was an early reader so the most common disappointment was that the books were too young for me (exacerbated by the fact that I had an older sibling, so she'd often get a book that I'd have liked, while I got a shit picture book). Or a book I already had. DS1 is slightly different: he is incredibly sensitive and would find a lot of books scary that you wouldn't expect, even if you knew what he was like (Percy the sodding park keeper ffs.)

Because the idea is they get something they want and need? But like I’ve said, parents can get to fuck now. This idea that you’re all stressed and have no time to do anything and all is childless people are living the life of Riley means you can cope

But surely you have a list of things you would like to buy for your children? Not just for that particular Christmas but in general?

Why is it so hard to text them an Amazon link or what ever for something off that list?

Do you know what, I think I live in a parallel universe sometimes. I have three children and I’ve never felt like I’m rushing around with no time for anything, or that I have a lot on my plate. I’ve got friends rushing round like headless chickens at the moment, stressing about Christmas and I don’t get it at all.

As a mother too I find the suggestion that anyone is box ticking when they do something nice for friends or relatives quite offensive, there is no obligation for anyone to tick any boxes so no such thing. Any gesture someone does for me or my children is appreciated and certainly not expected. Someone has us around for a cup of tea and a chat, someone has us around for lunch, even if we have to go to them, then it’s appreciated, someone has actually thought of spending their hard earned money on buying my children a present. The sense of entitlement of some people is off the scale