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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Was DD rude

184 replies

Reino · 04/12/2025 19:57

DD is 23 and is briefly living at home between gap year and moving in with her boyfriend in January.
On Sunday DH and I had some guests over, they arrived at 11, left at about 8pm, didn’t have dinner but did have lunch (we ordered it in). DD knows the guests well, would class them as family friends.

DD and her boyfriend didn’t come down stairs until about 3 o’clock, then they sat with us all, drank some wine small talked etc, before going back up to her around about 5:30. At 7pm her boyfriend came back down to collect their food delivery from the door, they hadn’t checked with anyone if they wanted anything ordered.

YANBU - They were rude, they should have come down and said hi much earlier and had lunch with everyone, or they should have checked if anyone else wanted food ordered.
YABU - They didn’t do anything wrong, it wasn’t their guests, so not their job to accommodate them.

OP posts:

DaniO2 · 05/12/2025 22:26

CherrieTomaties · 05/12/2025 20:49

Understand my reasoning about what? Why I think the OP’s daughter wasn’t being rude? Well in my opinion she wasn’t.

An adult ordering a takeaway for herself and her boyfriend whilst her parents were downstairs hosting guests …. Is just a normal and non-event thing to do. I genuinely can’t fathom why anyone would think that’s rude. If the OP and her mates fancied a takeaway I’m sure they’re mature enough to order one themselves. Don’t you? Why can’t adults just sort themselves out? The daughter and her boyfriend weren’t part of the group having a get together downstairs.

What’s wrong with emojis if I find something funny? This is the internet ffs 🙄

In my family, if I were hosting mates for 9 hours I wouldn’t bat an eyelid if my (hypothetical) adult child ordered a takeaway for them and their partner. Literally wouldn’t bat a fucking eyelid. If me and my mates wanted our own takeaway - we would order our own takeaway. Y’know because we are adults with free will.

I’ve never heard anything as so pathetic in my entire life.

The OP and you sound utterly entitled and exhausting.

But sorry if that offends you … 😝

Show quote history

You seem very worked up about this for someone insisting it’s “a non-event”.

The OP sounds like a good parent. They asked a reasonable question.

I'm not going to respond with what you sound like as I'd probably get banned. Have a nice evening. Maybe you and all your mates could order a takeaway.

fatphalange · 05/12/2025 22:26

DaniO2 · 05/12/2025 22:01

That's a really good point. I do live in the countryside. It costs extra for delivery and we really don't order in food that often. It is more of a treat - maybe once every couple of months rather than annual though! I didn't think of that fact others are probably ordering takeaways multiple times a week and it's routine.

If they are ordering when everyone is in bed, I think that's very different. I don't think anyone would expect their kids to wake them up to ask! But if you're awake and downstairs and going to notice the food arriving.

It's really interesting that you say this: "And no it doesn’t work the other way round, I include them if I ever fancy a takeaway and they’re around. As I’m the parent. They are not parenting me."

I know you never stop being a parent, but at what age do you treat them like an adult and expect them to ask you or consider you. I would think early to mid twenties. I wouldn't expect them to pay at that age, since wages are pretty awful, but I'd expect them to include me if they're in my home and ordering food.

Or do you think it should it still be the same no matter how old they are? I can't imagine being in my 70s and having a 50-year-old kid who expects me to include them, but then they don't do the same.

Teenagers are very different and I'd still class them as children. But at 23, I think OPs DD is old enough to consider other people.

Show quote history

I’d like to think my 18 yo and 20 yo will not be living with me when they’re in their 50s 😂

PurpleThistle7 · 05/12/2025 22:31

I think it would have been odd for them to ask if anyone wanted something. Maybe you wanted to finish the day up and they’d be dragging it out. Maybe you didn’t want pay for a second round of takeaways? If you wanted to feed your friends (which you should have really, pretty odd not to at that time), that’s your responsibility. I think it’s nice that they hung out for a bit without being intrusive.

CherrieTomaties · 05/12/2025 22:36

DaniO2 · 05/12/2025 22:26

You seem very worked up about this for someone insisting it’s “a non-event”.

The OP sounds like a good parent. They asked a reasonable question.

I'm not going to respond with what you sound like as I'd probably get banned. Have a nice evening. Maybe you and all your mates could order a takeaway.

Show quote history

I’ve already had takeaway tonight. Thanks though 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Theslummymummy · 05/12/2025 22:38

God you sound stuffy

DaniO2 · 05/12/2025 22:40

fatphalange · 05/12/2025 22:26

I’d like to think my 18 yo and 20 yo will not be living with me when they’re in their 50s 😂

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God forbid! Fingers crossed!

ReadingSoManyThreads · 06/12/2025 21:29

GravyBoatWars · 05/12/2025 01:53

OP says she's 23 and "briefly" living at home in between a gap year and moving in with her bf. Sounds like she's post-uni and has indeed lived on her own.

I don't think "she's too young to move in with her bf" is relevant but her age and the fact that she's been living off as a young adult probably is somewhat to her mindset differing from OPs. At that age it's the norm to have house/flat-mates or be in student residences where everyone is living independently in parallel under one roof. The standard of being pleasant but going about your business while giving others in the house space to do the same likely feels more natural to the DD right now than the OP.

Show quote history

I mean I wouldn't personally call student living and a gap year as living independently. House/flat/shares/halls then travelling aren't exactly the same as having your own place. But I accept that people view things differently.

My own experiences certainly form my current view, I moved in with a boyfriend at that age, I had lived independently (truly independently, as in for over a year on my own, after uni), but my boyfriend moved in after having only ever lived with his mum. It was a disaster! I know everyone's experiences are different, but there are so many threads on here where people have moved in together straight from parents etc. and the relationship is just awful, the boyfriend expects the girlfriend to be his mummy. So I'm just really pro people getting that life experience of independence before shacking up.

mummytrex · 06/12/2025 21:39

I'd have expected them to say hello when the guests arrived, other than that fine for her to be in room. No expectation to socialise and certainly not unreasonable of her not to have asked your guests if they wanted something added to her delivery.

Had she offered frankly it would have shone more light on your failure to feed your guests. Also would you have paid, or expected DD to? Or would you have expected the guests to pay (this would have been rude)?

Appreciate you eat late and offered snacks, but as a guest, had my hosts child said I'm ordering something are you hungry do you want something? I'd have politely declined even if starving as otherwise I'd be basically telling the host they were doing a poor job which would be rude.

I suspect you're slightly embarrassed/uncomfortable and are focusing on the wrong thing here.

JoannaTheYodelingCowgirl · 06/12/2025 21:41

YABU...and I don't get how they were rude at all unless this is a windup

Your daughter and boyfriend probably didn't want to disturb you and your guests. If anything, you're more of the rude one for not offering your guests food if you had them over for that long. Why is it on your DAUGHTER to offer them food?

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