Was DD rude

[Reino]

DD is 23 and is briefly living at home between gap year and moving in with her boyfriend in January.
On Sunday DH and I had some guests over, they arrived at 11, left at about 8pm, didn’t have dinner but did have lunch (we ordered it in). DD knows the guests well, would class them as family friends.

DD and her boyfriend didn’t come down stairs until about 3 o’clock, then they sat with us all, drank some wine small talked etc, before going back up to her around about 5:30. At 7pm her boyfriend came back down to collect their food delivery from the door, they hadn’t checked with anyone if they wanted anything ordered.

YANBU - They were rude, they should have come down and said hi much earlier and had lunch with everyone, or they should have checked if anyone else wanted food ordered.
YABU - They didn’t do anything wrong, it wasn’t their guests, so not their job to accommodate them.

You had already order in one takeaway and had been serving snacks why would she ask?

I’ve found this, it tends to be the ones who are a bit posh. Share half a sandwich and they are “so full”. 1 small pizza for 8 people. It’s kind of like they are still in rationing mindset or like it’s “crass/common” to overeat.

Working class / part-Irish side? Heaving table always and still worrying about it not being enough.

I think YABU and in fact this was a good compromise between completely ignoring your guests (rude) and being present for your entire meeting with them (potentially intrusive).

YABU

This is on a totally separate note, it seems a bit soon for your DD to be moving in with a boyfriend when she hasn't lived independently first. Is her boyfriend living with family or what's his current living situation?

I personally feel it's very important as couples moving in together straight from having lived with parents can be a bit of a disaster.

ETA I'd be embarrassed to order food in for guests, maybe it's an English thing to do that, but I'm Irish and we provide a full spread for all guests, even unexpected ones. But as another has pointed out on this thread, and as I've experienced living in England, people are very inhospitable here with guests. If you're lucky enough to get offered a cuppa tea, and you say the polite "no", they don't insist (think Mrs. Doyle), so you actually end up with no tea, when you'd have accepted on the second ask.

Never ceases to amaze me how it's acceptable to make disparaging comments about 'the English' when it's entirely unacceptable to do it about any other nation.

But anyway no I don't think your daughter was rude and I'm baffled that it 'didnt occur' to you to offer someone dinner at that time .id have sorted that when the date was arranged so I'd know if they'd like to stay or not. Really weird to assume everyone else eats as late as you do.

Yea, see, I'm from a very similar culture food-wise. Not Irish, but similar.

You come to visit, tables groaning, and if it's any sort of occasion, then it's a godawful amount of food, food-enough-to-feed-two-armies feasts. And the 'go on, go on, please have this and that, come on, come on, you hardly ate a thing, don't be shy, eat this' ad nauseam.

I. FUCKING. HATE. IT. Leave me the hell alone you goddamn gluttonous pigs, just how MUCH you can possibly eat, just eat, eat, eat and shove it on everyone, all celebrations or meetings are spent sitting behind a table and gorging on food. Oh but you haven't tried this yet, oh you just MUST try that! No I fucking mustn't, leave me alone.

Give me OPs all day booze with a takeaway or two biscuits and tea any day. Anyway, her guests had lunch, then snacks and dinner at their own home, that's more than enough food for a person.

When I was that age in my parent's house I would have come down to say hi when the guests arrived, and then might have gone back up but let the guests know I'd be down later. I think the 2 hours they spent was nice of them and respectful, especially as they are in your house!

With the food order, if I were in my parent's house it was seen as one household, so I would have asked everyone if they needed anything ordered (might have checked with parents first that they were willing to pay!)

So I don't think they were really rude, it sounds more like they are trying to exercise their independence and it's difficult when in the same household.

OP, answer this honestly:

Would you still be expecting this from
DD if she was a son not a daughter?

@Reino maybe you were rude by not thinking of it for yourself and your guests

OP says she's 23 and "briefly" living at home in between a gap year and moving in with her bf. Sounds like she's post-uni and has indeed lived on her own.

I don't think "she's too young to move in with her bf" is relevant but her age and the fact that she's been living off as a young adult probably is somewhat to her mindset differing from OPs. At that age it's the norm to have house/flat-mates or be in student residences where everyone is living independently in parallel under one roof. The standard of being pleasant but going about your business while giving others in the house space to do the same likely feels more natural to the DD right now than the OP.

I’m always interested in what the Op thinks on threads like this.

What do you think OP?

Curious as to whether you’d considered ordering for your DD when you ordered the lunch in. You’d already had one takeaway, it would have been really really bad hosting on your party if you’d been forced to order in for two meals.

Don’t be ridiculous 😂

It’s not my children’s job to ask me if I want anything adding to their takeaway order whilst I’m downstairs hosting friends. I’m an adult. I can make sure myself and my friends can order our own takeaway.

And are you just saying this because you’re an entitled control freak?

It was very well mannered of them to just politely stay out of the way where they were bothering nobody and later feed themselves after politely spending at least two and a half hours with the people you invited. That is a LONG time to sit with your mum's pals.

They probably assumed that these people would have left after lunch, and when they just kept hanging around felt they should come down and speak to them.

Your guests, your problem how to entertain and feed them.

Your guests overstayed their welcome. Your daughter did nothing wrong.

I consider your DD and boyfriend to be very rude. They are living in your house. I think you need to have a talk to them both about good manners and expectations when they are living in your house.

Totally standard. I would be pleased they joined the late lunch, They are your guests op, not theirs. They were polite and well mannered.

Did you expect them to sit there for the full 9 hours?! That would have been annoying,, as no doubt you would have liked the chance to spend time with your friends unencumbered.

Interesting you think dd was rude - wonder what your guests made of 1 lunch and a few snacks in 9 hours. Why should your daughter order and pay for potentially 4 extra adults dinners when all she did was be polite to your guests then give you space to entertain she didnt invite them. I think she acted how most parents would hope their dc in 20s would act!

The flip side of this is all the threads I've read where OPs have been invited to spend time with their friends only to find their friends teenage or adult child tagging along. This doesn't go down well as the people have wanted to socialise with their friends without having to filter conversation for an awkward tag along. I think OPs DD was right to give her parents the space to chat with their friends.

I think this boils down to the fact the friends overstayed, op didn’t provide enough food and was embarrassed by the take away arriving for her dd.

Next time either bring proceedings to an end after lunch, or ensure you have enough food available if you expect tour friends may very well stay longer that you anticipate.

No, they weren't "rude".
🙄

I think what they did was ok, OP. Other than with my two, I'd say they would come and pop their heads round the door not long after people they know well arrive. Then the rest of it is fine.

I would expect mine to say hello when the guests arrived and then politely excuse themselves. I would expect them to ask if anyone wanted anything.

🤦 silly me, been here enough years you think I'd have learnt that one by now.

FWIW, you're welcome though @Lamentingalways 😘.

The difference is- if you go to a place that has lots of food, you can choose to not eat it! Simple! Whereas if you go to a place that has NO food (or not enough) you just stay hungry- you have no choice.
In any case: you clearly have serious rage issues regarding food/your culture, so I think maybe better for me to back away from interacting with you. I wish you all the best.

You’re being bonkers. You had a takeaway, snacked all day and then expected your DD and bf to order you and your guests another takeaway just because they were sorting their own dinner, politely out of your way as you entertained.
Would you not have been mortified if your DD had asked your guests if they wanted feeding? You’d have been complaining she was ‘rude’ for suggesting your entertaining was lacking or saying ‘how did she know we weren’t trying to wrap the day up and we’re trying to get the guests to leave? Thanks to her we’re stuck with guests for another couple of hours at least’