Was DD rude

[Reino]

DD is 23 and is briefly living at home between gap year and moving in with her boyfriend in January.
On Sunday DH and I had some guests over, they arrived at 11, left at about 8pm, didn’t have dinner but did have lunch (we ordered it in). DD knows the guests well, would class them as family friends.

DD and her boyfriend didn’t come down stairs until about 3 o’clock, then they sat with us all, drank some wine small talked etc, before going back up to her around about 5:30. At 7pm her boyfriend came back down to collect their food delivery from the door, they hadn’t checked with anyone if they wanted anything ordered.

YANBU - They were rude, they should have come down and said hi much earlier and had lunch with everyone, or they should have checked if anyone else wanted food ordered.
YABU - They didn’t do anything wrong, it wasn’t their guests, so not their job to accommodate them.

So she waa hungover on one of her only days off, still spent a considerable amount of time with you and your friends then left and ordered herself some food.

I dont think she was rude at all and I would have assumed you'd have food sorted for your guests so it wouldnt occur to me to offer you some.

Honestly, at her age I think she behaved exactly as expected and pretty well. She came to say hi once she was ready and respectable, stayed for a good while then kept out of your hair.

I'd never have offered your guests food if I were her, that's so odd. It essentially suggests she doesn't think you're feeding them enough and they might need her to get more food from outside, to make up for your poor hosting and planning. That's rude to me.

If she had her friends round for 9 hours, would it be rude of you not to go and spend hours chatting with them, then sort your own dinner out without offering to feed them all? If not then this shows that you still think she is a child that you can control. In my experience people with parents who obsess over what's rude and what others think tend to hot foot it away from the stifling tone they find themselves subjected to when around them, and never see their parents for that reason.

You sound ridiculous. Why on earth was it their responsibility to check if your guests wanted to eat?

Your YABU option shows quite clearly you know you are wrong.

11-8 is a long time to not serve any meals. I doubt it occurred to your DD or her BF to ask

Why should they? When my young adult son had his friends over they would order a takeaway, I didn’t need to be included. And who would be paying?

This.

Why should they buy food for your guests?

Hmmm. Totally disagree. These were guests of the OP, it’s not her dd’s job to host OP’s guests, that’s absurd. How about OP’s manners towards her guests?

Do you not bother to get your kids anything from the takeaway when you place an order then? That seems really odd. But then I suppose people can be very insular even in families. Sad way to live. But I guess it takes all sorts.

It's no one's job to do it. It's just basic politeness (plus the fact you'd avoid paying two delivery charges if they do want something).

Name calling? "entitled control freak?" Bless. But I don't think you understand the words you're using. Maybe look them up.

I don't think she was rude. Popping in for a bit to have a chat and some wine was just right. It annoys me a bit when I meet up with friends and their teen/ young adult child hovers around the whole time (I include my own in that as he's very talkative!) It changes the whole dynamic that I was looking forward to.

If she was downstairs and dressed when the guests arrived it would have been nice if she stuck her head into the hallway and said hello but she was in bed so she didn't, fair enough.

The ordering food thing ... this thread shows people do things differently in different households. Your daughter and her BF hadnt eaten yet so they ordered in. Presumably they were hungry by then and wanted to get something quick. Presumably also they are not particularly well off since she's young and living with you temporarily to save money to move out. If she had offered to order food for you and your guests she would have to pay for the whole order. Huge difference between ordering for two and six people, as a hard up 23 year old. The takeaway would have taken much longer when people faffed around choosing etc. And as she says she didn't even know if you wanted/ intended your guests to stay for longer. You say yourself you'd intended them to go by 7 and hadn't planned to get more food.

Sometimes I'm at home and want to grab a quick snack before I do something so I just do it. I don't trail around the house asking each family member of the household if they also want one or I'd never get anything done and they are perfectly capable of sorting something for themselves. It's funny how some people often can't be bothered to make something for themselves but get all green eyed when they see someone else's.

My son is vegan so he sorts most of his own meals. Sometimes he gets a vegan McDonald's from uber eats. It never occurred to me to tell him he was "rude" for not ordering for the rest of us. In fact I would be annoyed with him for being so profligate with his meagre income!

They showed their faces and made conversation, that’s all I’d expect. They sorted their own dinner out - also fine.

My son ordered food once without asking if I wanted anything and honestly it hurt my feelings! I’ve cooked for him for 19 years and was always a Mum that included him if we were ordering takeaway (I know some get their kids in bed 1st) I couldn’t imagine knowing someone was going to knock on the door and my Mum would be answering not knowing it was arriving. I’m sure OP wouldn’t have expected the daughter to pay. I bet she was embarrassed when she went to the door not knowing it was arriving. I’m really shocked by all the comments. I didn’t know it was that common for people to order food without including their family.

Yes, I agree 100%. It seems so odd to me. They're family, not random housemates. I completely see why the OP thought it was a bit rude. I don't think OPs daughter meant to be thoughtless just like I'm sure your son didn't mean to hurt your feelings, but it is thoughtless and a bit selfish to order food to be delivered to a household without checking if anyone else wants anything.

And I also agree that OP wouldn't have expected DD should have to pay for all the food. I'm really surprised how many people order food without asking if anyone else wants something too!

And I also agree that OP wouldn't have expected DD should have to pay for all the food. I'm really surprised how many people order food without asking if anyone else wants something too!

How are you so sure OP would be paying? In any case I would be annoyed if my son started a food order and then generously offered my guests to add to it, then asked me for my credit card. Would seem like a CF ruse for the one who fancies a takeaway to get someone else to pay! Now that would be rude in my book.

What’s your obsession with me getting food from takeaways?

You sound absolutely pathetic 😂😂😂😂

The OP was hosting her friends for about 9 hours. Her adult daughter ordered a takeaway for her and her boyfriend, a complete normal and non-issue thing to do.

The OP asked if that was rude to do without asking her parents friends. Majority of people think it’s not rude.

Only entitled control freaks would get up in arms about something as trivial as this.

Complete and utter insanity.

And I also agree that OP wouldn't have expected DD should have to pay for all the food. I'm really surprised how many people order food without asking if anyone else wants something too!

Given that OP hasn't bothered to correct that assumption that DD would end up paying for OP's guests' takeout, I think the daughter was smart not to ask, besides not knowing her parents' plans. It seems like that might very well have been the expectation.

Why on earth would they ask the guests before asking their own parent? This thread feels like people are completely missing the social dynamic and normal behaviour of families.

This would be the polite thing to do:

1. An individual in a family would feel hungry decide to order a takeaway.
2. That person would then ask the other people in the family if they'd like to order anything since they are getting food delivered.
3. Parents would thank them for asking but say they don't need anything, or they'd feel hungry too and decide to add something to the order - paying their way (and since they are the parents and DD is at home they might offer to pay for the takeaway, but they are under no obligation to pay for everyone).

It's just the polite thing to do.

Why would you assume DD would offer everyone dinner on OP's credit card?

And coming back to politeness, if someone ordered in a takeaway and you were a guest in the house and didn't offer to pay your share then you would be the CF.

It's astonishing to me that people don't think that is the normal polite thing to do.

I think it's really rude not to say hello to family friends when they arrived

Even if someone is still in bed / not showered?

I don’t think the DD needs to arrange her sleep schedule around her parents’ visitors.

You are the host you offer food. Not your adult
child and their partner who made polite chit chat and then excused themselves.

I may have expected them to come down sooner, but other than that probably fine?

However, I think your guests were massively rude for staying for NINE HOURS!!! Just…NO!

I'm trying to understand your reasoning. It's not easy though. You just resort to name calling and emojis.

No one is “up in arms”. In most households, if you’re ordering food and other people are in the home, it’s polite to let them know in case they want to add something to the order. That’s all I and a lot of other people are saying.

You’re free to disagree, especially if you don't do that in your own family. But throwing around words like “entitled” "control freak" isn't exactly a compelling argument.

In context, they're pretty poor insults that doesn't even make sense. No one is trying to “control” anyone. In most households it’s just basic courtesy to mention you’re ordering food while others are at home. It isn’t about controlling people, it’s being considerate. Entitled doesn't make sense either? Entitled to what?

You obviously see things differently. You didn't answer the question, but I guess you order food and don't ask your kids if they want anything and vice versa. If you're happy with a family like that, then fine. That's what suits you.

OP seemed to think her daughter was a bit rude for not asking if anyone in the house wanted to add to her takeaway order. I agreed with her. It doesn't make us pathetic. It means we have different values to you.

Understand my reasoning about what? Why I think the OP’s daughter wasn’t being rude? Well in my opinion she wasn’t.

An adult ordering a takeaway for herself and her boyfriend whilst her parents were downstairs hosting guests …. Is just a normal and non-event thing to do. I genuinely can’t fathom why anyone would think that’s rude. If the OP and her mates fancied a takeaway I’m sure they’re mature enough to order one themselves. Don’t you? Why can’t adults just sort themselves out? The daughter and her boyfriend weren’t part of the group having a get together downstairs.

What’s wrong with emojis if I find something funny? This is the internet ffs 🙄

In my family, if I were hosting mates for 9 hours I wouldn’t bat an eyelid if my (hypothetical) adult child ordered a takeaway for them and their partner. Literally wouldn’t bat a fucking eyelid. If me and my mates wanted our own takeaway - we would order our own takeaway. Y’know because we are adults with free will.

I’ve never heard anything as so pathetic in my entire life.

The OP and you sound utterly entitled and exhausting.

But sorry if that offends you … 😝

Do the people who thinks it’s rude and feel ‘hurt’ live in the countryside where it’s quite rare to get a takeaway or it’s an annual treat? My kids order in often. If they asked me each time if I wanted anything I’d be pissed off as I’m sometimes in bed asleep when they get peckish, and they’d have to wake me to ask. Other times it will be when they’ve just finished work. It’s just a late teenager/young adult thing. I don’t care.

And no it doesn’t work the other way round, I include them if I ever fancy a takeaway and they’re around. As I’m the parent. They are not parenting me.

That's a really good point. I do live in the countryside. It costs extra for delivery and we really don't order in food that often. It is more of a treat - maybe once every couple of months rather than annual though! I didn't think of that fact others are probably ordering takeaways multiple times a week and it's routine.

If they are ordering when everyone is in bed, I think that's very different. I don't think anyone would expect their kids to wake them up to ask! But if you're awake and downstairs and going to notice the food arriving.

It's really interesting that you say this: "And no it doesn’t work the other way round, I include them if I ever fancy a takeaway and they’re around. As I’m the parent. They are not parenting me."

I know you never stop being a parent, but at what age do you treat them like an adult and expect them to ask you or consider you. I would think early to mid twenties. I wouldn't expect them to pay at that age, since wages are pretty awful, but I'd expect them to include me if they're in my home and ordering food.

Or do you think it should it still be the same no matter how old they are? I can't imagine being in my 70s and having a 50-year-old kid who expects me to include them, but then they don't do the same.

Teenagers are very different and I'd still class them as children. But at 23, I think OPs DD is old enough to consider other people.