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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was DD rude

184 replies

Reino · 04/12/2025 19:57

DD is 23 and is briefly living at home between gap year and moving in with her boyfriend in January.
On Sunday DH and I had some guests over, they arrived at 11, left at about 8pm, didn’t have dinner but did have lunch (we ordered it in). DD knows the guests well, would class them as family friends.

DD and her boyfriend didn’t come down stairs until about 3 o’clock, then they sat with us all, drank some wine small talked etc, before going back up to her around about 5:30. At 7pm her boyfriend came back down to collect their food delivery from the door, they hadn’t checked with anyone if they wanted anything ordered.

YANBU - They were rude, they should have come down and said hi much earlier and had lunch with everyone, or they should have checked if anyone else wanted food ordered.
YABU - They didn’t do anything wrong, it wasn’t their guests, so not their job to accommodate them.

OP posts:
Lamentingalways · 04/12/2025 23:17

AnAlpacaForChristmasPleaseSanta · 04/12/2025 23:00

🙄🙄🙄.
Oh I am terribly sorry, I thought that was what this board was for.

Edited
Show quote history

Ok thanks again.

MissDoubleU · 04/12/2025 23:18

Reino · 04/12/2025 22:53

I said we’d been serving snacks all afternoon and evening?

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Well good, they are your guests. Surely as adults you can order food for yourself if you are wanting some. Why is it your DD’s responsibility to check on you and your guests? She saw you order plenty of food for yourselves, and with more to spare, in the late afternoon and also continue to eat snacks together. She herself had not eaten. She sorted herself without disturbing you. I can only assume she saw you and your guests were very well catered for!

If she had made herself a pot noodle or a sandwich or even made a meal with her boyfriend would you then also be asking why she wasn’t offering to cook for you and your guests too??

Just accept YABU and move on I think.

ThatNewMoose · 04/12/2025 23:18

They were not being rude in the slightest, if anything they stayed longer than necessary. It was your guests not theirs. They aren't your performing monkeys entertain your own guests

DaniO2 · 04/12/2025 23:20

CherrieTomaties · 04/12/2025 22:57

DH and I felt DD had been rude, we would generally expect our children to come and say hello to any guests soon after they arrive. Generally speaking irrespective of guests are present or not I believe the polite thing to do when ordering food is to check with anyone else home if they would like anything added.

Complete insanity.

Bet your daughter can’t wait to move back out. Poor lass.

OP, you're definitely right about this. Asking if anyone else wanted to add to their food order would have been the polite thing to do. It's understandable they may not have wanted to spend the whole time with you, but just popping down to say hello and checking before doing their own food order would have been nice. You sound like a really good mum. And I don't think your daughter probably meant to be rude. She just didn't think.

@CherrieTomaties Are you just saying this because your kids never bother to ask you if you want anything?

Bellie710 · 04/12/2025 23:23

Kids were great, from my experience with my kids over and under 18's, they will come down have some drinks/food chat for a while and do their own thing my friends love the slight interaction with my kids but I'm sure they also love the fact that they leave us to it, your kids played that well.

Tinytotdriver · 04/12/2025 23:24

cariadlet · 04/12/2025 21:35

With that update that they had been out the night before and were still asleep when your guests turned up 11, I take back my previous remark that ideally they would have popped down to say hello when the guests arrived.

I'd already said that I didn't think there was any need for your dd and her boyfriend to ask if anyone else wanted anything ordering for dinner but her explanation about why they didn't ask strengthens this. Her rationale of not wanting to encourage guests to stay longer than you had planned makes sense.

Team DD all the way here.

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Exactly this!

CypressGrove · 04/12/2025 23:25

Reino · 04/12/2025 21:28

DH and I felt DD had been rude, we would generally expect our children to come and say hello to any guests soon after they arrive. Generally speaking irrespective of guests are present or not I believe the polite thing to do when ordering food is to check with anyone else home if they would like anything added.

DD feels she wasn’t rude as they had been out the night before and didn’t wake up until 1, she said it then took them a further 2 hours to both get showered, get dressed and feel alive enough to come down and say hello. She claims she didn’t ask if we would like anything added to the order as she was unsure what our dinner plans were and didn’t want to offer ordering if we had planned for the guests to leave before dinner.

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She claims she didn’t ask if we would like anything added to the order as she was unsure what our dinner plans were and didn’t want to offer ordering if we had planned for the guests to leave before dinner.

This seems perfectly reasonable on your daughter's behalf. She doesn't sound rude at all. In fact she sounds quite thoughtful - and I hope you and your DH aren't giving her a hard time because she made a call that you don't agree with - nobody is perfect.

Goldenbear · 04/12/2025 23:27

Of you ordered food in at lunchtime, maybe your DD thought you didn't want another takeaway?

cariadlet · 04/12/2025 23:27

I think that if only family are at home and teenage or young adult dc are ordering food, then it's nice to let everyone know in case they want to order something too.

But if the parents have guests, then it's actually politer for the dc to get on with ordering for themselves rather than potentially interfering with whatever the parents are intending to do (ie whether they want the guests to leave before dinner or whether they have their own plans for feeding the guests).

HonestBrickQuoter · 04/12/2025 23:29

OP- you sound a bit weird.
Look- if it was "we have a proper lunch going with all the trimmings, please help pass the canapes around and make nice while I carve the roast and Dad sets the table" then of course everyone pitches in. But this was clearly not the case.
You have guests over but don't offer proper hospitality apart from "ordering lunch in"- what was it? Chinese food?
If people are just in for a takeaway then it isn't exactly "high maintenance family occasion" now is it?
Daughter pops down with boyfriend, makes nice chat, leaves- job done. You weren't going to feed your guests anyway for dinner. (Did you actually feed them properly?)

ilovesushi · 04/12/2025 23:29

Completely fine. They cracked on with their own day but spent some time being polite and social.

Pollqueen · 04/12/2025 23:29

AnAlpacaForChristmasPleaseSanta · 04/12/2025 23:00

🙄🙄🙄.
Oh I am terribly sorry, I thought that was what this board was for.

Edited
Show quote history

Oh no no no. Not unless your opinion concurs with the OP. Don't you know the rules? 😂

MissRaspberry · 04/12/2025 23:34

You had your guests your daughter had her own guest. She was polite enough to come downstairs and socialise despite her boyfriend being there to visit. She isn't obligated as an adult to entertain your visitors and certainly isn't obligated to feed them. If you and your guests wanted to eat then it's on you at your house to offer food/make dinner arrangements

AmberRose86 · 04/12/2025 23:36

Whatnowitsdday · 04/12/2025 20:17

I definitely think they were rude to order a delivery without asking if anyone else wanted anything.

Nah see I can’t bear this shite.

I used to work in a place where you couldn’t get up and get a glass of water without offering to get water for twenty surrounding people. That was the done thing. It was unbearable. I just want to get a glass of fucking water. I hate the excruciating faff of it. Just let me sort myself out and you sort yourself out.

McSpoot · 04/12/2025 23:41

Reino · 04/12/2025 22:53

I said we’d been serving snacks all afternoon and evening?

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Great, then you clearly didn’t need food your daughter ordered.

Bellie710 · 04/12/2025 23:43

Most people would be so happy that their children had this much interaction with their friends, leave the kids alone they played the game and had a lovely afternoon, it is not their responsibly to feed your guests I would never expect any of my kids or their friends to do this!

NoSoapJustUseShowerGel · 04/12/2025 23:43

If they’d made no effort at all that would be rude. But they sat and talked with your guests for over two hours!

The only thing you could potentially say was rude was ordering food without checking if anyone else wanted something but as you’d ordered in a meal already that day maybe they quite reasonably assumed you wouldn’t want another.

HonestBrickQuoter · 04/12/2025 23:46

This is going to get me KILLED but:
I'm from an Irish background, husband is non-UK background, and we're constantly chuckling about English "non-hospitality". In our cultures, we feed people to the point of ridiculousness (think Mrs Doyle "go on go on go on" or Indian moms forcing biryani on people). When we go to English people's houses THERE IS NEVER ENOUGH (or any) FOOD. And we're both normal weight people! English people just spend hours drinking and then everyone somehow falls out the door having had ten glasses of wine and a handful of Quavers. Or (even worse) the non-drinking households: you get 2 cups of tea and exactly two biscuits each, then have to make small talk for 4 hours!
In our house we actually feed people. When we invite people round for lunch we don't "order takeaway"- there's a full buffet on the table, replenished all day. We have kids going round with plates of snacks (not plastic bags of Quavers- mini-quiches/sausage rolls/sandwiches)- and that's JUST THE ROVING FOOD. There's always a groaning table with everything you could need plus a veggie option. There's always SO MUCH FOOD that anyone falling out of bed with a hangover at 1pm (fair play) would have more than enough to eat! Plus leftovers for 2 days afterwards for the whole family.
The fact that you had people in your house and didn't feed them properly (to the point where someone had to order Deliveroo because there was nothing to eat) says everything about what I've experienced with English "non-hospitality".
I get that it's cultural, but honestly, it comes across as "stingy".

AmberRose86 · 04/12/2025 23:48

HonestBrickQuoter · 04/12/2025 23:46

This is going to get me KILLED but:
I'm from an Irish background, husband is non-UK background, and we're constantly chuckling about English "non-hospitality". In our cultures, we feed people to the point of ridiculousness (think Mrs Doyle "go on go on go on" or Indian moms forcing biryani on people). When we go to English people's houses THERE IS NEVER ENOUGH (or any) FOOD. And we're both normal weight people! English people just spend hours drinking and then everyone somehow falls out the door having had ten glasses of wine and a handful of Quavers. Or (even worse) the non-drinking households: you get 2 cups of tea and exactly two biscuits each, then have to make small talk for 4 hours!
In our house we actually feed people. When we invite people round for lunch we don't "order takeaway"- there's a full buffet on the table, replenished all day. We have kids going round with plates of snacks (not plastic bags of Quavers- mini-quiches/sausage rolls/sandwiches)- and that's JUST THE ROVING FOOD. There's always a groaning table with everything you could need plus a veggie option. There's always SO MUCH FOOD that anyone falling out of bed with a hangover at 1pm (fair play) would have more than enough to eat! Plus leftovers for 2 days afterwards for the whole family.
The fact that you had people in your house and didn't feed them properly (to the point where someone had to order Deliveroo because there was nothing to eat) says everything about what I've experienced with English "non-hospitality".
I get that it's cultural, but honestly, it comes across as "stingy".

Edited

Omg I’m Scottish and I find this with English family. I thought it was just me being a fat pie.

NoSoapJustUseShowerGel · 04/12/2025 23:48

HonestBrickQuoter · 04/12/2025 23:46

This is going to get me KILLED but:
I'm from an Irish background, husband is non-UK background, and we're constantly chuckling about English "non-hospitality". In our cultures, we feed people to the point of ridiculousness (think Mrs Doyle "go on go on go on" or Indian moms forcing biryani on people). When we go to English people's houses THERE IS NEVER ENOUGH (or any) FOOD. And we're both normal weight people! English people just spend hours drinking and then everyone somehow falls out the door having had ten glasses of wine and a handful of Quavers. Or (even worse) the non-drinking households: you get 2 cups of tea and exactly two biscuits each, then have to make small talk for 4 hours!
In our house we actually feed people. When we invite people round for lunch we don't "order takeaway"- there's a full buffet on the table, replenished all day. We have kids going round with plates of snacks (not plastic bags of Quavers- mini-quiches/sausage rolls/sandwiches)- and that's JUST THE ROVING FOOD. There's always a groaning table with everything you could need plus a veggie option. There's always SO MUCH FOOD that anyone falling out of bed with a hangover at 1pm (fair play) would have more than enough to eat! Plus leftovers for 2 days afterwards for the whole family.
The fact that you had people in your house and didn't feed them properly (to the point where someone had to order Deliveroo because there was nothing to eat) says everything about what I've experienced with English "non-hospitality".
I get that it's cultural, but honestly, it comes across as "stingy".

Edited

A handful of quavers made me chuckle.

sprigatito · 04/12/2025 23:53

I wonder whether the real reason for your ire is that you were holding out to avoid providing dinner, and your daughter showed you up by ordering food at a normal mealtime.

5128gap · 04/12/2025 23:56

I'd be fine with that. They spent some time socialising with your guests and gave you some time alone with them. Perfect.

LighthouseLED · 05/12/2025 00:02

AmberRose86 · 04/12/2025 23:48

Omg I’m Scottish and I find this with English family. I thought it was just me being a fat pie.

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Which English people are you both socialising with? This is not something I recognise in my own family - if you came round there would probably be enough food to feed the 5,000 and we’d be pushing leftovers on you.

Outside9 · 05/12/2025 00:09

Depends on your culture really.

From my background it's kind of rude. But then in my culture it would be unusual for daughter to be in her bedroom all day with her boyfriend in my house.

Namechangerage · 05/12/2025 00:16

8pm and no dinner?! Guests were rude to stay that long unless you explicitly asked them, in which case it was really strange not to offer dinner.