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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was DD rude

184 replies

Reino · 04/12/2025 19:57

DD is 23 and is briefly living at home between gap year and moving in with her boyfriend in January.
On Sunday DH and I had some guests over, they arrived at 11, left at about 8pm, didn’t have dinner but did have lunch (we ordered it in). DD knows the guests well, would class them as family friends.

DD and her boyfriend didn’t come down stairs until about 3 o’clock, then they sat with us all, drank some wine small talked etc, before going back up to her around about 5:30. At 7pm her boyfriend came back down to collect their food delivery from the door, they hadn’t checked with anyone if they wanted anything ordered.

YANBU - They were rude, they should have come down and said hi much earlier and had lunch with everyone, or they should have checked if anyone else wanted food ordered.
YABU - They didn’t do anything wrong, it wasn’t their guests, so not their job to accommodate them.

OP posts:
cariadlet · 04/12/2025 21:25

I think that ideally, they would have popped down briefly to say hello soon after the guests arrived.

Other than than, I agree with the majority of posters - no problem that your dd and her boyfriend stayed in her room, keeping out of the way of you and your guests; 2 1/2 hours is a long time to socialise with your parents' friends so she did more than I'd expect there; no need for them to ask if anyone else wanted to order food for dinner, especially as that could have led to awkward conversations about who was paying.

I'm curious as to why you started this thread. Has anyone suggested that your dd was rude?

CalliopeFosterBeauchamp · 04/12/2025 21:27

You said you ordered lunch in. Did you offer any to your DD and her boyfriend?

Original poster
Reino · 04/12/2025 21:28

cariadlet · 04/12/2025 21:25

I think that ideally, they would have popped down briefly to say hello soon after the guests arrived.

Other than than, I agree with the majority of posters - no problem that your dd and her boyfriend stayed in her room, keeping out of the way of you and your guests; 2 1/2 hours is a long time to socialise with your parents' friends so she did more than I'd expect there; no need for them to ask if anyone else wanted to order food for dinner, especially as that could have led to awkward conversations about who was paying.

I'm curious as to why you started this thread. Has anyone suggested that your dd was rude?

DH and I felt DD had been rude, we would generally expect our children to come and say hello to any guests soon after they arrive. Generally speaking irrespective of guests are present or not I believe the polite thing to do when ordering food is to check with anyone else home if they would like anything added.

DD feels she wasn’t rude as they had been out the night before and didn’t wake up until 1, she said it then took them a further 2 hours to both get showered, get dressed and feel alive enough to come down and say hello. She claims she didn’t ask if we would like anything added to the order as she was unsure what our dinner plans were and didn’t want to offer ordering if we had planned for the guests to leave before dinner.

OP posts:
Original poster
Reino · 04/12/2025 21:29

CalliopeFosterBeauchamp · 04/12/2025 21:27

You said you ordered lunch in. Did you offer any to your DD and her boyfriend?

DH went up and knocked on her door, told them what we had ordered and asked if they wanted anything added, DD said no they were fine, but we did order enough for them to join us, which they decided not to do.

OP posts:
BeingATwatItsABingThing · 04/12/2025 21:30

Reino · 04/12/2025 21:28

DH and I felt DD had been rude, we would generally expect our children to come and say hello to any guests soon after they arrive. Generally speaking irrespective of guests are present or not I believe the polite thing to do when ordering food is to check with anyone else home if they would like anything added.

DD feels she wasn’t rude as they had been out the night before and didn’t wake up until 1, she said it then took them a further 2 hours to both get showered, get dressed and feel alive enough to come down and say hello. She claims she didn’t ask if we would like anything added to the order as she was unsure what our dinner plans were and didn’t want to offer ordering if we had planned for the guests to leave before dinner.

Show quote history

She’s not a child though. She’s an adult in her own home where you had guests. She did socialise for a long time when the time came.

Why have you posted as you clearly are not willing to change your stance on this?

ExperiencedContractor · 04/12/2025 21:32

DaisyChain505 · 04/12/2025 21:22

This sounds like a scene from the sound of music with the heavily trained Von Trapp kids.

The guests were invited by and there to see the OP and her husband.

Why should their daughter rush downstairs the second she hears the door to greet said guests? OP has already said they’re practically family meaning the daughter has spent plenty of time with them and there’s no need for formal performances.

Show quote history

Don’t be obtuse. Of course no one needed formal performances. But these were family friends that the daughter knows well. It’s just basic good manners to greet them when they arrive at the house and not hide upstairs until hours later.

BauhausOfEliott · 04/12/2025 21:33

Reino · 04/12/2025 21:28

DH and I felt DD had been rude, we would generally expect our children to come and say hello to any guests soon after they arrive. Generally speaking irrespective of guests are present or not I believe the polite thing to do when ordering food is to check with anyone else home if they would like anything added.

DD feels she wasn’t rude as they had been out the night before and didn’t wake up until 1, she said it then took them a further 2 hours to both get showered, get dressed and feel alive enough to come down and say hello. She claims she didn’t ask if we would like anything added to the order as she was unsure what our dinner plans were and didn’t want to offer ordering if we had planned for the guests to leave before dinner.

Show quote history

She’s 23, not 12.

’Expecting our children to come and say hello’ upon the arrival of guests is absurd when your ‘children’ are adults in their 20s with their own independent social lives who weren’t eating with you.

They popped down for a midway through the visit, which was polite and nice of them. And of course they don’t have to offer you and your guests a bloody takeaway! She had a good and valid reason for not doing so. You’re being really weird.

GravyBoatWars · 04/12/2025 21:33

This has all the hallmarks of you looking for something to pick at, especially if you didn't ask ahead of time for your DD & bf to join you and the guests for lunch. And expecting them to offer to order food for you and your guests (whom you had no intent of offering dinner to yourself) is honestly fairly bizarre.

So what is it you actually need to vent about? The boyfriend being there too much? DD not working/sleeping in all day/treating your house as a free AirBNB when you expected her to want to spend time with you?

cariadlet · 04/12/2025 21:35

Reino · 04/12/2025 21:28

DH and I felt DD had been rude, we would generally expect our children to come and say hello to any guests soon after they arrive. Generally speaking irrespective of guests are present or not I believe the polite thing to do when ordering food is to check with anyone else home if they would like anything added.

DD feels she wasn’t rude as they had been out the night before and didn’t wake up until 1, she said it then took them a further 2 hours to both get showered, get dressed and feel alive enough to come down and say hello. She claims she didn’t ask if we would like anything added to the order as she was unsure what our dinner plans were and didn’t want to offer ordering if we had planned for the guests to leave before dinner.

Show quote history

With that update that they had been out the night before and were still asleep when your guests turned up 11, I take back my previous remark that ideally they would have popped down to say hello when the guests arrived.

I'd already said that I didn't think there was any need for your dd and her boyfriend to ask if anyone else wanted anything ordering for dinner but her explanation about why they didn't ask strengthens this. Her rationale of not wanting to encourage guests to stay longer than you had planned makes sense.

Team DD all the way here.

DaisyChain505 · 04/12/2025 21:36

ExperiencedContractor · 04/12/2025 21:32

Don’t be obtuse. Of course no one needed formal performances. But these were family friends that the daughter knows well. It’s just basic good manners to greet them when they arrive at the house and not hide upstairs until hours later.

Show quote history

She is an adult in her own home. She doesn’t need to jump every time the doorbell goes and worry about greeting whoever her parents have invited round.

The OP was the one entertaining guests not her daughter it is completely reasonable for her daughter to pop her head in and say hello whenever she came down for a drink etc and not have to do it right away.

OldBeyondMyYears · 04/12/2025 21:44

You are being really weird about this OP!! Why on earth would your DD want to sit with you and your mates?? Jesus!

MCF86 · 04/12/2025 21:50

onetrickrockingpony · 04/12/2025 20:01

I actually think they were very considerate in keeping out of your way whilst you had guests over, sorting out their own food so as not to interfere, and politely joining you all for some of the time. They were your guests, not theirs.

This, I think they did exactly the right thing!
Gave you time with your guests to enjoy lunch, appeared to say hello and chat for a while and then kept themselves to themselves. Nothing to question in my opinion.

Franklyannoyed · 04/12/2025 21:54

Reino · 04/12/2025 21:28

DH and I felt DD had been rude, we would generally expect our children to come and say hello to any guests soon after they arrive. Generally speaking irrespective of guests are present or not I believe the polite thing to do when ordering food is to check with anyone else home if they would like anything added.

DD feels she wasn’t rude as they had been out the night before and didn’t wake up until 1, she said it then took them a further 2 hours to both get showered, get dressed and feel alive enough to come down and say hello. She claims she didn’t ask if we would like anything added to the order as she was unsure what our dinner plans were and didn’t want to offer ordering if we had planned for the guests to leave before dinner.

Show quote history

Yeah you’re being proper weird about this, and I’m thinking it’s really you who has the issue not your husband. Your daughter behaved impeccably, she is not a child and of course they didn’t offer to buy you all food.

this is one of those.

op. Am I being unreasonable
mumsnet, yes
op no I’m not and my husband agrees with me,

why ask😂

SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice · 04/12/2025 21:59

Yabu
She wasn’t rude. She was giving you space to entertain your guests. They came down for a couple of hours and that is more than enough. Them ordering in was very nice of them- they sorted their own food out so you could focus on yourselves and your guests.

SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice · 04/12/2025 22:02

ExperiencedContractor · 04/12/2025 21:32

Don’t be obtuse. Of course no one needed formal performances. But these were family friends that the daughter knows well. It’s just basic good manners to greet them when they arrive at the house and not hide upstairs until hours later.

Show quote history

Disagree that it’s good manners.

jajajajajaja · 04/12/2025 22:03

She’s an adult. You can’t really tell her how to behave; she’s not a child any more.

In her shoes, I would have personally gone downstairs and said hi earlier on, but I don’t think it’s a huge deal – not worth stewing over. I don’t think it was rude of her not to ask if other people wanted a takeaway. She can’t even order some food without your permission?

swingingbytheseat · 04/12/2025 22:03

I think this does have a bit of entitlement about it, yes. Ideally they should have come and said helllo in the first instance, communicated about what they were or weren’t doing and then that no longer makes it weird.

AnAlpacaForChristmasPleaseSanta · 04/12/2025 22:07

Franklyannoyed · 04/12/2025 21:54

Yeah you’re being proper weird about this, and I’m thinking it’s really you who has the issue not your husband. Your daughter behaved impeccably, she is not a child and of course they didn’t offer to buy you all food.

this is one of those.

op. Am I being unreasonable
mumsnet, yes
op no I’m not and my husband agrees with me,

why ask😂

Show quote history

I was going to say exactly this.

I suspect posters like the OP are so entrenched in their belief that they are right that they post expecting an echo chamber of YANBU's to flood their way.

It always amused me when people add their husbands view. Because if a man says so then it must be correct.

Whatnowitsdday · 04/12/2025 22:11

I agree with you and your DH OP.
It’s sad that the majority seem to have very low expectations about manners.

Mandarinaduck · 04/12/2025 22:11

I also think she should have come down and greeted them when they arrived. She may be an adult but she is clearly part of the household.

Also, if they were ordering food they should have said so. I also find it 'off' that a meal arrives like that somewhere in the house without anything being said or offered or just explained.

moneyadviceplease · 04/12/2025 22:17

Mandarinaduck · 04/12/2025 22:11

I also think she should have come down and greeted them when they arrived. She may be an adult but she is clearly part of the household.

Also, if they were ordering food they should have said so. I also find it 'off' that a meal arrives like that somewhere in the house without anything being said or offered or just explained.

I find it weirder for adult guests to buy their own Deliveroo / uber eats to someone else’s house

Mistyglade · 04/12/2025 22:18

Not rude at all!

AnAlpacaForChristmasPleaseSanta · 04/12/2025 22:19

Also, if they were ordering food they should have said so. I also find it 'off' that a meal arrives like that somewhere in the house without anything being said or offered or just explained.

If the friends were visiting the DD then I'd agree but at her age it's basically two sets of adults sharing a house and one set of adults choosing to order themselves a meal is no business of the other set or their friends.

Ketzele · 04/12/2025 22:22

I think you and your dd should have discussed expectations in advance. As should you and your guests, probably.

Pollqueen · 04/12/2025 22:25

BauhausOfEliott · 04/12/2025 21:33

She’s 23, not 12.

’Expecting our children to come and say hello’ upon the arrival of guests is absurd when your ‘children’ are adults in their 20s with their own independent social lives who weren’t eating with you.

They popped down for a midway through the visit, which was polite and nice of them. And of course they don’t have to offer you and your guests a bloody takeaway! She had a good and valid reason for not doing so. You’re being really weird.

Edited
Show quote history

On top of what I posted above, this