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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Complicated situation but he slept with an 18 year old

250 replies

Crinklecutnot · 04/12/2025 18:16

My husband and I have been married for 6 years, he is 33, we have 2 DC who are 4 and 2. Since September we have been “split” but still living together, we decided for various reasons to wait until after Christmas, mainly as we both needed time to sort our next plan out and we didn’t want to interrupt our children when DS had just started school, most of the family aren’t aware but our parents are. We sleep in different rooms but have been otherwise functioning as normal for the children.
Last week he was away for work, Wednesday to Friday. Last night he told me that on the Thursday night everyone went out to a bar and he ended up taking a girl back to his hotel took, he said he was incredibly drunk and only found out after that she was 18. I asked why he didn’t ask her age earlier and he told me it just didn’t occur to him, he was drunk, she looked about 22-23. He claims he only found out her age when he asked for her instagram in the morning.
He says he told me as while we are split we did both agree we wouldn’t be seeing anyone new until we had moved into our own places in the new year.

I wouldn’t say I’m hurt exactly but I’m definitely feeling like I’ve lost all respect for him, I can’t imagine sleeping with someone who is 25 let alone 18!

I’ve suggested he goes and stays with his parents until Christmas is over as I don’t really want to look at him. He claims that’s unfair as we are split so it’s not cheating.

AIBU to think this was a disgusting and disrespectful decision on his part and to suggest he leaves earlier than planned?

OP posts:
theriseandfallofFranklinSaint · 05/12/2025 08:25

Llamallamafruitpyjama · 05/12/2025 00:44

Yuck!! Good riddance to him OP! 18yr olds look like babies to sane adults. BS he didn’t know she was very young.

And some 18 year olds look 25.

Either way, she's over the age of consent and probably had a good night - I know I did when I was 18 and going out!

Avantiagain · 05/12/2025 08:37

You have split and he didn't bring anyone back to the house. Continue as planned knowing that the decision to split was the right one.

blythet · 05/12/2025 08:38

I don’t think he’s done anything wrong in terms of cheating or breaking any agreement and I think you throwing him out because of it is a bit OTT.

however I do think a 33 year old adult with DC sleeping with an 18 year old girl is a bit creepy. I think him then rubbing it in your face under the guise of being honest is a bit twisted too

Avantiagain · 05/12/2025 08:44

"I think him then rubbing it in your face under the guise of being honest is a bit twisted too."

Yes he should have kept it to himself.

Wellstonethecrows · 05/12/2025 08:46

theriseandfallofFranklinSaint · 05/12/2025 08:25

And some 18 year olds look 25.

Either way, she's over the age of consent and probably had a good night - I know I did when I was 18 and going out!

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Yes 18 is over the age of consent.

But you have absolutely no idea whether she had a good night or not. And assuming someone is having a good time just because you would in that situation is not a safe stance to take.

I think that if OP's H's story is to be believed then, apart from the question of why he actually told her, the most worrying thing is him getting so drunk he has indiscriminate sex with strangers. And doesn't really care about who the woman is, what age she is or how vulnerable she might be if she is drunk.herself.

If his actions are to be believed what it says about this man, with two small children, who is supposed to be acting in a responsible way for the good of his children, is very telling. His agreement with OP to help protect his children from hurt meant absolutely zero to him.

BeNoisyFish · 05/12/2025 08:47

Well, is she even 18 or younger?? 22 is as bad as 18 so I'm wondering if she's actually 16 and these men know they are young, they just don't care enough to verify.

Franklyannoyed · 05/12/2025 08:48

BeNoisyFish · 05/12/2025 08:47

Well, is she even 18 or younger?? 22 is as bad as 18 so I'm wondering if she's actually 16 and these men know they are young, they just don't care enough to verify.

Cmon now.

MoFadaCromulent · 05/12/2025 08:49

BeNoisyFish · 05/12/2025 08:47

Well, is she even 18 or younger?? 22 is as bad as 18 so I'm wondering if she's actually 16 and these men know they are young, they just don't care enough to verify.

Deffo

And if she could have been 16 maybe she was 12

BeNoisyFish · 05/12/2025 08:49

theriseandfallofFranklinSaint · 05/12/2025 08:25

And some 18 year olds look 25.

Either way, she's over the age of consent and probably had a good night - I know I did when I was 18 and going out!

Show quote history

Older drunk married men are not a good night 😂😂 it's the stuff horror films are made of 😂😂

tralallala · 05/12/2025 08:50

I voted YABU because you’re not together.

You had a mutual agreement, but how many Men would turn down an offer on a plate? Unfortunately Men are naturally driven this way.

BeNoisyFish · 05/12/2025 08:51

Franklyannoyed · 05/12/2025 08:48

Cmon now.

Show quote history

Come on you. Are you genuinely believing his guilt that she is 18 and not 22? Like that matters so much? It must be a worse age gap maybe even illegal and he is just assuaging his guilt by giving her a nugget of the truth for some sympathy or in preparation for potential consequences.

notallwhowanderare · 05/12/2025 09:01

He's just a creepy bastard. It's simple. Kick him out and never speak to him again. Problem completely solved.

FlyingApple · 05/12/2025 09:12

Just see this as another good reason that it's over.

Franklyannoyed · 05/12/2025 09:19

BeNoisyFish · 05/12/2025 08:51

Come on you. Are you genuinely believing his guilt that she is 18 and not 22? Like that matters so much? It must be a worse age gap maybe even illegal and he is just assuaging his guilt by giving her a nugget of the truth for some sympathy or in preparation for potential consequences.

Edited
Show quote history

As he doesn’t appear to want to see her again as she’s 18, yes, I’d hazard a guess, he’s not chasing 16 year olds.

there is always someone who wants to make it worse. The op has given no indication he goes after young girls. And right now as presented this is a 33 year old man who on a drunk night out shagged a woman he thought was in her early to mid twenties, and when he found out she was 18 doesn’t wish to see her again. This does not indicate she’s 16, he’s into young girls and has a habit of this.

Sartre · 05/12/2025 09:30

Having sex with someone who is barely an adult when you’re in your 30s is disgusting.
I’m a similar age and teach young adults this age, they are not even remotely attractive to me and I’d be worried about myself if they were. I get that he was wasted and thought she was a bit older but it’s still really gross, maybe he should have actually asked her age before bedding her…

Anyway just be grateful the marriage is over, he’s grim.

TheIceBear · 05/12/2025 13:46

MowingMachine · 04/12/2025 20:17

Seriously? You can't think of any reason?

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No I can’t think of any good reason for it.

SorcererGaheris · 05/12/2025 14:09

TippityTappity2 · 05/12/2025 00:10

Legally (as long as the person was consenting and of age) he hasn’t done anything wrong. Morally? He’s all the shades of shit in my opinion. He was apparently too drunk to make a sound decision which potentially means that the other party was drunk also! A 30 plus year old man having sex with a teenager is vile. Even more so when there’s alcohol involved. He’s lived twice the life she has. Clearly doesn’t have twice the sense though.

Show quote history

@TippityTappity2

That's the crux of it, though, whether he's thought to have done anything wrong depends on the moral perspective of the individual.

I don't think it's innately immoral for someone to have consensual sex with a partner who has reached the age of consent. I do think it's unwise and rather irresponsible for a much older person to have consensual sex with someone they know to be 16 or 17, but I wouldn't call it innately immoral in every circumstance.

Calliekins · 05/12/2025 18:02

Appreciate you confirmed you were "split" but you say that the agreement was "whilst still living together neither would see anyone else". So for me I think you have every right to feel the way you do. He is still living in the same house just because he was away with work and at a hotel doesn't make it ok. He must have had some guilt for telling you!

Cetim · 05/12/2025 18:04

I can see why you have lost respect for him completely. Tbh i dont know why he even told you her age. He couldve just said "sorry i slept with someone else and broke our agreement" and is it even releveant if she is 18 surely he is not planning to start seeing her? I wonder if he mentioned her age to get you in your feelings. Dont rise to it. Try to just carry on as normal if you can and starr formal proceedings january 2nd!

Cariad10 · 05/12/2025 18:08

Laura95167 · 04/12/2025 19:02

God dare I ask... definitely 18?

As long as she was over 16 he it was legal, both consenting adults.

sunnyandrainy · 05/12/2025 18:17

I don’t see it as a big deal. You are split up. He slept with someone else. Not sure why it’s disgusting or a big issue. Why should he move out… seems a totally over the top reaction when you’ve split up.

LoveLifeBeHappy · 05/12/2025 18:32

Crinklecutnot · 04/12/2025 18:16

My husband and I have been married for 6 years, he is 33, we have 2 DC who are 4 and 2. Since September we have been “split” but still living together, we decided for various reasons to wait until after Christmas, mainly as we both needed time to sort our next plan out and we didn’t want to interrupt our children when DS had just started school, most of the family aren’t aware but our parents are. We sleep in different rooms but have been otherwise functioning as normal for the children.
Last week he was away for work, Wednesday to Friday. Last night he told me that on the Thursday night everyone went out to a bar and he ended up taking a girl back to his hotel took, he said he was incredibly drunk and only found out after that she was 18. I asked why he didn’t ask her age earlier and he told me it just didn’t occur to him, he was drunk, she looked about 22-23. He claims he only found out her age when he asked for her instagram in the morning.
He says he told me as while we are split we did both agree we wouldn’t be seeing anyone new until we had moved into our own places in the new year.

I wouldn’t say I’m hurt exactly but I’m definitely feeling like I’ve lost all respect for him, I can’t imagine sleeping with someone who is 25 let alone 18!

I’ve suggested he goes and stays with his parents until Christmas is over as I don’t really want to look at him. He claims that’s unfair as we are split so it’s not cheating.

AIBU to think this was a disgusting and disrespectful decision on his part and to suggest he leaves earlier than planned?

"...to suggest he leaves earlier than planned"

No, it needs to be a joint agreement and in the interest of the children. What he does in his personal time literally has nothing to do with you. It's none of your business.

SemiRetiredLoveGoddeess · 05/12/2025 18:36

If he was that drunk. I would have had thought he had difficulty even performing the deed?

Honestly, think he did it try and hurt you more and teach you a lesson.
He sounds like a real piece of scum bag trash.

Get rid asap and move on
🫰.😻

GOOD LUCK
X

oldmoaner · 05/12/2025 18:39

As your not sleeping together I think it's irrelevant. My ex was still living in my house but separate rooms, he used to stay at his new girlfriend's 16 years younger than him. Up to him, I didn't class myself as in a relationship with him so couldn't care less what he did. If it's over between you it's over. If you feel jealous your only going to get hurt. Get Christmas cover with your DC then he moves out, end of.

hoxtonbabe · 05/12/2025 18:41

sunnyandrainy · 05/12/2025 18:17

I don’t see it as a big deal. You are split up. He slept with someone else. Not sure why it’s disgusting or a big issue. Why should he move out… seems a totally over the top reaction when you’ve split up.

Agreed. Kicking him out is ridiculous and if I was his mother that she tried to palm him off on, I’d be making it clear that he needs to go back to the house he jointly owns ( assuming they both own it) and she has no right to kick him out and inconvenience me/the household over this.

I’m also not sure why it’s just the husband being called disgusting. When I was 18 I wouldn’t touch an 18 year old with a barge pole and preferred older, so she may have seen he looked older and wanted exactly someone like that.

My only issue with all this is why did he tell her, he could have just plodded on and op be none the wiser, this part I feel was unnecessary and mean.